LovelyChantel

Very Long and Triggering : Chantel's Story

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I was born in the 90's in the USA, twelve years after my older sister, who is disabled and has several mental issues. At one point in my adult life, my sister and I spoke in length about our abuse. At that time, I was considering doing a “no contact” with my parents. For those who don’t understand a “no contact”, this would mean I was to completely cut them off in order to preserve my mental health. Yet, speaking with my sister, I felt that I had to be careful, as she had a pattern of being in the position of “informant” for my mother. She was most often a puppet for my parents, doing as they wished and always trying to please them.   
    At the time my sister and I spoke so candidly about our abuse, we made a pact that we would not talk to our parents about it until I was ready. Later, I was to find out, that my sister had told my mother everything, including the details of my torture. My mother told my sister I was embellishing and lying. My sister told me she didn’t know who or what to believe. To this day, I cannot forget our conversations and the deeply traumatic recalling of how she endured night terrors of our father taking her into the church bathroom to viciously belt her. Even her voice changed as she told me this story, becoming almost childlike in her recall. My sister vied deeply for my parents’ love, even to the point of denying both of our childhood tortures. 
    My sister and I were often pitted against each other in many ways, such as withholding truth and twisting stories by my mother and father. The triangulation to keep us from talking made more sense to me, when my sister shared about her dreams and her own abuse. I understood why our parents never really wanted us to be close. They were afraid it would give us the opportunity to match stories, but even when we did, my sister ended up taking the side of our parents. I was left to stand alone, a solitary voice, trying to figure out why I had endured so much pain. 
I spent part of my childhood at my grandparents' home. Unfortunately for me, this environment was also abusive, confirming to me now, that the abuse I endured was, indeed, generational. My grandfather on my father’s side was a military man. I never got to meet my paternal grandfather, as he died before I was born. Because I was an at risk infant, I was in the hospital for a while before being released to go home. The man I would end up calling Grandpa was my step-grandfather. He was a horrifically mentally and verbally abusive man.      
My father worked on an assembly line building farming equipment. My mother was a nurse who also came from a military family through my uncles and other family members. My family only moved twice. I recall once, going with my mother to look at a house when my parents briefly separated when I was quite young. They were both part of the Assemblies of God churches for a long time before I was born. The religion they followed mirrored that of the typical, fundamentalist Pentecostal Christian household. This was my life from birth until the age of twenty-one. 
        
