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LovelyChantel

Various Poetry By Chantel

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**Healing Under a Canopy**

 

Stroll through the shaded wood I must;
Liniment for a marred soul.
In love with the seclusion it offers;
I yearn for the peace it brings.
Amble about in nature's song
I stroll along to such sounds:
Singing birds, dinky feet on Forest's floor, water-a-trickling. 

 

Healing from a pain so deep
It threatens to crush my voice.
I rebel, fight back, scream, kick, cry.
I will not allow this.
You cannot have my soul. 
My past will not destroy me!
Your 'control' is merely an illusion.
I am no longer a child.

 

For I see the light.
It's above me, 
Filtering through the leaves. 
It streaks my face with gold.
I feel its warmth on my skin.
This is the color of confidence.
I give myself the permission.
I can heal.
No one else can have
Me.

 

I smile.
I laugh. 
I cry. 
I'm filled with joy. 
I am at peace. 

 

Up ahead, I see a bridge. 
I will cross it. 
I will burn it down.

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**Didn't Have a Chance** 

 

This confusion will not cease, 
You've broken me in many ways. 
Will I ever get any peace? 
Have you got nothing at all to say?

 

Did you think you were doing right by me? 

Did I even matter to you at all? 
I was just your scapegoat to sanity,
It didn't matter if it caused me to fall.

 

You took my heart for your own gain. 
You altered it in a cruel and sick way. 
Why can't it be you who feels this pain? 
Why must it be I who has to pay?

 

Do you know how damaged I feel inside? 
Can't you see my dirtiness now? 
This is why I have to hide, 
Continuing with you this unnatural vow.

 

You took advantage of my mind and age. 
You played the victim well for me.
Don't you know you forced me into an unseen cage? 
How was it that everything you did you could not see?

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Possible Trigger - Sexual Abuse 

 

**Porcupine No Longer**

 

Ashamed and frozen in fear, time stops.
Pretending to be asleep; staying very still... 
Lying and waiting, pretending it's all just a dream. 
NO! Get up! I have to do something!

SCREAM!
*Silence*... I don't make a sound. No one can know. Ashamed!
Eyes now scrunched up tight and fists form into balls.
Go into my mind. Pretend I am a porcupine. 
Can't touch me! Can't touch me! I am a porcupine!
Doesn't work...
Porcupine's quills have been plucked clean away! Exposed.
Body is a map whose lands have been plundered before.
Monster's fingers are legs, walking the map, exploring it all.
Monster is greedy: taking what is not his to take.
Too scary. So scary. Can't be happening. 
Dumb, wretched girl.
Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. Smile. I'm alright.
Tomorrow I'll pretend I don't remember what happened at night.

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Definite trigger for this one.

 

~Sadism~ 

 

I love you. 
Best friends. 
Loyal companions. 
Would have died 
For you. 
But you know 
That don't you? 
You created a 
Loyal bitch. 
All of you did. 
And I am 
Left with the 
Confusion,
Pain,
Agony,
Self-hatred. 
I've betrayed 
YOU. 
I've gone against 
Everything I was 
Taught. 
Lay down your child
On the bed. 
Naked, scared,
Excited!
Biting, pinching,
Pulling,
Killing,
Loving, laughing,
Raping. 
Rape of the mind. 
Is that real? 
We love you so much. 
No one understands 
Us like you. 
You're our doll. 
Dolly Dimples she said. 
But love was there. 
Love and pain 
Mixed creates 
The most loyal of 
Children and bitches. 
Who am I? 
What do I want? 
I don't know. 
Do you? 
You made me daddy. 
You liked my nakedness 
Didn't you. 
Throwing ice on it. 
Grabbing and pulling 
And pinching and 
Striking and screaming 
And laughing and 
Blinding and sickening 
And heaving and 
Dying. 
We love you. 
We always have. 
You were so 
Good to us. 

Written by myself: influenced by C.C., Rage, and Vixen from Inside

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I'm afraid.
I'm distraught.
My true desire;
What will become of me
If it doesn't come to pass?
Will I pass -
Without ever knowing or receiving?

 

And what of my memories? 
Will they fade away like my dusty bones?
I'm told to be patient.
One day I will know.
But that's no consolation.
I want my prize.
I want the pride of my being in my arms.

 

I'm tired of this hole,
I want my heart back. 
I want to feel it.  
My biggest fear - that I will never feel it.  
These tears stream fast and hard. 
A river flowing down, revealing.
I'm afraid.

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Poem about dissociation 

***The Mind of Someone Else***

 

*Story Teller*
How does one explain this?
Can you open your eyes and see?
Bad things happen in this world;
Things that should never be.
So stop a moment to gather
The thoughts inside your head.
Step on a different path of life
Of Someone Else instead.

 

*Someone Else*
How can I explain this?
Can I help you see?
I once was a smaller form;
A child with a desperate plea.
Fear enveloped being,
Wrapped in others hate;
Creating inside myself:
Rage. Guilt. Shame.
I grew up despite this,
Thinking I was free.
Living day-to-day
Surviving in a dream.
An alternate reality
Where Others took my place
Allowing me to survive the pain.
This was a gift of grace.

 

*Someone Else: Internal World*
Foggy void, voices heard
Drifting in, no more words
Space and time unravel, unwind:
Sitting behind the Third.
But once inside, I look out
At a new world and I watch birds.
Beings that are beautiful and true
Distractions from the reality
Of forced agony with you

 

*Someone Else: The Change*
Now I feel I can explain it.
Finally, I can see!
No longer a small child
But a woman who can be free!
Freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and rage.
All of those are from yesterday.
And admittedly still, I feel the pain
But it doesn't have to control Me today.
I can live out my life untarnished
With my Guide, my Love, and my Light unharnessed.

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**Never Be The Same**

 

Feeling at a loss for words 
Needing to speak the words that lack. 
Wanting to be free like the birds 
Flying away and never looking back.

 

Flying back in time before the tears 
Happy and without a care. 
Seeing she is now a hollow shell of fears 

Breaks her heart beyond repair.

 

Screaming just to hear her voice 
Lets her know she is still alive. 
Healing is her only real choice 
To do this she must take a dive.

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**Remorse**

 

I loved you so much; we were all hurt so bad. 
If you're reading this you might think I'm mad.
You hurt me, I hurt you, mean and harsh words were never few;
Everything was always so misconstrued.
As I'm lying here writing and thinking about what I saw,
Also I am thinking that it was partially my fault.
And I'm sorry for that; really I am.
Sometimes this feels like an awful scam.
I don't know, maybe it was all me.
Maybe I caused all of this pain and tension that won't cease.
It's just it was always so fucked up, every minute of every day.
It was such a bad feeling that never has gone away.
You didn't know how to show it; how to make it work.
And I am admitting that I was a jerk.
Sometimes this makes me crazy; it makes me want to scream!
So I am going to try and let go and tell you what I mean.
Right now I am going to tell you what I am feeling.
It's hard because I know that what I am about to do you probably won't.
I'm going to make amends here and now.
It's no joke.
Again I'll say it. 
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I love and forgive you; 
I really do.

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Have many more to come... All healing, some very happy, some dark

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