I'm Increasingly Realizing I Might Be Gay, But My Mom Is Turning Into More And More Of An Irrational Religious Hermit Who Thinks The World Is Evil.

[Lyra]

I'm not sure how to explain all this in a linear way, but I have a lot of feelings of guilt and pressure on an emotional level with my mother, and have no idea how to have perspective. 

Some background about me. I am 24, have a successful professional life, a bachelor's degree, and I support myself 100%. I'm not on path to being the richest person in the world or anything, but I have a very stable office job that's great for my age, and had a very respectable business sales position at my last job before it. I completed my bachelor's degree earlier than most with good grades, I have a retirement account for the future that I contribute to with each paycheck, etc. I also keep myself fit, have close friends who are good people, a great social life, I volunteer for an organization where I directly help impact people's lives, etc. I also live on my own and am not dependent on my parents in any type of way, nor have I been during my adulthood. All in all, I am a very successful daughter, and I think most parents of adult kids would be grateful having a kid where I am today. 


Recently, over the past few months, I've been beginning to put pieces together and make the conclusion that I might in fact be gay. I'm still figuring this out for myself, and it's a process, but I've always had an aversion to the whole boyfriend/husband/kids thing and I've always had very deep feelings for  some of my female friends, and there are some other reasons related to physical attraction and lots of other things that I've been putting together. I've discussed the subject in much more depth on lgbt forums, but it's not something I'll go into a spiel about here.

I recently mentioned/hinted  that I was considering this, and their reactions were the opposite of what I would have expected. My dad has always had a bit of a temper (not in a violent way, but like, reacting with sudden alarm/anger to stuff), but he has cooled down over the years, and has always had a very anti-gay prejudice. So when I tested the waters with him, I was expecting him to blow a lid, but his response was shockingly very nice and calm. Along the jist of "You know I'm not thrilled about the subject of gayness, but you're still always my #1 no matter what, and you'll find your person and figure it out."  Like I'm sure he would rather me be straight, but he didn't freak out or anything...he was calm, no freakout, said he'd never have it change my relationship with him, that he'd always be there if I wanted to talk, etc. Honestly, due to my dad's temper and homophobia, I'm SHOCKED by how cool he was.

My mom was the one I'm more upset by. When I was growing up, my dad was more focused on his work and also had a tendency to be the one who was stricter and had more of a temper, while my mom was always the "cool parent." She pretty much let me stay out as late as I wanted, was never a control freak about what I did, never judged my friends, etc. She was responsible, and I'm sure her laxness comes from the fact that I was such a responsible and good kid, but she was always very chill. For example, when I was a teen she took me to get birth control so I'd be empowered for the future, and she taught me a strong sense of personal empowerment. Basically, when I was growing up, I got the sense that she'd accept me for whoever I turned out to be, barring any issues like drug abuse or becoming homeless or being on Jerry Springer or something. Basically I never thought it would be an issue for her if I ended up not being straight.

But because of how my mom has been very sheltered, she has some extreme tendencies that I've never really seen her fully develop until more recently. For clarify, she is NOT old - only late 40s. She's been getting more and more religious, in an extreme and literalist type of way. When I was growing up she believed in God but wasn't controlling over it, but now, she believes that the world is a scary and screwed up place and Jesus is the only hope and etc.  To clarify, I am not bashing Christianity in any way, and I have nothing against a person having religious beliefs. But for her, it's like she's becoming more and more of a fearful hermit who thinks the world is a bad place, but she doesn't even get out much so she has no idea, and she uses religion to cope. She thinks that CNN and ABC News are the "Liberal Media" and that all shows/movies/books with gay people or liberal themes are an "agenda." (She never said stuff like this and was never controlling about what I read/watched as a kid). She thinks that anyone liberal or moderate, like anyone who likes Obama, is a "libtard." Again, I don't have any type of bias against conservatives or people who disagree on politics, but for her it goes more than just differing opinions  - it's like she thinks that librals are part of this agenda with the devil or something equally irrational. She told me all about how she know *ONE* gay person in her life, and he did drugs, so now she thinks that all gay people are screwed up and/or use drugs. She's also paranoid that I use drugs. I do not. I drink socially when I go out, but have 2-3 drinks and am not an alcoholic. Aside from smoking some *very* occasional weed, like maybe a few times a year if someone hands me a joint at a beach party, I've never been a drug abuser either. Her paranoia comes from the fact that when I get overemotional (because of how stressed I sometimes feel about all this), or when I seem "liberal" or something, she gets very disturbed by it. In actuality, I am a moderate-liberal (left leaning libertarian) who is an Agnostic and possibly a lesbian, but I cannot tell her this because she will think it's the most horrifying news on the planet.

