ag_NO_stic

Free Therapy (discussing upbringing and family of origin)

35 posts in this topic

This is gonna ramble a lot, apologies in advance.

 

My parents were pretty strict in a lot of senses and very easy going in others. I feel like I probably misconstrued a lot of what I was being taught about being a good Christian girl at the time, in the sense that I basically became a doormat and had a lot of faulty friendships when I was younger who took advantage of that. My parents really pushed on me that I was a nice and good kid, so whenever I acted otherwise I felt like I was a failure and going to hell. 

My dad always taught me to defend myself, and encouraged me a lot when I was younger to stand up against boys and even fight them. However when I did the same at college he said I shouldn't and that people would think I was a bitch. His words not mine.

My dad was pretty distant growing up looking back on things, he was a pastor basically and was always busy developing new teachings or working on his math thesis. He always had time for everyone except for family, he was too tired when he got home. Sometimes he would spend time with us on vacations but overall he really wasn't there for me. He never kept promises about coming to things or doing things with or for me or my siblings. And as we've grown up the only one he really invests in is my brother who does sports. Somehow he manages to go to all of his games, but never anything for my sister. He'll always apologize, usually once every two years. He'll promise that he will get better, and then he doesn't. I'm pretty used to that by now.

My mom was almost always there in contrast. I had a hard time with her in my teens because everyone compared me to her, but once I got past that she was one of my most favorite people. However she always has to follow my dad and do what he says, at least in front of him. Despite the fact that she always defers to him she's bent the rules a little at times. When I left home and my dad decided they would cut off all support from me, she would slip me a 20 for groceries when I visited home. Or call me and make sure I knew I was loved.

Now that I've come out to transgender to them things have changed even more. They refuse to accept me and are convinced I'm like a prodigal son (again, their words, not mine) who will come back to Christianity. They're also keeping my siblings from visiting me despite promising not to because they're uncomfortable with me being around them.

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I think I get what you are saying here, Faithfulless,

 

Examining one's past can be helpful but if they use their past as an excuse not to change that's a whole different conversation.

 

About right?

Yes, that's pretty much right, but I think some folks can dwell on their past way too long as a means of trying to understand who they are now. They keep digging deeper and deeper into the past hoping for some sort of epiphany. I think there is something to be said for a little healthy repression (if there is such a thing). A constant examination of the past, IMHO, kind of keeps you looking in that direction. But, hell, what do I know?  Whatever works to keep one's sanity, right?

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@knightcore

Now that I've come out to transgender to them things have changed even more. They refuse to accept me and are convinced I'm like a prodigal son (again, their words, not mine) who will come back to Christianity. They're also keeping my siblings from visiting me despite promising not to because they're uncomfortable with me being around them.

This sounds very painful, Knightcore, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. There are way too many parents - Christian or otherwise- who refuse to accept their kids for who they are. My best advice would be to stay gracious and loving, but be true to yourself. In most cases, I think families will come around, particularly if they're not extremists. Stay strong. I wish you well.

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Interesting thread!  A favorite Dostoevsky quotation of mine is, "How can you have lived and not have a story to tell?"  I tend to agree with Faithfulless that re examining the past can be overdone. I am seeing a therapist right now and it has been extremely helpful. She explained it as a decoding process to help show how your brain interprets things. The point being that if you figure out some of your blind spots, you can account for them(vs being unaware of them and then crashing w/o warning). That all being said, I think we've all encountered people who use their past or some kind of paychobabble as a convenient excuse. I also think there's a point where we can over examine our lives to the point that we get trapped and aren't able to enjoy the present. I think it all comes down to balance. 

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Absolutely! I also have been on the chat, so there are personal messaging options on there as well. :)

 

I must be blind, but where is the chat on this site?

@ag_NO_stic I can PM you if you're interested in the subject. I've recently gone over this with my therapist and have sort of wondered, what is the point of talking about childhood experiences, is it supposed to help us reframe them in a new light?

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I must be blind, but where is the chat on this site?

@ag_NO_stic I can PM you if you're interested in the subject. I've recently gone over this with my therapist and have sort of wondered, what is the point of talking about childhood experiences, is it supposed to help us reframe them in a new light?

 

There are all kinds of reasons. For me, I processed it better and had to face it when it came out in the form of words. All kinds of negative cognitions occur in our heads, talking/writing about it can force a bit of organization.

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There are all kinds of reasons. For me, I processed it better and had to face it when it came out in the form of words. All kinds of negative cognitions occur in our heads, talking/writing about it can force a bit of organization.

Ok, I've no problem chatting but I don't see a chat forum anywhere. I can put something together and PM it to you, who knows, maybe it will be some help. I've thought a great deal about my childhood lately, trying to figure out is it still holding me back in some ways or having a negative influence, but I just don't know.

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Ok, I've no problem chatting but I don't see a chat forum anywhere. I can put something together and PM it to you, who knows, maybe it will be some help. I've thought a great deal about my childhood lately, trying to figure out is it still holding me back in some ways or having a negative influence, but I just don't know.

 Yeah, PM me. No rush, take your time. It can sometimes be emotional

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I must be blind, but where is the chat on this site?

 

 

Ok, I've no problem chatting but I don't see a chat forum anywhere.

 

For anyone else wondering where Chat is - its on discord, not on Ex-C forum. See here for details

 

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I think one needs to remember that Xianity, like all religions, has to recruit.

 

it is facing a very difficult and uncertain future. Most of its adherents are old. It used to be that adults would procreate and bring their offspring into the fold but not so much nowadays.

 

The easiest converts are the vulnerable ones. Something like college or university is often someone's first foray into independence and it can be daunting. So parasitic Xian recruiters loiter around, befriending the vulnerable, bewildered or overwhelmed. Inviting them to meetings and introducing them to new friends. Before you know it you are reading the bible or being told bits of it and praying. 

 

Glad to to see people coming out the other side. Best wishes.

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