Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

In Deep


Chilledmilk

Recommended Posts

Hey everyone.

First off, I am so pleased this website exists. I have felt alone in this for a long time.

I am wanting to tell my story as I haven't told anyone yet,

I grew up in a Christian family, I have been "serving" in church since I was 12 years old. Starting in the worship team playing bass.

All through high school I couldn't be myself as I felt I had to be a good witness to others at school.

I met my now wife at church and was married just before I turned 21. I have had doubts the last few years. I'm now 27 have three awesome kids and don't believe God exists. My wife and I are currently running the kids church team and it kills me to pretend to believe when we are planning and worse, "teach" young kids things I don't believe. Aaaaand the pastors are my in laws.

I haven't told my wife but I know I have to soon as I can't continue to live a lie.

I don't think she will take it well when I do.

It feels good to write this down.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Living a lie is an option. Many choose it.

 

Individual situations, cognitive dissonance levels,expected punishment, and one's tolerance level very from person to person. All of us need to determine what is best for us. In any case,the good folks here will be be supportive of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

Hey Chilled.

 

Good to see another Kiwi here.

 

I also haven't told my story, haven't left Church, want to tell others "hey I'm leaving", but afraid of the storm that will probably hit.... could be a lil bit o wind... but could be a tornado.

 

And living a lie is not an option for me really... my mind doesn't like it, and at some point someone will find out so I'd rather they find out on my terms, not by me being cornered.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yea. It's bloody aweful. I have been faking it for a couple of years. I'm too good at faking it tho. I have somehow ended up in the leadership meetings. I need out before I end up a preacher who doesn't believe lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome aboard guys. Glad you found this site. Lots of folks here have similar stories. Your situation is unfortunately very common for those of us who have left religion.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yea. It's bloody aweful. I have been faking it for a couple of years. I'm too good at faking it tho. I have somehow ended up in the leadership meetings. I need out before I end up a preacher who doesn't believe lol

Christians do a lot of faking too. After all, that shit isn't real. 

 

Sorry to see and hear you're going through this. It's tough but stay strong and do what you think is best for you and your kids. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

yes. Faking.

 

Or, at least, not participatig asside from attending servies once/week.

 

Some of us have learned from first-hand experience that NOT living a lie will result in such unrest on the home-front that the quality of life is significatly diminished. Sometimes its a harsh conversation. Sometiems its a failed attempt to convince the other of our position. Sometimes its the cold shoulder treatment. Sometimes its just an unspoken deep-rooted feeling and underlying tension in the air.

 

Any and all of those things are very real, very painful, and take their toll, both emotionally and physically, over time. Believe me!

 

So - coming out an agnostic/atheist or just a non-believer = classic approach/avoidance conflict?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me, it was the nuclear option to tell everyone how I felt. There was a lot of fallout by those who continue to believe but it was expected. I'm not a faker and I don't want fake friends. Religion is Tribalism.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cheers for the advice and support everyone. I don't think faking it anymore is an option for me. I feel physically sick at every meeting and every time my wife brings up God. I need to be able to be myself. I am currently reading the Bible from the start, reading it without Jesus tinted glasses. I cannot believe so many people, including people j love and have a lot of respect for, believe and choose to worship and follow a God who is murdering the entire population of humans and animals. Saving a couple of each. And then turn the page and the same God is condemning killing or shedding the blood of fellow man. It's interesting tho. My wife is stoked that I am spending time reading the bible. If only she knew what I thought of it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi ChilledMilk,

 

What if you were to start off by gently asking your wife about the parts of the bible that aren't exactly Christian-friendly? You don't have to live a lie, but you also don't have to start off with dropping a bomb by telling her "I'm an atheist."

 

You could start by asking her, "Hey my love, there's some things in the Bible I felt kind of weird while reading, and I wanted to see what you think of it." Then show her any of the not-often-talked-about stories that show Biblegod as a giant asshole: like having 42 bears eat the kids who mocked the prophet, or allowing the rape of Lot's daughters, or killing the innocent Egyptian first born kids, etc. Just present it as something like "You know, I really want to have full faith that God is good, but sometimes I feel tested when I read things like this." She can still think you're Christian at this point, but by doing this, you can start planting seeds of doubt.

 

Then, repeat this process maybe 1-2 times a week. In addition to questions about the odious parts of the bible, you can also show her science discoveries that disprove Bible claims. 

