It's All So Scary.

[skysoar15]

I am sitting in front of my laptop and it's late at night.

A startling realization occurs to me. I'm going to die one day.

and it scares the shit out of me.

 

I've seen so much cruelty in the way people treat each other. 

I'm not innocent either.

 

The fads change and go...without warning. 
Technology just slips away and becomes obsolete. The VCR player, Ipod, landline phones...

 

Our skin gets wrinklier and wrinklier.

The technology becomes more and more confusing with each decade.

And people settle in.

 

They get married, have kids, and if lucky, they get to see those kids grow up.

Or they lose their lives senselessly early on.

 

So many people in power who are probably miserable. 
I swear, I'm going through an Ecclesiastes moment right now. 

 

This world doesn't make sense at all. Not even remotely. 

I also feel like nobody outside of here understands. 

 

I was always a cynical person stemming back from high school...

but Christianity made me see the world as just so lost and hopeless. The way it looks...it's hard to disagree.

We're all capable of such malice and destruction.

 

Some people are raised to be killers. Some are raised to be kind, decent people.

Everyone is born with prejudice to some capacity.

Everyone is screwed up in SOME way, even if it's not harming anyone.

The thought of the future scares me.

What's going to happen when some asshole creates a virtual reality internet? 
What happens when it makes money? 

 

Hollywood keeps pumping out garbage because it makes money.

 

Greed, jealousy, senseless drama...

 

How the hell does one make sense of it? 

Please, tell me.

 

No matter what someone does...it'll never be enough.

If I made all the money in the world, I'd still feel angry at this world.

If I had all of most beautiful women (in my eyes), I'd still be lonely.

If I had every material object, I'd get bored.

 

And the worst part...?

There is NO FREAKING ANSWER!

 

Christianity...scares me.

Religion scares me.

 

EVERYTHING scares me. 

Life scares me.

 

Please...tell me it's going to be alright...

Because some days...I just can't see it.

I keep breathing...but the world just seems so dim.

 

I don't understand how people can go day to day without going crazy.

I envy a lot of people.

 

I'm afraid to have kids one day.

I'm afraid I might do something wrong and scar them emotionally somehow.

 

I'm afraid of never being good enough.

 

I'm afraid of romance. Can I ever meet a woman who gets how the hell I think?

 

Time is just...passing by.

I can't do a thing about it. 

 

[Bedouin]

You sound quite anhedonic.  I get it.  This is the only life we get. Carpe diem.

[ConsiderTheSource]

Yep.  Don't focus on the end.  Focus on every single day of your solitary life and do what you want to do, experience what you want to experience, and care and do what you want to do for those you care about.  The only rule is to do no harm.  

 

Soak it all in, and enjoy.  What you have now, at this immediate point in time, is simplying amazing.

[disillusioned]

Yup. We're all going to die. Then we'll be dead forever. Just like we were before we were born.

 

Death is not something to fear. The only things worthy of fear happen to us when we are alive. I actually find some comfort in the fact that one day all of my problems just won't matter anymore.

 

Try not to worry about it. Just enjoy the time you have.

[MOHO]

 

Yep.  Don't focus on the end.  Focus on every single day of your solitary life and do what you want to do, experience what you want to experience, and care and do what you want to do for those you care about.  The only rule is to do no harm.  

 

Soak it all in, and enjoy.  What you have now, at this immediate point in time, is simplying amazing.

 

 

Nice, Consider!

[MOHO]

That's right, @skysoar15,

 

Some people are major asshats and some event kill people.

I myself, once gave a T-spoon full of peanut butter to a dachshund! You should have seen that little bitch try to get the tasty stuff off of her roof of her mouth. I soiled my BVD's watching that!

 

I would suggest not reading the news for a few days and watch some funny movies.

Have some friends over to watch them with you.

[skysoar15]

LOL will do.

[Wertbag]

I suffered from depression when I was younger, to the point of considering suicide and my thoughts at the time were identical to what you describe.  If I could go back in time, what I would have liked to tell myself is that life does get better.  Problems seem insurmountable because we are looking short term, but really life is a long journey and everything can change.  Whether it be your love life, your home, your health, your job, your education, your hobbies, really there are lots of ways you can assert control and head in a direction of your choosing.

I was a weedy nerd, few friends and no girlfriends, average school results due to a lack of motivation (I did great when I gave a damn but just didn't care about most subjects), no career path and all I could see was negative.  I decided I would try something to improve my fitness and give me a hobby and found martial arts (mainly taekwondo for just over 9 years).  I succeeded in gaining fitness but also made new friends and gained new skills but most of all I had something to focus on that took my full concentration and was good fun.  I realised I only suffered from the depression when I sat and dwelt on it, as soon as my mind was fully engaged in an activity I no longer even thought of the negatives.

