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How Do You Cope?


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What kind of coping skills for dealing with the stressors of life did you use as a Christian? How do they differ now?

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Christian: Meditation, exercise, praying

Now: Meditation, exercise

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As an Xian prayer was the solution to any & all problems. As a non- believer I've come to accept that shit happens. Now I look at the problem & explore rational solutions. And I've come to the realization that some problems just aren't fixable.

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Christian: Meditation, exercise, praying

Now: Meditation, exercise

 

You lost one. May I ask what need prayer addressed (perceived or legitimate)? And do you address that need now (and how)? Or maybe, it's no longer a need.

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As an Xian prayer was the solution to any & all problems. As a non- believer I've come to accept that shit happens. Now I look at the problem & explore rational solutions. And I've come to the realization that some problems just aren't fixable.

 

During my faith experience, prayer was my main coping strategy. Through much confirmation bias, I perceived it to be quite effective throughout that part of my journey. The practice was so ingrained I found myself tempted to return to it, even after deconversion. Like you, I now seek to problem-solve and, for the rest, accept what I have no control over. The process has been both disappointing and liberating. Disappointing in no longer believing there is a benevolent care-giver attentive to all my concerns. Liberating in that I take credit and responsibility (and a little self-respect) for my own actions; also that I am not responsible for all the world around me - feeling I must pray for every need I see, obligated to help in tangible ways. I can still offer support for others, but I do it on my terms and according to my own values now. Thanks for responding, Geezer.

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Booze and cynicism. Then again, I never was a devout believer of any kind.

 

I'd say LogicalFallacy is on a better track though.

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Christian: Meditation, exercise, praying

Now: Meditation, exercise

 

You lost one. May I ask what need prayer addressed (perceived or legitimate)? And do you address that need now (and how)? Or maybe, it's no longer a need.

 

I think when all else failed prayer was something I believed worked. However this I think created a psychological state which put my body in a state that allowed it to calm down. This effect was placebo, but coupled with the other two it worked.... but most of the calming effect could be scientifically traced to the first two coping methods.

 

Now, because I have studied stressors and what causes the body to react I know the science behind it better so knows that mediation and exercise works. This will put the mind and body in a similar relaxed state as prayer does, essentially doing away with the need for prayer.

 

Think of prayer as a pill - you don't know its not Panadol (Or whatever painkiller you use) but because you BELIEVE it is Panadol your mind and body react accordingly and reduce pain. But if you know that mediation (Or anything else) will work this will have the same placebo effect, and some very real and beneficial effects.

 

Hope I explained my thoughts there and didn't ramble too much.

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Actually makes a lot of sense. And I think you explained it perfectly. The placebo effect is a good way to describe it. When I'm dealing with something, what I do now is journal or sometimes even talk it out loud with myself. I find that I still come up with wisdom and I don't need to call it divine revelation.

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When I was a Christian I didn't pray much, mainly because I always found it to be useless, for two reasons:

 

1.  If God knows everything and can read my mind and knows my needs, why do I formally need to ask him to address the needs that he already knows I have?

2.  If I formally ask him to address my needs and he doesn't, then praying is really just a craps shoot and is really only good out of desperation as a very low probability solution of last resort.  Of course I now know there is zero probability because there's absolutely no causal relationship between praying and outcome.  I suppose for some people praying could be a form of meditation that might help, but not me.

 

Based on the above, I determined I had better results when instead of wasting time praying I would accept my situation for what it was, take matters into my own hands and take control of whatever situation was stressing me.

 

Not much has changed.  The best way to cope with life's stressors is to anticipate them, and take steps to mitigate or preemptively avoid them altogether.  Since obviously you can't prevent or avoid everything, when they do arise I take control of the situation and deal with it. 

 

 

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What kind of coping skills for dealing with the stressors of life did you use as a Christian? How do they differ now?

this is a bad coping skill sometimes but i usually detach myself emotionally and just go 1000 percent at whatever issue i got. Or i try to work oit some logic to things.
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One of the things that I have found the most difficult is the realization that either 1) shit happens or 2) I'm the one responsible to make whatever happen happen. Coming from a tradition of thinking 'oh, God will make everything all right in the end', I found it difficult not have omnipotent power to download my problems on and let them rest there- now that weight/anxiety rests on me. 

 

A little while ago I was going through something really, all-consumingly difficult that wasn't within my control to deal with at all (one of those shit happens situations). But I couldn't stop thinking about it and it made it difficult to do anything else. So I just made up my own god (a place I visualize in my head) and parked my problems there. For whatever reason, at the time, I pictured a panda.  So, in my head, my 'god' is a giant panda. When I'm feeling anxious or distracted about something beyond my control, I just imagine that the panda will deal with it and then I can think about other stuff. I know it's silly and I really only pull it out when I'm feeling particularly stressed, but it's something that has worked well for me. For the record, I don't pray, talk to or ask it for advice-- so don't expect an invitation to discuss the panda god someday smile.png

 

I know in the end that it's me and my consciousness, but it has given my brain a break when dealing with really difficult things/situations that I can't do anything about or don't have control over (ie. illness, layoffs, death, relationship issues). 

 

Thanks to everyone else for sharing their strategies... 

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Wings that reminds me - I have a similar strategy. I picture all my problems on a white floor. The floor runs to the edge of a bottomless drop off. I picture myself sweeping all my problems off the floor and over the drop-off with a broom. It actually works really well and helps you let go and get some perspective on problems.

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  • 5 weeks later...

As a christian I remember depending on emotional support mostly, from my christian community. I did look to family also, which offered sensible and intellectual challenge, always planting seeds of reason. Reality checks against my christian mania/insanity.

 

As an ex- it's been more about physiology, common sense, relationships and social skill, and openness to anyone's/everyone's beliefs without judgement. These things allow for growth, which is what we need to cope. Another thing, christianity destroyed my creative potential. After christianity, uninhibited creative exploration encouraged catharsis.

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As a Christian, my ways of coping were somewhat constructive from an outside view, but toxic, as we all know. I'd pray, cry out to god and beg him to help me... tell him to wreck my life just so I could be closer to him. That *seemed* to help. I also spent a lot of time talking to other Christians, and had "mentors." When I was being a bad Christian and SINNING, I would cope with alcohol and sex, but with a destructive mindset. Definitely not healthy.

 

Now, I have pretty damn good coping skills, thanks to a few therapists. Meditation, positive thinking exercises, stretching, cycling and hiking, reading, researching my feelings and sharing them with others... the trick is being able to do these things instead of using my old coping methods, or at least missing them. Sometimes I'll instinctively pray, and then face palm because IT DOESNT WORK, GODDAMNIT ABIJAH.

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