Basically it's hard. When I was growing up, my dad was the one who I sometimes felt like I had to walk around eggshells around, so I've always been a little bit more emotionally distant with him. But, in light of recent stuff, I think he and I will be getting closer.But my mom was never a nutjob as a kid, and always seemed very open and laid back. In retrospect, she probably emotionally parentified me a bit, with the whole "you're my best friend" kind of stuff, but she was not a crazy nutjob. But now, it's like she's turning into this person who I don't know if I will ever be able to relate to in a way that doesn't make me feel stressed out and guilty.

In summary: I am professionally successful, independent, live on my own, have great friends, keep my health in top prime, volunteer, have meaningful hobbies and future goals,  save for retirement at 24, and am a daughter that a lot of parents would be envious of. But because I'm possibly a lesbian, my mom is "deeply disturbed," would be horrified and disappointed in me if she found out I didn't share her beliefs, and thinks I am doing drugs and that there is cause to be "concerned."

Seriously, I just got off the phone with her and I feel like pulling my hair out.

[Daffodil]

There's nothing you can do about other people's beliefs, and you're not responsible for anyone else's feelings. Kudos to you for being such a responsible put-together young woman! You're very brave to tell your dad how you feel and I'm glad he responded so well. I don't believe any of us stop "developing", no matter how old we get. Your mom is developing in a way that concerns you, but ultimately, though you love your parents, you have your own life to live. Don't let what's happening in their lives affect yours too much. They did their job (apparently very well seeing how you turned out!) and now you have to live who and what you are.

[Lyra]

Thank you very much, I'm very happy too that my dad was as calm and kind as he was. And I realized in my original post that it might have come across that I was bragging, or seeking compliments, but that's not the case at all. The reason why I stressed my success so much, is because there's really no normal reason for my mom to be "concerned" about me. Normally, when people are deeply concerned about an adult child, there's some kind of issue like drug abuse or refusing to move out or having kids they can't support or financially draining the parents. I do none of those things. Most parents, if their kid ended up being gay/agnostic/moderate-liberal or otherwise different with some beliefs, the parents wouldn't be that bothered as long as the kid had a healthy and productive life. It seems like, for most people, when a parent is a religious/conservative and the kid is liberal, it's treated as more of a lighthearted thing, kind of like rooting for different sports teams. Something where maybe they tease each other about it and joke around about their differences or have some light debates for fun but in the long run, no one cares. But it bothers me that my mom takes it so, so personally how I am, when there's nothing even wrong with me. It makes me feel so stressed out.

[Margee]

Welcome Lyra to Ex-c. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so glad you are here with us! Share all your worries and concerns and someone is always here to help you.

 

Hon, you are a big girl now and you have to be who you are.  You cannot change the way she feels and believes but what you can do is love her and show her that you are still a kind-hearted person. These family problems happen all the time and they are not easy. But you must stay true to yourself. Give her time to slowly absorb what you are trying to tell her. And please keep us posted on how it's going. Best of everything to you my dear. I have a gay son who I love to the moon and back. Mothers, as difficult as we can be, still want our kids to be happy. I got my fingers crossed for you honey!

 

(Hug)

[Lyra]

Thank you so much Margee. I really appreciate your kind, warm and maternal response. Yes, you're right that ultimately it's my own life to live and that I'm not responsible for holding up to anyone else's beliefs or ideals. In fact, when I was growing up, my mom taught me those messages very strongly - she was all about individual freedom and letting people be who they are (as long as their actions aren't harming or draining anyone else of course). 

