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Last Goodbyes
By TheBluegrassSkeptic
Death for me over the years has rarely been difficult to process and move on. I've buried quite a few, only mourned a couple. The two I mourn are now memories I guard so earnestly a mother bear could not rival my ferocity. These two people immediately bring on the wet eyes and short tight breaths when I just so much as think on their lives, their influence, and my loss. This past January I experienced a third loss of someone very important in my life. It's hit me very hard, and I am surprise- 0 comments
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The recent Rapture prediction for September 23, 2023, ignited a whirlwind of emotions within me. As an ardent atheist, I approached the prediction with skepticism and rationality. However, lurking beneath the layers of disbelief were haunting memories of my traumatic childhood abuse and the desperation I once felt as a Christian child, yearning for confirmation of Christ's existence. This blog post explores the intricate tapestry of emotions where my adult self grapples with the collision of logic, the wounded inner child seeking hope, and the relentless quest for divine confirmation.
Atheism and the Citadel of Rationality
Deep within the recesses of my psyche lies the shadowy abyss of a traumatic childhood. As an innocent child, I endured unimaginable abuse and neglect. In the midst of this turmoil, I yearned for a savior—a divine presence to rescue me from the horrors that surrounded me. The idea of the Rapture, a divine event promising salvation, resonated deeply with the child who had once cried out for help but found only silence.
In the years that followed, I embarked on a journey of reason and enlightenment, leaving behind the comforts of religious faith. I embraced reason and enlightenment as guiding principles of my life. The quest for truth and understanding became paramount. I delved into the realms of science, philosophy, and critical thinking with an insatiable hunger for knowledge. It was as if I had discovered a treasure trove of wisdom that offered a clearer lens through which to view the world.
One of the most challenging aspects of this journey was leaving behind the comforts of religious faith. For years, faith had been a refuge, a source of solace in the face of life's uncertainties. It provided answers to questions I had dared not ask and offered a sense of belonging to a greater cosmic narrative. Letting go of these comforting illusions was like relinquishing a security blanket—a process fraught with doubt and apprehension.
Eventually, I found myself firmly grounded in atheism. It wasn't just a rejection of the supernatural; it was a profound shift in perspective. It was the realization that the universe, though vast and wondrous, did not require a divine hand to explain its mysteries. The natural world, with its intricate laws and processes, became a source of awe and wonder in its own right. Armed with the tools of skepticism, I examined religious claims with a discerning eye. Rapture predictions, in particular, came under scrutiny. I could now see the fallacies in the reasoning behind such predictions—the selective interpretation of ancient texts, the reliance on vague prophecies, and the pattern of unfulfilled promises throughout history. It was a process of intellectual liberation, a shedding of the shackles of dogma.
The Emotional Clash: Wrestling with Skepticism and Childhood Yearnings
The emotional clash that envelops me is like a relentless tug-of-war, a battle of belief systems and inner turmoil that plays out in the depths of my soul. It's a paradox that transcends time, where my rational adult self, fortified by the armor of skepticism, faces off against the vulnerable child self that we all experience in one form or another. In my case, it's still nursing the wounds of a painful past and craving something more profound than reason can provide.
On one side of this emotional battlefield stands my rational self, a sentinel of skepticism. I've armed myself with the tools of critical thinking and empirical evidence, and I'm fully cognizant of the absurdity of Rapture predictions and the seeming impossibility of divine intervention. The intellectual citadel I've built stands tall, defending me against the allure of fantastical beliefs. I can dissect the flawed logic and the lack of empirical support, and I see through the dubious claims of prophets and seers.
On the opposing side stands a wounded child, bearing the scars of unresolved conflict from decades ago. Her voice is just a small whisper but resonates with a powerfully poignant longing. She remembers a time when faith was a lifeline—a beacon of hope in a world shrouded in darkness. She recalls how, as a Christian child, she yearned for confirmation of Christ's existence, desperately seeking solace in the spiritual realm. In those formative years, I was like a spiritual detective, earnestly investigating the divine mysteries. I attended church services with fervor, clasped my hands in prayer with sincerity, and gazed skyward with anticipation, hoping for signs from above. Every small sign, every moment of spiritual connection, felt like a lifeline to my faith—a confirmation that Christ was indeed present. It was a quest for validation, a desperate plea for tangible evidence that my beliefs were grounded in reality.
However, as I grew older and began questioning my faith, those signs I had once fervently sought began to fade. The spiritual connections waned, and the unanswered questions multiplied. It was a tumultuous period marked by doubt and a sense of abandonment. In an act of defiance and desperation, I even went so far as to elicit Satan's punishment, for if one divine force existed, did not the other? This was a moment of crisis, an attempt to provoke a response from the spiritual realm, a last-ditch effort to find confirmation even in the face of disbelief.
This conflict, where the rational adult confronts the yearning child, is not easily resolved. It's a complex interplay of emotions, where skepticism and hope collide. The journey toward reconciliation involves acknowledging the significance of the inner child's yearnings and the depth of the quest for confirmation. It's about recognizing that the wounds of the past still echo in the present and that addressing them is a path toward inner peace and emotional harmony. Such struggles are a frequently heard testament to the enduring power of childhood beliefs and the profound impact of trauma. It's a reminder that the human psyche is a complex tapestry of experiences, and reconciling conflicting emotions requires compassion, introspection, and an understanding of the fragile balance between reason and longing.
Reconciliation through Self-Compassion
Navigating this tumultuous emotional terrain is akin to embarking on a profound journey of self-discovery, one that demands not only empathy but also deep introspection and self-compassion. It's a pilgrimage through the labyrinth of one's own psyche, where the echoes of the past reverberate in the present.
1. Acknowledging the Significance of Inner Child's Yearnings
To begin this journey, one must first come face to face with the significance of their inner child's yearnings. The ache for divine confirmation was not just a passing fancy for many of us; it was a desperate plea for reassurance during a time of vulnerability. Personally, in the midst of my tumultuous childhood, the concept of a loving deity and the hope of Christ's presence provided solace. It was a lifeline for a child who desperately needed something to hold onto, a glimmer of light in the darkness. Recognizing the depth of this need is essential to understanding the emotional complexities at play.
2. Extending Empathy to the Child Within
My childhood quest for divine confirmation was not born out of blind devotion but was, in fact, a sincere expression of faith. As a young believer, I attended church services with a fervor that only a child's heart can muster. I prayed earnestly, seeking guidance and connection. Every fleeting moment of spiritual communion felt like a confirmation of my faith, a validation of my belief in Christ's existence. It was an honest, heartfelt pursuit of the divine, driven by the innocence and purity of youth.
As we navigate this emotional terrain, it's imperative to extend empathy to your inner child. Whether it bears the scars of abuse and the yearnings for divine confirmation or was completely gaslighted and bred naivete, it deserves understanding and compassion. Instead of dismissing these emotions as irrational or inconsequential, acknowledge its validity. This inner child was, in many ways, a survivor—a resilient spirit who clung to hope amidst despair.
3. Addressing Lingering Emotional Wounds
To truly reconcile the conflicting emotions of the adult self and inner child, you can't let these emotional wounds linger. The scars of childhood trauma do not simply fade away with time; they require acknowledgment and healing. This journey involves seeking professional help, talking to trusted friends and confidants, and engaging in therapeutic practices that promote emotional well-being. It means recognizing that the wounds of the past can continue to influence the present and that addressing them is a step toward inner peace and emotional harmony.
The latest Rapture prediction of this month wasn't merely a matter of religious belief or skepticism. It unveiled a complex emotional landscape within me. As an atheist, I could dissect the prediction's irrationality, but the echoes of my Christian childhood and the desperate quest for divine confirmation were undeniable. This journey of self-discovery is a testament to the intricate interplay of emotions and the enduring power of past experiences to shape our present. It's a reminder that, even in the face of skepticism, the inner child still yearns for solace and confirmation, even if that confirmation lies beyond the boundaries of reason.
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She gave a speech today in which she basically rehashed all her old talking points: Obama is evil and probably not "really" American, lawmakers are all evil bastards, guns are awesome, down-home aw-shucks snowbilly Alaskan proverbs about dogsleds, she is very pretty, she has tits (no, really), she is still bitter about 2008, she still thinks teleprompters are evil (I assume because they involve reading), the Midwest is Jesus-land and Midwesterners are the awesomest people ever, reality TV is evil and politicians shouldn't emulate it and she very much hopes we've all forgotten she left politics to try to have one of her own, and she is willing to TAKE A BRAVE AND NOBLE STAND by drinking a Big Gulp RIGHT THERE on stage, etc. I'm still wondering if it was an SNL skit and the GOP is miffed we all missed the joke.What really struck me most is that a big part of her speech centered around how the GOP should forget facts, figures, statistics, and consultants and just keep doing what they "know" is right. By that presumably she means the GOP should continue to be anti-civil rights and anti-women's rights, to keep picking at the Separation Clause, to keep pushing gun rights on a society sick of gun crimes, and to keep denying science so the fundies won't feel too threatened, and oh yes, to keep pushing candidates who are too crazy to win elections. No, she thinks it's genuinely shameful that some Republicans are starting to speak out against the GOP's habit of running ultra-fundie candidates and that some think tanks and advisors are advising against it. She thinks think-tanks and DC advisors are evil too, incidentally. Of course, one such advisory council got her to the vice-presidency candidacy, but like her failed TV show, she's hoping we don't remember that either.
She still hasn't figured it out. Hell, the GOP in general still hasn't figured it out.
Subjective feelings do not substitute for objective facts. There's a reason why focus groups, advisors, think-tanks, and pollsters are used. They work--which is why pollsters knew like a year in advance that Obama was going to win. The GOP itself has a tendency to shoot its messengers when the objective facts don't mesh with their subjective wishes. That's why six months after the election they STILL don't really understand why they actually lost!
The GOP lost because people don't want what they're selling. Flinging shit harder at people won't make them open their mouths any more than flinging it gently did. Pandering to the Religious Right doesn't work. The solution is not to pander harder; the solution is to stop pandering. But the GOP hasn't heard the definition of insanity quite yet. They think there's a way to package racism, sexism, and theocracy in a way that will appeal to voters. Give 'em time; they're just now coming around to gay marriage. In 50 years they might be kind of okay with women in high office sometimes... IF they're married with kids, too dimwitted to be a real threat, very fundie, and also very hot.
And: Only an American redneck could ever think that eating and drinking junk food is a noble thing that should be made a point of at a major political rally. Sarah Palin's last big stand involved eating fast-food chicken sandwiches, for chrissakes. I'm all for boycotting businesses whose practices violate my own conscience, but JUNK FOOD? What, is this Nazi Germany and she's scared that if she doesn't stuff her face with sugar and fatty food that next "they" could come for her radishes? Way to go, Sarah Palin. You sure showed us evil lib'ruls by ingesting a sugar bomb on stage.
Her political showboating failed utterly; she just came off as a catty, not terribly bright, passive-aggressive soccer mom/ex-beauty queen type with an axe to grind and a desperate need for attention. It's just so sad that out of all the women in the GOP, *THIS* was what the GOP considers an ideal female politician. I don't think it's possible for the GOP to make clearer to America that they're terrified of women in power. I'm somewhere between absolutely disgusted and totally amused at this display of ignorance and fundie-pandering.
The silver lining: if the GOP still thinks she's a relevant political voice, then women's and gays' rights and the Separation Clause are perfectly safe for another election or so. We ex-Christians can breathe easily.
