Divorced Over Religion

[MOHO]

Greetings, all.

 

This is my first forum topic so I hope it's interesting and, if not, at least usefull.

 

It would seem that a divorce is imminent and that it is due to the tension created by the unequally yoked condition that exists between my wife and myself.

 

All situations are unique and I think that mine is unique in that my wife has evolved into someone who is absolutely, totally and completely intolerant of anyone who is not just exactly like her. This means that, not only must everyone be an xtian, but they must also be the same type of xtian as she is. "Fag" hating, "Jew" hating, old testament loving, gun-toting, survivalist, evangelical fundy. All others are going straight to hell and are something less than human.

 

Side note: How can anyone, looking around the world today, be so comfortable with such an outlook?

 

Anyway, I would like to open up a discussion of the aspects of such a divorce and get some feedback, or just provide a place to vent, from those who have "been there".

 

Thank you in advance for your participation and, if we don't "hear" from you for a couple days - have a great weekend!

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of HIs Own)

[TheRedneckProfessor]

If she instigates the divorce, she is breaking scripture. The believer is supposed to stay in the marriage until the unbeliever either repents or leaves.

[MOHO]

Got 'ya, Proff.

 

It would be me doing the instigating since being viewed by your spouse as a sinful, satin-loving pig is not conducive to marriage. And we're talking about someone who is very very forcefull.

[mwc]

Got 'ya, Proff.

 

It would be me doing the instigating since being viewed by your spouse as a sinful, satin-loving pig is not conducive to marriage. And we're talking about someone who is very very forcefull.

     Sounds like satin is too good for her.

 

     When I came to this site I was heading down this same path.  My wife eventually lightened up and we're still together (although I'm sure she sees it as the time I was enraged over her doing nothing and finally got over it).  We just passed our 23rd anniversary.  It took quite some time for this to happen however (several years but the first one just about did us in...I had the papers in hand and told her to sign them first since I also knew the xian rules but, again, she likely has another reason for not signing).

 

          mwc

[Guest]

I'm in a similar situation, so I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I just feel for you. It's so tough and so complicated.

[GirlOnFire]

Dude...  MOHO....  I am so in your exact same boat!  My husband isn't as die-hard fundy as your wife sound like she is, but he has made it abundantly clear that he is going to remain 100% faithful to his faith, even if it means damaging his relationship with me (which was already on shaky ground years before I kissed Xianity goodbye).

 

Without going into the nitty gritty details, within 5 hours of returning from a 9 day vacation (me and my daughters....he stayed home to work), on Wednesday we had a HUGE argument (we're to the point now where we just say and do things to hurt each other....it's not a healthy situation at all anymore for anyone involved), and that was the last straw.  I had already been planning to separate in the near future, but needed more time to figure out specifics (particularly financial).  But that was my "aha moment"; I realized we couldn't keep slinging pain and hurt at each other -- we need to keep things copacetic between us, if at least for the kids.  So I packed up and moved into my parents' house, taking very little with me.  (I bought all our nice leather furniture, among other things, and am an equal owner of the house).  Despite ALL our decades-long issues, and the fact (he said himself) I've been a complete b to him lately (it's not so much me being a b, as I'm finally not afraid to speak up for myself and quit tolerating shit that I shouldn't), his faith has him completely convinced that he cannot, will not, should not divorce.  So he stays and lives in denial, pretending nothing whatsoever is wrong, and that my departure from the church is a "phase" and once I heal from the spiritual abuse, my heart will soften again and I'll come back to Jesus.  (Except, that's not going to happen.)

 

So, I don't have a ton of advice, because this is all pretty fresh and new to me, too, but I can tell you, you are going to be the one doing this basically alone.  I have had to create the financial and custody agreement of our separation on my own because he flat out refuses to be an adult and equal participant in the decision-making of this separation and work with me.  He says, "Well, you're the one who wants to leave, you figure it out."  You, like me, will be bearing the burden of the entire split.  She won't leave the home, I can almost guarantee that -- you'll have to be the one to move out.
 

