Guest Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Alas, I am a new process of deconversion! I suppose you could call it the "Stockholm Stage." Yes, indeed, I'm being tempted by God again. What's funny is I'm having the same feelings about God as I used to have about Satan when I was a Christian: "Maybe that lifestyle is better... Maybe its the right choice... maybe I'll be happier." I am surrounded by Christians, and they all pose questions that I don't know how to answer from my new perspective. All I know is their answer, and why I hate it. I have no way to combat their answers logically, though, so when the anger subsides, I wonder why I don't just go back. Life seems like it was easier back then. I attended a wedding of two of my Christian friends. I love them. I prayed for them. No, I didn't utter any words but I prayed. My partner said he noticed my posture change during the group prayer. I meant it. That night,i had such a strong desire to go back. My only sense of community has been church. I miss feeling like I belong. Now I just feel broken and empty and immature in life, since I missed out on so much. Yesterday, there were three men passing out Bibles at my school. I offered to take a picture of them because they were struggling, hoping to tell them I'm an atheist. No. I told them I grew up Christian and that I was looking for community. Why the fuck would I say that? Now I have two business cards in my pocket. I was approached again yesterday, but by three high school age street evangelists. Could this be God trying to get ahold of me? I told them I was an atheist. I struggled to argue. I told them eventually that I just didn't want God on the throne of my life because of his horrible chaeacter. They asked if they could pray for me. I asked them to wish me well with my mother, who disagrees with me on the spiritual. They had to leave. They seemed to care. I keep studying astronomy with the only conclusion that "God made it." I know nothing else.i can't think critically. Its very frustrating. I cant explain anything to myself if it doesn't involve God. I'm overwhelmed with stress right now, in between therapists (had to stop driving back down to my hometown to see old therapist due to budget), and I really, really miss church. I don't but I do. It hurts like hell. My partner told me he's afraid I'll go back. I'm afraid too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Sounds like your identity is tied up in Christianity. And the abuse(s) by your father and religious abuse by your mother needs to be addressed by a professional as well. Have you thought about removing yourself from the Christian surroundings? Maybe move somewhere more secular (large city?) or find atheist clubs/meetups ? What did you like about church that makes you miss it? Is there some non-church social activity that can replace it? Are you interested in delving into pantheism? Have you considered volunteering for a secular organization? Guide your life towards your own personal happiness, whatever you decide that is. Don't let other decide what your personal happiness is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Nobody should be on the throne of your life but you. To think otherwise is disempowering and throwing away personal responsibility. I hope it goes well for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted July 15, 2016 Super Moderator Share Posted July 15, 2016 Think about and act upon what is real, what has evidence, what is true - not merely whatever feels comfortable. Really, there is life after church, and it's a much better life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quinntar Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 Alas, I am a new process of deconversion! I suppose you could call it the "Stockholm Stage." Yes, indeed, I'm being tempted by God again. What's funny is I'm having the same feelings about God as I used to have about Satan when I was a Christian: "Maybe that lifestyle is better... Maybe its the right choice... maybe I'll be happier." I am surrounded by Christians, and they all pose questions that I don't know how to answer from my new perspective. All I know is their answer, and why I hate it. I have no way to combat their answers logically, though, so when the anger subsides, I wonder why I don't just go back. Life seems like it was easier back then. I attended a wedding of two of my Christian friends. I love them. I prayed for them. No, I didn't utter any words but I prayed. My partner said he noticed my posture change during the group prayer. I meant it. That night,i had such a strong desire to go back. My only sense of community has been church. I miss feeling like I belong. Now I just feel broken and empty and immature in life, since I missed out on so much. Yesterday, there were three men passing out Bibles at my school. I offered to take a picture of them because they were struggling, hoping to tell them I'm an atheist. No. I told them I grew up Christian and that I was looking for community. Why the fuck would I say that? Now I have two business cards in my pocket. I was approached again yesterday, but by three high school age street evangelists. Could this be God trying to get ahold of me? I told them I was an atheist. I struggled to argue. I told them eventually that I just didn't want God on the throne of my life because of his horrible chaeacter. They asked if they could pray for me. I asked them to wish me well with my mother, who disagrees with me on the spiritual. They had to leave. They seemed to care. I keep studying astronomy with the only conclusion that "God made it." I know nothing else.i can't think critically. Its very frustrating. I cant explain anything to myself if it doesn't involve God. I'm overwhelmed with stress right now, in between therapists (had to stop driving back down to my hometown to see old therapist due to budget), and I really, really miss church. I don't but I do. It hurts like hell. My partner told me he's afraid I'll go back. I'm afraid too. I feel for you, right here (The human heart) There will be a big gap in your life when you have moved far enough away from (Those guys) So this is what you do, get involved with having relationship's that centre around learning. That will plug up the hole permanently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 Community you will find by going out and looking for it amongst non Christians. There are plenty of them. Arguments you will learn by research and asking questions - and here is as good a place as any. Personally, I would suggest avoiding discussions with Christians. "I'm not interested" is pretty unanswerable - and if they persist just keep repeating it (if necessary with increasing apparent annoyance) until they get the picture. Also try walking away. Sometimes, you just have to be rude. Keep plugging away. You know your direction, and you'll get there with persistence. And keep talking to your partner - seems he's supportive of your breaking with this damned religion. Use him for support. And shout here whenever you feel it's getting too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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