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Use Your Brains, People!
As a recent ex-christian (6 months sober), I am still waking up to the utter lunacy of the majority of our population. Even as a True Believer, when I saw things like this I was able to call bullshit. I would get aggravated by believers who seemed to check their brains at the door, and felt like they made the rest of us look bad. I feel like a self-righteous ass to admit that. But if you were to get them to admit it – there are many Christians who feel that way. Even though I kept more of my common sense intact than many other believers, I was still much more in the dark than I realized. I didn’t recognize the tremendous scope of absolute idiocy that resides in the majority of this country that I love so dearly. Now, don’t get me wrong. I believed in my share of poppycock! I bought into god’s supernatural intervention, I just tried to balance it with some sense of reason…which eventually led to the undoing of my faith.
What is so shocking to me now is the stuff I chose not to pay attention to. I chose to see my brothers and sisters in the faith as people who were good, god-loving and who would eventually “change the world”. Even though many of my fellow Christians may have been of a different religious stripe, I considered that we were all unified because of our belief in Christ. So when believers did bat-shit crazy things, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, it was “us” against the world.
Now that I’ve moved over to the “dark side”, I am able to more fully grasp the deficit of critical thinking skills that resides among believers. I must admit that as I sat and read through the comments on the above photo this morning, I was shocked. It’s not that I haven’t seen this sort of ignorance before among Christians. I guess it just sank in to a new level for me. Maybe for the first time I really let myself see these people as completely separate from me. I allowed myself to scorn them and their ignorance. I am just now getting to a point where I truly see this vast chasm between myself and my former Christian family.
I must admit that in a strange way this saddens me a little. I realize that I will never again be a part of that greater family. But that sadness is quickly followed by a sense of relief. I no longer have to check my brain at the door. I no longer have to feel like the odd person in the room and the only one asking questions and thinking rationally about things. And I’ve realized that leaving my faith doesn’t mean I have to be alone. I’ve discovered a whole world full of amazing people…people I never would have considered “friend material” as a Christian. I’m now part of a group of beautiful, loving, accepting heathens!
So, without further ado, here is the epic Facebook thread that pushed me over the edge this morning...
The caption for the photo above was "Click share if you see the angel and Jesus!". It originated from the "I Love Jesus" FB page (which you should never visit unless you want an ulcer!). This photo had over 1700 comments. The majority of them were people who seemed to ACTUALLY believe that someone ACTUALLY caught Jesus and an angel at the scene of this accident. Of course my first thoughts were the logical arguments, such as “If Jesus was there, why were these people in a near-fatal crash?”, and “If Jesus was there why did the EMT’s need to help the victims? Weren’t they instantly healed by Jesus?”
Nope. No one seemed to have the balls to ask those questions (or maybe the page administrator deleted such comments). As I read through them, I was amazed and appalled by the fact that most of the commenters didn’t show compassion for the injured people in the photo. Also, I did not see even ONE comment by someone thanking the EMT’s who were there (in real life!) to rescue the victims. And, surprisingly, most of them didn’t mention the very obvious ass-crack in the photo. No, they were all too busy giving praise to god for…um….letting these poor people get seriously injured or possibly killed?
Here’s a sampling of the comments…
The True BelieversTM:
"aye he goin to heaven now thats cray and scary!!" (WTF?!)
"amazing grace!"
"just what I needed!"
"wow! amazing!"
" One day, we will all have to give an answer to our maker. Amazing picture, thanks for sharing!
” (Sure, why not take this opportunity to proselytize?)"breathetaking!" (Why can't these people spell?!)
"gave me goosebumps!"
"they are always there when you need them!"
"why can't we just believe" (In response to those calling "photoshop")
"he's always there and loves when you talk to him"
"please send to my phone or fb wall" (Apparently this person does not understand how to share or send a photo. Shocking.)
"Beleving &Haveing faith" (Again with the spelling!)
"an ever present help in danger" (HOW is helping these victims?)
"amen. guess john sullivan does not know jesus" (John Sullivan commented with "nice photoshop", so I guess he deserves to go to hell?)
"padre eterno que tu anjel cuide mis hijos no nos desanpares telo pido con toda la fe dios mio." (No idea what this says, but I'm sure it's really stupid.)
"WOW! MAKES YOU BELIEVE" (No, it makes me ill.)
"De Javu" (Because you were once at the scene of a horrific accident accompanied by Jesus and an angel? Do you even know what déjà vu means? If so, maybe you could learn to spell it.)
As I skimmed through the comments I found a few made by people who may still have their brains intact. Only a small percentage of the 1700 seemed to understand this photo did not actually depict Jesus and an angel. This seriously makes me afraid for this country!
The Brave Naysayers:
"plumber's crack!" (This guy was one of only a few who caught that.)
"you people are retarted" (of course they misspelled retarted!)
"it's photoshop my friends"
"potato!" (LOL!)
"good graphic"
"you people are freaks" (Ahhh so refreshing.)
"amen to shitty photoshop!"
"photoshop and butt crack"
"hail satan" (This made me laugh! It actually got 11 likes!)
"science!" (LOVE this one.)
"So sad...
" (This was the ONLY comment I saw where someone seemed to actually understand what was really happening in this photo.)"awwwwwwwwwwwww im sorry that happed amen" (Well, this guy almost got it.)
And my comment:
“Maybe instead of ignorantly praising god for this photoshopped pic, you guys could ask yourselves why he would allow these poor people to get critically injured? Don’t you think if Jesus and an angel were ACTUALLY there that they would have prevented this horrible accident, or at least instantly healed the victims? How about instead you actually thank the EMT’s for being there to rescue the victims and SAVE THEIR LIVES? The EMT’s are the only people in this photo who should be praised. Use your brains, people!”
(SOMEONE had to be a voice of reason!)
So, there you have it. I feel like I need a shower to wash off the stupid.
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Logical Fallacies: Argument From Ignorance
During my deconversion process, I had given up the idea that the Bible was without error. There was contradictions, not just within the text itself, but within the content, as well. Claiming the Bible was inerrant, became increasingly difficult for me to accept. I came to the decision that God did not pass along a perfect document, but maybe there was still truth that you can get from it. The Bible seemed more like it was a collection of various thoughts and interactions with God. And, if that was true, than I could still get something from it. I had given up any beliefs of a young Earth, a true Adam and Eve, the Biblical story about the Earth's origins, Noah's Flood ...etc. I had given up quite a lot. All these things had an enormous amount of evidence to demonstrate that the Bible was inaccurate. But, the one thing I had clung to was the argument of the Prime Mover. God must exist because there would be no other way for the universe or life to come into existence on it's own. It was around this time that I began to discover the logical fallacies.
If you look up the logical fallacies online there are giant lists of them. In practice, there seems to be only a handful that are used over and over again. The most common ones are: Argument from Ignorance, Argument, from Antiquity, Straw man Fallacy, Ad Hominem, Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc, Appeal to Authority, Appeal to Complexity, Appeal to Popularity, Appeal to Emotion, No True Scotsman, and the Slippery Slope Argument. These are the logical fallacies that I run into, pretty much, on the daily basis.
Logical fallacies can only be fallacies when they point to a flaw in reasoning. There may be some cases when an argument may seem like a fallacy, but is not actually flawed reasoning. For example, an appeal to popularity, doesn't demonstrate something is true or valid, but appealing to popularity maybe valid if you are only interested in what is common to that group. Christianity is the most common religion in America, so I am more likely to run into a Christian in American than not. I am not claiming that Christianity is true, only that it's popular in America.
The flaw in my reasoning about the origins of the universe and life is that I was making an Argument from Ignorance. Another way to state my argument above is, "We don't know or understand how the universe or life began, therefore it must have been a God." The first half the statement is in contradiction to the second half. By claiming ignorance, it is then illogical to claim to know how these origins began.
I find the Argument from Ignorance used most often when a theist is claiming that science can't explain something, and therefore it's acceptable to believe that their belief is true. Each truth claim must be supported by it's own evidence. The lack of evidence for one truth claim doesn't then validate another. If someone has a belief that some God-like entity is responsible for some event, the existence of this entity would first have to be demonstrated, and then they would also have to provide evidence that this entity is capable of doing the things that they are claiming it has done. Without the evidence, the claim is unreasonable to accept. Simply saying. "You don't have an answer, so my answer is true" is flawed reasoning. And, that is the Argument from Ignorance fallacy.
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I love to read and learn.
I have read a library full of books and delved into great thoughts with reckless abandon. That is until I became a christian.
After I "gave my life to Jesus", since I "was no longer my own" but I was "bought with a price", I didn't have the right to run my life and think great thoughts and follow great thinkers...
I had to follow Jesus...that was it.
I am NO LONGER a christian. I have seen myself, accepted my beliefs and have lived as an EX christian for almost two years. I really have never taken a fighting stance that I needed to protect, preserve and perpetuate my decisions. The reasons for this blog is to allow myself to continue to think through all the areas of my life, my experiences and the beliefs that brought them to me and share them with you, others how are seeking the ability to see life as it truly is...to think critically and logically and love deeply and passionately.
When I had become a christian, I gave up "childish things"...like thinking. No really, that is the mainstream christian undercurrent of thought. Once you become a christian, "God" does the thinking for you. If something happens in your life, it was "meant to happen" to allow God to show his grace upon you or to teach you a much needed lesson because you have allowed pride and self-centeredness to rule your life and relationships. A logical thought, not supported by scripture, was not only not expected but not welcome in christian circles. There was no asking of "why" I would believe this or that but that I "should not believe it" because it was "not scriptural"...In abuse circles, we call this "circular reasoning". The "Bible" was inerrant and was a "plum line" for all truth. If any statement contradicted it in any way, then the statement was false. Period. So much for thinking.
As much as it may seem impossible, I am not bitter about my life and being kept in the dark while being a christian. I understand that those who live that life, as I had done, live it with possibly the same fervor and conviction that I had. I was "saved and sanctified". Funny thing is...I am STILL saved and sanctified. If you believe in the "once saved always saved" then I have not "lost my salvation" but "coming to the truth"...but indeed I have FOUND my salvation IN the truth. The truth has truly "set me free" from the "power of sin and death".
As with many christians, I had also sought quick answers to life's problems. The meaning and purpose of life was made certain by believing and following the christian doctrine. It was a nicely wrapped package complete with a cute little bow on top. I had everything that I thought I needed for a life "of godliness" but again, ironically, I STILL have a deep rooted understanding of "the meaning of life" and my purpose in it. Maybe even greater than I had while I was a christian. It was not such a quick fix for me as an ex-christian but it was my journey. It is my life. And I am not looking for anyone else to give me meaning or purpose but seeking to live honestly, whole-heartedly and "thoughtfully".
If you are in the process of deconversion or may have questions regarding why you are reading this blog, please leave a comment for me. I would love to converse with you and share even more of the things that I have learned about myself, life and how I became an ex-christian.
This is a "learning blog"...a tool of self-discovery and life enhancement. My life did not begin when I became a christian, my life began when I realized that religion was no "quick fix" and I challenged myself to think for myself. You can too.
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Relaxation And Realizations
During my hiatus I've begun to regularly consume a certain herb of questionable legal status. I was sitting in the storage area underneath my residence, smoking a bowl in the dimly lit area with only my new puppy for company. I had some chill EDM tunes playing on my phone. It was a quiet night on the plains, a little chilly in the unheated underbelly of a relic. Wrapped in my jacket, preparing for lift off...
