Brother Jeff Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Hi everybody, My name is Brother Jeff, and I worship Three Gods who are somehow magically One God while simultaneously being Each Other! Glory! I believe in One God who is named the Holy Farter, the Lard Jesus Kryasst, and the Holy Spook, or the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him, depending on how He chooses to manifest. Glory! My favorite Gospel story is the Baptism of Kryasst, when the Holy Spook magically assumed His Bird Form and landed on the Lard's shoulder, signifying the Holy Farter's Sky Approval of His glorious ministry. I used to participate here on a daily basis and I've been a member since 2005, but for the last few years, I have appeared only as the Lard has magically led me to visit this glorious site. But, so that the newer folks can get to know me better, I have decided to obey the magical promptings of the Holy Spook and share my glorious anti-testimony again. Rather than copy/paste and deal with decade-old links that may be dead now, I'll just point you to my story as I wrote it back in those days. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/17-full-realization-atheism/#.V5ERFbgrLYc That topic is locked, of course, so if you wish to comment on it, please do so here in this glorious topic. And here's a bit about me from my profile: I’m a professional evangelist. I travel the country — and sometimes the world, when the Lard magically commands it — trusting the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him to magically cause those who hear me preach the Good News, the Glorious Bullshit about Kryasst, to believe and be SLAVED! As I’m sure you know, the most important decision we can make in life is our Sky Decision about who the Lard Jesus is and what we must do to follow Him. I couldn’t believe it when I first heard the Truth that 2000 years before I was born, the Lard Jesus Kryasst sacrificed Himself to Himself on the big giant stick to save me from the Holy Farter version of Himself! I always sensed somehow that something was wrong with me, and when I heard that that “wrongness” was because Adam and Eve killed my inner spook because they ate some magic fruit from a magic tree after listening to a lying talking snake and caused me to do shit that pisses Jesus off, even against my own will — well, it all just suddenly made perfect sense! The Word says that Jesus came to destroy the diabolical magical works of the Talking Snake (which He did when He Croaked in the Spook on the big giant stick), and the Word also says that Kryasst is gonna ride His Sky Horse down from the Sky Kingdom someday very soon to kick the Talking Snake’s ass for good! Glory! Considering everything that Kryasst has done for me, how can I NOT totally dedicate every moment of my life to Him and His glorious work all around this biblically flat planet? I say without shame or fear of any man that KRYASST IS MY EVERYTHING. He Croaked in the Spook and then Magically Undeadened Himself so that by believing that Glorious Bullshit, I could be SLAVED and go to live with Him in the Sky Kingdom forever after I Croak in the Spook. Hall-lay-LOOH-Yah!! If you don't have a Personal Sky Relationship with the Lard Jesus, you need to get slaved! Just pray this prayer like you really mean it, and the Lard will cum into your farts and slave your inner spook! Glory! O Magic Sky Farter, I know that I have broken your laws and the shit I have done that pisses you off has separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from that shit and stop doing shit that pisses you off. Please forgive me, and help me avoid pissing you off again. I believe that your son who is also somehow magically you, Jesus Kryasst, died for the shit I did that pissed you off, was magically undeadened, is alive and living in the sky, and hears me talking to myself. I invite Jesus to become the Lard of my life, to rule and reign in my farts from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spook to magically help me do shit that pleases You, and to do Your kind of shit for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I talk to myself, Amen. Glory! I'm planning to be around here much more often, and I'm looking forward to having fun with friends I've known for years here and getting to know the newer folks here. Glory! Yours because Kryasst Croaked in the Spook and kicked the Talking Snake's ass, Brother Jeff 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOHO Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 That, Brother Jeff, puts the entire xtian dogma into propper perspective. Reading your (and other similar biblical comparisons) really takes the bite out of the long-term effects of the whole mind fuck that too many of us have suffered. Thank you! - MOHO (Mind Of HIs Own) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyra Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 You are hilarious. Even though I'm not straight, I think I may love you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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