         After attending about 25-50 churches, all seemingly different denominations, I lost count.  Regardless, my parents’ consistent fall back religion was Pentecostalism.  Being Pentecostal consisted of constant ritual.  Not only was my life at home a strict regimen of religious adherence, the rituals of the Pentecostal belief system were brutal for me as a child. The churches practiced the "laying on of hands", which consisted of multiple people putting their hands on a subject's body and speaking in a language they called "tongues". To understand what tongues sound like I suggest that you go to YouTube, search “speaking in tongues” and view examples of this ritual. I was what they called, “being slain in the spirit”.  This meant that I was being filled with the Holy Spirit, a loving entity that would rid me of evil and cure me of the demonic oppression and influence that they had convinced me of. 
In one of my memories, a female Prophet (one of many prophets both male and female) had visited. After she finished her sermon, she did an altar call for anyone to come up to the front of the room. I don’t remember if she called to me directly or if I went willingly, as if called by God, but she embraced me and then put her hand on my forehead. A few more people gathered and placed their hands on my body. Other people gathered around, creating another layer, placing their hands on the people in front of them. Soon, I was in the middle of the bulk of the congregation. Other people were running around chanting and yelling, some were weeping and some were laughing and singing. Some of them were carrying flags with symbols and running through the room. There were other people in small circles being prayed for as well. My body felt trapped inside of the herd. I felt claustrophobic and violated. I felt my mind begin to float away from my body much like it does when I dissociate. Suddenly, I woke up on the sanctuary floor, my body shaking. It was as if the Prophet had infused the Holy Spirit into my forehead so intensely that it struck me to the floor. It felt like I had been taken over and had blank space in my memory. I looked around and saw that other people had also been “slain in the spirit” as well.    
         I had horrific nightmares. I would lay in bed awake for hours at night praying and pleading with God to please not let Satan take me. Because of the extreme nature of the fear and torture I was experiencing, I became adept at dissociating away from my body. I was often threatened with eternal torment in a place called "Hell". I was told that I could lose my salvation and be damned. Yet, in those same breaths, I was also told how much God loved me. I could not make sense of anything around me.  Many days were filled with fear, uncertainty and no safe place for me. 
         These methods of mind games and different techniques are often purposefully used to brainwash a human being. This type of ritual is most seen in cults and mind control type settings. These rituals and methods of teaching a child or an adult that they are both nothing and special all in the same sentence are the main tool of the Narcissist. There was gossip, deceit, and trickery everywhere in my environment. I never knew who I could fully trust. 
           Additionally, I attended a private Christian school from kindergarten until I graduated high school. Because the school was private, they were not required to adhere to the curriculum or child safety rules as public schools. In private school, abuse was constant. Since the belief systems were the same, they used the same methodology of punishment. Solitary confinement in a small closet until I lost track of time for days, physical abuse, severe mental and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, public shaming and humiliation, degrading remarks, inappropriate sexualization and touching, and isolation from other children and the outside world kept me inside of a bubble of fearful compliance. There were layers upon layers of cover-ups at that school. My mind was terrorized. I was often the focus of being targeted. I thought I was just the worst child in the school. In the beginning, I was a well-behaved child who merely daydreamed. My teachers called me “space cadet.” I believe at that time I was actually beginning to dissociate from life. Soon, I decided that since I was going to be in trouble anyways, I might as well give them a reason to punish me, so I began to act out. This at least gave me an answer as to why I was in trouble.  
         In my home life my father was a confusing man. He could be the most loving father (it was genuine) and also the most brutal. Since this was all going on at the same time as the abuse at church and school, I tend to remember these time periods as one, long bundle of abuse. My father taught me “games” that I eventually was conditioned to ask for and enjoy. I believed that I was born to please my father and make him happy, protect him, and please him at all costs. I also believed that once my father died I would have nothing left to live for therefore I would have to end my life after his. I was conditioned to be my father’s puppet by him directly and his immediate family as well. 
 He sadistically used nerve shock torture to send neurological/electrical type currents through my body. He enjoyed a ritual of tendon and ligament manipulation where he pressed deeply into trigger points on my body. He would pull the tendon away from the muscle, grinding and twisting it between his fingers. He focused on the ones in my shoulders, my neck, behind my knees, and his favorite spot was the one between my leg and my vaginal lips. Sometimes he’d have one hand between my legs causing pain and tickling me at the same time to recreate a sensation of pain mixed with pleasure. Due to the sensual area he was touching my body would respond at times even as a child.    
He also used tickle torture on me. His name for this “game” was ‘See How Long You Can Take It’. He instructed me that I was to "be a doll/robot" as he tickled me. He would use his finger tips and very light breath along with his whiskers to tickle me all over my body and in the most sensitive of places. My memory is fuzzy and there are blank spots but in this one specific instance it seems I might have been naked or just in my underwear but I cannot be sure due to the fragmentation of the memory. It is just a general sense or feeling I get from this partial memory that I may have been naked. During these sessions I was not supposed to make any noise or laugh, take any sharp breaths, or make any movements of any kind at all. If I did, his tickle torture session would begin all over again and each session grew with intensity.  
         Sexual abuse was also a part of my father's sadistic leanings. I don’t feel I need to go into too much detail here for it to be understood what I may have endured through grooming, groping and more. But I will say that he enjoyed humiliating me by making comments about my undeveloped breasts and buttocks. He would chase me around the house yelling “Boobies, boobies, boobies!” pretending he was going to pinch them. He would slap and pinch my buttocks and try to get me to kiss him and he would pin me down. These types of violations occurred frequently. Often my mother would be in another room and would holler at us to stop “horsing around.” Sometimes I wonder if she knew and chose to be oblivious, but I may never have that answer. 
