Moderator Popular Post TABA Posted July 23, 2016 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted July 23, 2016 I joined this forum back in 2014 when I started to realize that I was probably done with Christianity, but I didn't make my first post, my ex-timony, until earlier this year when the deconversion process really started to feel irreversible: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/71694-my-story/#.V4wWD5D3arU My deconversion has been much easier than for many others, and it has been mainly marked by the freedom I have felt in being able to stop making excuses for the god of the Bible and in letting go of an entire theology that often made me tie my mind in knots trying to make it all fit together. The only real cloud in the sky for me was the fact that my wife was still a faithful Christian and was only vaguely aware of my questioning of a belief system that we had shared since we met. I shared my challenge with you here a few months ago http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/71943-my-christian-wife-i-dont-know-what-to-do-next/?fromsearch=1 and received encouragement, support and a lot of good advice from my new ex-christian friends. I have read and re-read the many responses as I tried to decide how to move forward. Recently I started to feel like the time for full disclosure was about here. I'm not sure why that was; in years past I might have said that God was guiding me, but in this case probably not, haha. Anyway, last Sunday we were lounging in our little backyard pool, totally relaxed and talking about stuff in general when she said "I don't know if I'm going to my Monday night Bible study when it starts back up in August. I suggested we read Rob Bell's newest book and they didn't think that was a good idea at all!" (Rob Bell was a popular Christian pastor and writer who has become liberal in recent years). So I took a deep breath, said no prayer, and said "You know, here's what I think about all that... I'm open to the idea that maybe a god set the laws of physics in place and maybe even triggered the Big Bang, but I really don't believe anymore that there's a god who has intervened in the world or in human lives since then. I went on to make clear that I am no longer a Christian and that I am basically agnostic. In truth I consider myself an agnostic atheist but I didn't want to drop the a-bomb on her right away. She actually took it much better than I thought. She wasn't surprised that I am no longer a Christian, given the skeptical comments that I've made over the past year or more, but I've been going to church with her (not our old church but a Catholic one instead) and - get this - even saying grace at the dinner table, in Jesus' name, so I was definitely sending some mixed signals. She was somewhat troubled that I no longer have a belief in any god at all, but even there it was much milder than I expected. For quite a while I had been thinking that fully coming out about my deconversion might not be a huge deal, but I also though maybe I was indulging in wishful thinking about that. So, no screaming, no attempt to drown me in the pool, not even tears. She doesn't think I'm going to Hell. I mentioned a Bart Ehrman book that I read recently and also his video course about the New Testament and she said she'd like to watch it with me, even after I made clear that Ehrman is agnostic. I'm starting to think my wife may end up as some kind of vague theist, to be honest. I don't think she's as heavily invested in Jesus/Yahweh as I thought, but I think she will need to have a belief in a benevolent god for the foreseeable future. But of course it's a huge relief for me to be open with her about my unbelief and for her not to be very upset about it. Now I no longer say sham prayers at the dinner table, and that is another big relief for me. I can finally stop hiding my unbelief, even if I'm not gong to shout it from the rooftops... I've been looking forward to being able to tell a story like this to you all for quite a while now, and I'm so glad that time is here. I know some of you are unequally yoked with believing spouses and others of you have partners who are on the same page as yourself. I'm just glad to be a part of this community! 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Wow, this is huge. And I'm glad that it seems you're both either on the same page, on the way to the same page, or at least, on nearby pages. thanks for sharing! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 Oh, good. It's always a relief when a spouse doesn't respond with sobs and saying "I feel like I want to die!" when you tell them about your loss of faith, as happened in my case. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bhim Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Wow, you're extremely fortunate to have had such a smooth experience with your wife. I was fortunate enough to deconvert from Christianity and return to the religion of my birth before getting married. My wife and I are both Hindus and yet we still have all kinds of minor arguments about religion, usually centering around my non-theism (atheism is far more acceptable in Hinduism than in Christianity, but it's still not viewed as ideal). Having been thoroughly steeped in evangelical Christianity, I can vividly imagine what kinds of discord can ensue if a spouse leaves the faith. I sense that you introduced your disbelief to her in stages rather than dropping a bombshell, and if so, your efforts appear to have paid off. I wish you both a smooth ride as you further explain to your wife where you're at in your journey away from Jesus. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Bless the Lard, Brother! I'm thankful that the Holy Spook was there hovering over you silently in His Bird Form to magically cause the discussion to go so well. Huge relief, I know. Glory! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 I'm very happy for you that it went so well, ThereAndBackAgain! Best of luck moving forward as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randinem Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 My husband had a similar reaction and within a few months was more outspoken about his unbelief than myself. Good luck moving foward and congratulations. I know it's a big step. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insightful Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Wow T&B - I am so happy for you that it went as well as it did. I am in the other camp where my wife has been completely devastated, assures me that no matter how hard I try our relationship will never be the same, and that without me having faith she can never be fully happy in our marriage. Granted we've got a lot of other issues too. I often wonder if the rest of our marriage was strong if my unbelief would have felt more manageable. Would you say that you guys had an otherwise strong and mutually fulfilling marriage apart from your change in faith? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TABA Posted July 25, 2016 Author Moderator Share Posted July 25, 2016 I'm very happy for you that it went so well, ThereAndBackAgain! Best of luck moving forward as well! Thanks, Lavendula! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TABA Posted July 25, 2016 Author Moderator Share Posted July 25, 2016 My husband had a similar reaction and within a few months was more outspoken about his unbelief than myself. Good luck moving foward and congratulations. I know it's a big step. Thanks for the good wishes, Randinem! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TABA Posted July 25, 2016 Author Moderator Share Posted July 25, 2016 Wow T&B - I am so happy for you that it went as well as it did. I am in the other camp where my wife has been completely devastated, assures me that no matter how hard I try our relationship will never be the same, and that without me having faith she can never be fully happy in our marriage. Granted we've got a lot of other issues too. I often wonder if the rest of our marriage was strong if my unbelief would have felt more manageable. Would you say that you guys had an otherwise strong and mutually fulfilling marriage apart from your change in faith? Yes, our marriage is good and we are best friends as well as a couple. My wife would surely deny this, but I suspect she loves me more than she loves Jesus. It doesn't hurt that I can cook a nice dinner, bring her a glass of wine after a long day, and, oh yeah, I'm better in bed than him too... I'm sorry it's harder for you, my friend. I hope things get better. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 I love to read such good news! How wonderful it must be to have what seems to be harmony in the home when one of the two discloses the big secret. I am very glad it worked out so well!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOHO Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 That's great news, T&B!!! I am jelous! Not only is my wife over-the-freeking-top fundy but uses the doctrine to contorl family members as well as those in community service/politics/leadership. Anyway - good on 'ya for coming out and here's to hoping that your wife joins you. - MOHO (Mind Of HIs Own) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 So happy for you, TABA! We had a rocky start when my DH shared his lack of faith first. Thankfully I was already on my way down that road anyway, so it wasn't too bad. Still took another two years for me to get fully on board, though. Unfortunately, now we've switched and he wants to hang on to church attendance (more as a nominal Christian) which I hate. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Holy shit, you did it! That's such a difficult challenge and you handled it so gracefully! I'm so happy it went so well! <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TardisThinker Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Oh my goodness, this is wonderful news!!! I'm so happy for you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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