Christy

So much guilt...

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Christy    29

Hello. I just discovered this site a few days ago by chance. Thank you to its creators and to every active member. I'm so glad to be able to connect to this community. 

 

I was born and raised in Georgia. Right in the Bible Belt. From birth until about age 14, I attended a little Southern Baptist Church without even 50 members. Throughout my teens and into my early 20s, I changed to a Pentecostal church. I never considered myself to be of one denomination or another. I only ever referred to myself as a Christian and simply changed churches because of a racist incident at the baptist church. 

 

My parents took me to church nearly every Sunday and always sent me to VBS. Christianity was pounded into my head every chance they had. They never questioned our religion. I tried not to. I was made to feel like I should believe every word of the Bible and every word from the pastor and questioning or disagreeing with either was something you just didn't do. When disagreements or questions arose, I suppressed them. I tried hard not to think of them and worked diligently to pray my guilt away. 

 

All of my life, I never felt connected to God. This of course was my fault. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't pray enough. I wasn't good enough...etc, etc. I remember as a child being scared that I would go to hell because I never felt saved. I would go through the motions and come through the other side feeling guilty for the lack of change inside of me. Every church service ended with an alter call for the unsaved. This stressed me out. I would often fake a bathroom break when I noticed the sermon wrapping up so I could skip the guilt and nervousness that would follow. I would say the sinners prayer every Sunday to myself, in my seat. I wanted so badly to run to the front of the church, throw myself on the alter and beg God to please accept me. Why wouldn't he connect with me? Was I so bad? What was I doing wrong? 

 

If you've ever been to a Pentecostal church, then you know the emotional hype that hangs in the atmosphere. Countless times I would watch the congregation "experience God" and dance and sing and shout and run and speak in tongues and cry!! So much crying! All because they were feeling God move through them. I was alone in the room. I participated but it was forced. My tears fell for the lack of God that I felt and of course, more guilt because of it. 

 

Guilt not God was the only thing that ever moved me. 

 

From high school into early adulthood, I could not deny that I felt differently about homosexuality, abortion and how the world was created. I had always had a strong interest in science and psychology. If you have studied either, you can understand how both will make you question any religion. College was even worse! My religious beliefs were put to the test and they didn't hold up. I tried to go to church but it was so forced and I found it was easier to deal with my guilt outside of church. 

 

I finally began to allow myself to question my religion which led to questioning if God was even real. Once I started having children, I felt it my duty to raise them in the church, because not doing so was a sin, right? I would one day have to account for that, right? I tried to find a church to attend and I began to read my Bible. I wanted to read it from cover to cover. That wasn't a good idea. It led to more questions and disagreements. 

 

About two years ago I decided I would stop pursuing God/Jesus and Christianity. I was tired of the fight within myself and I had long been tired of the guilt. I wanted to be neutral and just see if God would come to me. I wanted to be a good little Christian. I wanted Gods approval. I was just so tired, I needed a break. 

 

Finally, last year, I was forced to face myself and my beliefs. I was forced to decide what was real. This may sound like the craziest thing but I have to thank Donald Trump for helping me see the truth. 

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(((Let me take a short pause for a good belly laugh 😂😂😂😂😂)))

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When I saw how many "Christians" supported and praised a man who was NOTHING like Jesus, who didn't even look like a Christian to me, someone who we should stand against.. it threw me for a loop to say the least. I was angry at the church for supporting him. My biggest problem is that he is racist and misogynistic. My husband is black and all three of our children are mixed. I have two daughter who I want to grow up expecting equality and nothing less than common respect. I am raising a son to treat women equally and respectfully in all situations. Needless to say, the whole Trump persona feels like a personal attack against my life. I felt hurt by those close to me or whom I considered friends because they were supporters of him and I felt like they were disgracing my religion. The religion I had worked so hard to follow. So many of the Christians that I knew walked closely with God, somehow didn't see how bad this man was. I had never heard from God but they had. They had that close relationship that I couldn't achieve. How come God didn't tell them not to support Trump? If Jesus was in their hearts, why didn't he move them to know the truth? I became mad at God and the whole idea of Christianity. We were supposed to be all about love. Jesus' greatest teaching was to love right? But here we are, the Christian community is supporting someone who hates other races. 

 

This year, I have taken a long hard look at the idea of Christianity and at what I've been taught to believe and what I feel and actually believe in my heart. The conclusion I've come to? I do not believe in any of it. I believe in science. I believe in humans. I believe in this world and in the universe and that is all. Christianity is a scam. The Bible is a bad fairy tale used to control us and warp our minds and our behaviors. I'm over it. Last week I sat down and cried as I admitted this to myself and felt the chains I've drug around fall off of me. The guilt has washed away. I feel a sense of freedom that I have never known. 

 

The night I found this website, I nervously, half-ass admitted to my husband that I did not believe any longer. I said "honey, I don't think I'm a Christian anymore..." He looked at me and said "yeah, I've had my doubts for a long time. I think there might be a higher power but it's nothing like what the Bible says". So we were both non-believers and I just fell in love with him all over again 😍!!

 

Until I hit "submit" on this post, he's the only one who knows. My parents would be heartbroken and probably drive the 10 hours between us right now to lay hands on me tonight! My mom is convinced that the world is about to end and Jesus is going to come back any moment. I hear an end of time speach every time we get on the phone and I know that telling her I don't believe would only cause her pain, stress and sadness. So, I will stay in the "closet" for now until I can grow some balls. I would love to just put it out there that I am done with religion, but I don't want to hurt her or hear her mouth. I don't really know how my friends or family will react. I hope they will accept me for not believing as I accept them for believing. Who knows. At least, in my own home, with my dear husband, I can be myself. As for my children, I just want them to live life. They can decide what they believe when they are old enough to analyze the world and whatever religions it can offer them at that time. 

 

Thanks for reading 🙂

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Cal    1

Christy,

 

Bless you for your honesty, and candidness. I read your testimony with tears in my eyes. And I'm not even a pentecostal, but a former baptist pastor!

 

You have just freshly come out, whereas my journey has been slightly longer--going on eleven years now. It was a joy reading your words.

 

May the creator bless you, and may you find what it is that you are seeking!

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Christy    29
10 minutes ago, Cal said:

Christy,

 

Bless you for your honesty, and candidness. I read your testimony with tears in my eyes. And I'm not even a pentecostal, but a former baptist pastor!

 

You have just freshly come out, whereas my journey has been slightly longer--going on eleven years now. It was a joy reading your words.

 

May the creator bless you, and may you find what it is that you are seeking!

Thank you Cal for your kind words ❤️ 🤗❤️🤗 Thank you for the love. 

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