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Goodbye Jesus

Emotional Difficulty As A New Ex-C


AnonAgno94

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Hi everyone -

 

I'm new on here (AnonAgno94). I'm not sure if somebody already started a post like this, but I was curious: when you left Christianity, how was your healing/grieving process?

 

I'm curious because I lost religion only a few months ago, and I was extremely devout. I mean, I was the Christian young adult whom people looked up to and admired for their passion and courage. I would go to church every Sunday and break down and cry because Christianity was my one solace in my unstable life.

 

Now, since recently de-converting, there are times when I struggle with extreme anger, extreme sadness, confusion, deep fear of death, some depression and numbness, anxiety, and so on. Just last night I woke up in the middle of the night and broke down crying and freaking out for four hours over petty situations, mostly all stemming from my recent de-conversion. I've even had thoughts that question even my own existence as a human being and uncertainty about what my life's purpose is anymore. I haven't contemplated carrying out a suicidal attempt, but honestly at points I've really thought about it and understood why someone might consider it.

 

So I'm curious of others' experiences with extreme emotions and how they coped.

 

Thanks -

 

-AnonAgno94

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You story is similar to many of us who left Xianity. I was a Xian fundamentalist for 47 years. Leaving is hard but staying is even more difficult. Rejecting Xianity is a process not an event and this process takes time, a lot of time for most people. And by a lot of time I mean years not months or weeks.

 

I think education is an important part of the process. I also believe rejecting religion should be an intellectual decision not purely emotional. A lot of scholarly material that debunks religion is available. I believe anything written by Dr. Bart Ehrman would be a good place to start familiarizing youurself with the creation & evolution of the Bible & Xiamity. The research done by Ehrman & many other similar scholars confirm Xiaity is a man made religion & the Bible is a collection of fictional stories with fictional characters.

 

In this case Xian's are correct the truth will indeed set you free. I wish you well on your journey. This site is a good place to find support & healing. I hope you stick around.

 

And remember this journey is hard really hard & emotionally draining. Expect discouragement, rejection from family & friends is also likely, & get some professional help if the journey gets too difficult to handle on your own.

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Welcome, Anon. :)

 

 

There probably aren't that many emotional experiences that compare to the loss of part of one's sense of identity when they deconvert. It is sad to consider how deeply Christianity is impressed in a person's mind that it becomes the basis for their life. When you think about it, religious indoctrination is pure evil.

 

One consideration during deconversion is that Jesus is really all you and has always been you. Whatever thoughts that you attributed to Jesus were really yours. You've had some amazing thoughts and ideas that you didn't really give yourself credit for. When someone else had a 'word' from God it was really a piece of wisdom their own mind came up with. You can't really lose what was always you, but you can learn to start putting your name on it instead of Jesus' name. 

 

Another of point of loss may be the bible. It may go from being God's word to now just being words written by men. Maybe there is loss there too, I don't know. I was a Pentecostal and though there was a supposed emphasis on reading the bible, I didn't much. My belief was mostly tied up in the Jesus character I'd created in my head. (I was only a Christian for 10 years starting in my adult years) How to cope with this loss? Read other books of wisdom maybe? Or just live in the now. Live life. Grieve when you need to but also do something nice for yourself. Enjoy just being...without a focus on being something in particular.

 

The final point of loss I can think of that of the church community. You could cope by going to a U.U. church. Or joining some other type of organization. The more you are involved and thinking about some particular activity or cause the less time you have available to be depressed over deconversion.

 

Be good to yourself. Take care.

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     I did a shit job dealing with it.  Looking back I think I might treat it more like the sudden death of someone close to me.  It really is more like that.  A tragic loss.  There can be a lot of emotions that you have to deal with and it can take a lot of time.  It can vary by person just like anything but I think it's easier if you know there's going to be all this to deal with up front.  It makes it easier when you're drawn back in because who doesn't want to get back what they've lost?  Or if you try filling the "void" with other things?  It's the same thing.  You're just trying to get it all back.  Treating it like a death and being determined to move on like with a death should help give a little focus and direction as well.  There's no going back.  Only forward.