I realized how insignificant humanity is. Now I can't turn that realization off. We think that we are so freakin' special, each and every one of us this wonderfully unique creation. They tell us that in church, they tell us that in school, and those of us that grew up during the era of the self-esteem cult can never escape it. Until one day when we reach terminal velocity and crash through the ceilings of our own minds. Blast through the lowest orbit like a SpaceX rocket and smash the expectations of this boring Earthbound existence of all mortal beings.
Picture it! This world all a dream! What we see isn't real and what we feel is all lies! We are led around by our desires and we deny it. I saw it and now I'm sick. Mentally unwound. Oh, sure...it all seems so glorious to pull at the strings of the carefully woven tapestry that attaches us to the realities that we know. But let me tell you, it's not so much fun as it is sobering. Once you really realize how fragile it all is and how much of life is thinly veiled bullshit controlled by faraway string-pullers, it kills you.
In some deep way that I can't touch, I'm already dead. Just like Jesus. I can't understand why people follow a dead guy. A murder victim. Isn't there someone out there who's alive, who survived? 2000 years and we're still talking about a guy who died and supposedly came back to life only to ascend to a plane of existence that we can't verify yet we trust? I don't think that people throughout time were idiots or anything. Just that they were forced to pledge alligience to a dead guy to avoid their own deaths.
Coerced belief never lasts. I think there's a genetic component to belief resistance that takes awhile to be bred out. Early adapters build persuasive but exclusive cults with elaborate traditions that only those that are born into the faith can understand. I've always found Judaism to be an interesting case because only Jewish women can give birth to Jewish children, even sons. If you read the OT, you see that is what is behind the subjugation of women and why the OT guys were so hung up on virgins, purity, idols, etc.
I suppose that's why I don't understand the fascination that some people have with being Jewish like Jesus. You can't technically become Jewish. You have to be born Jewish. Female converts to Judaism can have Jewish children, but stopping short of conversion means that you aren't Jewish and therefore, your children aren't Jewish either. Yet they want to claim that they are "truly Jewish" and all that.
Of course, I've always been technically minded. That is why faith is such an issue for me. It's not that I can't entertain fantastical ideas, it's that I can usually find faults with said fantasties. Whatever gets you through the day, I guess, but I'd rather explore my own depths than seek an intimate relationship with a dead guy.
This is the first part of a rambling rant that I wrote in my "relaxation time" journal recently. I thought that maybe this would resonate with some people in the ex-c community. No idea why my mind turned to faith. I don't focus too much on my lack of belief or whatever these days...
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Follow This Link To My Bloggin's Spot..
Quit bloggin'..
Call me, got cell while outside or riding...
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My Favorite On-line Books
Why Won’t God Heal Amputees?
Source: http://www.whywontgodhealamputees.com/god-toc.htm
Biblical Nonsense by Dr. Jason Long
Source: http://www.biblicalnonsense.com/
The Emperor Has No Clothes by Wayne Adkins
Source: http://www.nakedemperor.netfirms.com/
Anyone who can read these and remain Christian is the very definition of a "lost cause". Walk away from them quickly and don't make eye contact.
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The Mind And Belief
Over the past several weeks, I have been contemplating various attributes of the human mind. I have been reading research on the Psychology of Belief and researching motivated reasoning and confirmation bias. At this point, I have come to the conclusion that, much like the cosmos and our universe, the human mind is incredibly complex and, at this point, has not been fully understood. There are numerous theories as to why humans think the way they do, and why humans act the way they do. And much like the discussions regarding our origins in the universe, there is still so much we don't know or understand about the mind and why we think and reason the way we do and what purpose the way we think and reason and interpret our world serves us in the now and in the future.
In my puffed up brain, it would be my desire to show many wonderful and awesome things about the way humans think and reason and get you all to learn new and exciting things that I have come to understand over the past several weeks. A lofty goal, indeed. But I also understand the limits of my ability to write articulately and the fact that most people reading this are not where I am in my quest for understanding why I believed in the Christian god for so long and how my thoughts and actions were so greatly influenced by my own perceptions and understandings of my world. But, maybe for the sake of me just thinking out loud for others to see, or just for my own cathartic experience, I would like to share some of what I have discovered. I am by no means an expert, but a fledgling behaviorist, trying to find understanding in why and how we do the things we do.
If you remember Psychology 101 from school, you will likely remember the name Piaget. He is famous for his work with children. But what you may not realize about him is that he experienced a crisis in his youth regarding faith and the things that his family was telling him in regards to religion. This crisis resulted in him being influenced to start the path that led him to developing our current understanding of how beliefs form.
That being said, Piaget understood the concept of Schema, which you can read about here, and how children use schemata to build their knowledge base and ultimately use that knowledge base to develop their worldview. He developed his theory of cognitive development using schemata.
Why is this important? Well, for many of us, we adopted the religion of our parents, and likely, their families. You adopted their worldviews as you grew and began to process that knowledge. They adopted their worldviews from their parents and so on it goes. As a child you developed your schemata and as you did, the information you were given influenced further information you were given and you developed whatever worldview you ended up with. At this point, I could go on and on about how schemas work and how they affect who you are and what you think. I want to stress that this is incredibly important if you want to understand why you fell for the Christianity trap. You really likely had no choice in the matter. It was only until you started to receive information that consistently challenged the established schemata that you began to find out that there existed different information which, subsequently, began to start a new process of thinking for you.
This translates to the other areas that I have been studying: motivated reasoning and cognitive bias. These concepts shape the way you interpret information and how you determine whether or not it will shape your worldview. Every person uses motivated reasoning for all the information that you receive, accept and place in your schema. Every second of every day, your brain receives and interprets numerous data. Much of it is processed and discarded without it even being consciously known to you. A perfect example of this is the fact that you wear clothes every day. Your skin receives sensory information when your clothes touch it, but your brain has become accustomed to that sensory information, so it has learned to ignore the general information regarding what your skin is feeling. It is only when that information is different, that the brain processes it differently, and you notice it.
In the same way, we also receive numerous information from people, through the internet, tv, radio, etc. We process that information in real time and ultimately, our brains determine whether or not that information is relevant at that time. This processing involves the schemata that we have previously developed in our past and the brain processes each bit of information it receives based on the schemata that it has formed from previous information. This is why confirmation bias exists. As humans, we tend to only accept information that fits into our already developed schemata. And this is where motivated reasoning fits in as well. Humans actively seek out information that confirms our already preconceived notions, beliefs, and ideas. We seek to be validated in our worldview and because of this; we seek out information that confirms our already determined worldview. It is because of motivated reasoning that we immediately discard anything that goes against what already exists in our schemata. It is only a brief few moments of cognitive dissonance that can potentially affect our schema related to the information and at that point, we can either investigate further the information presented and then update our schema, or we can use a self-defense mechanism, and simply create a plausible (in our minds) scenario as to why that information is the exception rather than the rule, thus resolving the discrepancy.
Why is all of what I just explained important?
Well, because of this understanding, we can better understand why we fell into the trap of believing Christianity (or any other religion) for so long. You were already “doomed” to become a Christian (or whatever religion your parents chose) before you even had a fighting chance. Secondly, once you embraced your particular worldview, your brain primarily sought out information that solidified that worldview and developed a much more deep rooted belief system. So, in many ways, you couldn’t help to believe what you ended up believing.
Another important thing that you need to understand about how your mind works is this: your mind does so much more in processing information than you are aware of. This means that your mind is making decisions for you before you are actually aware of these decisions. Studies have been conducted that have shown that researchers can predict when a decision has been made in people’s brain as many as a few seconds before the person actually decides. Our brains process information in a particular way and sometimes that particular way is not the most efficient way. This explains why, after a speech or debate with someone, that you start to have those thoughts about what you should have said, or why you remember things after the fact. Our brains can only recall so much information at a time and, depending on the schema that the information you were looking for was stored in, you may or may not remember something because of what your brain is attempting to access.
This whole process also affects something that is very important to Christianity: Free Will
How your brain receives, processes, filters, and stores information is something that you have only so much control over. This affects the possibility of free will. If your brain can only access so much information at a time or it accesses only certain information at a time based on the schema system of storing information, how can you legitimately say that we are actually making a fully informed decision? Or if our brains are making decisions before we are consciously aware of it, how is it that we are actually making a truly, fully informed, thought out decision about something? How can we be held responsible for something that we are not consciously aware of, or that we have no control over?
It is because of this information that I have come to the conclusion that Free Will is an illusion. It isn’t physically possible to have free will, even if we really wanted it. But that might be a whole other discussion...
As I am writing this all out, I can’t help but think back to Jesus. In the forums, someone posted a thread about whether or not Jesus sinned (or something like that). Ultimately a short discussion ensued as to whether or not Jesus was fully tempted or whether he was truly human. Applying this information about the mind to Jesus (assuming he was a real person and he was actually fully human) then only one of two possibilities can exist that I can see:
1 – Jesus was truly human and his mind worked just like any other human, thus making him a victim of his own mind. His own mind would have caused him to sin, regardless of whether or not he wanted to. He was limited by the information that his brain processed. His parents made mistakes, so there is no possible way that he could have not made any mistakes. Humans learn by watching and mimicking the actions of their caretakers. He likely would have believed false or inaccurate information, and his behavior about said information would have been affected by those beliefs. This is what it truly means to be human. If Jesus was actually human, then he had to sin.
Or
2 – Jesus was in fact the Son of God and was fully God and fully human. But because of his divinity, he was able to overcome the pitfalls of his own mind and he was able to use motivated reasoning in the most efficient way possible, thus streamlining his thoughts and his schemata. He was able to avoid sin because his mind was protected by his divinity and was not subject to the same processes that normal humans have. His mind processed information that only related to his mission on earth and what he had to do to accomplish that mission. All of this was only accomplished because Jesus had an unfair advantage. This makes the “sacrifice” he made, less than honest. It makes him less than human and more divine. This gave him an unfair advantage that the rest of humanity did/does not have. And this makes him unable to relate to anyone else, despite what Hebrews says that he was tempted in all ways as we are. If number 2 is true, then Jesus was not what the bible claims and is not what Christianity claims and makes him a fraud.
What you just read is my understanding of the human mind and how it relates to our creation of our own worldview and how what we think and believe is influenced by forces that are, in some ways, beyond our control. It is certainly not comprehensive and certainly needs more work. But it is where I am at right now in the whole process of understanding why my mind works the way it does. I would like to stress that there is so much more regarding this topic that I have not addressed that applies well to this discussion, but that I have already written a long entry.
Please read more about this if you wish. I welcome any thoughts or other information that you might want to add.
Thanks
Storm
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Frustrated
I am going through a restless period that has lasted the better part of a few months now. There are so many things that I want to be doing with my time and yet more often than not I find myself staring idly at a computer screen, occupying my time with pointless videos or video games that feel like little more than busy work. Another day passes, I go to bed and tell myself that I'm going to do better tomorrow, but the same things happens and the weeks pass.
To be fair, I have started a new job. It's part time, I work from home and my hours are flexible, but I suppose it has taken a good portion of my focus and energy. Still I feel that I am wasting time, allowing days and weeks and months to slip by when I could be doing more, achieving more.
I have so many books on Christianity and Atheism that are sitting waiting for me to read, and I want to read them. I want to devour that knowledge, to take notes, to build a foundation for what I accept to be true and equip myself with evidence should I need to defend my position. And I expect that I will have to defend my position when I finally come to a decision as to how to break it to my family and friends that I am no longer a believer.
