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Goodbye Jesus

Are More Women Leaving Christianity?


ficino

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Hi, I am just wondering: has anyone seen statistics that show whether the percentage of women who are ex-Christians is rising noticeably? I'm well aware the percentages of "unchurched" people in general are rising. But it's sort of seeming as though the numbers of women of all ages who are abandoning church/Christianity is noticeably growing. If that's true, I'm wondering whether it's because of factors that are equally important to both sexes, or whether in addition more women are fed up with the patriarchal dominance embedded in the religion: its texts, its traditions, its modern-day practices.

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I'm curious to know as well. It would actually be far more damaging to lose women than to lose men since women do the vast majority of church "work" - cleaning, childcare, cooking, teaching the young, etc.!

 

In my own case, it was the general illogic of it all rather than specific mysoginist passages that pushed me out. I just got to the point with those ugly passages that I would just disagree and disregard them.

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I've no idea but I live in hope.

 

Now, where did I last see Mrs E...

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As a woman/girl (24) myself, I left Christianity because I find its claims to be impossible, implausible fantasy bullshit, like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. But I was raised in a non-fundy family where I was encouraged to study science and be empowered etc. In my upbringing, the sexist crap in the Bible was explained away as "It was just the culture of that time" or "God gave women talents/a brain to use them freely" etc. Basically the Christianity I grew up with wasn't sexist or rigid on gender roles. But, if it was, that would have been the reason for me to leave it sooner. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm curious to know as well. It would actually be far more damaging to lose women than to lose men since women do the vast majority of church "work" - cleaning, childcare, cooking, teaching the young, etc.!

 

That is such a good point! Also in my experience it is the women who have the most influence in keeping the family involved in the church. My husband is still a Christian, but without me pushing for us to be involved with the church I have noticed that his attendance has dropped significantly. 

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A few rabid men drive Christianity . A lot of women pack the pews and bring kids and hubby.

 

A bunch of sex starved, misogynistic, illiterate men drive Islam. A lot of women pack the back of the church cause they don't want to be beaten or think they actually deserve to be second class

 

My simplistic answers

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In my experience, most churches are becoming less patriarchal or sexist or whatever you want to call it.  It seems to me that most churches are glossing over or ignoring or "culturalizing" those passages in the Bible.  And only the more devout Christians study the Bible for themselves; most know only the portions that are preached/taught.  There are exceptions, of course.  But I suspect most women are leaving because they just increasingly find the church irrelevant.

 

And, yes, it's a problem for volunteerism in the church.  Although I think a lot of churches also have issues with disengaged women - those who attend but don't volunteer.

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My own experience...  I got tired of the mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse I was enduring for no other reason than that I was born female.  I towed the line for way too long, then "woke up" one day and realized that I was being treated like shit; I wasn't allowed to have dreams, goals, or activities that weren't centered around the church, my husband, and my children.  I was told often how flawed I was as a woman, mother, wife, and human being in general.  It was made clear that I was seen as having no value outside of popping out babies and propping up my husband's ego.  So, for me, it was more about the patriarchal structure, and subsequent abuse of women, that caused me to leave initially.

 

Later, it became about all the hypocrisy, hateful (or at least severely lacking in compassion) actions, and ridiculous beliefs I saw Christians engaged in that kind of cemented it for me.

 

There's only so long a woman can live within that bubble, accepting that she has no value of her own, before she learns better and realizes how systemically fucked up the whole thing is and gets the hell out.  In general, I think today's women are a more educated, outspoken group, for one.  Secondly, I think media/technology/social media has made it much easier to get facts into the hands of those who would rather bury their heads in the sand.  It's hard to ignore facts forever when you're presented with them on the daily.  It makes you think, it makes you question, it makes you examine your beliefs whether you want to or not.  I think today's women are privy to better/more information, and that makes it harder for them to just accept a prescribed "truth" without ever questioning it.  Today's women know better, so they want better for themselves.  That's my theory, anyway.

 

I love that you brought this up, and I really hope it's true on a larger (not just observational) scale!  Women taking back their lives and their power....hell yeah!!

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I find it disturbing when people get chained to the cult, by having lots of kids with the patriarch and being financially dependent on him with no way to stand on her own two feet logistically.

 

Like, ponder this scenario. You grow up homeschooled in the cult, marry at 18, and start popping out babies. No college or even high-school level knowledge, no marketable skills, certifications, or any other professional qualifications. You spend your 20s and 30s doing helpmeet crap with still no marketable professional experience or trade skills, instead throwing your entire life into the church. 

 

Let's say you're 40 when you realize it's all a crock of shit. But by that time, you've got no skills or experience to help you enter the job market. No resume whatsoever. And, you have 9 kids.

