On Depression, Coming Out, Or As A Christian

[Voice]

I've been reading testimonials and a common theme (as it was for me toward the end) is depression.

Granted, I already had, from age 7, the chemical disposition for depression. It started when my dad dumped my mom, and us.

I wasn't raised in a staunch christian environment, rather a lax one where we weren't supposed to swear and my parents hardly ever attended church themselves. I was baptized in an awesome, stained glassed and concrete pool in a Baptist church of my childhood by my grandpa, a Baptist minister, without really knowing or caring what any of it meant. I was "confirmed" at age 16 or so in a UCC church against my protests which made my mom cry.

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. As an ex- of 28 years, bipolar disorder has been consistent, and embarrassing. Christianity, ex-christianity, non-christianity, loss of way too many jobs, I have to deal with it.

I drew a chart a few years ago of manic and depressive states over my 50 year lifespan, and as a christian, mania spiked off the chart. Depression followed, while still a christian.

For me depression is triggered by specific things. Money, relationships, family bullshit, and it was by christianity and coming out.

 

Just noticed it as a trend, a christian/post-christian trigger. It was for me.

 

Elaborate.

[ConsiderTheSource]

No depression for me. Anxiety, yes, which for me (others not) completely disappeared once if fully understood that god is imaginary.

 

I had a bout of depression in my mid 20s. Depression often is a very hard nut to crack.

[Mike D]

I have been diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder), which i've had pretty much my entire adult life both as a Christian and after I left.

 

I don't really have specific triggers that cause my depression, it is more of a general feeling towards life/reality which is biased towards the negative. 

 

I don't find much of anything redeeming in life, it all pretty much boils down to running on an exercise wheel of futility and absurdity until we are snuffed out and it ends.

 

Oddly, I felt that way as a Christian too.  God might have had a purpose for my life, but from my perspective as his "creation" it was still pointless and absurd.  What was I, a muppet or something?

 

Having said that, I decided about the time that I was in high school that I was going to live my life in such a way that if someone was to write a book about it the reader would not be able to put it down.   Which I have.  So all things considered if I die tomorrow I can say i've had a great life.  Glad I made the best of it while I had the chance.

 

C'est la vie.

[LogicalFallacy]

Slightly off topic, but if one considers all the info available, and assumes God is real, then we are nothing more than lab rats in a gigantic experimentation of his.

 

That aside, I had depression/anxiety for a period of around 6 months when I was 18-20ish. This was triggered and fuelled by a combination of health worries and spiritual worries. I recovered and was fine for 8-10 years.

 

About 4 years ago I started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. These were brought on, I believe, by a stressed state due to circumstances that reached a boil point when some ex long time friends left the church and turned very, very nasty. Lot's of shit was flying around and extreme worry was a constant companion which I didn't handle correctly. It's took 3 odd years to really get back to some sort of 'normal' calm level. Church made it much worse. I was basically having minor anxiety attacks in a place I should have felt safe in. The church is pretty much hellfire, brimstone and gods judgement and those are bad topics for a mind crippled by anxiety - as some here will know.

 

Today I feel much better. I still get anxious and the odd panic attack but I know how to deal with it and the realisation that there is no god to judge me or hell to go to removes one trigger.

[yunea]

I tried to treat my depression with religion. My inability to do things was God weeding out what I didn't need, it hurt because I was a human who loves her own ideas instead of godly ones, etc.

 

It didn't work at all. Science has, and also learning that I actually do fine without fearfully asking a sky friend to guide my every little step.

[bruisermel]

I don't think it's surprising at all that mood disorders are exacerbated by coming out of christianity. 

 

Christianity teaches you you are nothing without christ. It teaches you there is something inherently wrong with you and the only way to have a chance of being whole is to accept the tenants of christianity. These are erroneous world views/views of self/thought processes that contribute to low self esteem and often lead to depression/anxiety.

 

Praying/going to church/signing praise music were coping mechanisms I used to deal with feelings of low self worth (though at the time I don't think I was able to verbalize I had low self esteem--I think I just thought I was feeling bad b/c I thought I was a bad christian/not close enough to god). I'd come out of a praise session feeling like I was okay and valuable again, and would rely on my weekly hit of this to keep my mood up.

 

Out of christianity I've had to learn new coping skills for when my thoughts of self hatred and feeling like a failure creep up. It's been and still is super hard at times, but much more rewarding ultimately fumbling through it myself, really learning me, my tendencies, my strengths and weaknesses and working with them.

 

But then again I THINK my tendencies toward anxiety and depressive feelings stem more from an error in thought processes than a neurochemical cause (and I know this isn't the case for everyone) since the times I've identified the thinking error(s) I'm feeding into during times of depressive or anxious feelings I've often been able to challenge that thought(s) and fight through it and resolve the anxious or depressive feelings (can take days, weeks or even months during the really rough times....)

 

And on another note I don't think it's abnormal to feel depressed at times at the ultimate pointlessness of life (meaning no inherent prescribed purpose)...but clearly life is more enjoyable  (at least for me!)  if I don't dwell on that.  

[Voice]

It wasn't coming out of christianity that triggered depression for me. To the contrary. In one week I knew I wasn't officially a christian any more, and that week I became empowered. Depression lifted and didn't come again until quite a few years later, triggered by malnutrition, money, other crap, relationships. It was as a christian, and at the end of being a christian, trying to believe, knowing it wasn't right, still believing, trying harder and harder to achieve something that could never be achieved, doing things so frighteningly embarrassing and stupid in the name of the lord. This made me depressed.

[MOHO]

Voice,

 

Don't be embarrassed by your actions and behavior when under the incluence of indocttrination. It's very powerful and you cannot possibly be 100% culpable for what you think and what you do.

 

Take light and find self-esteem in the fact that you investigated and found your way out when most don't. This is commendable!

[Autumn2909]

The more depressed I was, the more desperately I chased God and craved to have the perfect faith.... Now I'm not religious, I struggle with depression still, but I don't live under the cloud of religiosity and fear of hell, feeling worthless because of my sinful nature etc etc.

[Hermione]

For years  I was struggling with depression (not knowing that's what it was) and when I was in a major depressive episode, that would always have negative effects on my faith. I desperately tried to keep the faith, to trust God, and he would eventually get me out of that misery. Well, he didn't. I was finally diagnosed with recurrent depressive disorder in 2010. Since then, I have taken antidepressants which really help and I also had a behavioral therapy because aside from the neurochemical imbalance in my brain, I also tend to have wrong thought patterns that lead me to a very pessimistic outlook on the world in general and my life in particular.

 

 

Faith or the lack thereof has not been the trigger of any of my depressive episodes so far. It was usually something personal (suicide of a classmate, mobbing at work…) that would start it. A big problem was that I did not have any coping mechanism. I prayed, of course, but I didn't really know how to deal with difficult emotions (still don't). Now, I can see the danger signs and know where to get help. Also, I have learned to look after myself. I grew up learning to always put others first and I did that until it almost destroyed me.

 

 

I haven't made my final decision about faith yet - maybe because I am afraid that openly and finally admitting my unbelief will have a very negative influence on my psyche. Not so much because the people around me will react badly, but because I will lose so much that I don't yet know how to make up for.