Every morning I catch my reflection in the mirror and I despair at the amount of weight that I've allowed myself to gain. I stare back at a face with dark circles under the eyes and complexion that could be a great deal clearer and wonder why I take such little care of myself. At the beginning of every month I promise myself that I'm going to get into a routine, I'm going to exercise regularly and eat better, I'm going to work on being healthier. Yet halfway through the week I find myself gorging on chocolate and drinking soda, my exercise streak petering off after four or five days.
I have reading I want to do in preparation for my Masters that I start in September. I've wanted to learn sign language for years now, to teach myself to draw, to expand my social circle. There is so much I want to do and achieve, yet I have achieved none of these things.
I'm reminded of a Bible verse:
'I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.' - Romans 7:15
Strange that it would be a Bible verse that comes to me right now, or perhaps it is not so strange. However, the honest truth is that there is no god to save me from this 'body that is subject to death', I'm going to have to haul myself out of this trench myself. One way or another.
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Atheism Exercise For Christians #1
I am an atheist and an ex-christian, and contrary to what Christians may think about atheists, I willing to accept that the Christian god exists. Although I post this in the Colosseum, I am debating no one specific save for any one Christian that can show me their god exists. But because I have been subject in the past to believing lies as truth, I desire to remove falsehoods, lies, myths, speculation and such and have written the below test as the only way that a Christian may possibly aid my return to Christianity. Below the actual test is an example of where I myself am stuck. Christians, can you show me your god?
==== Atheism Exercise for Christians #1 ====
1. Provide your definition of "exist."
2. Using your definition of "exist", relate something that you know does not exist but reference thereof is available.
3. Using your definition of "exist", relate something that you know does exist and reference thereof is available.
4. List the type and specified evidence you use to support your answer for #2.
5. List the type and specified evidence you use to support your answer for #3.
6. To use types of evidence found specific solely to something that exists, deduct and list the types of evidence you listed in #4 from the types you listed for #5.
7. The same types of evidence used to support the existence of your answer in #3 can be used to prove the Christian god exists. Using only the types of evidence used to prove something that exists from your answer in #6, provide the specific evidence of each type that can be applied to proving the Christian god exists, so that you may supportively declare the same.
==== My example to show Christians where I am stuck ====
1. "Is real" is my definition of "exist."
2. Peter Pan is not real.
3. An apple is real.
4. Types of evidence in support of Peter Pan:
Types of evidence: Specific Evidence
books: 'Peter Pan and Wendy' by J. M. Barrie, 'Peter Pan in Scarlet' by Geraldine McCaughrean
movies: 'Peter Pan' (2003), 'Hook' (1991)
costumes: http://www.clicket.com/kidscostumes/hallow...umes/peter.html
bus line: peter pan bus lines http://www.peterpanbus.com/
belief: I can believe Peter Pan exists
followers: http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/pixyFriendsPage.html
5. Types of evidence in support of an apple:
Types of evidence: Specific Evidence
books: I can read 'Apples' by Roger Yepsen
belief: I can believe apples exist
touch: I can pluck an apple from a tree and hold it in my hand
sight: I can see an apple with my eyes
scent: I can smell an apple
taste: I can eat an apple and taste it with my tongue
6. Remaining types of evidence used to prove something exists: touch, sight, scent, taste.
7. I am unable to provide specific evidence through touch, taste, scent, smell, or sight to show the Christian god exists.
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The evolution of Political Ideologies as we age
I recently hit my 30s and I've realised over the last couple years a couple things have happened. Firstly, as I keep getting older the X that marks the left simply keeps moving to the left of me and secondly, not only was the X moving to the left as I stood stationary, I myself am now moving to the right of my own accord. I'm not even that old, and I feel in general I am losing touch with what's current. It continues to be a weird transition for me; to move from the "happening crowd" to the lepers on the outskirts of society.
Right now I am at an interesting crossroads politically speaking. Political ideology is inherently selfish. When you're young, you tend to have nothing and policies that you give something for nothing sound very enticing. Yet, when you get older you now have something and those same policies you once liked now mean you get nothing, but something is now taken away from you. As an aside from that, I feel like as you get older your horizons tend to broaden. I know with myself personally that I once tarred all conservatives with the same brush. In essence, they're selfish, heartless and racist idiots.
Now that I've spent some time getting familiar with conservative talking points "straight from the horse's mouth" so to speak, this characterisation no longer seems fair. But (and this is a big but), I don't think those claims are completely baseless either. We all prefer to see the world as black and white, and as I get older I realise that this is just as true of me as it is others. It's easy to switch camps, it's harder to sit somewhere in the middle disagreeing with both about some points, and agreeing still on others. This is where I am currently sitting.
I guess if I were to summarise my current transition, it is to say that I've moved from a big "S" socialist to a small "s" socialist. Not earth shattering I know, but I am beginning to realise that not every government solution helps the people and that a paternal hand upon society can quickly turn into a yolk. For me I care most for looking after people and care for the economy insofar as it supports the goal of looking after people. Because of this I don't ever see myself becoming a libertarian or otherwise conservative due to this inherent focus of mine, but let's see where this goes.
In closing, this quote was something I came across during an interview the other day and I find it rather apt for how I feel about where I am at currently:
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; andany man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. - 67
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The Girl That Shouldn't Be Here
Into this world I came. Unexpected.
It was my grandpa's worst nightmare.
So bad, he told my mom to never come home pregnant.
And as you so often get what you fear most, thats what happened.
Because of the absence of love she saw no other way then to run away.
The only reason to go back home was, to give birth.
And then he made her stay.
There was no help. Only desparation.
Finally she got to know some people who helped her out.
With her troubled soul she could not recognize those folks had weird believes and their motives where not in the right place eiter.
So there I came. Into this world. Unexpected. And not to be undone.
In contrast to my innocense there was only blame put on my mom.
Instead of celebrating her and the miracle she was performing in creating a child she experienced her life turning into hell even more.
How in all the world did you think I would not be affected by that blame?
How in all the world did you think I would feel welcome when treating my life giver like dirt?
How in all the world?
Adoption came to discussion.
No, my mom was not ready.
Her dad did not take care of her concerns.
The appointment at the office was not made by her.
My mom was sent there, talked into signing a paper that made it clear, we would lose each other.
Everybody was convinced, this was the best for me.
Only she left that place full of doubts and already great regret.
How did no one care about what's best for her too?
How did no one understand that her wellbeing was linked to mine?
There has been so little creativity in all that matter. So little love.
There they where. Adopting a child.
Because christians had to be social. Helping other people.
Obviously it was the best for me. So everybody told themselves.
I needed to be protected. From my own blood.
My mom lost her right to see me when I was four.
The confusion was huge and no one dared to explain.
Only God. He was now very present. Jesus here, Jesus there.
I was scared. But even more I was concerned about hell.
So young and so vulnerable.
How could you think to tell me about your God and all would be beneficial for me?
How could you think I was not aware of your rejection of my mother?
How could you think I would accept your love when you denied it to my mother?
Was it love anyways?
They sent me to sunday school.
Told me about that loving father in heaven.
Why wasn't there a loving father on earth in the first place?
Would that be so hard?
Those morals you had.
How did you think they where any good?
To call a girl in a news story a pig because she got pregnant at age 12.
How dare you! You don't even know her story. And to me this gets personal even if you don't mean to. Don't call me too sensitive. Rather call yourself unloving and stone-hearted. And stop telling me about a loving father in heaven.
And Hell.
How much trouble and fear can a child take?
Yes my school career started off bad.
How could I be interested in education when so much was going on?
And no one even asked me what I thought about all of it.
No one wanted my opinion.
Four year old have no opinion I guess...opinions come when you get a job and move out.
But Hell. Heaven and Hell and God and Jesus. That's stuff four year olds can process.
God loves everyone. He has a plan for everybody. Oh, my life had a purpose.
Just how in all the world could he plan my coming before the foundation of the world if I came the way I should never have come? How can you say something like this, if you put blame on the people who brought me into existance? How can you believe that and at the same time reject my mother?
I would not be here without her. If you don't love my mother, you don't love me.
You don't believe in a loving father in heaven either. Because if you did, you would not find excuses for not loving. So don't expect me to believe something you don't.
To hell with your expectations!
To hell with your hate!
To hell with your ignorance!
To hell with your believe!
To hell with your morals!
To hell with all that keeps you and me from having a relationship.
Something real. Something deep.
To hell with all that keeps love out of the spectrum!
I don't fucking hate you. But I hate the way you treat me. I hate the way you think. I hate the way you think you did your best!
Yes, maybe you did. Maybe that's all you could.
My past is past. I know.
At the same time I deal with it's consequences on a regular base.
Depression.
The feeling of not being welcome. Not being wanted. Being a mistake.
Not knowing what I want to.
Feeling all alone.
Having trouble to establish healthy relationships. Finding friends.
Deep pain.
No, I don't hold on to it.
It holds on to me.
I tried to let it all go.
It keeps coming back.
Drives me crazy soemtimes.
Tears. Lots of tears have been cried and still run down my cheeks.
Stop blaming me.
Stop telling me God heals all the weary.
Stop everything that is not love.
Well, I should not be here.
According to your morals.
According to the way you dealt with my arrival. With my mom.
I came anyways.
You don't have to love me.
Love is not a duty.
And I guess you can't.
That would be fine with me.
If you could just admit it.
If we could just be real.
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New Brain Needed
Anyone ever had that feeling of walking on ice or on egg shells, even when there's no reason to be feeling like that?
I've come to the conclusion that my brain is possibly wired to deal with crisis every second of every day....
The majority of my life has been extremely stressful and not all that pleasant, the last two weeks I've had a rather calm life minus my kids running away and my other (real) mum being really fucking sick
.. All of that I can deal with.. Apparently what I struggle with is having no major urgent situations or problems to solve. It's like I have to be stressed to function which isn't particularly helpful nor is it a very nice way to live as most here will know.All I've ever wanted is a normal life, but I have been feeling more and more insane of late and if I don't figure out how to rewire my impulses soon its going to drive me insane, that's PTSD for you I guess. At least I'm aware of it and hopefully on the right track.... Seeing my shrink tomorrow is going to be interesting. Usually I have some ridiculous bullshit stressful scenario to discuss but not this week...
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Confessions: When Will My Deconversion Be Complete?
When I was a Christian, I read the book ''A Grief Observed,'' by C.S. Lewis. C.S. Lewis was once a self-proclaimed atheist, but as his life took many turns, he was drawn to Christianity. He is often quoted by many Christians, as being a poignant voice for them. Frankly, he still is one of my favorite authors. He has a way with words that is not only convicting, but also comforting.
In ''A Grief Observed,'' C.S. Lewis talks about loss, pain, suffering, and the process of grieving.
"Nothing will shake a man -- or at any rate a man like me -- out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself." ~ C.S. Lewis
What is this truth that he's talking about? For him, it must have been Christianity. It must have been a belief in the supernatural, and a god...and somehow, this helped him grieve the gut-wrenching loss of his wife. This 'truth' as he calls it, must have been pretty damn comforting, during a time of great sorrow and pain. Truth with a capital 'T.'