 

Where would a person go from there, if all her family and support network people have an agenda of wanting her to stay oppressed in the cult? If she had no kids, it would be easy enough to get into a women's shelter and get certified in something high-demand, like nursing or tech work or a trade of some type, and then she could get her own apartment and support herself. But what if she has a bunch of toddlers, babies and school-age young kids to take care of and financially support?

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Lyra: I've actually counseled someone in this situation, although 9 kids is an exaggeration (although I know someone with 8).  In those situations, it's a difficult problem because the mom is concerned not just with herself but with the kids.  If she leaves, will they be homeless?  Living in a shelter someplace?  How much risk does she take with their lives?  And at that point, it's easy for the husband to hold his sole income contribution over her head.  As in, she doesn't provide any of the financial input.  Or "where would you go?" kind of questions.  Sometimes the choice is to wait until the kids are grown and then take a risky leap.  But then the kids see the wife as abandoning the husband, they don't recognize the other factors.

 

To be fair, the church didn't advocate that kind of relationship; it came with them when they came to the church.  The leadership (well, me and one other pastor) recognized the difficulty of the situation; we didn't make excuses for it.  But we couldn't fix it, either.

 

I would estimate that less than 10% (maybe less than 1%) of churches would actually advocate that kind of lopsided relationship.  That said, my wife was perfectly fine staying home to raise the kids - she thought it was important and I was OK with it (but we weren't trying to live on a pastor's salary either - the pastoring I've done was always when I had another job to pay the bills).  And we also both have college degrees.

 

Women's shelters are not usually a long-term solution.  Not long enough to get a degree, anyway.  Usually they are just a place to get safe while you plan your next move - which is in like 90 days or less.  A lot of shelters, maybe most of them, have more demand than supply, so they have to limit the stay.  They will take kids, but the time limitation is the real problem. So a woman in that situation who plans to stay in a shelter basically has to plan on filing for divorce immediately and asking for support.  But she has to find a lawyer who will do it pro bono or something.  Or she has to find a friend or relative who will let her sleep on the sofa for a while.

 

I still have a laminated card in my wallet with the numbers of the local women's shelters and other assistance organizations.

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I find it disturbing when people get chained to the cult, by having lots of kids with the patriarch and being financially dependent on him with no way to stand on her own two feet logistically.

 

Like, ponder this scenario. You grow up homeschooled in the cult, marry at 18, and start popping out babies. No college or even high-school level knowledge, no marketable skills, certifications, or any other professional qualifications. You spend your 20s and 30s doing helpmeet crap with still no marketable professional experience or trade skills, instead throwing your entire life into the church. 

 

Let's say you're 40 when you realize it's all a crock of shit. But by that time, you've got no skills or experience to help you enter the job market. No resume whatsoever. And, you have 9 kids.

 

Where would a person go from there, if all her family and support network people have an agenda of wanting her to stay oppressed in the cult? If she had no kids, it would be easy enough to get into a women's shelter and get certified in something high-demand, like nursing or tech work or a trade of some type, and then she could get her own apartment and support herself. But what if she has a bunch of toddlers, babies and school-age young kids to take care of and financially support?

A bad scene. It describes the situation of many ultra-Orthodox Jewish women as well.

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I find it disturbing when people get chained to the cult, by having lots of kids with the patriarch and being financially dependent on him with no way to stand on her own two feet logistically.

 

Like, ponder this scenario. You grow up homeschooled in the cult, marry at 18, and start popping out babies. No college or even high-school level knowledge, no marketable skills, certifications, or any other professional qualifications. You spend your 20s and 30s doing helpmeet crap with still no marketable professional experience or trade skills, instead throwing your entire life into the church. 

 

Let's say you're 40 when you realize it's all a crock of shit. But by that time, you've got no skills or experience to help you enter the job market. No resume whatsoever. And, you have 9 kids.

 

Where would a person go from there, if all her family and support network people have an agenda of wanting her to stay oppressed in the cult? If she had no kids, it would be easy enough to get into a women's shelter and get certified in something high-demand, like nursing or tech work or a trade of some type, and then she could get her own apartment and support herself. But what if she has a bunch of toddlers, babies and school-age young kids to take care of and financially support?

 

This is me, to a less extreme degree.  I got married 2 weeks before my 20th birthday.  

 

I was in school for 1 1/2 years, until hubs popped the question, and I decided I was going to move to the middle of freaking nowhere (where he lived), where there was little to no access to higher education, get married, and start a family, because that's what the young women in our (*cough*bullshit*cough*) denomination did.  I took classes part-time until I was about 4 months pregnant with my son, at which point I dropped out of school completely, quit my job, and became a stay-at-home mom with my only friends and outlets being tied to the church.