 

By doing it gradually like this, several things can happen. For one, you'll be able to help gage her reaction, to see whether she's kind about your issues with faith, or whether she blows a gasket and goes nutso on you. This will give you info to help you determine how to go forward. Also, you'll be able to introduce the idea of you being a nonbeliever slowly and gradually. She may figure it out on her own and be able to expect it and be prepared, since by that point she'll have suspected for a while. This will get rid of the "shock factor" so it won't be a huge blowup that effects the kids and everything (I grew up as a kid in a tense household between parents who fought a lot and gave each other the silent treatment, I spent time in therapy as an adult and it damaged my long-term relationship with both parents). Also, best-case scenario, in addition to minimizing the fallout, you may be able to get HER to have seeds of doubt too! And wouldn't that be awesome.

 

The "slow approach" can be the best approach, because you're being honest, but you're also doing it in a more strategical way to prevent an all-at-once explosion. In my experience, most of the fallout horror story reactions (screaming, flipping out, etc) come from shock, so if you can do it gradually, you'll minimize the shock and have a much easier time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to the site. The realization can be bittersweet, depending on the current situation. You're in the right place, we're always here for support.

 

 

 

Living a lie is an option. Many choose it.

 

I love this quote. May I steal it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But of course violet.  :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

Welcome Chilled! I'm glad you found us and have introduced yourself. Yeah, this is a great place to be. I love hanging out with my fellow apostates, folks who have walked the walk. I wish you the very best in your journey.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A wee update. I mentioned I was having some doubts and that I need to properly read the bible for myself to my wife. She was very supportive of that. (She thinks I'll have a deep faith after doing it). I'm at the start of Exodous. And don't like this God who, Hardens someone's(Pharoh's) heart. Tells them that he will kill their son for not doing what he asks. It doesn't seem like Pharoh had free will to let them go even if he would have wanted to. Makes it seem like God just wants to kill some kids.

 

The amount of times I have heard and read that story and not read it like that. I was blind.

 

But my wife was supportive of me and my doubts (actually complete non belief. But she doesn't know that )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Living a lie is an option. Many choose it.

 

So true. I did this for awhile when I deconverted but still had Christian roommates. My deconversion was extremely rapid. I went from full-fledged believer to apostate in a single week, so I wasn't quite sure what to do in my new situation. And being an open non-Christian while living with and around so many Christians was...shall we say, untenable. So I just continued living as a Christian for longer than I care to recall. Granted, my situation was quite a bit different than it is for Chilledmilk; after all a marriage is a bit more of a permanent arrangement than a rental agreement with roommates. Also no one in my family was Christian, so that helped my situation with respect to this one. Thus I don't blame him for wanting so badly to come out. Indeed, from others' comments on this forum it seems like it's generally best to live a lie when you are a younger person and financially dependent on your parents. That doesn't seem to at all resemble your situation, Chilledmilk.

 

Still, there are numerous ways to go about this, and I'd encourage you to do some thinking before settling on a specific approach. Once you declare your lack of faith it's difficult (though not impossible!) to turn back. A few weeks of introspection now can save you years of pain in the future.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cheers Bhim. I have lived the lie for years. Hoping and wanting God to be real. But I have to be honest with myself and eventually my friends and family soon that I just can't believe it or pretend too any more. I'm doing a lot of reading, logical felocy suggested a few good reads. And a lot of thinking. Thanks for all the support and advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yea. It's bloody aweful. I have been faking it for a couple of years. I'm too good at faking it tho. I have somehow ended up in the leadership meetings. I need out before I end up a preacher who doesn't believe lol

 

Here is what I find interesting. I bet all those christians probably think you're a holy spook imbued true believer. And they know it down to their soul, too, because the holy spook is probably telling them you are. 

 

Ha!

 

If I was an evil, conning asshole, I could make a damn good living ripping off churches. I used to want to, when I was still full of anger over the crap they pulled.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

@dangitbobby - probably has something to do with confirmation bias. They want to believe that Chilled (Or any 'member' of a church) is one of them and so blinds themselves to any possible sign that he actually might not be ne of them. He's there with them, but in body not in mind... wow that sounds spiritual biggrin.png

 

 

Hey Chilled, hope things are good mate. I was thinking during your bible readings with your wife, you could drop things like "Hmm I wonder why God would do that" in certain passages. Like Numbers "Kill the women and male children, but keep the girls alive for yourselves" verse. Ask "But why?' It might start a little conversation to start seed planting... for want of a better term. Hey Christians plant seeds, so can we.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

... And don't like this God who, Hardens someone's(Pharoh's) heart. Tells them that he will kill their son for not doing what he asks. It doesn't seem like Pharoh had free will to let them go even if he would have wanted to. Makes it seem like God just wants to kill some kids.