I once accepted C.S. Lewis' truth, as my truth. Prayers and supplication were my truths. Suffering once had redemptive value, as that too was another one of my truths. But, a few years ago, I embarked on a journey away from this truth, and traveled down a stark, lonely path towards a new one. When I discovered what it meant to call myself an atheist, it felt like someone had given me a great gift that had been sitting in front of me all of my life, waiting to be opened. Also known as ''reality,'' this gift provided me the keys to freedom, to living my life authentically, and learning to trust my own intuition. When practicing religion, especially one of the Abrahamic versions, you need to realize and accept that you are no longer in charge of your own life. This 'god' that you've agreed to follow, is going to guide you, comfort you, and shelter you from every frightening storm imaginable. But, in return, you will be obligated to 'serve' this god, and that can be the tricky part. I was indoctrinated at a young age, into Christianity, and children are human sponges, as they say. I was a good girl, all of my life...followed the rules, and all of my choices, were based on how I could put others' needs above my own. (to a fault, at times)
I've talked to lifelong atheists both here, and in my offline life, who have a somewhat dark opinion of Christianity - that it is steeped in deception, fear and depravity. As an atheist now, I can identify with them, but having been a zealous Christian, I remember making excuses for those things. We are only deceived, because evil is present in the world. We fear that which we don't fully understand, and how can we ever fully understand the mystery of faith? And, depravity is part of the sin complex. Religion isn't depraved, it is mankind that rejected God's gift...and thus, depravity exists.
See? One can make up a lot of seemingly convincing and viable excuses to stick with religion. The brain is an amazing organ, and it will find a way to process that which is unfathomable. (How can one fathom lies? Call it religion. lol)
So, today, is one of those days that I thought blogging about all of these thoughts, might be cathartic for me. I'm an atheist, but there is something that I can't quite fully let go of, when it comes to my former self as a theist. I don't quite know anymore what that something is, even though I've done much self reflection.
Bur, then it dawned on me today, that maybe I will never know what that something is, and I must find a way to accept that I was duped by religion, nothing more or less. Perhaps, this is what C.S. Lewis meant by suffering, and how it will lead you to truth. The road has been illuminated for me, and if I dare to look over my shoulder at how far I've come, there is still this part of me that wishes to run back over all that trampled ground, back into the waiting arms of theism. The comfort of nothingness, as compared to the vast potential that awaits me. I know what I've left behind, so why do I still look back?
Therein lies the process of grieving. It is a push-pull paradigm that one must go through, in order to grow, learn and emerge a butterfly. I'm not there, yet. I'm still grieving. As futile as it seems on some days, I cannot move forward until I allow myself to grieve the loss of my faith, fully and deliberately. My deconversion will be complete, when I've fully processed and made peace with the fact that religion was never my friend. Never my saving grace. Never my Comforter. I'm almost there, but not quite yet.
I sometimes think it would be easier, if it were all true.
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I've started to say this in the threads, but it's not enough, I want to dedicate a whole blog entry to it.
I've started to find it increasingly insulting that Christians seriously think we just never had any idea how to be Christian the right way. That we somehow expected God to be a miracle machine or expected everything always to be perfect and then left the church for utterly selfish reasons, such as giving in to the temptation to sin. Oh yeah, we totally abandoned eternity in heaven because we want to be promiscuous and then make up reasons to not believe the truth. No, what?
Really. That is SO insulting, it's revolting. I know I was extremely serious. I wanted God to guide my EACH AND EVERY STEP. I constantly prayed under my breath that he would. I worried that I would go wrong in "trying" to do something "by myself" when I wanted to be sure I had the blessing of Jesus in everything I did. I repeated and repeated in my thoughts, "Not my will but Yours". And I followed what I thought to be the voice of Jesus in my mind till my life was a complete wreck, and I woke up wanting to die right then.
Yes tell me again that I just didn't understand how simple it is to be a believer.
Yes tell me again that you would have known that the things I took for signs from God Himself were of the Devil.
Yes tell me again that we never know what is a blessing in disguise and that every difficulty is a test from God and I just simply failed it and I just need to apologize and come back to Jesus.F*ck. I need to apologize? What the actual f*ck? That's like apologizing to someone who tried to murder me and I ran off at the last possible moment, and even then I nearly murdered myself.
God promises in the Bible that the old me dies and a new one is born. I wanted that to happen. I wanted all of the old me to die. I did not care one bit about most of worldly stuff. It scared me to begin with and I thought it was a sign that I was meant to walk with God.
I will not apologize for choosing life. I will not apologize for choosing life. I will not apologize for choosing LIFE.
I do not mean drinking, doing drugs, humping everything that moves, and taking taking taking from everything and everyone around me. If you dare to suggest that that's what I actually do mean by "life" without a god, I will be holding myself back from hitting you. Don't you f*cking dare to tell me that.
I also will not apologize for allowing myself to be angry over this. I've been much too nice all my life. I've not been able to defend myself because I thought I didn't deserve to do it, at most as a believer I thought Jesus would do it for me. The result? I am mentally very ill and need a lot of therapy, I need to learn to accept all of me, all the people I created in my head to stay alive, all the people I created to hide the emotions that I thought I wasn't allowed to have. Sadness is a sin. Anger is a sin. Just be pleasantly thankful in advance that Jesus will make everything right. Just be pleasantly thankful of your past that made you the unbelievably awesome weapon of God that you are now. Be pleasantly thankful of your past of years of bullying, illness in the family, breaking of sexual boundaries when much too young for anything sexual at all, loneliness, self-disgust, and that for some reason Jesus never did a single thing to help before a magical moment years later! NO I AM NOT THANKFUL. I also am not a survivor. I am trying to survive right now. Being alive does not mean I HAVE survived. These things still come to torture the people in my head and I need a lot more time and effort to actually heal. The day I don't get flashbacks anymore and the fear turns into just a memory, just a part in the story of my life, then I will say I have survived.
Yeah pray for us. Pray, pray, pray, pray. Come tell me that Jesus "forgives" us. Come tell me that we make Jesus cry and his wounds bleed. Come tell me that we crucify Christ over and over again by not accepting his sacrifice. Come tell me that I am forgiven for all the filthy sins that I have done. Come, come, come on, do that. Yes, do that.
Signed,
Yunea - and also Nora, Meri, Cyan, Hate, Minttu, (takes deeeep breath) and some others who are too shy to give their names. - 29
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Destroying Everything Held Dear.
I used to be quite an eloquent writer and considered myself an intellectual. I always was the guy who was quiet, introverted, but always thinking. I learned that I was sharper, as well as more linguistically literate than my peers, around high school. As I came to my junior and senior years, my love of learning as well as philosophy and writing was my strong suit. I always struggled with depression and anxiety, but otherwise I had a pretty good life.
When I started college I was like a kid in a candy store. My professors were just like me, and taught me things that I enjoyed even more than their comedic lectures. When I got into writing class I was told repeatedly by the professor at the time how good a writer I was, despite trying to downplay it to avoid a teacher's pet reputation. I loved using words to elegantly articulate my thoughts and communicate abstract ideas, with a certain joy in being a smart ass. I especially loved history and anthropology. Of course after a year I started having problems with OCD. Even with the anguish of anxiety I still loved school.
I lived for school, scifi and video games; school now being my favorite. I got good grades, spent hours talking after class with my professors about a wide range of topics, and I loved every minute of it.
This was all until I met my soon-to-be stoner friend, getting more into party scenes. Eventually I was persuaded to try marijuana, as he was more than happy to toke with friends. I started out smoking sporadically; every few weeks or so. This was the beginning of the worst and most devastating mistake I'd ever make. Little did I know, as the online cursory research turned up little, that prolonged mixture of the drugs would render my short term memory horribly shot, and my precious literary skills decimated. That my thoughts would no longer be clear statements or mental sentences, but some convoluted mess of narrow cognition and emotional impulse. I no longer was cognizant of my own thoughts, and still am not. Even my long term knowledge, including things I'd learned through those treasured lectures and books were gone, if not frustratingly distant, foggy.
When I first encountered these symptoms I was not worried. I just assumed it was normal marijuana fog that would clear after I'd been off the weed. Other symptoms alleviating at about 5-6 months, as I'd read online in other accounts. However, along the way, I noticed that my issues did not quite line-up with traditional marijuana experiences, about 3 months in. At around 4-5 months I realized something was horribly wrong. I had smoked only a year and I was experiencing severe deficits in memory. What's worse, the symptoms weren't getting any better, if anything they were slightly worse. At this point I started considering the combination might be the source of the novel state of my brain. Indeed it is ironic that someone who was so smart could do something so stupid as mix medications. However, I'd looked it up and couldn't initially see any problems that would be enough to deter trying the drug. In fact, I thought it was awesome that I could smoke weed because I couldn't drink with the paxil. Of course I didn't search as intensively as I did when I was trying to explain my symptoms. I didn't look at prolonged effects, only any interaction. Most said it was fine. I was a stupid 19 year old, just trying things. Unfortunately, the mistake was a large one.
I looked and looked, but only ended up finding one post of a man who was warning others online not to make his same mistake. He had smoked marijuana for 2 years with paxil. He was warning others about how his memory was shot, and how he had trouble articulating himself. How he used to be sharp. Even in his post online he showed how bad he was, having lots of sloppy spelling errors and odd grammar. All I can think now is at least I didn't do it for 2 years, instead doing one. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I'd continued.
However when I realized the gravity of my mistake, my mental fog and that it would never lift. That my issues would stay with me. That my dense cognitive confusion and convolution, would never alleviate. By extension, I would never again be able to talk on the same level, or discuss with any detail or intricacy, topics which I was once enjoyed talking about for hours. My struggle with reading, much less remembering, details of what I'd read in even just a few pages of a book. I noticed how hard it was to try and keep up with story details, even in tv shows; where before I would be guessing what would happen well before hand, now I was barely able to keep up with what was going on. I then began to sink in denial and deep anxiety. I would never be able to pursue college level education, ever again. My purpose and joy was no longer available to me, no matter how hard I tried or wanted it. I could never fulfill my promise to myself not to live pay check to pay check as my parents did when I was younger. I could barely even remember simple instructions for cooking. My whole world was pulled out from under me, everything I valued about myself a memory.
More and more I realized that everything I had expected for my future; all my hopes for a good life and graduating college, gone. Fuck I hadn't even ever gotten a girlfriend, or had sex. Now, due to my self-inflicted stupidity, I would never have that luxury, nor would I even try.
I destroyed everything I loved and all because of one stupid mistake. I never even noticed until after I got off and paid attention. Now every time I see a post on facebook about finishing finals or playing video games with friends, or even just my old friends posting, it rips my heart out. Knowing that I ruined my amazing potential for a good life so soon, so stupidly. That I'll never be able to deeply connect with anyone like that again; barely being able to communicate. That this amazing age of technology and information we are entering in, I will be unsuited for. Now all I have are a bunch of jesus freaks trying to tell me that god can heal me. Debating because I know enough to know it's bullshit, but I'll never get past that into being into relationships with people who are educated and less bigoted.
So please, someone tell me. What is there left to live for? Is life really worth living if you are miserable and incapable of building any sort of meaningful future? Being completely incompetent and losing absolutely everything you held dear in life? I am beginning to more seriously contemplate suicide. Before it was more just daydreaming. Now though, it seems like a quick end to a life of torture being shown what could be, and what I ruined. It's not like I'll be able to have a comfortable life now anyways. Just living in poverty with no friends, and eventually no family, intellectually incapacitated; surrounded by people who are poor and statistically more likely to be fundamentalists out of ignorance, because what else do they have.
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Feminism Vs Female Chauvinism
Chauvinism -
Noun
- Exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
- Excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one's own cause, group, or gender.
