The saddest most dangerous part for me....

[mich]

Just part of my testimony...The saddest, most dangerous part:

I tried to keep peace. When after a year, I saw that my efforts to regain my sick and disabled son were only causing a disturbance, I retracted and turned the whole situation over to god. It was so big. I had been taught that once you turn something over to god, you leave it there. God is the one who created us. God is the one who gave us life. God is the only one who takes life (so man told me). With god all things are possible, it says. He held back the red sea. He could bring my child home, right? Others didn't see me going home, getting in my closet and banging on the doors of heaven. So they assumed I didn't care about my child. They didn't see all the tears I cried, didn't hear all the prayers I prayed, hoping for a miracle. All we ever hear are the GOOD  stories at church. The encouraging ones. If god answers this one's prayers, then surely he will answer mine. I am trying to do everything right. Women are taught to be subject to their husbands. I did that. I moved hundreds of miles away from my son because god was leading my husband (stepdad) to do that. And I was afraid of going against that. I didn't want to displease God. I needed him to fix this circumstance for me. For my child. I tried to be perfect. I tried to make all the right decisions that I thought god would be pleased in. So that he would step in a work a miracle. I leaned on what I thought were messages from god. So I prayed and waited, and trusted for the day DJ would come home. And he wanted to come home, told me so multiple times. I assured DJ that he was always welcome to come home, and to tell them that he did. But he was too much like me, didn't want to ripple the waters. If either of us had attempted anything, it would have just caused trouble. So we just waited. Nothing........ever. I wasn't told that he was dying. I thought perhaps his life would be shortened somewhat due to a traumatic surgery. An unnecessary one, and one that I did not agree to, but was supposed to make him better....

But not this. Why would god show me the perfect treatment he needed for his physical illness. And then allow him to be taken away, all my parental rights revoked, my hands tied, and killed at the hands of humans? It seems more like a cruel joke. And I just had to twist my brain cells around that as somehow 'god's perfect plan' . Mad at god? Hardly. Might as well be mad at Santa Claus. It was the conditioning of people and the words of that bible that persuaded me to act in the way I did. Cast all your cares upon him, for he careth for you....Trust in the lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, and he will direct thy paths...Stand still and wait on the Lord...Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord...All things happen to to the good to them that love the lord...etc. All these words I trusted in. Trusted that God would handle it for me, if I just did everything that I had been taught to please him. He was on my side. In the meantime, people saw me as 'not caring', 'not being there for DJ', 'throwing him away'. All the talk behind my back. The wrong assumptions. The mountains made out of molehills, the exaggerations, the slander, the lies. I can't even say I blame them anymore. It would seem like I didn't care, when really I was repeatedly just turning it over to god, and waiting...Patience is a virtue, it says.. If I had put forth efforts, which I did at the first, it would only stir up trouble. And we are supposed to be peacemakers. We heard that frequently at church. I didn't recall the bible verse that said 'there is a time for peace and a time for war'. Oh, if only I had known THAT verse was there. We only hear select verses at church. No elders stepped in and gently guided me to better actions. .No one came and said 'I've been where you're at. I know what you're going through, this is the way you should handle it......

If only I could go back and do things differently. But sometimes we don't get a second chance.

 

And then...a few years later.....I found out the bible was all a myth.....

 

[Geezer]

7 hours ago, mich said:

Just part of my testimony...The saddest, most dangerous part:

I tried to keep peace. When after a year, I saw that my efforts to regain my sick and disabled son were only causing a disturbance, I retracted and turned the whole situation over to god. It was so big. I had been taught that once you turn something over to god, you leave it there. God is the one who created us. God is the one who gave us life. God is the only one who takes life (so man told me). With god all things are possible, it says. He held back the red sea. He could bring my child home, right? Others didn't see me going home, getting in my closet and banging on the doors of heaven. So they assumed I didn't care about my child. They didn't see all the tears I cried, didn't hear all the prayers I prayed, hoping for a miracle. All we ever hear are the GOOD  stories at church. The encouraging ones. If god answers this one's prayers, then surely he will answer mine. I am trying to do everything right. Women are taught to be subject to their husbands. I did that. I moved hundreds of miles away from my son because god was leading my husband (stepdad) to do that. And I was afraid of going against that. I didn't want to displease God. I needed him to fix this circumstance for me. For my child. I tried to be perfect. I tried to make all the right decisions that I thought god would be pleased in. So that he would step in a work a miracle. I leaned on what I thought were messages from god. So I prayed and waited, and trusted for the day DJ would come home. And he wanted to come home, told me so multiple times. I assured DJ that he was always welcome to come home, and to tell them that he did. But he was too much like me, didn't want to ripple the waters. If either of us had attempted anything, it would have just caused trouble. So we just waited. Nothing........ever. I wasn't told that he was dying. I thought perhaps his life would be shortened somewhat due to a traumatic surgery. An unnecessary one, and one that I did not agree to, but was supposed to make him better....

