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Goodbye Jesus

An unanswered prayer


padgemi

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Good evening all!

 

My background includes baptist and a little methodist in my childhood.  I was not pressured to "get saved", save for the sermons.  I "came to christ" totally willingly and believed all of it.  In college, I made the jump to church of christ, re-baptism and all, and felt great about it. 

 

At some point not too far from graduation, my Dad (still a believer) casually mentioned to me that the catholic bible had additional books that my bible doesn't have.  I had experienced doubt before, but for me this little tidbit planted the first seed of doubt that was based in fact:  How do I know I'm reading the right bible?  Did god choose these extra books only for catholics?  Upon further research, it became apparent that god did not choose any of the books of the bible, those were selected by (imperfect human) committee some centuries later.

 

Curious, but still undeterred in my devotion to christ.

 

Shortly afterward, The Davinci Code came out.  I read it.  Between that and a little related research, I almost became an atheist that day.  But a little prayer and reading some Xian responses to the book fixed me up and I was a firm believer again.

 

Fast forward a few years and I find myself in the middle of the greatest tragedy of my life.  Now I'm no stranger to tragedy:

 

1. Mother murdered, me (11) and lil sis (6) discovered the body.

 

2. Defending my father's innocence in court, twice (yeah still a kid)

 

3. Learning after 32 years of great health that I have bipolar disorder and high blood pressure.

 

4. And the list goes on...

 

As challenging as these hardships were for me, they were all superseded by the greatest tragedy of my simple life:

 

Watching my marriage transition from the one good thing that's ever happened to me (aside from my wonderful red headed daughters), a marriage that brought me complete and total euphoria, to descend to a passionless, sexless, loveless kid-raising business transaction is the worst and most enduring pain I have experienced by far.

 

So what did I do about it?

Aside from countless failed attempts to communicate my feelings and try to spice up the relationship, I PRAYED!!! FOR THREE YEARS I PRAYED!!!  I PRAYED LIKE A GOOD LITTLE MOFO!!!  A LOT!! AT LEAST EVERY DAY!! 

 

I also combed the Bible.  I read king James.  I read the new king James.  I read the catholic bible.  I read the NIV.  After about 3 years of doing this and getting nothing whatsoever out of it: no personal inspiration, no Holy Spirit action, no sugar from the wife, those little seeds of doubt must have sprouted because I began to see all kinds of absurdities in the Bible.  Whereas I used to subscribe to the process of believe the Bible is the word of god first, then seek explanations for the "so called" contradictions because of this belief second, I began to reason that maybe the claim that Judas BOTH hung himself AND fell headfirst causing his guts to spill out really is bullshit and maybe this is a real contradiction after all.  And all it took from there was a couple more examples like this and I was cured.  (But the marriage isn't cured, though - god made it clear he will never answer that prayer)

 

Garth Brooks says "some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". In a way, I agree, cause it turns out that's what it took to convince me to stop believing.

 

Merry Xmas to all and to all a good night!

 

padgemi signing off

 

 

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Your story is tragic. I was Church of Christ for 27 years, so I know personally how deeply they indoctrinate people. They are the reason I'm no longer a believer. After year of studing & researching the origins & evolution of both the bible & Christianity my faith evaporated. You are correct both the bible & Christianity are man made B.S. & when I confirmed that my faith disappeared.

 

You are carrying such an enormously heavy burden professional help is likely necessary. Your story is like something the TV show dateline would broadcast. I can't imagine having to experience the things you have had to deal with.

 

I don't think religion is going to help you get through this. You need real answers & solutions & I feel certain that is going to require professional assistance. In the meantime, I think you will find this site helpful for your religious issues.

 

I'm glad you found this site & I look forward to reading more of your thoughts & how things are progressing for you.  

 

 

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Thank you @Geezer !