Contortion torture was another form of abuse my father doled out on me. He would purposely bend my joints the incorrect way. He utilized language techniques to mentally program my mind as he sexually abused me and physically tortured me. He would rip open the shower current and throw ice water on me randomly as I was bathing or showering so I was always very hyper-vigilant as I didn’t know when to expect it. He and my mother both would wake me up from sleeping by pouring water over my face until I felt that I was drowning. I can recall the lights being flashed on and off rapidly. My mother and father would yell at me to get up for the day. They told me they used the water and lights to wake me up, stating I was a heavy sleeper. Sometimes they would be laughing at me at the same time.  
My father also very frequently liked to play a “game” he called “Indian Torture” in which he would essentially perform a sternal rub on me. If you don’t know what a sternal rub is it is used by paramedics and doctors to assess the level of consciousness in unconsciousness patients by applying what they call a “pain stimulus” by rubbing the knuckles on the unconscious patient’s chest vigorously. But if you are fully awake and aware this is excruciatingly painful to bear. 
He would also pull my fingers apart until it felt as if the skin between them would rip. He would instruct me to stick out my tongue; I complied like always as I was conditioned to do all that he asked of me, no question. In fact, it never occurred to me that I could say “no”. Once I stuck out my tongue he would get a towel and grab a hold of my tongue so it wouldn’t slip away and then he would pull until it felt like my tongue would rip out of my mouth. I would scream. I would shriek. The pain was so intense. He would laugh so hard. Sometimes he would walk around the house with my tongue in between his fingers and I could do nothing but follow as the pain and ripping sensation was too much bear. 
    My father's “games” induced severe mind-blowing pain. Yet, as an adult, I can look back and see that my body scientifically responded to the simultaneous torture and tickling and caused sexual arousal at times. I had no control over it. As an adult, this resulted in great confusion and shame inside of me for feeling any type of enjoyment, even though it wasn’t my fault. At times he whispered into my ear how much he loved me. He would call me "daddy's little girl". All of this verbal manipulation was done while he tortured me. His games included a mix of love, pain and pleasure happening all at once. 
Not only did my father enact torture on me, but he allowed me to have pets that he could abuse and encouraged me to do the same. I complied with his conditioning, something that plagues me to this day, due to having flashbacks and mental images. He utilized the same method of mixed love and pain on my pets, mimicking the abuse he doled out on me. This kept me in constant states of worry, fear and most often dissociation as my mind worked overtime, attempting to protect me from the torturous environments.   
    I have some blank gaps so I am unsure of whether the sexual abuse my father enacted on me went further than the torturous grooming and tickle/torture sessions. I struggle with not having those answers and accepting that I may never have them. As I write out my truth, acceptance and sadness of this reality washes over me. I know I am not to blame. I was the victim of people who adhered to sadistic, religious ritual practices. Yet, at times, the self-blame emerges. The voice of my father has become my adult inner voice. 
     My mother was jealous of my father and me. She projected this jealousy onto me, joining my father in being sexually inappropriate with and around me. One example would be that my mother would walk around the house nude and rub herself on her private parts and breasts in a nonchalant way which made me highly uncomfortable as I grew into puberty. She had me shower with her, and both my father and mother bathed me instead of teaching me to bathe myself until I was well old enough to do so.  She also physically and mentally abused me at times. Both of my parents exuded narcissistic behaviors.  
    My father was a drinker and sleep-aid user. He would say often that he didn't remember hours of his day when he took the pills and drank alcohol together. One night when I was 20 or so, he physically assaulted me and was sexually inappropriate with me while he was under the influence. I had to hit him in the head multiple times to get him to stop. A few years later, when I confronted him about it, he alleged he had no recollection of such incident. I reminded him he had been drinking and had taken a sleeping pill. Sometimes he used Bible verses to justify the abuse. At times, Bible verses were quoted as I was being punished with the belt until I dissociated when I was a child.   
    During this conversation when I confronted my father, I listened to him go from denial as he changed and kept changing his story. Finally, after I continued being persistent and gave him explicit details, he broke down and told me he was sorry. He said I was killing him, and then he hung up on me. I tried calling him back, but he would not answer. I then called my mother. I told her I was afraid that my father was going to hurt himself. I asked her if she would call him, since he wouldn’t answer my calls.  
    “What did you do to him?” She demanded. 
I explained to her that I confronted him about my abuse, that he was upset and asked her again to call him. There was a long pause on her end.  
“I’m at work and don’t have time to be bothered with all of this.” She retorted as she hung up the phone.  
I stared into the receiver, shocked and helpless. Later, she called me back to tell me how upset my father was. She then proceeded to tell me how much I had succeeded this time in hurting my father so terribly. I listened as she told me they both believed I was lying. It would be a couple of months before I spoke to my mother or father again after that phone call.     
    My childhood abuse has had an astronomic effect on me. I endure flashbacks and complex PTSD as well as an eating disorder and fibromyalgia. I fight sleep to avoid nightmares where I see myself burning alive in hell. I am hyper-vigilant about being followed, and I often feel as though I cannot escape. 
     My capacity to develop my own spirituality as an adult has been severely hindered due to having a constant, tangible fear which lingers inside of me. Being an abused child left me with mental health and physical disorders. I have severe body somatic pain which can’t be associated with any one specific physical injury, leading doctors to connect my body pain to the reality of body memories.  
    Body memories are caused by trauma settling into our cells. Therefore, the body manifests the abuse on a daily basis, causing severe genital pain, joint and tendon pain, neuropathy that shoots nerve pain through me. The nerve pain mimics the shock rituals performed on me as a child. 
     My parents had their own favorite phrases. 
    "You're treading on dangerous ground."
    "You're on thin ice."
    "God is watching you."
    "Satan is everywhere, waiting." 

