Crippling Anxiety In Church?

[nutrichuckles93]

I know many people in this forum no longer attend church, but I still do, mostly because my wife still believes.

 

Has anyone ever felt choking anxiety being in a church environment? I don't have anxiety disorder or experience anxiety in normal situations, but I had quite a sensation at church this morning. One of the pastors of a "sister church" (the one who did my wedding) was at my church today, and I felt a complete fear at the sight of him. Fear that he'd force me into a "hey, brother" conversation. I walked through the pews to my seat while barely behind him and felt my throat closing because I didn't know what I'd say other than flaming expletives or just a complete "yes, sir" shutdown if he started talking to me. I'd actually like to shout flaming expletives at him, but where would that get me? Only put into more conversations with pastors that I don't wish to have.

 

Anyone else experience this? Feeling like you're going to suffocate at the thought of explaining your unbelief to a pastor, or even just another believer?

[nutrichuckles93]

That very much does reflect my experience. My so called friends always talking to me in an accusing voice, as if they can't wait for me to say something ungodly. And yes, I've very much experienced private conversations being relayed to pastors for them to confront me about. It makes my blood boil whenever I see their faces anymore.

[Positivist]

On 2017-03-12 at 6:08 PM, nutrichuckles93 said:

Has anyone ever felt choking anxiety being in a church environment? I

.....I felt a complete fear at the sight of him. Fear that he'd force me into a "hey, brother" conversation. I walked through the pews to my seat while barely behind him and felt my throat closing because I didn't know what I'd say other than flaming expletives or just a complete "yes, sir" shutdown if he started talking to me...

I can relate. Not only have I broken up with my boyfriend Jesus, but my husband and I are divorcing. So if I go to church to see the nieces and nephews perform, I'm likely to run into parishioners who want to have a "god chat" with me, or into the ex-parent-in-laws who judge me and want to "counsel" me. At the last concert I went to, I hid behind a Christmas tree to avoid being seen.

 

I am trying to pre-contemplate the ambushes and weird conversations that await. Pre-contemplating what I will say or do really helps my anxiety.

 

 

[MOHO]

10 hours ago, Positivist said:

I can relate. Not only have I broken up with my boyfriend Jesus, but my husband and I are divorcing. So if I go to church to see the nieces and nephews perform, I'm likely to run into parishioners who want to have a "god chat" with me, or into the ex-parent-in-laws who judge me and want to "counsel" me. At the last concert I went to, I hid behind a Christmas tree to avoid being seen.

 

I am trying to pre-contemplate the ambushes and weird conversations that await. Pre-contemplating what I will say or do really helps my anxiety.

 

 

 

Posi,

I spend a good chunk of the day "pre-comtemplating".

 

It's a cry'n shame that funny mentalist fams have prompted this behavior in us. I should be spending that time cutt'n code or whaling on my Gibby! (Playing my Gibson Guitar - felt it necessary to clarify here.)

[Positivist]

11 hours ago, MOHO said:

It's a cry'n shame that funny mentalist fams have prompted this behavior in us. I should be spending that time cutt'n code or whaling on my Gibby! (Playing my Gibson Guitar - felt it necessary to clarify here.)

So true! 

[Geezer]

My wife is still a believer but I was able to convince her to get away from fundamentalism. She placed membership with a large Methodist Church near us. She has become a very active member. I occasionlly attend church with her. No anxiety when I attend just bored out of my mind. Sunday school is the worst part of the ordeal. 

[MOHO]

8 hours ago, Burnedout said:

Ever consider taking a smart-assed attitude with you.?  If they want to try to corner you.   Make a smart-assed statement, something like,  "Did you not get your mother hen quotient in for the day?  You are in some real urgency".  What I have found is that the people in life who think they are your authority only have power over you if you let them.   If they think they want to ambush you,  suddenly feel the sudden need to go to the restroom.  Just tell them,  "that is nice,  but I really have to go use the restroom".  They will usually clear away for you then. 

 

Truer and more helpful words were never spoken, BO!

Thanx,

    - MOHO

[florduh]

Damn, people. You really don't have to go to relatives' churches. You really don't need to let others decide how you live or what you think. Yeah, they may not like it when you take back control over your own life, but tough shit. It's your life, is it not? I understand wanting to avoid conflict, but at what cost?

[MOHO]

4 hours ago, florduh said:

Damn, people. You really don't have to go to relatives' churches. You really don't need to let others decide how you live or what you think. Yeah, they may not like it when you take back control over your own life, but tough shit. It's your life, is it not? I understand wanting to avoid conflict, but at what cost?

 

My marriage.

[florduh]

Marriage is an equal partnership, no?

[LogicalFallacy]

1 hour ago, florduh said:

Marriage is an equal partnership, no?

In the ideal world yes. This world is not ideal.

[nutrichuckles93]

It would be ideal. But TO ME, the scrutiny that my wife would come under, if I outed my disbelief and/or had an attitude when approached about it, would not be worth it. But that's my only reason why I don't tell them what I really think of their religion/them for hijacking my life.

[florduh]

11 hours ago, LogicalFallacy said:

In the ideal world yes. This world is not ideal.

I'm pragmatic and speak my mind. Sorry if I seem harsh. What I see so often is people keeping a false peace balanced on a lie. Conditional love is not love, it's manipulation. Some people are okay with it, but personally I wouldn't stand for it as I believe I deserve to be equal. Others have a different view. Good luck to everyone who is browbeaten by religion and feels the need to live a lie. 