But not this. Why would god show me the perfect treatment he needed for his physical illness. And then allow him to be taken away, all my parental rights revoked, my hands tied, and killed at the hands of humans? It seems more like a cruel joke. And I just had to twist my brain cells around that as somehow 'god's perfect plan' . Mad at god? Hardly. Might as well be mad at Santa Claus. It was the conditioning of people and the words of that bible that persuaded me to act in the way I did. Cast all your cares upon him, for he careth for you....Trust in the lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, and he will direct thy paths...Stand still and wait on the Lord...Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord...All things happen to to the good to them that love the lord...etc. All these words I trusted in. Trusted that God would handle it for me, if I just did everything that I had been taught to please him. He was on my side. In the meantime, people saw me as 'not caring', 'not being there for DJ', 'throwing him away'. All the talk behind my back. The wrong assumptions. The mountains made out of molehills, the exaggerations, the slander, the lies. I can't even say I blame them anymore. It would seem like I didn't care, when really I was repeatedly just turning it over to god, and waiting...Patience is a virtue, it says.. If I had put forth efforts, which I did at the first, it would only stir up trouble. And we are supposed to be peacemakers. We heard that frequently at church. I didn't recall the bible verse that said 'there is a time for peace and a time for war'. Oh, if only I had known THAT verse was there. We only hear select verses at church. No elders stepped in and gently guided me to better actions. .No one came and said 'I've been where you're at. I know what you're going through, this is the way you should handle it......

If only I could go back and do things differently. But sometimes we don't get a second chance.

 

And then...a few years later.....I found out the bible was all a myth.....

 

 

 Your story is so sad it's difficult to read it. I am so sorry for all you have had to endure. Religion promises much but fails to deliver on those promises.  Religion also preys on troubled people who are the most vulnerable. I'm glad you found this site & that it benefits you in your search for answers. 

[ConsiderTheSource]

"No Elders stepped in".

 

"No one came and said "I've been where you're at"."

 

I have a different narrative regarding my child.  But, I have the same experience.  

 

I have been where you are at.  And, the anger is always there in the background. 

 

Bastards.

[DanForsman]

So sorry to hear of the death of your much loved son. That part of your grieving process includes feeling guilt for what you feel you should have done differently is very common I would imagine. If those feelings become exceedingly difficult to bear perhaps you might want to consider getting help from a therapist. A secular therapist would definitely be safest now that you are (well?) into the process of deconversion. Here's a link if you should decide you need or want to try it:  https://www.seculartherapy.org/findtherapist.php  

Your story sounds so tragic and I just want you to know that it touches my heart and that my sympathy is completely with you in this difficult time. Thank you for sharing with us and I hope you'll be able to stay here for at least a while and that we'll be able to provide a source of support for you. The bible is not a reasonable source of guidance for life in the 21st century certainly and I don't think it ever could have been at any time. Because biblical messages contradict one another and are frequently ambivalent individual churches provide whatever "interpretations" they come up with guided by imaginary spiritual forces that aren't necessarily even comprehensible. Attempting to work out real life problems through this bizarre instructional system is just not reasonable and many trusting parishioners are certainly sent down roads that are harmful to their well being just like you were unfortunately. Leaving christianity is a very wise choice and one that will put you on solid ground for solving life's challenges armed with your ability to locate and study the  very best pertinent resources available and trusting your own reason and judgment to make the best possible choices. Be kind, understanding, and forgiving with yourself as continue to learn and evolve. So much that happens is out of our control but your decision to keep fighting back by making appropriate changes is inspirational.  

[Positivist]

Ugh. I too waited, followed and trusted. 

A long journey down a dead end street. 

My condolences on your terrible loss. 

