So Painful...

[mich]

I gave so much of my life to my religion. I made so many decisions based on what i believed, based on that book. I have lost my spouse and child to death after joining this religion, both at a tender young age.  I blame the religion. I kept making excuses for god. Blessings in disguise. We'll understand it by and by. I was still trying to make excuses after all these years. it was just meant to be. I held on. 'god, you held back the waters of the red sea, so i know you can do this'. Very devout i was , or tried to be. It was very hard after the more recent death of my child. But in order to survive i had to keep trying to make excuses as to why god didn't pull through after i had turned everything over to him and trusted that he would take care of it all..... I never considered, till this year, that the bible might not have been written by god. Why would we never even question that? Just take what men have handed down to us? Why didn't we ever consider that we were being lied to. It all seemed so real.....But now i know. Too late to save my spouse and child. To late to live the life i would have lived. Now I am stuck in the wrong life. In the wrong state.  Estranged from most of my family and old friends. Middle aged and no where to go. Full of anxiety and depression and losing the will to live. That's my intro. Is there a 'religiously traumatized' section here? Most say that well a little religion won't hurt you, going to functions etc. I beg to differ. It is extremely dangerous. I realize that my story is an exception to most. Anyway, I hope to get some help in this community. I am closeted.  So i am alone. The bible is evil. And a good religion cannot be based on an evil book. So....where to go from here.....Thank you for listening. 

[Margee]

mich, welcome to ex-c. Thank you for sharing part of your story. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your husband and child. I can't think of anything that might be worse. I just can't. I want to wave a magic wand all over you and make you better.

 

If it helps at all, I joined here 7 years ago and was completely depressed over losses in my own family. And I also didn't have anywhere to turn. I've always said on the board that the greatest loss I ever had was losing the faith in god. Please stay here with us and read, read, read all the heartbreak when people join this board. It will not 'lighten up' how you feel about your own losses right now but it will allow you to see that you are not alone. Life is not fair sometimes. I had to get some professional help to help me deal with some of the mind-boggling issues that I had to deal with. And the members on this board kept holding me up till I could stand on my own. You are grieving so many things right now and you might need professional help with that. 

 

I actually was able to deal with my own losses a little better when I realized that god was not involved. I had to re-grieve all their deaths. With the help of the members on this board, and some professional help I was able to understand that life is not fair and it helped me accept sickness and dealing with death a little better.  Please keep posting and let's see if we can help you feel better, at least for the time being while you are dealing with so much. Don't give up. Many people can make it through these terrible things that we humans have to go through. Stay strong honey.

 

I give you the biggest hug in the world tonight. (((hug)))

 

P.S. I am past 'middle age' so sometimes we get real tired. Don't forget to get lots of rest when you're going through a lot of stress. 

[mich]

What a warm welcome. Thank you so much. I know it was rude to just barge in with my pain and story in a tiny nutshell (it's really a book). As far as professional help, I am trying to hide it so that may not work. My husband knows i have anxious spells lately, though doesn't know how bad and doesn't know why. Also, I don't want to be medicated due to side effects. I was on xanax after the loss of my child and was glad to get off. (though at times i wished i had one of those pills back again) .   I can relate with the 'oh, so god had nothing to do with this' . My story is very long and detailed. I have enjoyed reading the posts and will continue to post as well, though, it may be a few days before i am able to get back. Thanks for the ((hug))! I needed that....

[MOHO]

@mich,

 

You are in the company of many who have had their lives turned upside-down after realizing the lie of religion. What we find is that, after time to heal, we build new, or new-ish, lives and are much happier.

 

I would suggest finding atheist or agnostic friends. Sure, you have us, but folks to socialize with or talk to helps. I have a confidant at work who gave up on Judaism and knows both the old and new testicles very well. We frequently have the office to ourselves on Fridays and it really helps to talk things out.

 

as @Margee says hang in there. You are not alone and your story is not so atypical.

