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Goodbye Jesus

Who Am I?


Brother Jeff

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Who Am I?

 

When I'm stable and feeling good, I hope to be the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. I love to do nice things for others, and I love to make other people happy.

 

When I'm depressed, most of the time I want to be alone, and I'm moody and not very pleasant to be around.

 

When I'm hypomanic or manic, my spiritual side comes out, and I start thinking about and posting about my ideas about God and meditation. I might start a Page or make a lot of public posts containing what I think are really positive thoughts. And I want to spread the joy I am feeling and give the whole world a hug. But once the mania dies down, that all goes away, as do the positive posts...

 

When I'm manic, I like to think that I am or could be the life of the party. I am very outgoing and enthusiastic and fun-loving, and I tend to spend money like there is no tomorrow...

 

But when I am in an agitated manic state, I tend to be the world's worst raging asshole. Just weeks ago, while I was still in Alaska, I made quite a scene at the Dimond Mall screaming at my credit card company. I was screaming profanity at the top of my lungs, and I *should* have been escorted out of the mall. I wasn't, but I should have been. And I followed that scene up with a very nasty, profanity-filled letter to my credit card company... For many years, I have yelled and raged at people who pissed me off, and it's been about 15 years ago, but I once threw a chair through a wall in a fit of bipolar rage... when that anger and rage gets loose, it is a 100-ton raging grizzly bear that could easily rip a T. Rex dinosaur to shreds...

 

We are all human and we all have sides of ourselves that we don't like to make public, but my Dark Side seems really dark! And yet, even with all of that bipolar-induced anger and rage, I could never raise a finger to actually hurt another living thing... even when I am ill, I am basically a good person...

 

But with all of these mood changes and changing interests that go with it all, I sometimes wonder, "Who is the real ME?" I'd like to think it's the really nice guy who comes out when my mental health is good and I am feeling stable... :)

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Ever read madness by marya hornbacher?

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Ever read madness by marya hornbacher?

Jesus... Sure you don't wanna pack your dick into his ass as you make another suggestion?

 

 

Anyway -- Jeff, I can barely bring myself to empathize with you on this one. I guess part of the reason is that, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around what having this condition(s) is like.

 

A lot of what you describe sounds exactly like my wife's daughter's behavior and not knowing about what to expect and how to deal with someone that acts like this has caused me to drive a wedge between she and I.

 

For example -- I will not put myself into a position that causes me to be around her. And I will not allow her into my own personal dwelling space. In my mind, she is a terrible person who tore apart a family and caused my wife to lose custody of her son and lose her house and I won't let her cause us anymore loss. She also has addiction issues and I would bet my life savings that if properly diagnosed, she would also be found to have traits of heavy narcissistic personality disorder.

 

She never showed any signs of being sorry for the destruction she caused.

 

Are you like that? Are you even remotely (and sincerely) apologetic to those you've hurt while going through your spells?

 

I don't know... I guess I'm partially trying to diagnose my stepdaughter by comparing her to you. I don't know... I just recently found out that she'll be around at xmas time this year, and there's a good (or bad) chance that I'll see her. I have a tremendous amount of disdain and dislike for her, and I just don't want to anymore. But past experience shows that if I widen my boundaries, she'll shit all over us the first chance she gets.

 

Like I said, I just don't know...

 

I feel sympathy for you. I really don't for her, and she's my wife's daughter. But I know the dislike I have for her is troublesome for my wife even though she (my wife) understands why I feel the way I do.

 

I don't know...

 

 

You're asking, "Who am I?"

 

To me, you're just Brother Jeff. The rollercoaster riding Jeff I've known (well, kinda) for years.

 

She, however, feels like an enemy.

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Fwee, yes, I am always sorry when my behavior when I'm ill causes problems. I'm sorry your wife's daughter is the way she is, but I hope I am nothing like her...

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Who Am I?