 

          mwc

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“There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide” Camus

Shedding my Christian beliefs was the most difficult transition that I had ever made.  Many of us share similar experiences.  Stick around, and take a look at the testimonies board.  It's much like the death of a spouse.  It takes time, but it gets better.

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And, in addition to the great advice here, there are at least 3 of us at around the same stage (That I know of). You, myself, and Chilledmilk

 

So we can help each other along, though our experiences may be different. For me because in reality my de-conversion has probably been happening for several years, once I realized i didn't actually believe any of it 5 odd months ago, it was more like a bucket of cold water being thrown on me. A shock for a short while, anxiety for several weeks, then acceptance of me choosing a new path.

 

I think if I had only started questioning 5 months ago and left then the resulting mental dissonance would have been much worse.

 

Either that or I'm currently in denial and don't know it.

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Be good to yourself. Take care.

 

@midniterider - I really appreciate your suggestions, and I also like what you said about the "Jesus" wisdom. I'm currently trying to listen to my intuition knowing it's just me now and not God. Thank you for the kind words and understanding.

 

You story is similar to many of us who left Xianity. I was a Xian fundamentalist for 47 years. Leaving is hard but staying is even more difficult. Rejecting Xianity is a process not an event and this process takes time, a lot of time for most people. And by a lot of time I mean years not months or weeks.

 

.....

 

In this case Xian's are correct the truth will indeed set you free. I wish you well on your journey. This site is a good place to find support & healing. I hope you stick around.

 

@geezer --- WOW 47 years! I must read about your story if you have shared so on here! I intend to stick around. Thank you for the direction and understanding. smile.png

 

... There's no going back.  Only forward.

 

          mwc

 

@mwc - Death/grieving the loss of a loved one has been how I can best describe what I feel at times lately. I also consider what you said about "drawn back in." At times I wish I could just get swayed back in, that "god" IS real and it's a dream. After all, I'm not necessarily keen on the idea of simply not existing when I die. But the reality is I would rather struggle in truth than live easy in ignorance because to me, I feel religion is the easy way out of living life.

 

“There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide” Camus

 

Shedding my Christian beliefs was the most difficult transition that I had ever made.  Many of us share similar experiences.  Stick around, and take a look at the testimonies board.  It's much like the death of a spouse.  It takes time, but it gets better.

 

 

@TrueFreedom - I like that quote. I'm going to be reading through more of those testimonies. smile.png I appreciate the encouragement.

 

And, in addition to the great advice here, there are at least 3 of us at around the same stage (That I know of). You, myself, and Chilledmilk

 

...

 

-@Logicalfallacy -

 

Yes it would be good for us to offer support for one another during this period. I too feel like my deconversion possibly started last January 2015 once I stopped going to church because of a lack of support in dealing with my anxiety/depression. It just took over a year and meeting an intelligent, well-rounded secular humanist to snap me fully out of it. Though in late April of this year the deconversion fully started to occur.

 

You're not alone.

 

-AnonAgno94

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For me, at first it was like losing my bestest friend who I'd thought would be the one thing in my life I wouldn't lose.

Then it was like discovering he may have never been there at all.

 

It was devastating because I'd made so many choices based on "guidance" and screwed up my life. I was suicidal until I accepted medication and started to pick up the pieces. I had no idea who to talk to because people seemed either really satisfied with their religion, or life-long agnostics or lukewarm church-goers, unaware of what it can do to a person.

 

As for how I coped, I came to this site when I just had figured out I had become agnostic (a year after my initial shock, a half a year on meds), and got so much support here long before I was able to talk to anyone else.

 

That and I studied lots of university level maths, and from there got the experience of being able to cope AND actually succeed at something difficult on my own.

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Anon,

 

How to cope seems to me to be the most often asked question on this site.

 

First - understand that you are not alone. Almost everyone here either has been where you are, or are going through it now. I know this is an applied pshychology cliche' - but it's true. Somehow there is comfort in knowing others are with you.