[Margee]

Your story breaks my heart. Thank you for opening up and sharing this. Please keep writing and posting.  Please keep reading. It won't  ever heal you but you may understand that you are not alone. So many of us have made huge mistakes in our lives as we trusted and waited on the invisible  god. I give you the biggest hug today and I am so, so sorry for the loss of your son.  My wish for you would be that someday you will be able to see that it wasn't your fault and that you did what you did because you believe with all your heart that God was going  to come to your rescue. I too believed the same thing for many years and had my own share of disasters that I am learning to live with.  Huge ((((Hug))))

[James23]

Hi, your story makes me sad and angry. Sad for you and what you have been put through unnecessarily, and angry that religion has the power to mess people up so badly. I have heard so many stories like yours and it frustrates me that Christianity just keeps on rolling, a house of lies propped up on the back of its own victims.

[mich]

Thank you to everyone who responded, with your caring words and suggestions. There are so many painful, ugly details in my story, it would take a book to write it all out (which i am currently working on ). I am finding this forum very helpful. An amazing new world for me. Still in the closet, by choice, for now. It seems to be the best avenue for now. Some things can't be fixed overnight. But i'm working on it every day~

[Lost]

On 22.08.2017 at 0:45 PM, mich said:

 Still in the closet, by choice, for now. 

 

I'm in the closet by choice for about 6 years. Daily duties help me to not to think that much about situation I am in, but in the end I realize that I'm still in church.

 

I am a senstive person with a good reputation, I like the feeling of being save, community, I got used to meetings in church and life without all of it seems empty, although I know it's fascinating.

 

I'm convinced that in my case the need to depend on others and desire to be among people who are like a family comes from my childhood after my mum's death.

Since the day when she passed away, 8 years old ME wanted to feel save, so I started treated God as my protector and I had this hope in my heart that when I will be an adult I will be serving Him and find morally good people in church who will become kind of FAMILY for me.

 

I didn't expect that crisis of faith will haunt my life.

 

Yeah, and MUSIC (as you mentioned on your profile) helps me a lot and unfortunately MUSIC was always one of the reasons I couldn't give my whole life to the Lord. I don't know, every day I have to listen my favourite secular MUSIC mostly from 80's and 90's.

 

Singing only (or mostly) to worship God and listen to only Christian music seems to be boring for me. Maybe if I have faith in this whole Christian thing I could give up easily on secular music.

 

Anyway, I wish You mich all the best in your journey to peace and freedom. Hope that Your wounds will look much better with time or disappear completely.

[mich]

On 9/3/2017 at 8:54 AM, Lost said:

Yeah, and MUSIC (as you mentioned on your profile) helps me a lot and unfortunately MUSIC was always one of the reasons I couldn't give my whole life to the Lord. I don't know, every day I have to listen my favourite secular MUSIC mostly from 80's and 90's.

 

Music was actually one of the things that deepened my belief in the particular denomination that was a part of for all these years.. I remember visiting the church and when they started singing, i thought 'wow, it sounds like it comes from the heart'. It was beautiful....beautifully deceptive.....it did come from the heart... many sincere people... just deceived. Children get happy over Santa clause too.... Anyway, my current happy secular music makes me feel good. It's part of my daily therapy, lol. 

 

On 9/3/2017 at 8:54 AM, Lost said:

I wish You mich all the best in your journey to peace and freedom. Hope that Your wounds will look much better with time or disappear completely.

 

Thank you very much, Lost~

 

 

[concerned agnostic]

I am so sorry for your loss -- I can't even imagine...

 

I, too, have been where you once were -- handing it over to "God" because that is what we were told to do. While my losses have not been as great as yours for doing that very thing, I lost a lot by trying to abide by that taught fallacy. 

 

I wish someone had told me the truth as well. 

[Scugnizzo]

On 8/10/2017 at 2:25 PM, Geezer said:

 

 Your story is so sad it's difficult to read it. I am so sorry for all you have had to endure. Religion promises much but fails to deliver on those promises.  Religion also preys on troubled people who are the most vulnerable. I'm glad you found this site & that it benefits you in your search for answers. 

I've been there...not exactly like you, but in similar situations hearing the same trite quotes that are supposed to make things all better and they don't. Hang in there and do your best during your difficult situation. I'm sorry you had to endure such suffering. May your life be better and may you find a ray of happiness and peace in the midst of great suffering. Blessings.