Although commonly attributed to men, chauvinism is gender-blind or at least neutral. I offer this definition to offset any confusion or to placate the more politically correct, but mostly for a working/manageable discourse. Also, I must make clear that I will be stepping on a few toes, and I will become very irritable very quickly if I am personally accosted for my views or daring (as a man) to address the grievances of women. Although, I believe my own affinity for the softer side of human beings gives me license enough, let alone my personal association with angry feminists who seem to take on more "rights" than is due them. Personally, I see countless parallels between grievances of gay men as well as women in our society. Both are denied equal legal protection, rights, and even social equality. Gay men are too feminine, feminists are too butch or lesbians (something else which should have no bearing on equality), they are "unnatural" and worst of all they are fascists, not to mention fighting for equality of opportunity. As W.E.B. Dubois points out, there is Veil, a double consciousness, that women have which straight, white, affluent males do not. Such is probably why women are, though a peculiar and relatively new phenomenon, ingratiated with homosexuals, particularly feminine men. Both champion equality of opportunity and self-expression, as well as abandonment of sexist notions of gender or sexuality.
I think most people forget that equality does not mean usurpation of male privilege, or excessively exclusive consideration for females, but for equal treatment and social opportunity for men as well as women. In that sense, Feminism is not different, nor could it have had grounds without the early suffrage movements of black Americans, as insulting as it was to women that even uneducated black males had more social standing than them, at least politically. Feminazis, though mostly myth, DO exist, and I'm sure we've all encountered one person who made us want view all feminists in the harsh light of cynicism, but we must remember that feminism is more than mere equality of opportunity (whether social, political, or economic) but also of consideration. This increased sensitivity to diversity comes across as politically correct, but it is not: it is compensation for the lack of consideration given to women in our current society. However profound for their time liberal feminists were (and I'm using this from a political theory perspective), we must remember that they were functioning on the same flawed concepts of personal and societal progress or success. We no know beyond any doubt that having someone love you is more important than even a roof over your head for some (such as my ex-boyfriend).
Which leads me to my second acknowledgement. Though circumstantially based, as are all individual experiences and needs, we need each other and everyone needs or wants different things; this is completely ok. However divorcing context from principle, liberal feminists argue for a monolithic sense of womanhood and personal satisfaction based on the male-centric concepts of political realists. Affluence and material wealth is most important, education is only for vocation/profit, and political equality does not need consider the differences in political injustice. In all of these assertions, none are resolutely or absolutely true. Liberal feminism merely demands what man has said is most desirable for men, and applies it equitably to women. In this regard, I have no problem with feminism. Indeed I have no problem with feminism itself at all. I have a problem with the hubris afforded to "Feminazis", however. That is, some have overtly declared themselves on some righteous crusade against manhood. I too thought this was all Rush Limbaugh lunacy; that is, until I saw it in my own life.
As a shy, insecure, and scrupulous young man, I realize that nice guy is usually used interchangeably with these traits of the "pathetic man". However this expression of disgust, as other feminists have noted, is partially a failure of liberal feminism. Men are supposed to aggressive, firm, and resolute in their personal autonomy as well independence, particularly in their freedom for producing personal profit or capital. Not only is this endorsing a subtler chauvinism, this time it is being perpetrated by those who are most marginalized by it (women). It is basically butching-up the concept of women, and sticking that label on every human. Sensitivity, though given lip-service, is second to power and the personalities we associate with strong, successful men. The truth is that anyone who is neurotic or scrupulous will necessarily be more prone to being subjected to personal humility or abject insecurity. This is not any sign of someone who is pathetic, nor is it really why some feminists hate "Nice Guys".
The real reason is an enmity produced by the cognitive dissonance between what is ideal and what is reality, in regard to attraction and ideology. Women know they should like men who are meek, humble, and courteous, but still bear the social scars of male chauvinism. In turn they project these injustices onto those who are least likely to complain: insecure or passive males. Males are still expected, subconsciously, to be stoic, as are now women; they are to be resolute, with firmly established (though completely illusory) "boundaries", which are but a grievance against excessive honesty; lastly, they are too be macho, to a fault which usually corresponds with confidence. Unfortunately the distinction between a "confident" man and "asshole" is elusive even to seasoned women. I have no problem becoming close to others in a matter of days granted the right circumstances, I was told to think that this is undesirable. Something I firmly believe to be absurd, and even personally offensive or damaging to those she would probably deem as similarly "open" about who they are and want others to be as well.
This kind of entitlement to not only your own freedoms (which are completely deserved) but the right to hold men up to an antiquated notion of what Man (in the universal sense) should be, is not only sexist, but deserving of its association with fascism. Why is a lack of confidence a bad thing? I'm not speaking of insecurity, but a healthy humility and sense that you are no better than others. Science elucidates even further the illusory nature of personal merit through autonomy, albeit indirectly. Why is femininity considered unattractive, even "gay", by the foremost laymen proprietors of femininity? It is because it is not attractive, nor "normal". They are disgusted by it sexually, perhaps even mentally, and feel a need to justify (as everyone who is challenged on their dogmas often are) their lack of attraction to so-called "Nice guys. Very little has anything to do with unattractive characteristics. In fact, shy, meek, humble, and yet smart men who are feminine are extremely attractive to me. So much so I have pangs of sexual arousal offer distraction even driving when I consider my ex, and our mutual feminimity. Another more obvious reason is that many gay men are "nice guys" in the very same sense as most rejected "nice guys". Am I, or is any free-thinker, to believe this is entirely due to some fault of the "insecure" nice guy? Such a claim is asinine, and yet it is what "Feminazis" are incessantly complaining about, and demonizing. Suddenly they treat women well, not because they want to be nice, or are simply nice people, but because they want to get in women's pants. Such assertions are as patronizing as they are personally insulting.
A prominent issue is that women are, in fact, usually disgusted with the overly feminine man who cries when he sees a sad movie, or a man who doesn't act as the aggressor in a relationship (I myself had to be the one to do so in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, as even he said he was more in the "female role" of the relationship in this regard), we're supposed to flirt, and we're supposed to be decisive when doing so. Well, unfortunately this leaves very little up to personal choice or preference, and even less to personal concepts of what's attractive. Why this model? Why, because it's "normal"; it's been that way in society for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years (although there was no need for any aggression, as there was no concept of dating or romantic love in the past). True few women actually hate men, though some do out of ignorance or abuse, but the culture of "rights" has brought about an unprecedented sense of female entitlement. The same can be seen in radical (as in bat-shit crazy) black political activists, such was the case with the black panthers, which had their basis in genuine personal grievances, or even white guys decrying affirmative action or some sort of reverse-racial chauvinism
One must not seek political or social vengeance, nor should one embrace any sort of reverse-chauvinism or sexism. Lastly, I must say that the indignation with which I was accosted for merely challenging the notions of a "pathetic" 'nice guy' was in an of itself enough motivation to write this, however I also saw it was something that was serving to pervert the just cause of feminist liberty and equality. Women seeking their own emancipation, indeed, all disenfranchised groups, should not even inadvertently subject others to the subjugation or presumptuous expectations that they themselves were once subjected to, nor should they seek some sort of vengeance or usurpation of the power men used to have. Such power is that of the Bourgeois Big Owners, who themselves are reprehensible human beings, and embody everything that is wrong with Liberal 18th-21st century Enlightenment Philosophy (especially Laissez-Faire capitalism). Such are powers of exploitation, not of natural right or justice. If such is the new purview of Feminism, then I can no longer call myself amongst them. Thankfully, as anyone familiar with Feminist thought know, this preoccupation with exploitative power is only desirous to vindictive lay feminists or those of professional, personal vendettas of bitter vengeance. Liberty and true femininity do not allow for such despicable influence. Just as offensive is the assertion that men, and only men are the problem or proprietors of feminine subjugation. Though my professor thinks it does not actually exist, I have to beg to differ based on personal observations. Though the efficacy or pervasiveness of these unfair, disingenuous assertions are in question, the existence I do not believe itself can be, which was the main reason I wrote this blog entry.
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A Partial History Of The End Of The World
The End of the World is a common belief among all religions, but the Christians have really made a “career” of End of the World predictions:
2800 BCE – An Assyrian clay tablet declares, “Our earth is degenerate in these latter days, there are signs that the world is speedily coming to an end. Bribery and corruption are common.
634 BCE – Many Romans believe Rome will be destroyed 120 years following it founding as foretold by twelve eagles that once appeared to Romulus, each believed to represent 10 years,
6th Century BCE (actually written in 2nd Century BCE) – The Book of Daniel predicts the End of Time. He declares, “ I kept looking in the night visions and behold, with the clouds of heaven, one like the Son of Man was coming [7:13]. The author also mentions that many of those who sleep in the dust of the ground will awake, these to everlasting life, the others to disgrace and everlasting contempt. [12:2]
Early 1st Century CE??? – Jesus declared, “This generation shall not pass away until all will be fulfilled.” Early Christians believed the End would occur during their lifetime. Jesus also said, “Verily I say unto you, there be some standing here which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” [Matthew 16:28]
66-70 CE – The Essenes, a Jewish ascetic sect with apocalyptic beliefs, man have interpreted the Jewish revolt against the Romans as the final battle.
70 CE – The founder of the founder of the 19th century Opeida sect, John Humphrey Noyes, claimed the Second Advent had already taken place with the fall of Jerusalem (naturally, with only believers seeing it).
Late 1st Century CE – The Book of Revelation foretells an apocalypse followed by the creation of a new heavens and a new earth.
The ecstatic Montanists held that Christ was to arrive during their generation and was to appear at Pepuza, in Phrygia (in modern Turkey), designated by the group as “New Jerusalem”.
247 CE – As Rome celebrates it’s thousandth anniversary, persecutions increase against Christians, making many of them believe the world was coming to an end.
365 CE – The famous Christian saint, Hilary of Poitiers, believes the world would end this year.
380 CE – A North African sect, the Donatists, asserted this year marked the End.
Late 4th Century – St. Martin of Tours declared, “There is no doubt that the Antichrist has already been born. Firmly established, already in his early years he will, after reaching maturity, achieve supreme power.”
500 CE – Julius Africanus (160-240) theorized that the world would end approximately 6000 years after the creation of the planet, hence the Second Coming would occur around 500 CE – The Christian apologist Irenaeus as well as Hippolytus also held to 500 CE as the date of the return of Jesus Christ.
793 CE – The Spanish monk Beatus of Lieband prophesied the end of the world on Easter eve 793, causing the present crowd to panic. Everyone fasted throughout the night and were relieved to discover they were alive and well the next day.
848 CE – The prophetess Thiota believed 848 was the final year.
970 CE – Catharingian felt they had calculated the exact date of the end of the world, with Christ’s arrival set for Friday, March 25 970 – for coincidentally both the celebration of the Annunciation and Good Friday shared this very same date. Furthermore, they were confident that this day also marked Adam’s creation, Isaac’s sacrifice, the Red Sea’s parting, both Jesus’s conception and crucifixion. They figured how could the End of Days manage to miss such a well-established tradition?
992 CE – Bernard of Thuringia believed the consummation of all things would occur in the year 992.
1000 CE – Many Christians in late antiquity and during the early medieval period (including St Augustine) were sure that the year 1000 marked the end of the world. Panic gripped many in western Europe and some people even left their homes to wait for the arrival of Jesus in Jerusalem.