I found my own apartment, dated girls from online dating sites, took up learning German, cross trained muay thai and jujitsu and started writing a novel.  The more time I invested in positive activities the more joy I had in life.  I ended up marrying a girl I met from a dating site (just had our 4 year anniversary) and we now have two kids.  I'm not sure any guy will ever say they are ready to be a father and I certainly still think I'm too immature to this day to be given such responsibility, but once my daughter got old enough to show her love my heart exploded.  Coming home from work to a flying cuddle from the cuteness is a highlight of my day.

All I can say is find your joy.  Take up new hobbies and sports, put yourself out there and experience new things.  Imagine what your life could be like in 5 years time, it doesn't have to stay as it is, just steer in the direction you want to take.

[Margee]

 

I suffered from depression when I was younger, to the point of considering suicide and my thoughts at the time were identical to what you describe.  If I could go back in time, what I would have liked to tell myself is that life does get better.  Problems seem insurmountable because we are looking short term, but really life is a long journey and everything can change.  Whether it be your love life, your home, your health, your job, your education, your hobbies, really there are lots of ways you can assert control and head in a direction of your choosing.

I was a weedy nerd, few friends and no girlfriends, average school results due to a lack of motivation (I did great when I gave a damn but just didn't care about most subjects), no career path and all I could see was negative.  I decided I would try something to improve my fitness and give me a hobby and found martial arts (mainly taekwondo for just over 9 years).  I succeeded in gaining fitness but also made new friends and gained new skills but most of all I had something to focus on that took my full concentration and was good fun.  I realised I only suffered from the depression when I sat and dwelt on it, as soon as my mind was fully engaged in an activity I no longer even thought of the negatives.

I found my own apartment, dated girls from online dating sites, took up learning German, cross trained muay thai and jujitsu and started writing a novel.  The more time I invested in positive activities the more joy I had in life.  I ended up marrying a girl I met from a dating site (just had our 4 year anniversary) and we now have two kids.  I'm not sure any guy will ever say they are ready to be a father and I certainly still think I'm too immature to this day to be given such responsibility, but once my daughter got old enough to show her love my heart exploded.  Coming home from work to a flying cuddle from the cuteness is a highlight of my day.

All I can say is find your joy.  Take up new hobbies and sports, put yourself out there and experience new things.  Imagine what your life could be like in 5 years time, it doesn't have to stay as it is, just steer in the direction you want to take.

Awesome Post!  I hope @skysoar really gets something out of this. I know I did. Thanks Wertbag!

[MOHO]

 

I suffered from depression when I was younger, to the point of considering suicide and my thoughts at the time were identical to what you describe.  If I could go back in time, what I would have liked to tell myself is that life does get better.  Problems seem insurmountable because we are looking short term, but really life is a long journey and everything can change.  Whether it be your love life, your home, your health, your job, your education, your hobbies, really there are lots of ways you can assert control and head in a direction of your choosing.

I was a weedy nerd, few friends and no girlfriends, average school results due to a lack of motivation (I did great when I gave a damn but just didn't care about most subjects), no career path and all I could see was negative.  I decided I would try something to improve my fitness and give me a hobby and found martial arts (mainly taekwondo for just over 9 years).  I succeeded in gaining fitness but also made new friends and gained new skills but most of all I had something to focus on that took my full concentration and was good fun.  I realised I only suffered from the depression when I sat and dwelt on it, as soon as my mind was fully engaged in an activity I no longer even thought of the negatives.

I found my own apartment, dated girls from online dating sites, took up learning German, cross trained muay thai and jujitsu and started writing a novel.  The more time I invested in positive activities the more joy I had in life.  I ended up marrying a girl I met from a dating site (just had our 4 year anniversary) and we now have two kids.  I'm not sure any guy will ever say they are ready to be a father and I certainly still think I'm too immature to this day to be given such responsibility, but once my daughter got old enough to show her love my heart exploded.  Coming home from work to a flying cuddle from the cuteness is a highlight of my day.

All I can say is find your joy.  Take up new hobbies and sports, put yourself out there and experience new things.  Imagine what your life could be like in 5 years time, it doesn't have to stay as it is, just steer in the direction you want to take.

 

Nice work, @Wertbag

[Tsathoggua9]

 

I suffered from depression when I was younger, to the point of considering suicide and my thoughts at the time were identical to what you describe.  If I could go back in time, what I would have liked to tell myself is that life does get better.  Problems seem insurmountable because we are looking short term, but really life is a long journey and everything can change.  Whether it be your love life, your home, your health, your job, your education, your hobbies, really there are lots of ways you can assert control and head in a direction of your choosing.

I was a weedy nerd, few friends and no girlfriends, average school results due to a lack of motivation (I did great when I gave a damn but just didn't care about most subjects), no career path and all I could see was negative.  I decided I would try something to improve my fitness and give me a hobby and found martial arts (mainly taekwondo for just over 9 years).  I succeeded in gaining fitness but also made new friends and gained new skills but most of all I had something to focus on that took my full concentration and was good fun.  I realised I only suffered from the depression when I sat and dwelt on it, as soon as my mind was fully engaged in an activity I no longer even thought of the negatives.