 

Second - it get's better. It really does. Investigation and learning are really good. However, when you are depressed, you have to let go of the philosophical/theological questions for a while. Ignore thoughts of religion by watching a comedy on TV, going to a movie, playing a musical instrument, reading an interesting book that has nothing to do with the aforementioned topics. You can always reconvene your philosophy when you feel better.

 

Reach out to us when you need to.

We're here for 'ya!!!!

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Welcome! Add to the mix that church is notoriously bad at dealing with actual emotional/mental issues like chemical imbalances. They just want to pray and have everything be fixed, and if you aren't fixed then they blame you for wanting sin etc.

 

In my first church, the pastor's wife clearly had a mental break and needed some meds and professional help. She got that on the side, but still claimed it was the devil and Jesus. My best buddy had a mental break from all of the pressure his charismatic church put on him, got committed for a while and didn't go back to that pressure cooker. Quite a few folks on this forum deal with anxiety and depression, some are bipolar, many have to overcome decades of indoctrination about spirits and hell, none of which was ever real.

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@yunea - I can relate with what you said about making choices based on "god" and then realizing they might not have been the best for you. I'm glad to hear of the progress you've made and where you are now. :) 

@moho - Thank you for the encouragement 

 

@fuego - love the name! :P Thank you for the response. I know my pastors had pushed Bible studies on me more than actual counseling when my anxiety/depression really flared up last January. And of course, that was when I learned that a lot of Christians say that anxious Christians just aren't trusting "god" enough, which only worsened my anxiety at the time. It was a very difficult period for me. 

 

Overall, I'm doing better this week. Last Thursday evening I had a really difficult breakdown that lasted through the night and into Friday morning. I went to a painting class on Friday evening, though, and started tapping into my creative side this past weekend with regards to painting, and that's been therapeutic for me as of late. I'm also trying to get back into writing music and pouring out my struggles into that. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

My deconversion process was fairly quick, but I wasn't involved with the churches for any major length of time. In that respect, I came off no worse for the wear, and I recognize that I lucked out there. The last one I visited during my rodeo with religion was 2 years, and that one proved to be damaging in more ways than I thought when I walked out those doors for the last time. Everyone's deconversion process looks different, and yours may end up taking longer than other people's. I think the amount of time it takes and the intensity of it is largely dependent on how long you were involved with the church, how deep your involvement was in terms of any clubs they had or any of their events you were a part of, and also whether or not it was a primary part of your life. 

 

Leaving behind what ultimately proved to be a toxic belief system for you will take time in any case, and it's a pretty big upheaval when you think about it. This is why I would encourage you to practice some form of self-care, even if it's just having a glass of water today. It still counts, and it will add up later on down the road, and if it comes to it, a therapist who's in the know about what leaving a religion behind involves could be a source of support for you. However long it takes to grieve this, that's how long it takes, and remember that when all is said and done, you're gonna make it through this. 

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Hi everyone -

 

I'm new on here (AnonAgno94). I'm not sure if somebody already started a post like this, but I was curious: when you left Christianity, how was your healing/grieving process?

 

I'm curious because I lost religion only a few months ago, and I was extremely devout. I mean, I was the Christian young adult whom people looked up to and admired for their passion and courage. I would go to church every Sunday and break down and cry because Christianity was my one solace in my unstable life.

 

Now, since recently de-converting, there are times when I struggle with extreme anger, extreme sadness, confusion, deep fear of death, some depression and numbness, anxiety, and so on. Just last night I woke up in the middle of the night and broke down crying and freaking out for four hours over petty situations, mostly all stemming from my recent de-conversion. I've even had thoughts that question even my own existence as a human being and uncertainty about what my life's purpose is anymore. I haven't contemplated carrying out a suicidal attempt, but honestly at points I've really thought about it and understood why someone might consider it.

 

So I'm curious of others' experiences with extreme emotions and how they coped.