[Guest]

Christianity at it's worst traumatizes those of us who have gone through difficult circumstances, as we plead and try to bargain with God and then in the end, it seems he has failed us anyway. And to make it much worse, when we feel that, it dumps more guilt on us because we are just supposed to have faith and we don't have enough and we are lacking and terrible and deserving of hell etc. It is such a mind game. When we finally wake up to the truth, the toll and the cost of this can be very high. You are not an exception here, and you are not alone. Stick around, this community can be the one thing that helps you pull through when everything feels hopeless and losing this delusion hurts and angers you so much. There are lots of people here who have been where you are and can lend a helping hand. ((hugs))

[Geezer]

Mich, former Hoosier here.  Your story is one of the more tragic I've read. It took me 40 years to figure out, and then confirm, the Bible, and the Christian Faith, were created by humans. The intense indoctrination religion uses to retain their adherents is truly evil because it's so effective. 

 

You've figured out that it's all a mind game & the ones doing the indoctrination are themselves indoctrinated, so they believe it as strongly as those they are indoctrinating. It's an evil circle that is enormously difficult to escape. 

 

This is is a good place. You will find help, compassion, & understanding here because we all have similar experiences. I'm so glad you found this site. I remember what a relief it was when I discovered it. Just knowing you aren't alone is in itself a huge relieve.

 

Welcome aboard, you will find lots of helpful folks here. 

[Tsathoggua9]

Welcome to the board. What you have been through is deeply unsettling, and I hope that you can find help and sympathy here.

[DarkFlash]

Well hold on. For starters you didn't barge in at all with what you've been through. All of us have gone through these issues and some even still seek for the truth. Everything you were told by the members here I can honestly agree with. I didn't feel as if I needed that type of assistance but with time will people have to, as christians called it, 'lay your plate down' and really undergo that self-check. But see it this way. It was an episode that like us, have you emotionally sought battle with and also with ease can you power yourself out of this one. Never is it, even as years grew, has it shown that you're done for. I felt the same and you know what? I'm a free man. Seth Andrews, a known Atheist also invested years into the book and yet he's smiling and also takes in willingly that he's now himself. You are who you are and more than this is enough. You're able to think, see, and even grasp what true morality is. Those sitting in a building on Sundays raising their hands with some forever condoning pure insanity inside of a book are, and until like yourself these people wake up, absolutely gone. And believe me when I tell you this. Monday through Sunday was pretty much my church schedule without a paycheck but instead given everyday cherry-picking for what reason? You can't hide self-incrimination if it's something you've promoted countrywide. It's on them, but inner demons you can say you've won over. Welcome to Ex-Christian. 

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

On 7/15/2017 at 10:49 PM, mich said:

What a warm welcome. Thank you so much. I know it was rude to just barge in with my pain and story in a tiny nutshell (it's really a book). As far as professional help, I am trying to hide it so that may not work. My husband knows i have anxious spells lately, though doesn't know how bad and doesn't know why. Also, I don't want to be medicated due to side effects. I was on xanax after the loss of my child and was glad to get off. (though at times i wished i had one of those pills back again) .   I can relate with the 'oh, so god had nothing to do with this' . My story is very long and detailed. I have enjoyed reading the posts and will continue to post as well, though, it may be a few days before i am able to get back. Thanks for the ((hug))! I needed that....

You haven't been rude at all Mich. This is what this community is for. I am so glad you found your way here. The members here genuinely care for you as you go through this trying time in your life. Maybe we can in some small way help you through this. As margee said, if nothing else you can at least know you aren't alone anymore. 

 

((BIG HUGS!)) and welcome to EXC.

 

DB

[mich]

Thank you all for your kind words. I keep coming back here for comforting words and reading other's experiences.  I plan to tell more of my story. Should I do that here? or in the testimonials section? It's quite big....Also, is there a section or group of those who have chosen to stay in the closet for whatever reason? At this point in my life, I just need help doing coping with going to church as a nonbeliever.....

[Margee]

Why not start in the testimonies? Hang in there honey. Sometimes writing it all down takes a load of pressure off you and helps you put things into perspective . Looking forward to hearing more from you. Big hug.

[Jeff]

Hang in there Mich. You are not alone. 

Welcome.