They still use these phrases in conversations with me at times, eliciting a severe post-traumatic response where I begin to feel myself dissociating from the conversation, triggered back to these phrases being used on me during my childhood abuse.   
      The confusion still runs deep in me because life wasn't ALL bad. Many times my parents were very loving and I was happy. Because there was so much pain and love mixed together, I never developed an identity of my own. My identity belonged to my abusers. Now, I am struggling to figure out my own identify, who I was in the womb, before I was born into a childhood of abuse and confusion. I am sifting through broken pieces to integrate them so I can get to know who I really am.
    Did I gain anything positive from my experiences? Yes - I have a great capacity to understand others who have experienced torture.  I know that as I continue to work through the aftermath of my own abuse, I will continue to grow and be a strong support for my fellow survivors. 
     I don't know if I'll even understand why I was tortured, except to understand mind control on a level so deep, a parent believes a religion justifies the abuse of their child. I want to know who trained my father to utilize such specific torture methods on my muscles and limbs. There are so many questions that leave tangled pieces in my mind. As a child my mind fragmented into “pieces or aspects” in attempt to endure what I was being put through however they have more or less integrated now. I wish my parents knew how much accountability and truth would change the course of each of my days.  I wonder if my paternal grandfather learned these torture methods while serving in the military, and in turn, used them on my father. Again, I may never have these answers.  
    And so, I must stand inside of radical acceptance and continue creating who I truly am. 
 