 

When I'm stable and feeling good, I hope to be the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. I love to do nice things for others, and I love to make other people happy.

 

When I'm depressed, most of the time I want to be alone, and I'm moody and not very pleasant to be around.

 

When I'm hypomanic or manic, my spiritual side comes out, and I start thinking about and posting about my ideas about God and meditation. I might start a Page or make a lot of public posts containing what I think are really positive thoughts. And I want to spread the joy I am feeling and give the whole world a hug. But once the mania dies down, that all goes away, as do the positive posts...

 

When I'm manic, I like to think that I am or could be the life of the party. I am very outgoing and enthusiastic and fun-loving, and I tend to spend money like there is no tomorrow...

 

But when I am in an agitated manic state, I tend to be the world's worst raging asshole. Just weeks ago, while I was still in Alaska, I made quite a scene at the Dimond Mall screaming at my credit card company. I was screaming profanity at the top of my lungs, and I *should* have been escorted out of the mall. I wasn't, but I should have been. And I followed that scene up with a very nasty, profanity-filled letter to my credit card company... For many years, I have yelled and raged at people who pissed me off, and it's been about 15 years ago, but I once threw a chair through a wall in a fit of bipolar rage... when that anger and rage gets loose, it is a 100-ton raging grizzly bear that could easily rip a T. Rex dinosaur to shreds...

 

We are all human and we all have sides of ourselves that we don't like to make public, but my Dark Side seems really dark! And yet, even with all of that bipolar-induced anger and rage, I could never raise a finger to actually hurt another living thing... even when I am ill, I am basically a good person...

 

But with all of these mood changes and changing interests that go with it all, I sometimes wonder, "Who is the real ME?" I'd like to think it's the really nice guy who comes out when my mental health is good and I am feeling stable... :)

Brother Jeff, I believe you are a good person, who truly cares about the world. You love to make people laugh. You're kind. You're considerate.

 

You are who you want to be. That's all we can focus on. Getting to where we want to be, and believing the best about ourselves, that we are striving toward our goal with progress. The nice thing about expectations is you can change them :)

 

Though I do not have bi-polar, I am also mentally ill (C-PTSD).

 

Most of the time, I am my fun-loving, selfless, compassionate, independent self (took me a long while to realize this is the true me!).

 

Sometimes I'm an angry, stubborn child and I throw tantrums and curl up in a ball because my mind takes me back to being 7 years old.

 

Sometimes I'm a bitchy, cold hearted woman in her 30s because I was forced to grow up too fast.

 

Sometimes I'm a sixteen year old girl who has self esteem problems and only wants to lay in bed all day.

 

Sometimes I'm a violent ten year old that wants to murder and destroy and get revenge.

 

We are who we are. These are parts of us. But its up to us to decide which one truly represents who we are inside, and who we want to be.

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Also, I've totally screamed and yelled in a public setting before. I've also been arrested for punching a cop in the face because he was talking down to me. I also had a knife with me, which I hid from him. I thought he was going to rape me. But he didnt. I just ended up snot dripping down my face and raw wrists from trying to pry the handcuffs off in the car.

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Ever read madness by marya hornbacher?

Jesus... Sure you don't wanna pack your dick into his ass as you make another suggestion?

sorry to offend ya or jeff i figured speculating as to what he is going through and offering possibly unhelpful platitudes was less helpful then reading a book by someone who has the illness he has and spent alot of time on the question he raises in that book. I feel for jeff i really do, i just dont have the words to be helpful here and thought that someone else words might be more helpfull. Guess not. My apologies, again.
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You suffer a more extreme form of what is in all of us, I suspect.  And, in the end, the answer remains the same.

 

You are the union of all your parts.  The dark side and the light side of your personality.  You are the consciousness that struggles, and sometimes gets overwhelmed in the struggle, to maintain a balance and act according to your appreciation of what is right and proper.

 

Above all, you are yourself.

 

And that is all that any of us can be.

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