 

Thanks -

 

-AnonAgno94

 

Welcome  to Ex-c AnonAgno94. Please know that you are not alone. Took me 5 years to fully deconvert and I couldn't have done it without the help of the wonderful people on Ex-c who helped me during the most difficult times with letting go. It's a bit of a bumpy ride but you are going to find a freedom in this that the believers of faith will never understand. Hang in there hon and read, read, read and post all your worries and concerns. Someone is always here to help you. You're goin got be OK.

 

((hug))

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I'm a spiritualist/agnostic/believe-what-I-want-because-the-stories-are-fun (Christ-inanity excluded with extreme prejudice) kind of person. Used to be a pastor and evangelist. Started deconverting from generic Christ-inanity years ago, then went on to try and discover the "REAL TRUTH" - that's a story for another post, because the process nearly destroyed my marriage several times, then nearly drove me to consider suicide.

 

I stopped going to church altogether in August. Wife and children still attend. I went through a very angry phase where I was pissed that the oblivious dopes around me hadn't noticed that I had stopped coming around - or they noticed and still weren't coming after me. I wanted them to have integrity with their beliefs, which i now see they really don't.

 

Anyway, feel free to ask me questions in threads or message me privately if you want to talk about your feelings during deconversion. I am well-versed in apologetics and I know the bible well, so when you inevitably start to get confused about whether or not these ideas will have any real traction in your life, you can come to me and I can reassure you that it's all hogwash.

 

I am a student of the actual history of the world as it relates to the formation and propagation of the Christard religion. It's relatively easy to show that there's no way the spiritual claims of the bible could be universally true (assuming spiritual things are even real), because there has never been an unbroken span of time where the things Christians claim have been taught as true for anyone, let alone everyone globally.

 

My last piece of advice in this post is this: There are SEVEN-PLUS BILLION PEOPLE on Earth, and hundreds of cultures and languages you've never experienced, thousands of foods you've never tasted and all kinds of music, art, sex, literature, comedy, theater, circus, geography and more that you've never even imagined, let alone seen or tried.

 

Don't let the failures of one bunch of ancient tribal myths make you despair of your place in the world and all it has to offer, right now, just as it is, without any more giant cosmic meaning than it already has.

 

Go look. Go taste. Go listen. Go read. Get on a bus or a train or a plane, having chosen a destination at random. Immerse yourself in a place you've never been, whether literally/physically or though books and films and the net.

 

Whatever you do, forget the idea that an imaginary deity sent its human offspring (somehow magically itself and two other beings) into the world to demand your obedience and shower you with its love in a fiery torment forever. The good guys always go UP to the good place and the bad guys always go DOWN to the bad place - sure they do; that's how every fairy-tale and hero myth works.

 

Stay strong. You are connected to the energies and elements of the Earth that brought you to be in the first place - you have all the meaning you need in every one of your breaths.

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Hey Anon, welcome. There have been hundreds of post like yours, and we invite them always. People need support at this time.

 

I do not undermine your distress in any way when I say, welcome to real life, real emotions, real questions. You've been denied these and now they've kind of blown like a tight lid off of a boiling pan of water.

It gets better, as others have said. You won't stop asking questions which is what you want, to always ask questions, the big questions.

If you start fearing hell, let us know. That's another common experience for new de-converts and it literally overwhelms some.

 

My experience had me where you are for maybe a year, then after that it was serious soul searching for many years. Other people get through your stage a lot faster, as you probably will. I didn't have Internet or any support at all when I went through it. You have the advantage of having us.

 

It doesn't seem like it, and it sucks, but you're doing great.

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L.B.

 

That response to Anon was from the heart, from the mind ( of someone with experience and knowlege) and extremely usefull.

 

I am past the stage that Anon is in but still found your words enouraging and uplifting.

 

Anon: We've all been were you are. It gets better once you break the shackles of indoctirnation. I know it does not seem like it now but your feelings are, very much, the result of this programming. Your mind can be prgrammed just like a computer. OK. Not JUST like a computer. But very similar.

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