1033 CE – When Jesus did not arrive a thousand years after the date of his “calculated” birth, various Christian mystics asserted that the end would occur a thousand years after his Crucifixion. The entire early eleventh century was a period of constant rumors that the end was near (as recorded by the Burgundian monk Radulfus Glaber).
1100 CE – Somehow the year 1100 became the next year believed to mark impending doom for all humanity.
1184 CE – Rather than Christ, 1184 was the date set for the arrival of the Antichrist.
1186 CE – john of Toledo foresaw the end of the world as encoded within the cosmos, noting that the planetary alignment occurring in Libra on September 23, 1186 would spell certain doom.
1200 CE – Once again, the end predicted based on the neatness of the numbers matched in hundreds. One of the advocated of this date was Italian mystic Joahim of Fiore (1135-1202), but he also added the end could happen as late as 1260.
1284 CE – It is recorded that Pope Innocent III expected the Second Coming to occur 666 years following the rise of Islam – and so calculated the year 1284.
1290 CE – Followers of Joachim of Fione decided their mystic really meant 1290 to mark the End.
1306 CE – Establishing the idea that the beginning of the Millennium began with the advent of Roman emperor Constantine’s reign in the year 306, Gerard of Poehide(in 1147) determined the release of Satan would occur about 1306.
1335 CE – Not willing to give up on their teacher’s calculations, the followers of Joachim of Fiore extended his predictions to 1335.
1366 CE – French ascetic, Jean de Roquetailiade determined the Milennium would start between 1368 and 1370, with the Antichrist’s arrival set for 1366.
1367 CE – Militz of Mromeriz, a Czech archdeacon, asserted the End would occur around 1367.
1378 CE – Once more, the followers of Joachim of Fiore (now called Joachites) cam up with yet another date – this was set by
Arnold of Vilanova, in his De Tempore Ativento Antichristia in his reinterpretation, the antichrist’s reign would begin in 1378.
1420 CE – The Taborites (directly related to the Hussites of Bohemia) predicted the finality of all things to occur in 1420 and calculated this event right down to the month, February. The main proponent of this belief was the Czech prophet Martinek Hausha.
1500 CE – Enamored by the mystique of the double zeros, 1500 became the next target date of the end.
1524 CE – According to certain English astrologers, the end of the world would begin in London on the first of February. The report is that 20,000 people fled their homes, expecting the first sign to be a giant flood. February 1st ended up being a relatively calm, rainless day. Because of the planetary alignment with Pisces, astrologer Johannes Stoeffler determined the End (again with a flood because Pisces was considered a water sign) would occur on Feruary 24th.
1532 CE – Aviennese bishop by the name of Frederick Nausea believed the end was near when he heard about crosses dripped in blood manifesting beside a comet.
1533 CE – During this period in general, a group called the Anabaptists began to predict the end of the world on various dates. The End occurring in the year 1533 was advanced by their prophet Melchior Hoffman, who thought Christ would first come to Strasbourg. According to his theology only 144,000 people would be saved, with everyone else burned by fire.
1534 CE – Another Anabaptist, Jan Matthys, calculated the End on Easter Day, April 5, 1534. Only those at Munster would survive the impending destruction.
1583 CE – At exactly noontime on April 28th 1583, with the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn, Christ was supposed to come again, at least that’s what astrologer Richard Harvey thought.
1600 CE – It is recorded that Martin Luther believed the world would end before 1600.
1603 CE – Tomasso Campanella, a Dominican monk, had this hot notion that the sun would collide with the Earth this year.
1648 CE – A rabbi from Smyrna, Turkey, by the name of Sabbatai Zevi calculated using the Kabbalah that the Messiah would appear this year and that his Messiah was indeed him!
1666 CE – The Great Fire of London this year only encouraged Christians and Jews alike to believe the End was at hand; in a rare display of ecumenical apocaplyptism. Jews believed the Messiah was to appear and Christians expected the second coming of Christ. Christians simply figured that the first 1000 years represented the millennium and that if they added the number of the Beast, 666 to this number, they would reach the time of the Apocalypse.
1694 CE – The German prophet Johann Jacob Zimmerman believed Jesus would return this year in the New World, after intensive biblical as well as astrological studies. He gathered pilgrims to accompany him to America, known as the Woman of the Wilderness, but died before they could leave. Johannes Kelpius took Zimmerman’s place and led everyone to the Americas, but Jesus never appeared.
1697 CE – Famous witch hunter Cotton Mather believed the End out occur this year.
1733 CE – Long before, Sir Isaac Newton predicted the End for this year.
1736 CE – William Whiston of Cambridge said the Apocalypse would happen on October 13, 1736, destroying the Sodom of what was London of his day.
1757 CE – Emanuel Swedenborg in a mystical vision, was told 1757 was the big year!
1763 CE – George Bell, a follower of John Wesley, prophesied that this year marked the End.
1792 CE – The Shaker’s designated apocalyptic year.
1805 CE – Presbyterian minister Christopher Love, in the 17th century foresaw this as the final year.
1814 CE – Joanna Southcott, the 64 year old virgin prophetess, believed October 19th would mark the day of the re-birth of Christ and that she was chosen to hold the new baby Jesus. Furthermore, Jesus was to be born on Christmas Day. While she did look pregnant, she wasn’t and actually died of dropsy on Christmas Day.
1834 CE – First date set by William Miller for the End.
1836 CE – Second date set by William Miller.
1843 CE – Third date set by William Miller.
1844 CE – Fourth year set by Miller – and set for March 21st, but after no arrival, re-set for October 22nd.
1856 – The Crimean War was believed by many to be the Battle of Armageddon predicted in the book of Revelation.
1874 CE – Charles Taze Russell, founder of the group that eventually became the Witnesses of Jehovah, proclaimed that Christ had indeed returned this year – But spiritually speaking.
1881 CE – The End of the World according to some Jehovah Witnesses.
1891 CE - Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism, estimated in 1825 that the Second Coming would occur in about 56 years which brings it to this year.
1896 CE – Michael Boxter, in his book, The End of This Age About the End of This Century, set the Rapture for this year, with 144,000 real Christians worth of this journey.
1900 CE – The Brothers and Sisters of the Red Death, a Russian cult, believed this year was the End of the World – specifically on November 13th. In this belief, over 100 committed suicide.
1908 CE – a grocery store owner in Pennsylvania y the name of Lee T. Spangler believed the fires of Hell would consume the earth this year.
1910 CE – Many believed Halley’s Comet was the sign of the End of the World. Some even claimed that the comet was poisonous and took “comet pills” to protect themselves.
1914 CE – Some Jehovah Witnesses saw World War I as the Battle of Armageddon.
1919 CE – Meteorologist Albert Porta believed the conjunction of six planets would trigger a magnetic tug that would destroy the earth on December 17, 1919.
1925 CE – The angel Gabriel appeared before Margaret Rowan and told her the world would end on Friday the Thirteenth.
Herbert W. Armstrong, founder of the Worldwide Church of God, believed the Rapture was a scheduled to occur this year.
1939 CE – World War II was seen as the beginning of the End of the World.
1953 CE – Agnes Carlson, founder of the Canadian Sons of Light, predicted this year as the End.
1954 CE – Dorothy Martin, leader of the Brotherhood of the Seven Rays, predicted a giant flood would destroy the Earth on exactly December 21, 1954.
1959 CE – The Founder of the Davidians, Victor Houteff, believed the End was near, but after his death, his wife Frances established the date as April 22, 1959. Many gathered on Mount Carmel near Waco, Texas, but nothing happened.
1966 CE – The Nation of Islam believed sometime between 1965 and 1966, the apocalypse would happen destroying the United States.
1967 CE – According to the Rev. Sun Myung Moon, the Kingdom of Heaven was to be established this year.
1970 CE – In his book “The Late Great Earth”, Hal Lindsey said that the End of the World was taking place now.
1973 CE – The guru of the Children of God, David Berg, believed the United States would be destroyed by a comet this year.
1981 CE – Chuck Smith of Cavalry Chapel of TV fame predicted the world would end in this year.
1988 CE – In his book, “88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988”, Edgar Whisenam argued that Jesus would return on Rosh Hoshana, between September 11 and 13.
1989 CE – Since Jesus did not return in 1988, Whisenam revised his figures, because of a anomaly in the Gregorian calendar, to this year.
1990 CE – Whisenam next predicted this year as the End.
1991 CE – Whisenam tried again, predicting this year as the End.
1992 CE – In a fourth try, Whisenam predicted this year.
1993 CE – Figuring that the odds were with him, Whisenam predicted this year.
1994 CE – In his last try, Whisenam predicted this year and when this year came and went, quite trying….His book sales had tanked by then!
Heaven’s Gate has not been mentioned. Along with several other recent cults and predictions, but this will show you why non-Christians take Christian worries and predictions of the End with a grain of salt and a sarcastic laugh! Incidentally for those worrying about 2012, the Mayan’s did not predicate the End of the World.
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I Had Too Many Of My Own Thoughts
This probably should have gone in my testimonial back when I first signed up for this website, but a lot of what I'm going to write about are things that I did not remember until I meditated on my past as a Christian. Through this meditation I have realized one important thing: I could never have been Christian for long. If I hadn't deconverted in the past year, like in reality, then I would have deconverted eventually. Throughout my life, I've slowly become less and less Christian in my viewpoint of the world and more and more atheistic. But of course, this was bound to happen.
From an early age, about 6-10 years old, I loved to read mystery novels. In retrospect, I think that this habit of mine was the main tool in constructing how I think about, well, everything. In mystery novels you can't completely trust anything outside of solid evidence, like fingerprints or a bloody knife. Unfortunately for Christianity, this view of the world is at complete opposition to its teachings.
When I think back on my Christian youth, I realize that the way I saw things was almost always in opposition to what my Sunday school teachers and pastors were trying to teach me. Here are a few examples:
- When I was about nine or ten, I got into an argument with another kid in Sunday school about how the trinity didn't make sense to me. I was convinced that Jesus and God had to be two separate people. I mean, how else would the story of Jesus make any sense? If Jesus was God, then what would the point be in sacrificing himself to himself? Not to mention the fact that God could do whatever he wanted. Why couldn't he just forgive people? I remember the Sunday school teacher coming to us and siding with the other kid, who had been arguing the typical Christian response, and I ended up just trying to not think about it so much.
- When I was in fifth grade (about 11 years old) I learned about how people could only be saved through believing in Jesus's death and resurrection. I remember the thoughts I had immediately after learning this: "But wouldn't it be reasonable to not believe? I mean, why would someone just believe me if I told them? Why should people take my, or the Bible's, word for it?" At this point I basically became on of those, "everyone finds their own way" type of Christian.
- By my freshman year of high school, I adopted a Pascal's Wager type of faith, though I did not know that it was called this at the time. Basically, I didn't really believe in the Bible and its God, but I may as well try just in case. Not coincidentally, this was the same year in which I went to Biology class and learned of evolution. I got an A+ in Biology.
- In my sophomore year of high school, I remember having a bible study in which we talked about the uses of prayer. What was the gist of the discussion? There was no use of prayer. At least, that's what I got out of the whole bible study. I'm surprised to find that I'm the only one, out of all of the people there, who realized this. Now, the youth leader kept dancing around this concept, but he never outright said it. It seemed to me that his conclusion was different from mine, but I couldn't figure out how it was different. Perhaps we just had different opinions on what constitutes "use"?
- Also during my sophomore year, during my last church retreat, my group talked about using the Lord's name in vain. I thought the whole conversation was stupid. Why should God care if I say "Oh my God!"? How petty! This was the last church event I ever went to. I even told some of my friends how stupid I thought the whole situation was.