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padgemi    48
1 hour ago, LovelyChantel said:

 I fight sleep to avoid nightmares where I see myself burning alive in hell.

 

Well I think I'll never be cheerful again.

 

@LovelyChantel you're not going to burn alive in hell.  YOU ALREADY HAVE!!!  No hell some imaginary god could create will ever match the one described above.  And the fact that an entire church of so-called-believers actually facilitated this HELL should motivate anyone on this site still harboring hope for Christ to ask themselves "is Jesus AWOL on this planet or just a flat-out deserter?"  Holy Spirit my ass.  Sounds more like the other kind of spirits if you ask me.

 

I'll not go into detail about my opinion of your parents, but I think some "zipcode therapy" would be smart.  As in: you can love them more efficiently from a distant zip code or in your case, ANOTHER STATE.  Another CONTINENT might be all the better.  Hope your sister considers the same.  I'm glad you have a friend helping you.  He damn well better be good to you.  Promise you'll let us know if that don't pan out?

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6 minutes ago, padgemi said:

 

Well I think I'll never be cheerful again.

 

@LovelyChantel you're not going to burn alive in hell.  YOU ALREADY HAVE!!!  No hell some imaginary god could create will ever match the one described above.  And the fact that an entire church of so-called-believers actually facilitated this HELL should motivate anyone on this site still harboring hope for Christ to ask themselves "is Jesus AWOL on this planet or just a flat-out deserter?"  Holy Spirit my ass.  Sounds more like the other kind of spirits if you ask me.

 

I'll not go into detail about my opinion of your parents, but I think some "zipcode therapy" would be smart.  As in: you can love them more efficiently from a distant zip code or in your case, ANOTHER STATE.  Another CONTINENT might be all the better.  Hope your sister considers the same.  I'm glad you have a friend helping you.  He damn well better be good to you.  Promise you'll let us know if that don't pan out?

Thank you for the reply. It truly wasn't all bad. I make it sound so awful. There were many good people. And my parents were also VERY loving almost always and it was genuine. But they also did a lot of confusing things.. I truly don't think they knew they were being abusive or inappropriate. But I talk minimally to them. But have started training contact. I miss them very much and they love me a lot. It's nothing like when I was younger. It's better now. I mean kind of. It's confusing as the love was mixed in and genuine. So it all gets a bit fuzzy. 

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yunea    631

The warmest welcome to you Chantel. 

 

You really went through hell on Earth, in your very own home, created by the very people who should have done their best to protect you from harm. I am surprised, and of course very glad, that you have gotten out alive and capable of telling your story.

 

I have a fragmented, dissociated mind as well from a difficult, unsafe & unpredictable childhood, so I relate to a lot of your story in that sense too. 

 

Virtual hugs from a stranger. I hope to see you writing more.

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padgemi    48

I'm glad @yuneaprovided the kindness and support I neglected in my rage above. I shall endeavor to follow suit going forward.

 

I do have childhood trauma in my portfolio, but not to the extent described above.

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9 hours ago, yunea said:

The warmest welcome to you Chantel. 

 

You really went through hell on Earth, in your very own home, created by the very people who should have done their best to protect you from harm. I am surprised, and of course very glad, that you have gotten out alive and capable of telling your story.

 

I have a fragmented, dissociated mind as well from a difficult, unsafe & unpredictable childhood, so I relate to a lot of your story in that sense too. 

 

Virtual hugs from a stranger. I hope to see you writing more.

All the support and love to you. 

Thanks for the support and reply. 

 

4 hours ago, padgemi said:

I'm glad @yuneaprovided the kindness and support I neglected in my rage above. I shall endeavor to follow suit going forward.

 

I do have childhood trauma in my portfolio, but not to the extent described above.

Thanks for the continued support. 

 

It's interesting as my dad was my best friend. Like the loving connection we had for each other was very intense and deep. He took me hunting and thatwas what our world revolved around. It truly wasn't all bad. I love my parents very much and they truly love me and provided a lot of safe and loving space as well. They had abusive upbringing too and I don't think they realized it was wrong. Because for example, the games were truly just games. But tbey were at times excrutiatung. And I ASKED to play them. I would laugh and enjoy them, at least a part of me would. I loved playing the games but the pain also hurt really bad. As I got older I didn't like them as much. As I got older I didn't like the odd relationships as much. 

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sdelsolray    1,757

Your parents are sewage.  Put them behind you as soon as you can.  Invest time with a secular therapist and support groups of your choosing.  Take care of your older sister as best you can.  You have a tough road ahead of you. Good luck.

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As a Calvinist, I already knew Pentecostalism was garbage but I congratulate your departure from the faith. As an ex-Calvinist pantheist, we have both made this journey in different ways, and I will accept you as you come out of the Pentecostal shell you once wore.