 

That's why this is all so jarring and painful for me. It seems like with most people, if a parent is irrational or negative or deeply fundamentalist, the parent was that way during the kid's childhood, and the kid was the one who developed different beliefs and drifted apart. In other words, having a "crazy" parent was typically always their norm, so the kid was able to more easily be detached from the whole thing. But in my case, my mom always seemed very modern and supportive (i.e. taking me to get birth control as a teen, taking me to see Harry Potter as a child, encouraging me to be rational, etc). One time when I was in college she even told me that if I turned out to be gay she'd knit a rainbow scarf for me (she knits a lot as a hobby). Even though that topic wasn't something I'd considered yet, I still appreciated the message that she would always support me. But that's SO different than who she's been increasingly turning into. Her own parents weren't even religious, and in fact were atheists who disliked religion, and my grandparents were progressive in a lot of ways -- grandma worked, the whole non-religion thing, grandpa likes Carl Sagan and grandma likes Harry Potter, etc. She just has becoming more and more of a hermit on her own, and is increasingly negative about the world and fearful of everything and, in a sense, fragile. Like Lysa Tully from Game of Thrones, in some ways, but without the creepy sexual stuff. I just feel like I'm losing her - like, when I was a kid and teen I thought she'd always be accepting of who I was, and now I realize she isn't. She also guilt tripped me about the fact that I've never wanted kids, and went on about how she wanted grandbabies but it was "my own darn fault for putting all my eggs in one basket" (her words), like she thinks I'm some kind of defective failure or something.

 

Seriously, when an adult child is above-average successful and independent and volunteers and has a retirement savings account, how does "I've been thinking I might be gay" translate to "serious red flags of drug abuse"??

 

I've honestly been in such a funk over this. I talked to my mom yesterday (Sat) afternoon around 2:00, and I ended up doing nothing productive that day and falling asleep at 7 pm and sleeping til noon. I'm going to get ready to work on some work and creative projects at the bookstore, and I'll do a volunteer shift later, and call my dad before I get started with everything. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

[Daffodil]

Are you an only child by any chance? The way you describe the situation makes me wonder if she's going through a midlife crisis of sorts because her only baby is gone and doesn't need her anymore. She's been set adrift and doesn't know what her role in life is, anymore. Isolation is never a good thing and can definitley mess with your mind. Add that to an existential crisis and you've got a mess on your hands. Does she have any friends? Can you take her out and help her to see more of the world? Can you suggest your father do that? This is a lot to put on you, but it sounds like you really love her and want to help. Maybe have a sit-down with her where you remind her of all the progressive things she did and taught you, extolling the great things she did as your mother. Point out to her that she seems to have changed her tune and it concerns you. She may not realize how she's coming off. Of course, you may get nowhere with her, depending on how open she is to you, but it's worth a shot.

 

Ultimately though, you are an adult now and she has no real power over you. It's painful but you have to cut ties that are unhealthy for you. We can't all be best buds with our parents, and I would even suggest that very few of us are that lucky. Continue to have a healthy, happy life and show her that you are doing fine.

[Lyra]

Thank you. Yes, I am an only child and that's why it's as stressful as it is. Like I said, she told me that I'm her "best friend" and then recently guilt-tripped me for not wanting kids, by saying "It was my own fault for putting all my eggs in one basket." Essentially implying  that she thinks I'm a failure/disappointment despite all the evidence to the otherwise.

 

I talked with my dad for a couple hours and feel way better. We actually talked about books for 90% of the conversation, I told him a bit about my volunteer work, etc. Regarding the gay  thing, he said he doesn't agree with it but would also never cut me off or act negative toward me if I ended up being that way - it's my life to figure out on my own etc. 

 

It's like the roles have flip-flopped. My dad, despite his issues when I was younger, is now very much the stable and cool parent. My mom, once rational, has turned into a nutjob.

 

After the way she made me feel yesterday, I am seriously thinking about creating much more distance and less contact. Not forever, and not in a drastic or dramatic way, but I will definitely be calling her much less and calling my dad much more.

[miamia]

Welome!

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hi Lyra, welcome from me, too. I'm gay, married to another man, but I'm 63, and my parents are no longer alive. I pretty much went my own way as soon as I was financially independent, and I stayed on good relations with them but wasn't as close as it sounds that you are.

 

Being of a different generation, and being male, I may not have much useful "advice." But I'm glad you come to this site. There are a lot of people on here with very good insights from their experience of the world.

 

A former colleague of mine never felt that dating men was working for her, and she was pretty confused and feeling down. Eventually, partly after conversations with a third colleague (who is gay), she concluded that she is lesbian. She's now married, and she and her wife have a little girl AND attend an affirming Presbyterian church (!). She just published a children's book and is in a good place in life.