I guess my best advice is, stay level-headed and fair; don't screw her over, but don't allow her to screw you over, either.  Stay strong and keep moving forward.  That's all you can really do.

It sucks, man.  I feel ya on this one.  It's a sad, hard reality of two people who once were on the same page now being in totally different books at opposite ends of the library, so to speak.  (In a weird way, though, it is comforting to know I am not the only person walking this path and dealing with this right now.)

 

Best of luck to you.  Keep us posted, and definitely let me know what works/doesn't work for you.  Maybe we can help each other out a bit with our similar experiences.

[MOHO]

StillMegan,

 

Why is it that a faith that so strongly discourages divoce also provokes such strong negative feelings for those who reject the dontrine?

 

Anyway I am very sorry to hear about your situation but, obviously, can totally empathize. The spouse that stays in the fold has an entire network of support but, at least, we have Ex-C. I have not filed yet but when I tell her that attempt #2 to drink the Cool-Aid also turned up dry - she and her family (my step-son and his 3 lovely daughers) will disown me for sure!

 

You, however, have childred (I never had any) which, as far as I am concerned, makes you baver than me. I would guess that removing them from all that tension and negativity will certainly be better for them. As for leaving the house - most lawyers will tell you that doing say will surely make the negotiations difficult for the one who is not living there. We have nice leather furniture too but I'd rather live w/out it than live were I'm not respected.

 

I hope you've consulted a barrister before embarking on your journey.

 

take care and feel free to reach out when you need to.

    - MOHO

[MOHO]

Thank you, Lavendula.

 

Have a great weekend!

[MOHO]

MWC,

 

I've waited for years for her to lighten up but I've watched her progress in her addiction to religion for years and it's not going to get better anytime soon. She is very direct and does NOT give up. Almost always gets her way - even if it's simply be wearing people down so they give in just to shut her up! Additionally, as someone who never completed high-school nor possesses any other type of training in critical thinking, there is little hope that she will ever second-guess the indoctrination.

 

It's been 19 years for us and, having no children of my own, I will be losing my entire family. Guess I'll look up my brother and sisters and see if they're still kicking! 

[GirlOnFire]

MOHO - I already looked into the laws.  In CA, most things (good, bad, and ugly) are looked at as 50/50 shared.  So even though I left, the state will still view it as 50/50 property.  I get to, fortunately, keep my biggest chunk of money, though, on a technicality, since it is an account that is all inheritance and financial aid money (both are some of the few things looked at by the state as individual, and not shared, property).  He makes about 4 x's annually more money than me, though, so that may or may not give him some leverage. (I only work part-time, since I'm a full-time student, and don't make that much money at what I do, though I love it).  However, I have always spent way more time with the kids (I was a stay-at-home parent for almost 12 years up until 3 years ago), so I may have more leverage when it comes to what is in their best interest.  Though things are tense between us, fortunately he's not the type to play games or try and screw me over if there's any chance it might negatively impact the kids.  At least where they're concerned, we're always on the same page.  Money is where, I'm sure, it's gonna get sticky.

 

I am sorry the stakes are so high for you.  Fortunately, my kids are youngish (14, 12, and 8), and are far more emotionally bonded to me than him, so I doubt they will turn on me for it.  The only relatives I stand to lose are my fundy in-laws (no tears shed there, I'm not that bonded to them - they already treat me like I don't really matter outside of my function as wife and mother), and my crazy fundy uncle and his lap dog/my aunt.  My parents and siblings have been SUPER supportive, as have a lot of my non-Christian friends and university classmates.  I have been fortunate in that regard.  I don't think I'd be brave enough to do this if I didn't know I had people that have my back 100%.