I found my own apartment, dated girls from online dating sites, took up learning German, cross trained muay thai and jujitsu and started writing a novel.  The more time I invested in positive activities the more joy I had in life.  I ended up marrying a girl I met from a dating site (just had our 4 year anniversary) and we now have two kids.  I'm not sure any guy will ever say they are ready to be a father and I certainly still think I'm too immature to this day to be given such responsibility, but once my daughter got old enough to show her love my heart exploded.  Coming home from work to a flying cuddle from the cuteness is a highlight of my day.

All I can say is find your joy.  Take up new hobbies and sports, put yourself out there and experience new things.  Imagine what your life could be like in 5 years time, it doesn't have to stay as it is, just steer in the direction you want to take.

 

Nifty story!

[skysoar15]

 

I suffered from depression when I was younger, to the point of considering suicide and my thoughts at the time were identical to what you describe.  If I could go back in time, what I would have liked to tell myself is that life does get better.  Problems seem insurmountable because we are looking short term, but really life is a long journey and everything can change.  Whether it be your love life, your home, your health, your job, your education, your hobbies, really there are lots of ways you can assert control and head in a direction of your choosing.

I was a weedy nerd, few friends and no girlfriends, average school results due to a lack of motivation (I did great when I gave a damn but just didn't care about most subjects), no career path and all I could see was negative.  I decided I would try something to improve my fitness and give me a hobby and found martial arts (mainly taekwondo for just over 9 years).  I succeeded in gaining fitness but also made new friends and gained new skills but most of all I had something to focus on that took my full concentration and was good fun.  I realised I only suffered from the depression when I sat and dwelt on it, as soon as my mind was fully engaged in an activity I no longer even thought of the negatives.

I found my own apartment, dated girls from online dating sites, took up learning German, cross trained muay thai and jujitsu and started writing a novel.  The more time I invested in positive activities the more joy I had in life.  I ended up marrying a girl I met from a dating site (just had our 4 year anniversary) and we now have two kids.  I'm not sure any guy will ever say they are ready to be a father and I certainly still think I'm too immature to this day to be given such responsibility, but once my daughter got old enough to show her love my heart exploded.  Coming home from work to a flying cuddle from the cuteness is a highlight of my day.

All I can say is find your joy.  Take up new hobbies and sports, put yourself out there and experience new things.  Imagine what your life could be like in 5 years time, it doesn't have to stay as it is, just steer in the direction you want to take.

Thanks for these words. They do help. 

[Lerk]

"This world doesn't make sense at all. Not even remotely."

 

It's when you realize that, that it does start to make sense. The fact that there's nothing behind it, no "plan" as it were, no grand scheme and no ultimate authority, means that what chaos there is, and what order there is, what good and what bad, all make sense, because it's all the result of a complicated system that nobody is in charge of. Some of the order is the result of the laws of physics and biology. Some of the order (and the disorder, as well) is the result of humans who do have control over small bits of the whole.

 

In other words, the world is exactly what you would expect. I'll tell you what, once I realized that I pretty much quit being afraid of anything, quit worrying about anything. There are some miserable things in my life right now (I don't like where I'm living and my grown children have moved off, taking my grandchildren with them; my sister is very ill and may not live long, and my mother is becoming very feeble; my wife suffers from depression, and has since before I ever met her), but there are other things that are good (I have a good job and have managed to get out of debt in the last 6 or 7 years, and think I may be able to retire at least by the time I'm 67 (10 years away).) But I think just the fact that I know that there's no mystical cause of anything, that it's all natural, allows me to do that thing that Christians try so hard to do and fail, and that is to change the things I can and accept the things I can't. For a Christian that's impossible, because they always think their god should be doing something. For an atheist, it's simple.

 

Even death doesn't bother me in the same way. I miss my dad terribly, and I shed a few tears this morning, but he was so tired and miserable the last few years, even though he still had his mind. So now he doesn't exist except in memories and photographs. And I'm happy he was my father, and I'm happy that he's no longer suffering, and I don't care that he's not somehow living in "paradise". He lives in our memories, and when everyone who knew him is gone, he'll be gone, too, I suppose (as will we all), but the world goes on and babies are born and there's happiness and sadness and everything in between. I just want to leave some little piece of the world in better shape than I found it. I want to leave behind happy memories. I want to send money to places where it will make someone else's life a little better, someone I don't know and whom I'll never meet.

 

"This" world does make sense, after all. I suspect that there are other worlds out there, too, and wherever intelligent life is found, situations are probably much like situations on this world. Because it makes sense.

[Lost]

skysoar15  Definitely I can relate to Your post, these fears and doubts.

 

You write your posts in a really clear way, using simply constructed sentences. Thanks to that it's easier to read and understand

 

Hope that You will feel much better, even though these feelings and thoughts may haunts You from time to time.