Religious Trauma Syndrome And Anxiety

[Diddlyboop]

Gosh, um... so I don't really know where to begin with this. I suppose I just wanted to vent because these past few months have been absolutely miserable and exhausting for me.

 

My family has a history of anxiety and depression and various other mental disorders -- thankfully, I only picked up the anxiety and depression but... well of course even that's not really good. They picked up in intensity when I got older, but I do believe it's safe to say that RTS and my already previously existing mental issues are going hand in hand right now. Ever since I began to leave the fold, my entire life has just been ruined by fear and paranoia and sadness and just... utter hell for me.

 

I know it's supposed to get better with time, and it does feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one that's made this groundbreaking yet, in mine and many cases, traumatic decision. But that's the thing, it's exactly that to me, my decision and the religion I was indoctrinated into in general. Traumatic.

 

My first few months of coming to terms with this, I literally worried myself physically sick by developing an anxiety-caused eating disorder. I stopped eating. It took a toll on my health and I'm still recovering from that now, but thankfully, I'm back on track with my meals.

 

It's the mental hurdles I can't seem to get past. I'm going to see a therapist, I already have medication, but that alone can't get rid of it because my past is still there. My residual fears are still there. Christians are all around me, my own family claiming to respect my decision and then proceeding to point out "evidence" of their faith to me.

 

And I know it's important to be rational. I know this is pathetic of me. I completely and utterly hate myself for it. But my anxiety spikes every time I even see a hint of religiously inclined things now and sometimes I'll say I'm over these petty fears and then it'll come right back, worse than before!

 

My mind tends to hyper-focus on things now. I don't know why, as I certainly don't enjoy feeling terrified all the time, but when religious arguments come up all I can think of is the worst, and the worst, and the worst -- my head reminds me of it all day. Constantly. Repeatedly echoing the current thing that has me miserable.

 

I'm sorry... I know there probably isn't a real 100% solution to this, I just had to vent. I had to get it out there. I feel worse than I ever have in my whole life, and damn it, sometimes I wish more than anything Christianity and religions like it that do this to people didn't exist.

[LogicalFallacy]

Hi Diddlyboop

 

I have had some experience with depression and anxiety so hopefully some of what I say will help.

 

Fear of leaving and the repercussions etc is normal for a lot of de-converts, but is certainly worse or amplified for those with anxiety disorder. The first thing, if you haven't already, is to read up on anxiety disorder, and why it happens. In some circles it is believed that anxiety is not purely mental, but biological as well, and thus if you can learn to control your reaction to triggers you can control the biological response. I know this works, because of all the treatments I tried learning to deal with the fear itself worked best. That was for me, everyone is different, but learn about anxiety since it's likely it will always have the potential to reoccur, even if you manage to fully control it.  Note when I say control, its not like you control your car kind of control, but more a dealing with it in the best and most positive way.

 

Regarding better with time, yes it will, unless you keep feeding the anxiety, in which case you end up in a cycle of fear, anxiety, fear.

 

I think a good step to work on is to figure out what your fears are, then either, accept them if you can, or get away from them, or deal with them.

 

Regarding "I know this is pathetic of me. I completely and utterly hate myself for it." Seriously, if you don't take anything else I say, take this: Do not think yourself pathetic, do not hate yourself. Anxiety is a monster that dwells within a person, and when it strikes it is, as you well know, utterly devastating. I have had people say to me "You are stronger than this, pull your socks up" This is detrimental, as is negative thoughts about yourself. So 1) Ignore, as best you can, any negative comments towards you, and 2) learn to think positively about yourself and realize that anxiety is not your fault, you are not weak, and that you can beat it.

 

Your mind will focus because that's what anxiety does - you get stuck in a rut and it takes a lot of mental practice to pull you out. Learn to meditate, and learn to 'watch' thoughts without engaging with them. As soon as a thought pops in your mind, and you engage with it it becomes harder to let it go.

 

Maybe there isn't a 100% solution, but I believe there is a way to become 100% confident in yourself, and your ability to handle your fears through life.

 

Hope this helps, and best of luck!

 

LF

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hey, just to build on what LF said:

 

some of my former students who struggled with anxiety said that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped them.

 

If someone has a bad knee injury, no one says, You're weak, just get up the gumption and run the way you did before! But injuries to the mind - I don't know how better to phrase it - are not so easily visible, so the "pull up your socks and don't be weak" voices don't realize how they are similar to telling a person with a leg injury just to run as if nothing has happened.

 

So, you're not weak. You're seeking healing now. And you'll find better ways as you go along.

 

Hugs, f

 

(more later)

[LogicalFallacy]

That's what it was! Thanks ficino - I was trying to think of the particular process I used - it was CBT... or some version of it. Well worth looking into.