 

I find it interesting, too, that you mentioned your wife didn't complete high school or possess any other type of critical thinking training.  The same is true of my husband.  He dropped out of high school his junior year, took his GED, took 1 year of community college gen ed, then went into a trade program (which he completed).  He didn't even complete an AA.  Nor does he have any desire.  I twisted his arm to take a writing class last spring semester, and he HATED it!  He complained more about that one damn class than I complained about all 5 of mine combined (including a math class with the most unreasonable professor I've ever encountered)!!  He doesn't like school, doesn't see the value in it, and doesn't want to do it.  Meanwhile....  I'm a liberal arts (with emphasis on elementary ed) major -- I'm taking classes in literally every subject matter out there, growing my mind. He wants no part of it.  Mostly, I've concluded, because I think deep down he knows it would challenge his faith/worldview, and he doesn't want that to happen.  But I often think, if he's just take a class that really challenged his thoughts and beliefs, not only would it benefit him, but it would benefit us all.  But he refuses, so that's that.  His mind won't open or change because he refuses to allow it to.  It is VERY hard to be a thinker and seeker of knowledge married to someone who wants no part of it!

[Daffodil]

Sorry for both of you to have to go through this. I'm glad you have the strength to make yourselves free. Out of curiosity, how long does it take to finalize a divorce in your states?

[GirlOnFire]

In CA, it is minimum 6 months.  It can be longer if things are complicated or get ugly with splitting assets, custody, etc.  That's why I am really hoping things stay civil-ish so that we can hopefully get it done on the cheaper and quicker end.

 

I used to live in OR (where MOHO is), and have looked at their laws, but can't remember offhand.  I want to say theirs is a 6 month minimum, too, but I'm not positive.

[WarriorPoet]

Got 'ya, Proff.

 

It would be me doing the instigating since being viewed by your spouse as a sinful, satin-loving pig is not conducive to marriage. And we're talking about someone who is very very forcefull.

Per the words of Jesus, which theoretically should be important to your wife if she is a fundy, she has no right to divorce you.  Matt 19:8 Jesus says that infidelity is the only acceptable reason for divorce, and only if it was the woman who was unfaithful.  Nothing in the words of Jesus or the law of Moses permits a woman to initiate a divorce against her husband.

 

Before you say it, I agree that this outlook is blatantly sexist, but if your wife wants to be fundamentalist, then she should follow all of the fundamentals.

[MOHO]

Megan, Daf,

 

"It is VERY hard to be a thinker and seeker of knowledge married to someone who wants no part of it!"

EXACTLY! It's hard to even acknowledge or have any meaningful conversation with someone like that.

 

Oregon is six months also. Generally thought to be more even Stephen than CA but, from everything I have read, this depends on the judge. I make a very good living cutting code but she had a successful business - so we'll see. To be straight up I have not yet filed but I plan to in a week or two.

 

In a conversation tonight she beat around the bush that she feels an obligation to stay married, due to scripture, even though she is unhappy. Not THIS dime-store cowboy! I have no such delusions but I do have a nagging separation anxiety. DAMMIT!

 

Education wise she is a high-school drop-out with a few junior college classes and I have a BS in computer science from Columbia - Suma cum Lade.  

 

Here's to a continual support mechanism. Oh, Hell! What I mean is I'm glad I'm not going through this alone.

[MOHO]

Warrior,

 

You are very astute! And in a past conversation, when I asked if she was staying in the marriage due to the afformentioned scripture, she did not reply. That inaction spoke volumes...and made me very sad.

[WarriorPoet]

Thank you for the compliment.

 

To be completely honest, I am not trying to save your marriage, that is a job for which I am highly unqualified.  I'm just trying to point out how she is not following the words of the founder of her religion.  If you can point out to her the complete unfairness in her religion's view of marriage, she might start to ask herself some questions which just may lead to her joining you in deconversion.

[MOHO]

Girl ON Fire

 

In a previous post on this topic, wherein I addressed length of divorce proceedings, I inadvertenly left you out of the adressee list at the top of the post. My apologies!

[MOHO]

GirlONFire, StillMegan ??

 

Here so go again.

 

In a previous post I inadvertenlty address my reply to StillMegain when it should have been GirlONFire. Unless there as a screen name change here?