 

I left the fundy church when my 2nd child was about 2 years old (in 2006), and all hell basically broke out in my life.  I lost my entire support system and social network in the blink of an eye.  I had doubts about my faith.  And my marriage was starting to go downhill.  (In a nutshell, my husband has been very emotionally neglectful, and unsupportive/unaffirming/ungrateful for the majority of our marriage.)  I would call my mom (a successful feminist and strong agnostic woman) regularly, sobbing that I felt trapped in my marriage and my life.  That went on for a good 6-7 more years....wanting out, but knowing I had zero financial resources, no education, no way to support myself and my kids....so, I had no choice but to "shut up and put up" with my situation.

 

Finally, 2 years ago, I moved closer to my parents, and near a fabulous university (where I'm currently beginning my 2nd year).  I knew I needed options.  I also got a fabulous job that I LOVE (though, with no higher education, I'm stuck in a lower-capacity position for lower pay....but it won't be that way forever).  I am making things happen, but it's going to be another 3 years before I'm done with school and therefore able to make decent enough money to support myself.

 

I separated from my husband a month ago and am living with my parents, with my kids here 2/3 of the time.  I had to leave my gorgeous (but modest) house that I bought a year ago.  At the present moment, aside from student financial aid that I'm waiting on, I have $150ish to get me to my next decent paycheck at the end of September.  (I'm a teaching assistant, so have no work during the summer months, and pay happens once a month at the end of the month.)  My husband barely makes enough to give me any sort of financial support, and thusly fights me tooth and nail over every cent I ask for, so I don't really, because it's just not worth the battle.  The only support I ask for things for the kids (food, clothing, etc.).

 

I am realizing through all this just how dependent I've been my entire life.  I've never had to independently support myself, really, let alone with 3 kids thrown in the mix.  There are days when it terrifies me so much that I consider going back, even though I know that would be a huge mistake (the whole marriage/separation is such a shit show right now....like, you don't even want to know), because at least while things totally suck being married to my husband, at least there was financial stability.

 

So I get why these women stay.  (Not that I agree with it!)  Because leaving, especially when you have little to nothing to your name to help you stand on your own feet, is terrifying.  The known is always going to seem less scary than the unknown.....period.

 

The church is way too good at enslaving women.  Way. too. good.

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  • 3 weeks later...

GirlOnFire, your story is incredibly painful. But I am glad that you are moving forward. It sounds as though you have much to look forward to.

I just saw this book review, which is pertinent to the thread, about the book, Women Beyond Belief:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nogodblog/2016/09/women-beyond-belief-discovering-life-without-religion-book-review/?ref_widget=gr_trending&ref_blog=grails&ref_post=atheist

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I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but the Pew Research Center has done a study on gender and religion. You can find out about it at this link: http://www.pewforum.org/2016/03/22/the-gender-gap-in-religion-around-the-world/ 

 

Highlights: 

 

- In the United States, for example, women are more likely than men to say religion is “very important” in their lives (60% vs. 47%), according to a 2014 Pew Research Center survey. American women also are more likely than American men to say they pray daily (64% vs. 47%) and attend religious services at least once a week (40% vs. 32%).
 
- On all the standard measures of religious commitment examined in the study, Christian women are more religious than Christian men. By contrast, Muslim women and Muslim men show similar levels of religiousness on all measures of religious commitment except frequency of attendance at worship services. 
 
- Based on these wide-ranging and comprehensive datasets, this study finds that, globally, women are more devout than men by several standard measures of religious commitment. But the study also reveals a more complex relationship between religion and gender than has been commonly assumed. While women generally are more religious, men display higher levels of religious commitment in some countries and religious groups. And in other contexts, there are few, if any, discernable gender differences in religion.
 
 
This report goes into depth about a lot of the nuance and I haven't read it all, but I would be interested to find out the breakdown by age and education. Now that more women are going to school and gender roles are shifting, will this affect how many leave? 
 
In my own experience, I think it has been easier for men to leave my tradition than women. In part because women in my church were encouraged to abide by traditional gender roles and life was much more involved and insulated in the church, so there was less exposure to outside views. 
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This  is a very interesting post. To respond to the initial question, I have more observations to relate rather than stats.


 


In my experience, I know more men to be non-religious now than their wives. I know couples in my family, my boyfriend's family, etc., where the husbands were once religious but now aren't, or were never religious to begin with. The wives are more devout and tend to hold onto their beliefs. This is for older generations, though. As far as younger generations, every church I ever went to tended to have more females than males in attendance. The same with many Christian groups on college campuses. The ones I had been to tended to have more females than males. It was an overall trend I had noticed.


 


I'm curious what others have noticed? :)


 


Just some observations. Would love to read more stats about this. :)


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