 

It sounds to me as though you feel a lot of responsibility toward your mother. I don't think it will work if the "best friend" thing gets in the way of the basic mother-daughter relationship. You have to individuate from your parents, esp. your mother, and you are not the one responsible for helping her to understand that. My take, from what I've seen, is that loving but firm boundaries are necessary.

 

Have you good friends in whom you can confide these things?

 

Big hugs, f

[Lyra]

Thank  you. Yes, I do have friends - they are extremely close to me, one of them lives next door, they've been there to help me in a family-like way and I definitely have their support.

 

My dad is five hundred times cooler about this than I ever expected him to be, so one positive of all this is that my honesty has improved my relationship with him.

 

Did I mention that, when my mom found out I was questioning my sexuality, she flipped out and accused me of being on drugs? Exact quote: "Are you on drugs? What's wrong with you?" We had more of an argument, she guilt-tripped me and I've concluded that our relationship has taken a toxic turn due to her extremism and that I need a break from her. She actually told me that she thinks all gay people abuse drugs, because she only knew ONE gay guy in her life and he happened to have a substance abuse problem. She also is in deep, deep rightwing political waters, think on the same level of Ann Coulter. She calls moderates "libtards." What a nut! The whole thing is honestly just killing me. She didn't use to be like this at all.

 

I learned a while ago that I can't talk to her about problems, bad moods, or anything else because then she'll go into a rabid lecture about how the only way to fill any void is Jesus, then she will hound me about if I go to church and whether I'm reading the "word of God" (she thinks the Bible is the literal word of God, not something written by men) and believing it literally enough.

 

 

GRRR.

[sdelsolray]

Your mother sounds like a nutter.  Best to limit the scope of discussions with her to mundane things (i.e., no religion, politics or sexuality).  If she tries to bait you with any of those topics, you might consider saying something like, "I will not discuss that topic with you."

 

Your father sound pretty cool.

[quinntar]

I'm not sure how to explain all this in a linear way, but I have a lot of feelings of guilt and pressure on an emotional level with my mother, and have no idea how to have perspective.

 

Some background about me. I am 24, have a successful professional life, a bachelor's degree, and I support myself 100%. I'm not on path to being the richest person in the world or anything, but I have a very stable office job that's great for my age, and had a very respectable business sales position at my last job before it. I completed my bachelor's degree earlier than most with good grades, I have a retirement account for the future that I contribute to with each paycheck, etc. I also keep myself fit, have close friends who are good people, a great social life, I volunteer for an organization where I directly help impact people's lives, etc. I also live on my own and am not dependent on my parents in any type of way, nor have I been during my adulthood. All in all, I am a very successful daughter, and I think most parents of adult kids would be grateful having a kid where I am today.

 

 

Recently, over the past few months, I've been beginning to put pieces together and make the conclusion that I might in fact be gay. I'm still figuring this out for myself, and it's a process, but I've always had an aversion to the whole boyfriend/husband/kids thing and I've always had very deep feelings for some of my female friends, and there are some other reasons related to physical attraction and lots of other things that I've been putting together. I've discussed the subject in much more depth on lgbt forums, but it's not something I'll go into a spiel about here.

 

I recently mentioned/hinted that I was considering this, and their reactions were the opposite of what I would have expected. My dad has always had a bit of a temper (not in a violent way, but like, reacting with sudden alarm/anger to stuff), but he has cooled down over the years, and has always had a very anti-gay prejudice. So when I tested the waters with him, I was expecting him to blow a lid, but his response was shockingly very nice and calm. Along the jist of "You know I'm not thrilled about the subject of gayness, but you're still always my #1 no matter what, and you'll find your person and figure it out." Like I'm sure he would rather me be straight, but he didn't freak out or anything...he was calm, no freakout, said he'd never have it change my relationship with him, that he'd always be there if I wanted to talk, etc. Honestly, due to my dad's temper and homophobia, I'm SHOCKED by how cool he was.