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yunea    631
16 hours ago, LovelyChantel said:

It's interesting as my dad was my best friend. Like the loving connection we had for each other was very intense and deep. He took me hunting and thatwas what our world revolved around. It truly wasn't all bad. I love my parents very much and they truly love me and provided a lot of safe and loving space as well. They had abusive upbringing too and I don't think they realized it was wrong. Because for example, the games were truly just games. But tbey were at times excrutiatung. And I ASKED to play them. I would laugh and enjoy them, at least a part of me would. I loved playing the games but the pain also hurt really bad. As I got older I didn't like them as much. As I got older I didn't like the odd relationships as much. 

 

So you asked to join in what you had learned is actually love, gets you attention, and just is the right thing to do. You only did what you had been taught (conditioned, brainwashed) to do, and some things you learned to like so you'd feel more right about it. Our minds have their weird ways of making things seem "right" to us so we can continue living with the abusers we depend on. It doesn't mean you're in any way responsible for them crossing your borders. It is never the child's fault.  

 

I think the families where things aren't "all bad" (as in, things are an unpredictable mix of good, even very good, and extremely horrible) create the most confused, broken children with a lot of guilt about the often needed no contact rule. It's much easier to leave someone behind who has never mattered that much, never brought that much good to your life. 

 

16 hours ago, LovelyChantel said:

All the support and love to you. 

Thanks for the support and reply. 

Thanks, Chantel.

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22 hours ago, sdelsolray said:

Your parents are sewage.  Put them behind you as soon as you can.  Invest time with a secular therapist and support groups of your choosing.  Take care of your older sister as best you can.  You have a tough road ahead of you. Good luck.

Well, I know I painted them out to be awful but for the most part (very often) tbey were absolutely the best parents I could ask for - loving, attentive, caring. So its really confusing. Theyare not all bad and not all good. I'm trying to get out of black and white thinking. 

 

21 hours ago, bobzilla_inator said:

As a Calvinist, I already knew Pentecostalism was garbage but I congratulate your departure from the faith. As an ex-Calvinist pantheist, we have both made this journey in different ways, and I will accept you as you come out of the Pentecostal shell you once wore.

 Thank you. Yes the Pentecostal and Charismatic sect was very damaging. I did for a time go to some Calvinist churches too. It was very damaging and scarring. I went yo some really big churches and also one church as a small child that looking bavk now reminds me of one of those ass-backwards baptist snake handling churches, minus the snakes. But there were only like 10 people in tbis little tiny building and they would all be seizing on the ground and speaking in tongues in frenzies and touching me and trying to pray for me so I'd also speak in tongues. The whole place, even as a small child, gave me bad vibes. They also ran a daycare in this little building as it couldn't hold many people. 

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13 hours ago, yunea said:

 

So you asked to join in what you had learned is actually love, gets you attention, and just is the right thing to do. You only did what you had been taught (conditioned, brainwashed) to do, and some things you learned to like so you'd feel more right about it. Our minds have their weird ways of making things seem "right" to us so we can continue living with the abusers we depend on. It doesn't mean you're in any way responsible for them crossing your borders. It is never the child's fault.  

 

I think the families where things aren't "all bad" (as in, things are an unpredictable mix of good, even very good, and extremely horrible) create the most confused, broken children with a lot of guilt about the often needed no contact rule. It's much easier to leave someone behind who has never mattered that much, never brought that much good to your life. 

 

Thanks, Chantel.

 

Well, I genuinely LOVED my dad. We were absolute best friends. But it was very enmeshed and role reversed (a lot of times I was the parent to him). We hunted together and had amazing genuinely loving times. And I have to give them credit for that. He's not evil. I feel bad painting in the light that I did. 

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3 minutes ago, LovelyChantel said:

Well, I know I painted them out to be awful but for the most part (very often) tbey were absolutely the best parents I could ask for - loving, attentive, caring. So its really confusing. Theyare not all bad and not all good. I'm trying to get out of black and white thinking. 

