Madwoman

[Venividivici]

Hello, 

I'm happy that I found this place. When I was a little girl I was sent to a catholic Kindergarden. A nun was there to teach the Christian religion to us kids. I learned about god, Adam and Eve, Moses, Jonah, Jesus and, most important for my further demise I learned about Satan and hell, the place where the bad kids go and suffer eternal torture. I was extremely frightened back then. At the Kindergarden I painted pictures showing the devil and the hellfire just like children traumatized by war use to paint pictures showing people wounded and being killed by gunfire. To me as a kid Satan was real and caused me nightmares. 

When I grew up I still believed in god and Jesus though my family wasn't that religious. Later on as a young woman my faith was less strong. I did not pray nor did I follow the ten commandments and I eventually forgot about the religion I had been brought up in. In 2010 I had a burnout due to working way too much for several years. I went to a mental hospital and was diagnosed with burnout and paranoid schizophrenia. Since then I had to take some neuroleptic medication. The schizophrenia symptoms dissappeared and I stayed without symptoms for six years. Then one day the holy spirit came over me again and I wandered almost twelve miles on my bare feet over red traffic lights and into the next town where the police picked me up. They brought me to the police station from where I was taken to the mental hospital again. I spent the following days praying to Jesus from dusk till dawn. At night a very bad thing happened: I got a visit from Satan. He was nothing but a black shadow with horns and an evil, red glowing eye. I lay in my hospital bed paralyzed and totally shocked. This hallucination lasted for just a few minutes perhaps but for me it was like an eternity. Totally scared I asked Jesus to help me. Then the meds kicked in and I fell asleep. After seven weeks I could leave the hospital. The schizophrenic symptoms where gone once again and haven't come back since then. 

The psychologist who treated me while I was at the hospital told me that almost all patients with paranoid schizophrenia become somewhat spiritual during their episodes and many fear god and eternal punishment in hell. One can see this in the art brut artworks they produce. The psychologist had no explanation for this phenomenon. I did some research on the internet and found a website in German where it is explained that the religious indoctrination causes a trauma in small children that later leads to paranoid schizophrenia when these children become adults. Not in all children but there are still enough of those victims of religious educational terror who have to split their minds to cope with the situation and become mentally ill. 

Threatening little children with eternal torture ... for them this is reality!!! 

This is how many of us are caught in the religious trap at a very young age. And the churches? They see nothing bad about it and go on with their malpractice. 

After finding out that Jesus never existed and is nothing but a fantasy figure I was relieved and still am. The christian nightmare has finally ended for me. Amen - this word comes from Amun Ra, the ancient egyptian sun god. It was stolen by the early Christians who also borrowed a lot of their folklore from Gaius Julius Caesar. 

 

 

[MOHO]

Welcome to the forum, @Venividivici.

 

Reading and posting here helps us cope - as you will soon find.

 

Of course this does not take the place of a good secular psychiatrist.

[Geezer]

Welcome, glad you found this site. I hope you will find it helpful. 

[LostinParis]

Hi @Venividivici,

 

Your story is errily similar to what my husband went through. He suffered a mental breakdown triggered by work stress, and was having panic attacks every night, paranoid that god was punishing him and that he was going to hell. He lost all touch with reality and was hospitalised with psychosis.

 

My husband was raised in a fundamentalist Orthodox Christian family. He was indoctrinated about hell before the age of reason. Unfortunately he won't acknowledge that he was manipulated into believing via the use of scare tactics. In my opinion this is one of the worst forms of injustice.

 

Could you please post a link to the German site you mentioned? I have been researching the link between religious indocrination and psychosis.

 

I wish you well as you untangle yourself from your childhood trauma and nonsense about hell.