Others disappointment over Your de-conversion

[Lost]

To be honest, I can't fully de-convert, because my church have no idea what I have in my head, they don't know that I don't know if God exists and so on.

 

I'm planning to come out to them in Summer 2018 in a letter, hope this time I will be brave enough to do it after about 7 years of being in Evangelical Church not really truly believing in it.

 

I don't understand myself, why I actually stepped into Evangelical Church not being fully convinced that  Christianity is true...but yeah in the beginning when someone discovers whole salvation only by faith thing and hear people's testimonies there is something in it that You can't simply pass by.

 

I think that it's going to be hard for people in my church to BELIEVE that for all this time (7 years) I wasn't fully convinced about Christianity, but I guess as in the case of marriage it happens that someone has doubts from the day of wedding or even earlier and later on when you are IN,  something changes and you discover simply- "it's not for me". Probably they will find it unbelievable that this shy, calm girl with angelic face and blonde hair could lie for SO long.

 

I was raised in a Catholic tradition and with this kind of "Catholic mentality"  it's hard to find yourself in a conservative Evangelical way of living.

 

I always had lots of respect for God first in Catholic Church and then in Evangelical Church (I liked the fact that he cares for me, I liked praying a lot), but I found it hard from the beginning to deal with people who want so badly to love You and befriend with You and hug You too much (espacially the ones that like You more than You actually like them). I found it hard to say all the time yes or agree when they were making weird asumptions about different things and hearing stereotypes about certain group of people.

 

I ADMIT, I found it hard to fully, without doubts give my whole life to Jesus Christ. I discovered that this kind of devotion and conservatism scares me to the bone!

 

Anyway, how You dealed with WHOLE disappointment of friends that really respected You and thought of You as their spiritual example in a Christian life?

 

How did You handle it personally especially if particular friendship was really important to You and You knew all secrets and struggles of Your friend?

[sdelsolray]

First, you should consider identifying how, and to what extent, the religious indoctrination, whatever flavor it may be, has affected you or still affects you.  Inventory those influences and effects in writing so you can refer to them later.

 

Second, develop a strategy to counteract that written list of influences and effects.  For example, study the history of Christianity, from adult, rational, dispassionate and secular sources.  Learn to distinguish between reality and Christian apologetics.  Study science, logic and rational thinking.  Listen to music.

 

Third, deal with the codependency you have developed with other humans who are infected with the same Christian God Virus that you are infected with.  Strategies include finding new acquaintances, avoiding them, telling them to fuck off and spending your time with other things.

 

Fourth, deal with any emotional and mental illnesses you may have by seeking help from secular mental health professionals.

 

Last, be patient.  It takes time to shake the nonsense and heal.

[ConsiderTheSource]

Timely topic, as I was "forced" to come out to one of our bestest, but total fundy, friends/couple last Sunday, telling them I have been a full non believer (atheist) for the last seven years.

 

It did not go well at all.  I ended up with sleep disturbance for the next four nights.  I did not want to hurt them, but, I got put in a position where I would of needed to lie to them to avoid it all.  It has now been nearly a week and it is a lot better.  I sought out the ear of a few trusted fellow travelers to "talk me down".  It is working.  Plus, lot if other helpful sourcea online.  It is now clear that what happen will be a long term benefit for me.

 

So, how does one deal with it?  Well, one just does.  Life is often messy.  Deal with it, then do whatever you need to repair and "feed" yourself.  

[★ Citsonga ★]

One interesting thing to consider: If nobody in the church detected that you weren't really a believer, then that proves that not a single one of them has the "gift of prophecy" or the "gift of discernment." So much for the "gifts of the Holy Spirit."

 

As far as dealing with believers, I tried not to make an issue out of it. (I actually had been a 100% convinced believer, though, unfortunately.) I didn't bring the topic up once I stopped believing, but I was honest when others did. Thankfully in my case I had moved away from my family, so it wasn't as difficult as it would've been if I'd still lived there.

 

All I can say is to take the advice already given above and just be as honest and thoughtful as you can. Good luck.

 

[Vigile]

My experience was that all those people I thought were my friends at church just disappeared real quick once I stopped going. I fully deconverted a while after I quit church, but my friends there proved they were not rainy day friends by any measure. Well, with the exception of one friend whom I still keep in touch with today. She also stopped going to church even though she's still a believer. She couldn't deal with the hypocrisy. I think there's a small lesson here. 

 

[Margee]

On 10/29/2017 at 7:30 PM, Lost said:

To be honest, I can't fully de-convert, because my church have no idea what I have in my head, they don't know that I don't know if God exists and so on.

 

I'm planning to come out to them in Summer 2018 in a letter, hope this time I will be brave enough to do it after about 7 years of being in Evangelical Church not really truly believing in it.