 

 Thank you. Yes the Pentecostal and Charismatic sect was very damaging. I did for a time go to some Calvinist churches too. It was very damaging and scarring. I went yo some really big churches and also one church as a small child that looking bavk now reminds me of one of those ass-backwards baptist snake handling churches, minus the snakes. But there were only like 10 people in tbis little tiny building and they would all be seizing on the ground and speaking in tongues in frenzies and touching me and trying to pray for me so I'd also speak in tongues. The whole place, even as a small child, gave me bad vibes. They also ran a daycare in this little building as it couldn't hold many people.

 

I know right, ugh... Calvinists are cold and Pentecostals/Charismatics are wacko.

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Just now, LovelyChantel said:

 

Well, I genuinely LOVED my dad. We were absolute best friends. But it was very enmeshed and role reversed (a lot of times I was the parent to him). We hunted together and had amazing genuinely loving times. And I have to give them credit for that. He's not evil. I feel bad painting in the light that I did. 

 

My Mom, same way, except she parents me, of course. She's been great despite her shortcomings.

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Margee    3,589
55 minutes ago, LovelyChantel said:

Well, I know I painted them out to be awful but for the most part (very often) tbey were absolutely the best parents I could ask for - loving, attentive, caring. So its really confusing. Theyare not all bad and not all good. I'm trying to get out of black and white thinking. 

 

 

3

Chantel my love. Welcome to Ex-c. I just read your story. Thank you for being so open,  honest and vulnerable sharing your life with us. I'm so sorry you went through such dysfunction and had to at the hands such confusing and abusive behaviors.

 

You're going to make it. I can see that. One thing that I learned coming out of all the religious bullshit (and dysfunction in our own family growing up) was that we humans are just animals. Animals. Some human animals are better than others. Some human animals have a better conscience. Humans animals are givers and takers. You have to be a very aware and always on the lookout to see who is fake and who is true. Keep your eyes peeled and get around kind, loving people who are sincere. I have seen inside and outside of religion that every one of us human animals are dysfunctional in some way. (Although you may not get some to admit that.) I am not agreeing that just because we are animals, it gives humans the right to abuse in any shape or form. But if anyone in your life still chooses to abuse you at this stage because they don't have a good, healthy conscience, you get away and say to yourself, ''Never again''. 

 

The thing is...you made it. Now it is time to put up strong boundaries of what you will and won't allow in your life and stick to it. If you feel someone is going to hurt you....get away from them and move towards people who show some kind of loving kindness. Do not allow anyone to abuse you ever again.

I'm so glad you are here with us!

 

You're going to come through this. I can tell. Stay here with us and we will give you all the encouragement we can to help you form a new world view.

 

Big (hug)

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13 minutes ago, Margee said:

Chantel my love. Welcome to Ex-c. I just read your story. Thank you for being so open,  honest and vulnerable sharing your life with us. I'm so sorry you went through such dysfunction and had to at the hands such confusing and abusive behaviors.

 

You're going to make it. I can see that. One thing that I learned coming out of all the religious bullshit (and dysfunction in our own family growing up) was that we humans are just animals. Animals. Some human animals are better than others. Some human animals have a better conscience. Humans animals are givers and takers. You have to be a very aware and always on the lookout to see who is fake and who is true. Keep your eyes peeled and get around kind, loving people who are sincere. I have seen inside and outside of religion that every one of us human animals are dysfunctional in some way. (Although you may not get some to admit that.) I am not agreeing that just because we are animals, it gives humans the right to abuse in any shape or form. But if anyone in your life still chooses to abuse you at this stage because they don't have a good, healthy conscience, you get away and say to yourself, ''Never again''. 

 

The thing is...you made it. Now it is time to put up strong boundaries of what you will and won't allow in your life and stick to it. If you feel someone is going to hurt you....get away from them and move towards people who show some kind of loving kindness. Do not allow anyone to abuse you ever again.

I'm so glad you are here with us!