 

I do have a great psychiatrist and very effective medication to deal with the BPD.  Individual therapy hasn't been quite as helpful for me but I've had good results with support groups and online forums.  I'm excited to learn more about the ex- Xian community because I really haven't had many conversations about this anywhere else.

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Welcome to the forum, @padgemi

 

That's a heavy load you are carrying. I would not wish that on anyone.

 

The only part I can relate to is the marriage aspect. When I announced my deconversion and disbelieve a few years ago the situation became untenable so I "ducked back in". That is to say I began going to church with Mrs. MOHO again. I rarely go into the sanctuary but man my post guarding a door.

 

The same things broke my faith as for you. Bible books were not written or even chosen by god. So many conflicting stories, lessons, and rules in the books.  Prayers went unanswered for years. I'd poor my heart out then hear only crickets in response.

 

The only thing I'd add to the list of deal breakers is, after a time observing, I have come to the conclusion that believers are bat-shit crazy. I guess I was too but I'm thinking that, for the most part, said craziness is temporary and can be cured via logic, reason, study, and thought.

 

Glad to hear you have some resources to deal with your issues.

 

Stay tuned and keep reading/posting...

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

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1 hour ago, MOHO said:

Welcome to the forum, @padgemi

 

That's a heavy load you are carrying. I would not wish that on anyone.

 

The only part I can relate to is the marriage aspect. When I announced my deconversion and disbelieve a few years ago the situation became untenable so I "ducked back in". That is to say I began going to church with Mrs. MOHO again. I rarely go into the sanctuary but man my post guarding a door.

 

The same things broke my faith as for you. Bible books were not written or even chosen by god. So many conflicting stories, lessons, and rules in the books.  Prayers went unanswered for years. I'd poor my heart out then hear only crickets in response.

 

The only thing I'd add to the list of deal breakers is, after a time observing, I have come to the conclusion that believers are bat-shit crazy. I guess I was too but I'm thinking that, for the most part, said craziness is temporary and can be cured via logic, reason, study, and thought.

 

Glad to hear you have some resources to deal with your issues.

 

Stay tuned and keep reading/posting...

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

 

Thanks @MOHO

 

Yeah, I haven't made any attempt to come out of the closet.  Thankfully, Mrs. Padgemi doesn't go to church anymore.  But almost everyone else in my life does.  I have enough on my plate.  I can't deal with people trying to re-save me right now.

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Ouch, and you're in the Bible Belt. Stress is a big passion killer in our marriage, and sadly, she is under stress almost every day from work, us trying to sell a house, money being very short, etc. She is emotionally and thus physically drained most nights. I keep trying to find ways to help, and I am good at fixing house issues. But I can't change her job, and to top it off she is a "sensitive" meaning she picks up on other people's stress (and anger, lust, happy, etc) and feels it like it is her own. Still she is my best friend, so we stick together through all the shit and are still going. I sometimes envy those with kids, other times I can't imagine having to deal with them on top of the rest.

 

Hope you find solace in the midst of it all.

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10 hours ago, Fuego said:

Ouch, and you're in the Bible Belt. Stress is a big passion killer in our marriage, and sadly, she is under stress almost every day from work, us trying to sell a house, money being very short, etc. She is emotionally and thus physically drained most nights. I keep trying to find ways to help, and I am good at fixing house issues. But I can't change her job, and to top it off she is a "sensitive" meaning she picks up on other people's stress (and anger, lust, happy, etc) and feels it like it is her own. Still she is my best friend, so we stick together through all the shit and are still going. I sometimes envy those with kids, other times I can't imagine having to deal with them on top of the rest.

 

Hope you find solace in the midst of it all.

Thanks Fuego!

 

I'm not going to lie: raising kids is a tremendous amount of work, but it's a burden I gladly bear!  The only downside to me is having kids keeps me chained to a marriage I no longer want to be part of.  If I leave, then I only get to see my daughters every other weekend (maybe even less, given my mental health record).  I tolerate the marriage (for now) to avoid this unacceptable consequence.

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