To Tell or Not To Tell...

[Ataraxia]

Hello all. I am in the midst of my deconversion and especially the process of "coming out" to people about my new views. Recently, I opened up to my best friend and confided in her about my deconversion. At first, her response was the typical, "Why don't you believe?" "What are your reasons?" etc etc (with her not realizing the burden of proof is actually on proving a nonexistent being....anyway) Then, she seemed to accept it and we moved onto other topics without spending an inordinate amount of time on my new position. A few days later, she texted me saying she had talked to a leader at her church about my "doubts" and that this leader wanted to talk to me about them, if that was alright with me. I told her I was not comfortable with this situation, as I don't know the leader and do not have trust built up in said leader. I did, however, ask what she had told the leader about me (as I had not given her permission to talk about me in this way). She responded that she had told the leader that I was having "questions in my faith." The conversation stopped soon after that. I am mad at her for talking about me to others, acting as though I'm something broken that needs to be fixed, and especially for invalidating my deconversion by behaving as though I am merely having "doubts" or "questions" about my "faith" when in reality I have no doubts, only decisions I have made against belief. My question is: how do I navigate interactions such as these and should I even tell my other friends, who belong in a very Catholic community? How have other people handled these situations and what way have they found works best?

[florduh]

What works best is first, honesty, and second a clear line that people simply cannot cross; not even once.

[sdelsolray]

 

Hello all. I am in the midst of my deconversion and especially the process of "coming out" to people about my new views. Recently, I opened up to my best friend and confided in her about my deconversion. At first, her response was the typical, "Why don't you believe?" "What are your reasons?" etc etc (with her not realizing the burden of proof is actually on proving a nonexistent being....anyway) Then, she seemed to accept it and we moved onto other topics without spending an inordinate amount of time on my new position. A few days later, she texted me saying she had talked to a leader at her church about my "doubts" and that this leader wanted to talk to me about them, if that was alright with me. I told her I was not comfortable with this situation, as I don't know the leader and do not have trust built up in said leader. I did, however, ask what she had told the leader about me (as I had not given her permission to talk about me in this way). She responded that she had told the leader that I was having "questions in my faith." The conversation stopped soon after that. I am mad at her for talking about me to others, acting as though I'm something broken that needs to be fixed, and especially for invalidating my deconversion by behaving as though I am merely having "doubts" or "questions" about my "faith" when in reality I have no doubts, only decisions I have made against belief. My question is: how do I navigate interactions such as these and should I even tell my other friends, who belong in a very Catholic community? How have other people handled these situations and what way have they found works best?

 

You should contact your friend.  After reinforcing your long term friendship, state that friendship is based on trust, among other things.  Inform him/her that s/he breached that trust by speaking to that pastor, or anyone else, about your deconversion.  Take responsibility for failing to inform him/her (at the time of your original disclosure) that you meant your conversation to be held in the strictest confidence, but that you now have informed him/her of your request that she keep it confidential and that you expect him/her to do just that.

 

Wait and see what happens.  It will tell you something about your friend.

[LogicalFallacy]

I was about to go on a spiel about your friend crossing the line and you need to talk about this.... then I realised sdelsolray had put it better... so what he said.

[Ataraxia]

 

 

You should contact your friend.  After reinforcing your long term friendship, state that friendship is based on trust, among other things.  Inform him/her that s/he breached that trust by speaking to that pastor, or anyone else, about your deconversion.  Take responsibility for failing to inform him/her (at the time of your original disclosure) that you meant your conversation to be held in the strictest confidence, but that you now have informed him/her of your request that she keep it confidential and that you expect him/her to do just that.

 

Wait and see what happens.  It will tell you something about your friend.

Thank you sdelsolray! I will definitely have to have a followup conversation with her...and if something similar happens afterwards, that will be a red flag defining the rest of the friendship.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

I went through a situation that was almost identical to this one a couple of years ago, when I came out to a Christian friend and he went and told everyone at his church about my "questions" and "doubts" and naturally, there were people there who wanted to talk to me about it. Unlike you, I didn't actually think of this as none of their business and I thought that there would be no harm in going to meet these people.

 

I was just being friendly when I went to this church and some of them were trying to be friends with me, but the only reason was because they viewed me as a lost sheep that had to be reconverted and when I told them why I left the faith, their responses were typical Christian responses that didn't really answer anything, but instead only raised more questions. Anyway, I ended up becoming stressed out about the situation and I had to cut these people out of my life. I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself by going through all of that, when it should have never happened in the first place. My experience is a good example of how not to handle this type of situation lol.

 

I would say that what sdelsolray said would be the best advice that anyone could give you. Maybe it would be a good idea to be a bit more careful with your other friends in the Catholic community. Only those that you trust the most should know about your de-conversion and making sure that they know that they are not to spread it around would be a good idea also.

[Ataraxia]

I'm sorry about your experience, crazyguy123. I want to avoid being seen as the communal "project" that can be passed around until someone strikes a chord within me (in the unlikely event of that happening).

Actually, I just told one of my other very good friends and her reaction was everything I hoped for. She was respectful and did not challenge my beliefs, as she voiced that she would not want anyone to change her beliefs in the opposite position. I did, however, emphasize to her not to spread it around and she was more than understanding. If only everyone could be as receptive as she was....

[Lucy]

The problem is that they believe they are doing good by trying to convert you back. Telling her you lost your faith might be taken in the same way was as telling her you've been dabbling with hard core drugs. She feels she needs to do something about what appears to be a dangerous situation you are in. Also, she can gain invisible Jesus points if she brings you back. I actually find it more interesting if they don't try to convert you back than if they do.

[Ataraxia]

 

The problem is that they believe they are doing good by trying to convert you back. Telling her you lost your faith might be taken in the same way was as telling her you've been dabbling with hard core drugs. She feels she needs to do something about what appears to be a dangerous situation you are in. Also, she can gain invisible Jesus points if she brings you back. I actually find it more interesting if they don't try to convert you back than if they do.

 

This is very true, Lucy. When I was a Christian, the compulsion to discuss one of my own friend's atheism was almost too much to bear at times. If only he truly understood God....of course, I see through these lies now, but for a believer they are still very much at hand. Which is why I hesitate to tell all my friends, as sometimes I wonder if it is better to sacrifice truth for the sake of not being pestered and having every conversation turn into a religious debate. Not that I mind religious debates, but when they become closed discourse with one side refusing to be open-minded, they are wearisome.

[sdelsolray]

 

 

This is very true, Lucy. When I was a Christian, the compulsion to discuss one of my own friend's atheism was almost too much to bear at times. If only he truly understood God....of course, I see through these lies now, but for a believer they are still very much at hand. Which is why I hesitate to tell all my friends, as sometimes I wonder if it is better to sacrifice truth for the sake of not being pestered and having every conversation turn into a religious debate. Not that I mind religious debates, but when they become closed discourse with one side refusing to be open-minded, they are wearisome.

 

Deconversion away from a quasi-cult or a full blown cult results in many changes.  Perhaps you should re-evaluate your definition and application of the word "friend".