 

You're going to come through this. I can tell. Stay here with us and we will give you all the encouragement we can to help you form a new world view.

 

Big (hug)

Thank you so much. It means a lot, truly. You're right.  I just have a poor sense when it comes to protecting myself. But I'm getting better I think. 

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On 9/10/2017 at 11:30 PM, padgemi said:

 

Well I think I'll never be cheerful again.

 

@LovelyChantel you're not going to burn alive in hell.  YOU ALREADY HAVE!!!  No hell some imaginary god could create will ever match the one described above.  And the fact that an entire church of so-called-believers actually facilitated this HELL should motivate anyone on this site still harboring hope for Christ to ask themselves "is Jesus AWOL on this planet or just a flat-out deserter?"  Holy Spirit my ass.  Sounds more like the other kind of spirits if you ask me.

 

I'll not go into detail about my opinion of your parents, but I think some "zipcode therapy" would be smart.  As in: you can love them more efficiently from a distant zip code or in your case, ANOTHER STATE.  Another CONTINENT might be all the better.  Hope your sister considers the same.  I'm glad you have a friend helping you.  He damn well better be good to you.  Promise you'll let us know if that don't pan out?

Also, it's very sad... my sister is 40 years old, completely blind and lives for.my parents. They really did a doozey on us but especially her. It's so sad. She's stuck and can't get out, she doesn't want to (from Xianity I mean). Anyway, she guilts me and triggers me whenever i see her and triggers me with messages from parents too. It's very, difficult. 

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yunea    631

Oh, I'm not questioning whether you loved your father. I too know from personal experience that it is possible to deeply love a parent that goes from super good to really scary. It doesn't mean you were responsible for the pain inflicted upon you. The adults were.

Hugs!

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On 9/12/2017 at 10:51 PM, LovelyChantel said:

Also, it's very sad... my sister is 40 years old, completely blind and lives for.my parents. They really did a doozey on us but especially her. It's so sad. She's stuck and can't get out, she doesn't want to (from Xianity I mean). Anyway, she guilts me and triggers me whenever i see her and triggers me with messages from parents too. It's very, difficult. 

 

You'd be welcome amongst my sisters for sure... this whole generation of my family has departed from the faith.

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10 minutes ago, bobzilla_inator said:

 

You'd be welcome amongst my sisters for sure... this whole generation of my family has departed from the faith.

That's great to hear! It's toxic. 

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1 minute ago, LovelyChantel said:

That's great to hear! It's toxic. 

And I was the last one to go, honestly... Just recently told Mom.

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♦ ficino ♦    1,697

LovelyChantel - I come from parental abuse as well, but nowhere near this level. As a stranger just reacting to reading what you wrote, I think you should stay away from your parents. There are a lot of twisted, abusive situations where there is also a form of love - that's what keeps them going. I think you are right to stay away and develop your own strength. It may not be a good time to be too closely involved with your sister's needs, if you get sucked back in. As on an airplane, you have to make sure your oxygen mask is on you correctly, and oxygen against years of this sort of abuse will probably take time to get flowing fully.

 

Big hugs, f

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54 minutes ago, ficino said:

LovelyChantel - I come from parental abuse as well, but nowhere near this level. As a stranger just reacting to reading what you wrote, I think you should stay away from your parents. There are a lot of twisted, abusive situations where there is also a form of love - that's what keeps them going. I think you are right to stay away and develop your own strength. It may not be a good time to be too closely involved with your sister's needs, if you get sucked back in. As on an airplane, you have to make sure your oxygen mask is on you correctly, and oxygen against years of this sort of abuse will probably take time to get flowing fully.

 

Big hugs, f

Thank you for the reply. Yes I distance myself quite a bit. When I do see them my mom amways cries and says I'm hurting them all so much. I'm sure I am.. I mean tbey truly love me so much... It's all very confusing... But my mental health is so f***ed and that flashbacks are really intense, leaving them doesn't stop those. I don't think anything will.. I'm angry and sad. Sorry for dumping. And thank you again. 

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