 

I don't understand myself, why I actually stepped into Evangelical Church not being fully convinced that  Christianity is true...but yeah in the beginning when someone discovers whole salvation only by faith thing and hear people's testimonies there is something in it that You can't simply pass by.

 

I think that it's going to be hard for people in my church to BELIEVE that for all this time (7 years) I wasn't fully convinced about Christianity, but I guess as in the case of marriage it happens that someone has doubts from the day of wedding or even earlier and later on when you are IN,  something changes and you discover simply- "it's not for me". Probably they will find it unbelievable that this shy, calm girl with angelic face and blonde hair could lie for SO long.

 

I was raised in a Catholic tradition and with this kind of "Catholic mentality"  it's hard to find yourself in a conservative Evangelical way of living.

 

I always had lots of respect for God first in Catholic Church and then in Evangelical Church (I liked the fact that he cares for me, I liked praying a lot), but I found it hard from the beginning to deal with people who want so badly to love You and befriend with You and hug You too much (espacially the ones that like You more than You actually like them). I found it hard to say all the time yes or agree when they were making weird asumptions about different things and hearing stereotypes about certain group of people.

 

I ADMIT, I found it hard to fully, without doubts give my whole life to Jesus Christ. I discovered that this kind of devotion and conservatism scares me to the bone!

 

Anyway, how You dealed with WHOLE disappointment of friends that really respected You and thought of You as their spiritual example in a Christian life?

 

How did You handle it personally especially if particular friendship was really important to You and You knew all secrets and struggles of Your friend?

 

Lost, I completely sympathize with you hun. It's so hard because the whole world seems to believe! This is the letter I sent to my pastor back in 2010. I never got a response from him.  None of my so-called friends called me. I still believed in jesus when I wrote this letter. I have changed my mind about a lot of things in the past 7 years since I've been on this board.

 

We're right here for you when you need the support. ((hug))

 

 

 

 

 

[R_Collins]

I hate to tell you this, but very few of those "friends" give a damn about you. Rather than speak about my own personal experience (which does support my previous statement), I will tell you about my grandmother's experience. Despite the fact that she continued to be a devout Christian, her church abandoned her when they could no longer use her. Read on.....

 

My grandmother was a member of the same conservative Christian church for most of her adult life. She was very active in her church - she worked in the nursery every Sunday morning for several decades, helped cook hundreds of church dinners, accompanied her children and grandchildren on dozens of church trips, etc. She always tithed, and often gave extra for missions and special offerings. 

 

Her service to her church ended abruptly at the age of 73, when she broke her back in a car accident. Afterwards, for the last 10 years of her life, she was homebound and could not go to church because of this injury and declining health due to old age. Her mind was just as sharp as ever, and her faith was just as strong, but her body wore out a little more every day. 

Near the end, when she was in hospice care, she decided to plan her own funeral. We were all surprised when her funeral plans completely excluded her church and everyone associated with it. When we asked her, she explained.

"For the past 10 years, NOT ONE person from my church has ever called me, come to visit me or sent me a note to tell me that they cared about me. Not one minister, not one deacon, not one of the church members who I worked with for all of those years and I thought were my friends. I worked very hard for them when they needed me, for many, many years. But when I needed them, they pretended that I didn't exist."

"There was only one exception. One time an Assistant Pastor came by, only stayed for ten minutes, and spent the whole time telling me to 'remember my church in my will'". 

 

That was my grandmother's experience with her church "friends". 

 

When I became an ex-Christian, I contacted three of my Christian friends who I felt were truly my friends. We all agreed that we wanted to continue to be friends. We are still good friends, despite our theological differences, now, over 35 years later. 

 

So, when you "come out" as an ex-Christian, you will learn who your true friends are. They will care about you no matter what you believe. Don't worry about the rest. Their "friendship" is not worth having. 

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I just came out to a friend from my old group from about 20 years ago. It went well. Others from that group don't know, and I don't really care if they do. If we do get together again, I will be completely open about who I am now, and why I deconverted. My wife is not willing to be subjected to questioning and such, she just wants to be herself away from judgment. I welcome honest interactions.

 

I did have a more sad experience with our Russian friends. Our only real connection was Jesus, and because of that connection my wife and I spent years with them becoming friends and spending many hours in their homes and church. We started out helping them with English and adjusting to American culture and bill paying, etc. I did talk to them directly about it once in their home, also at a wedding. The mama looked me right in the eye and asked questions. She wanted to see if I was hemming and hawing indicating I was in sin or something, but I looked directly back and told her that she would have no problem if a Muslim were to deconvert, but she was having an issue with a Christian doing it. She seemed satisfied that I wasn't doing this to indulge, but had made an honest decision. Still, not being with our friends anymore was difficult. I still regard them highly, and they noted one year that they gathered around the table and recounted how many ways we had helped them, and knew that God would not forget our kindness to them. I do miss them, but we really have a different path in life now.