 

My mom was the one I'm more upset by. When I was growing up, my dad was more focused on his work and also had a tendency to be the one who was stricter and had more of a temper, while my mom was always the "cool parent." She pretty much let me stay out as late as I wanted, was never a control freak about what I did, never judged my friends, etc. She was responsible, and I'm sure her laxness comes from the fact that I was such a responsible and good kid, but she was always very chill. For example, when I was a teen she took me to get birth control so I'd be empowered for the future, and she taught me a strong sense of personal empowerment. Basically, when I was growing up, I got the sense that she'd accept me for whoever I turned out to be, barring any issues like drug abuse or becoming homeless or being on Jerry Springer or something. Basically I never thought it would be an issue for her if I ended up not being straight.

 

But because of how my mom has been very sheltered, she has some extreme tendencies that I've never really seen her fully develop until more recently. For clarify, she is NOT old - only late 40s. She's been getting more and more religious, in an extreme and literalist type of way. When I was growing up she believed in God but wasn't controlling over it, but now, she believes that the world is a scary and screwed up place and Jesus is the only hope and etc. To clarify, I am not bashing Christianity in any way, and I have nothing against a person having religious beliefs. But for her, it's like she's becoming more and more of a fearful hermit who thinks the world is a bad place, but she doesn't even get out much so she has no idea, and she uses religion to cope. She thinks that CNN and ABC News are the "Liberal Media" and that all shows/movies/books with gay people or liberal themes are an "agenda." (She never said stuff like this and was never controlling about what I read/watched as a kid). She thinks that anyone liberal or moderate, like anyone who likes Obama, is a "libtard." Again, I don't have any type of bias against conservatives or people who disagree on politics, but for her it goes more than just differing opinions - it's like she thinks that librals are part of this agenda with the devil or something equally irrational. She told me all about how she know *ONE* gay person in her life, and he did drugs, so now she thinks that all gay people are screwed up and/or use drugs. She's also paranoid that I use drugs. I do not. I drink socially when I go out, but have 2-3 drinks and am not an alcoholic. Aside from smoking some *very* occasional weed, like maybe a few times a year if someone hands me a joint at a beach party, I've never been a drug abuser either. Her paranoia comes from the fact that when I get overemotional (because of how stressed I sometimes feel about all this), or when I seem "liberal" or something, she gets very disturbed by it. In actuality, I am a moderate-liberal (left leaning libertarian) who is an Agnostic and possibly a lesbian, but I cannot tell her this because she will think it's the most horrifying news on the planet.

 

Basically it's hard. When I was growing up, my dad was the one who I sometimes felt like I had to walk around eggshells around, so I've always been a little bit more emotionally distant with him. But, in light of recent stuff, I think he and I will be getting closer.But my mom was never a nutjob as a kid, and always seemed very open and laid back. In retrospect, she probably emotionally parentified me a bit, with the whole "you're my best friend" kind of stuff, but she was not a crazy nutjob. But now, it's like she's turning into this person who I don't know if I will ever be able to relate to in a way that doesn't make me feel stressed out and guilty.

 

In summary: I am professionally successful, independent, live on my own, have great friends, keep my health in top prime, volunteer, have meaningful hobbies and future goals, save for retirement at 24, and am a daughter that a lot of parents would be envious of. But because I'm possibly a lesbian, my mom is "deeply disturbed," would be horrified and disappointed in me if she found out I didn't share her beliefs, and thinks I am doing drugs and that there is cause to be "concerned."

 

Seriously, I just got off the phone with her and I feel like pulling my hair out.

Parents...A love every child is forced to choose.

 

Only you know what you feel.

[FlowerDemon]

Daffodil summed up pretty much what I was going to say. What's most important is you are living your life the way that you want, that makes you happy. Your mom might not understand but I'm glad your father is supportive even though he disagrees with the whole thing. I'd say just keep some distance from your mom, and only bring up the gay topic if she brings it up first. I would just say something like "Look I am your daughter, and I know you love me. And as your daughter I will be honest with you about who I am." Be firm, get her to realize that you are an adult, and even though she may disagree with your life choices, it is your life and you are in control of how you live it.

[Lyra]

Thanks for the responses. Sorry for not replying - I haven't checked this thread in a while, so I'm just now seeing the replies.

 

I have been polite and cordial with my mother, but have not opened up to her or divulged anything to her since then. I'm keeping things more formal and emotionally distant, although courteous, on my end. Kind of like how I'd talk with a business client.