[TABA]

12 hours ago, nutrichuckles93 said:

It would be ideal. But TO ME, the scrutiny that my wife would come under, if I outed my disbelief and/or had an attitude when approached about it, would not be worth it. But that's my only reason why I don't tell them what I really think of their religion/them for hijacking my life.

 

Chuckles, I have to agree with florduh's comnents:  living a lie may be a necessary short-term tactic, but it's a recipe for misery in the longer term.  You've described the anxiety you feel at this church.  Is your wife insisting that you go to this church with her, knowing how you feel?  If so, you have a serious problem in your marriage.  Geezer's solution above is similar to mine: we attend churches that work for our wives but where we don't have to feign belief.  My wife loves God but she loves me too and doesn't expect me to go with her to church; I just choose to go sometimes.  You and your wife will have to work out some arrangement, otherwise I don't see a future for you together.   I'm sorry, but that's how it looks from here. 

[MOHO]

5 hours ago, florduh said:

I'm pragmatic and speak my mind. Sorry if I seem harsh. What I see so often is people keeping a false peace balanced on a lie. Conditional love is not love, it's manipulation. Some people are okay with it, but personally I wouldn't stand for it as I believe I deserve to be equal. Others have a different view. Good luck to everyone who is browbeaten by religion and feels the need to live a lie. 

 

Florduh,

I personally did not take your comment as harsh but as an accurate description of reality.

 

I'm struggling with the approach avoidance conflict of living a lie or having to move on at 55 and write a big-ass alimony check each month.

[LogicalFallacy]

Ditto MOHO.

 

Florduh my response was simply a wry observation of my own circumstances... not marriage, but I'm still in church because of family pleading.

 

I would say its not row beaten by religion, its trying to maintain family relationships but not burning too many bridges at once. I admit my strategy may end up being to no avail no one can tell me I didn't give my best shot at maintaining relationships while being atheist. 

 

Similar to MOHO I am a bit hesitant to just leave - in my case because of the possibility that they will do the old I'm lost, satan blah blah and cut contact. They've said they wouldn't... but religion. Why is that such a problem... I have no other contacts, working on it sorta, but at 4 months deconverted its still pretty fresh.

 

Hmm so that's the long explanation of my "In the ideal world yes, we don't live in an ideal world" comment.

[Ellinas]

Anxiety and fear?  No.

 

I still accompany Mrs E to church.  Whether to do so is a correct decision depends on (inter alia) the relationship, the background to the deconversion, the relationships of the believing partner within the church and so on ad nauseam, if not ad infinitum.  I don't consider it susceptible to generalisation.

 

It has crossed my mind that someone might be daft enough to try to buttonhole me - though so far it's not happened.  I suspect the fact that I had a reputation for a degree of truculence during my believing days, and have made no particular secret of my lack of interest since, has put off anyone from having a go.  But I decided a while back that, whilst I have no wish to be in the position, if someone really wants to challenge me, they'll get both barrels in reply and sod the consequences.  I think it would be easier to deal with Mrs E under such circumstances than if I engineered the break up myself.

 

That is quite a liberating decision...

[CousinChimp]

On 3/17/2017 at 9:39 PM, florduh said:

I'm pragmatic and speak my mind. Sorry if I seem harsh. What I see so often is people keeping a false peace balanced on a lie. Conditional love is not love, it's manipulation. Some people are okay with it, but personally I wouldn't stand for it as I believe I deserve to be equal. Others have a different view. Good luck to everyone who is browbeaten by religion and feels the need to live a lie. 

 

It feels shitty to live a lie. Unfortunately neither Mr Chimp or I can see a way out at the moment. We are telling people we are taking a 'sabbatical' from church for the time being to buy us a bit of time I guess. He is worried about his aging parents and would prefer to see them gone thinking that he's still a believer but I have pointed out to him that his mother at least may live for another 20 years if she's lucky so he better be prepared for a really long fake sabbatical .

 

I am trying to figure out how much I can stand to lose in the way of relationships, even if they are conditional, it feels better than being isolated and alone. And because my friends are people I run into frequently and our kids are friends, if they dump me it will be nightmare for my family. On good days I think it will  make no difference to them what I believe, but there's no way to know in advance.

 

On 3/13/2017 at 8:08 AM, nutrichuckles93 said:

 

Anyone else experience this? Feeling like you're going to suffocate at the thought of explaining your unbelief to a pastor, or even just another believer?

Absolutely!! Have yet to take the plunge and I can't see it happening anytime soon. I try to avoid all conversations with my  Christian friends that revolve around religion, or just nod and smile and try to change the subject. It's kind of ruining social interactions eg. we are going to lunch with some ex church friends on Sunday and Mr Chimp and I have to 'get our story straight' before we go. I am a pathologically open person, I have very few secrets, so this is super hard for me. Good luck with it!

[Astreja]

NC93, listen to your body.  It's trying to tell you that you're in a precarious situation, that church is not good for you.  As much as you want to support your wife, you need to protect yourself.  You might just have to say "Look, this isn't working for me.  I feel physically ill when I go to that church.  I can give you a ride there and back, but I just can't go into that building there any more."

[nutrichuckles93]

17 hours ago, Astreja said:

NC93, listen to your body.  It's trying to tell you that you're in a precarious situation, that church is not good for you.  As much as you want to support your wife, you need to protect yourself.  You might just have to say "Look, this isn't working for me.  I feel physically ill when I go to that church.  I can give you a ride there and back, but I just can't go into that building there any more."

That's a good point. To be fair, the only time I've felt physically nauseous was at the sight of that one person, and it was the first time in three months I'd seen him (my rapid unbelief began since I last saw him). If this continues, maybe I will have to approach it that way with my wife. I know she cares about my comfort level even if she wishes I felt differently.