[GirlOnFire]

It's me...StillMegan.  I'm one in the same.  Just changed my screen name (and pic) is all.  I wasn't digging the original screen name, and have been bugging my sister by singing this song (Alicia Keys' "That girl is on fire....") any time fire was mentioned all week long.  Plus, I like the symbolism.  It's like I've finally woken up and become effective at getting stuff done....for myself, the world, etc.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Hey there MOHO,

Hope you are able to find your way out soon. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are looking for a solid way to exit. My hunch is that your life will be a lot more happy once you are over the initial shock of change. Living with such a monolithic believer is very sour and no way to live.

 

I'm just across the river in Vancouver, WA. Do you gig with your guitar? I started singing in Portland about 6 years ago and have been to several of the established jazz jams.

[MOHO]

Fuego,

 

Thank you for the support. You are so correct that living with someone who has the blinders so afixed that they can barely get through life is really no life. For either of us!

 

The only gigs I do are in the privacy of my home. The staircase serves as the bleachers and I obtain backing tracks from the Interwebs to back me up. I try to solo all the way through w/out repeating any riffs.

    - MOHO

[♦ nivek ♦]

"He or she who files first files best."

 

If your time is done, whatever reason, just get the legal shit rolling and DO IT. 

Not an attorney nor a spokesman for one. Do investigative work providing deep information building for those clients needing such.

 

Wait around for other partner to actually DO something, you WILL BE FUCKED come hearing times in Korts.

 

It is tough to do folks. However if you are out of superglue and time, quit trying to fix a toy that no one plays with. Get things lawfully going, and in turn life back on track YOU wanted.

 

kevinL

[midniterider]

In CA, it is minimum 6 months.  It can be longer if things are complicated or get ugly with splitting assets, custody, etc.  That's why I am really hoping things stay civil-ish so that we can hopefully get it done on the cheaper and quicker end.

 

I used to live in OR (where MOHO is), and have looked at their laws, but can't remember offhand.  I want to say theirs is a 6 month minimum, too, but I'm not positive.

 

Come on over to Nevada, my friend. Nearly insta-divorce here.

[midniterider]

Side note: How can anyone, looking around the world today, be so comfortable with such an outlook?

 

Anyway, I would like to open up a discussion of the aspects of such a divorce and get some feedback, or just provide a place to vent, from those who have "been there".

 

Thank you in advance for your participation and, if we don't "hear" from you for a couple days - have a great weekend!

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of HIs Own)

 

Divorce freed me from a stressful hell. Arguing all the time sucked. The initial change from married to single was an emotional upheaval but I soon got past it. For a short time I lived by myself, which was lonely , but at least there wasn't arguing.

 

I've since remarried and had a much more rewarding life with my 2nd wife. I'm her 2nd husband and she likes to say that the first marriage is just a starter marriage. lol.

 

I'm glad you're not going to put up with unhealthy emotional bullshit.

[GirlOnFire]

 

In CA, it is minimum 6 months.  It can be longer if things are complicated or get ugly with splitting assets, custody, etc.  That's why I am really hoping things stay civil-ish so that we can hopefully get it done on the cheaper and quicker end.

 

I used to live in OR (where MOHO is), and have looked at their laws, but can't remember offhand.  I want to say theirs is a 6 month minimum, too, but I'm not positive.

 

Come on over to Nevada, my friend. Nearly insta-divorce here.

 

 

I've heard that.  I'm not emotionally ready to file yet.  I think it's definitely on the horizon, but I need to learn a lot about being on my own first.  I got married 2 weeks before my 20th birthday, so I literally went from being my parents' dependent, to being my husband's dependent.  I'm a tough cookie and can handle a lot on my own, but I am, nevertheless, on a bit of a learning curve.  And things are more or less amicable between my husband and me with this separation (at least so far), and I know him well enough to know he's not going to be impulsive just to screw me over, so I don't feel like I need to rush anything.  We have a written (though, only loosely legally official) separation agreement, and we're operating off of that for now.  I know that doesn't sound very legit, but it's working for us, so for now, that's good enough for me, at least until I figure out what's next.