)

You're obviously not Calvinist! :) I used to believe that everything is predestined, including most folks choosing against God. We were the lucky few who were not born only to suffer and die eternally.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

@ Burny - that's what my church believes. I think that one of the response to be leaving could quite well be well you obviously were not predestined from before the foundation of the world.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hey everyone.

First off, I am so pleased this website exists. I have felt alone in this for a long time.

I am wanting to tell my story as I haven't told anyone yet,

I grew up in a Christian family, I have been "serving" in church since I was 12 years old. Starting in the worship team playing bass.

All through high school I couldn't be myself as I felt I had to be a good witness to others at school.

I met my now wife at church and was married just before I turned 21. I have had doubts the last few years. I'm now 27 have three awesome kids and don't believe God exists. My wife and I are currently running the kids church team and it kills me to pretend to believe when we are planning and worse, "teach" young kids things I don't believe. Aaaaand the pastors are my in laws.

I haven't told my wife but I know I have to soon as I can't continue to live a lie.

I don't think she will take it well when I do.

It feels good to write this down.

 

@Chilledmilk - I'm encouraged to hear that this site can be some comfort to you right now. I recently deconverted but fortunately had been out of church for a little while. I can't imagine how difficult it might be to be in a relationship where faith is an integral part and church involvement is important. 

 

A few months ago, I was a devout Christian dating a secular humanist/atheist. Now I'm an agnostic still dating the same person (thankfully). I actually almost ended our relationship months ago, however, because of my deep fear of my boyfriend going to hell. It made me lose sleep, and it gave me such anxiety I couldn't even eat. He worked hard to see us through that time, though, and supported me through everything despite my fears. I won't go into a lot of detail of how we reached where we are now, but I am thankful that he didn't let me end it just because of our faith differences and my anxiety. 

 

I hope the best for you in your relationship with your wife. I read other stories online of couples who had married in the faith and then later in time one of them de-converted. In some cases, it gets very difficult, but some manage to work through it. I saw some earlier comments suggesting adding questions you could ask your wife while reading the Bible. Honestly, when I was still a devout Christian, my boyfriend would gently ask me questions here and there to get me to think critically about Christianity. I had never met someone before who asked me the questions he had asked, like how I knew "god" was real, etc. Looking back now, I'm glad I had someone challenge me gently in my beliefs because eventually those questions helped me "wake up" in terms of my sense of logic and realize that I was only believing what I had been taught my whole life, but that I had never actually questioned it. 

 

There's no one right way or wrong way to handle this. It's good you did find an outlet -- sometimes if you bottle up something that deep, it might eventually come out at a not-so-good time or in a not-so-good way.

 

There are a lot of people on here to talk with about it and you can express yourself here openly and anonymously. That's one of the reasons I finally signed up -- I'm struggling meeting people like-minded and am trying to rebuild my identity. 

 

Sending positive vibes your way!

 

-AnonAgno94

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

...because of my deep fear of my boyfriend going to hell. It made me lose sleep, and it gave me such anxiety I couldn't even eat. He worked hard to see us through that time, though, and supported me through everything despite my fears. -AnonAgno94

This is common, very common... which to me highlights a fundamental flaw with religion. I personally know a person in our church who has had two full blown mental breakdowns because of thoughts of hell. The first was when as a late teen he thought of himself going to hell, the second many years later when his daughter left the church and he thought of her going to hell. In each case he became very depressed, stopped eating, couldn't sleep and had mental issues. None of this was caused by external factors - he brought on the mental condition just by thinking about hell and what it meant for him, and later on, what it meant for his daughter.

 

I am so glad that you had someone supportive to help you though this time. Once you realise that god, angels, heaven, satan and demons don't exist, you can then be certain hell doesn't exist.

 

Wish you both the best.

 

Logical

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've read more of this in the last two weeks than I have in 20 odd years as a Christian. Highlighting all the things that are either contridictions or I just find disgusting for a loving God to do to his creation.

I hope everyone's having a great Sunday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know I'm a little late to this party, but the predestination thing has always bothered me.  The churches I've attended/pastored in didn't believe in predestination.  But why do those who do believe in it think badly of someone who leaves the faith?  Seems like they should just be saying "Hey, it's God's will, who are we to judge?".  It's almost like they don't really believe it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've read more of this in the last two weeks than I have in 20 odd years as a Christian. Highlighting all the things that are either contridictions or I just find disgusting for a loving God to do to his creation.

I hope everyone's having a great Sunday.

I thought I posted a photo with this. It obviously didn't work. Imagine a bible with most of the paragraphs highlighted ????

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.