- And again, during my sophomore year, my sister-in-law bought me The Case For a Creator. This book didn't sit well with me at all, but I couldn't understand why... I think I had, as I am somewhat ashamed to say, a sort of "faith" in science. I couldn't believe that scientists wouldn't revise a broken theory. There had to be an explanation. Of course, there was, but my reasons for believing so weren't good, at least in my opinion.
Now, I kept my Pascal's Wager type of belief until early my Junior year, when I did a Physics project on, you guessed it, Pascal. When I learned what the opposing viewpoint to his wager was, I realized that I couldn't keep lying to myself. I was an atheist and had been too stubborn, and perhaps scared, to admit it.
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- When I was about nine or ten, I got into an argument with another kid in Sunday school about how the trinity didn't make sense to me. I was convinced that Jesus and God had to be two separate people. I mean, how else would the story of Jesus make any sense? If Jesus was God, then what would the point be in sacrificing himself to himself? Not to mention the fact that God could do whatever he wanted. Why couldn't he just forgive people? I remember the Sunday school teacher coming to us and siding with the other kid, who had been arguing the typical Christian response, and I ended up just trying to not think about it so much.
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The Horror Story I Told In The Chatroom
Last night my friend told me his story at the bar, he was horrified, but he had to tell me. He was trekking through a forest in a Northern European country. He had a compass, a map and his backpack was filled with a tent and sleeping bag. The load weighed heavier on his back, his eyes was heavy lidded. He got more and more tired, he had to find a good place to set up the tent. He trekked through still more forest until he found a flat patch of ground that would have been near water.
He set up the tent and his bed. He had food and started to dress for bed.
Anyway, the bed was uncomfortable. The air got colder. He fitfully slept.
Each time he woke up and went back to sleep, unbeknownst to him, a tool by tool that he needed for getting out of the forest vanished.
Something that wasn't branches lashed against the thin layer of his tent. That finally woke him up.
The tent door opened, seemingly by itself. His breath got shallower, as the zip unzipped, there was no shadow on the door.
His body did not move for fear. A whoosh of air and he was carried as if he was Gulliver but he could see nothing but the ground and he was in his bedclothes as he floated out of the tent.
He floated until he was into a cave, into its darkness.
It was utterly dark, he heard only water on the ground.
Then the cave lightened and he gasped.
Innumerable tiny grey creatures swaying back and forth, whispering as one...
His mind was polluted with the most gruesome images. He described it as him seeing the worst of the world. Fishes devouring their young; a Nazi skinning a person; jaws suddenly detached in accidents. There were infinitely worse images I shall not attempt to describe.
The creatures then whispered to him, "Do not come to the forest. The forest is dead. Humans, you did this to us, you cut down the creatures of the forest." Then he saw his foot being set on and his bare feet's smallest toe got taken off.
He did not feel pain, he merely saw blood pouring out of his stump. The creatures said to him, "This is how we feel when you cut down a single tree."
Then pain came down like a bunch of bricks.
He screamed and screamed.
They carried him back to his tent and they put his cellphone in his hand.
He frantically dialled the cellphone as he staunched his wound.
Then he spoke to the medical service of the country.
After he made the call, he fainted.
He woke up in the hospital.
Well, the thing is, he showed me the stump.
I believed him.
Years after...
I found out the horrible truth.
His ex-girlfriend cut off his toe because he abused her for years and she had enough.
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Moving On
So it's getting close to a year or so when I discovered this place and not much longer after that when I became a member. This community has truly been a family to me during this time of leaving my faith behind. Thank ya'll for reading my posts and responding as always with empathy and understanding as well as opinions. Ex-C really is a great community.
I feel right now that it's time that I move on from this place and take a leave from here for a while. This has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the drama from last week. I just need to take a break and really revel in the freedom that I've found from Christianity. I find that the more I am here the more that I dwell on the injustices and hurts that I suffered in my former religion. I am moving on, from the pain, the hurt, the anger, etc. and really try to just live in the world that I live in. The more that I linger here the more that I make myself into a victim and that's not right. Yeah, things happened but my family really wanted what they thought was best. Some of the best things about my come from my religious upbringing because without it I wouldnt' have left my faith. Kind of ironic, no?
Anyways, I'm going to take a break and get the help I need and stop dwelling on the past. I can't change what happened, what I believed, or my actions but I can live in the now, and work towards a better future for myself. I hesitate to say it but I LOVE YA'LL!!! Seriously, ya'll have gotten me through some shit. I'll be back eventually or I may even lurk but for now I think it's best I leave for the time being.
Thankies,
Zephie
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Tension In My Mixed Marriage
I came out to my wife as an atheist a while ago. Shortly after she was accepting of it but she was undoubtedly very hurt by this. She was expressing frustration in that she didn't have the answers to questions that I was asking but I wont seek the help from people that have the answers. This is frustrating to me that she can live in ignorance of anything that is so important.
To make matters worse, a few months ago, I said that we would no longer tithe with my income. We would only use hers. At the time she was very accepting of it and we even selected a charity that we would donate to instead of putting our money in the offering plate. That sunday you would have thought that conversation was with an evil twin. All hell broke loose when I didnt write a check at church. Church consisted of her being one of the people who anonymously raised her hand for "special prayer" and when we got home with tears in her eyes she said that she wanted separate bank accounts because if we are not going to be in agreement on where our money needs to go, she will get a separate bank account. We make good money and have always been on the same page about money and consequently we have not had that issue in our marriage. Most marriages are plagued by money issue and we didn't have that problem for the reasons I just mentioned. I have always felt that if you can solve this problem in marriage (money problems) you have avoided the biggest hurdle. I refuse to get a separate bank account since it starts as a simple separate bank account then next thing you know we are sleeping in different rooms living two separate lives and that is not the marriage I signed up for.
For this reason I just write the stupid check. Its not worth it. I love my wife and family and if I have to go through the motions (which is very obvious by this point) to keep everybody together then so be it. I don't cry while they show passion of the christ clips, I spend time critiquing the singing and analyzing outfits. She pointed out to me that its obvious that I am going through the motions and I am a phony. I am a faker. I smile and hug people but they have all made the assumption that I am a believer. While I haven't outright declared myself atheist to our groups I have said that I have BIG questions and Big doubts about all of it. They welcome it and then presumably forget about it as it never comes up to them again.
Bringing up the issue always leads to tears since she is she is so hurt by it. Consequently, its often unmentioned so 99% of the time we are the normal loving couple with a great marriage. The "barrier" of my unbelief has faded to ALMOST not there anymore except that unmentioned 1% of the time. It tends to rear its head at the most inopportune times. While we lay intimately in bed, the "mood" is immediately killed as she says "I miss being on the same page as you" or "I'm smiling but inside I'm really still hurt" or "I wish things were back like they used to be". These are the "ice breakers" (unsolicited, off topic, out of nowhere comments) that lead her into tears and completely disrupt the evening (and usually the next morning since she cries herself to sleep over it). This part is the most frustrating for me because religion has faded in importance in our marriage but because of where its "supposed to" be, when we do talk about it, it seems like all the good times get trumped by my non-belief and once every few weeks she has to remind herself that I'm an atheist and things are not supposed to be this good.
Her wish is that I sit down with a pastor and talk about all my doubts and have them convince me that god is real. I don't want to believe in god anymore. I dont even want to try. I dont want to sit down with anybody and hear their flawed, uninformed, biased arguments. I am much happier since losing religion. There are periods where I am even losing interest in all the bible history and religious stuff from just being burned out. She forwards me articles about how religion is a "personal revelation" and that each person has to find their own path. The irony there is that having known her for as long as I have, I dont think thats the case for her.
In conclusion, just know that I have a great marriage 99% of the time but that 1% of the time sure sucks.
EDIT: and dont think for one second that my kids aren't going to be raised skeptics. THey LOVE science and we embrace that desire to learn.
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Still Trying To Get To The Bottom Of It.....
When I was a kid I liked the song JOY JOY this must surely mean, jesus first and yourself last and others in between. That resonated with my natural propensity for looking after people, so I learned early to care deeply about everyone's needs. To me this has been the focus of my life, the way I thought we were meant to live to make the world a better place for all of us.
During my time as a christian I was often puzzled by people not reciprocating that. I have spent a lot of my life crying because I think deep in my heart I knew the truth but just did not want to face it in all its glory. I thought there was something deeply wrong with christians, but now I realise it is everyone, and it is considered "normal" behaviour.
Over the past few years since deconversion I keep running into the same problem, me being happy to care about how I treat other people, but them not paying much attention when I need something from them. I am a fixer, and if there is an issue I like to drag it out and discuss it with the other person, so we can fix it. What I often get though is, well, nothing. People are not interested in fixing problems if it requires effort on their part. I am very concerned with what I can do to make them feel loved or needed or wanted, but they are not on the same page as me. Because that attitude is so foreign to me, it causes me a LOT of cognitive dissonance. I just don't get what it is not to care. I want to find solutions for everything, even if that involves me giving, because that is what I do.
I have come to realise though that I am not even on the radar for other people. I completely underestimated how concerned people are with their own inner lives, and how completely unconcerned they are with the inner lives of others. I can beg, plead, cry, ask nicely, get angry, do everything I know to try and get them to listen and care about certain things, but they just......don't. I don't even know what that shit is, but I know it makes me so angry I could punch people.
I am a giver in a world of takers, but am I just meant to lie down and take it? I don't want to anymore. The only thing I can do to avoid punching people is just to accept they don't give a shit, and that irks the fuck out of me after everything I am prepared to do for them. I don't think there is any solution for this. I want them to care, but I cannot make them. Why are their wants and needs so important to me, but mine so unimportant to them?
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Genesis 1:1
The Book of Genesis is the first of the 66 books traditionally accepted as the Protestant canon of the Bible. Because of Mark 10:3, Luke 24:27, and John 1:17, Moses is thought by many to be the author of Genesis, as it is part of the Pentateuch, or the Law. According to chabad.org, Moses was born in 1393 BCE and died in 1273 BCE. Christiananswers.net posits that Moses compiled his book from accounts kept by Adam, Seth, and the other 11 generations mentioned in Genesis (i.e., "this is the book of the generations of...") and added his own comments under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. The last event mentioned in Genesis is the death of Joseph (Genesis 50:26); Joseph is said to have lived from 1562 BCE to 1452 BCE (according to chabad.org), meaning Moses was born 59 years after the events Genesis describes. Christian scholars have not come to any considerable agreement as to the birth and death years of Moses, but Dr. John Van Seters states that the book of Genesis was likely written in the 5th or 6th century BCE.
Genesis 1:1 comes from the Greek Old Testament, also known as the LXX Septuagint. As with all verses of the Bible quoted in this manner within this work, It is printed in green, with any words attributed to Christ in red. All verses are taken from the King James Version of the Bible, as it is under public domain--meaning it may be quoted without permission from its publisher, in keeping with the DMCA.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
The word for "God" ('elohiym) is especially troubling, as it can mean:
Outline of Biblical Usage
(plural)
rulers, judges
divine ones
angels
gods
(plural intensive - singular meaning)
god, goddess
godlike one
works or special possessions of God
the (true) God
God
(source)
And "the heaven" (shamayim) is especially troubling, as it can mean (omission mine):
Outline of Biblical Usage
(portion omitted)
visible heavens, sky
as the visible universe, the sky, atmosphere, etc
as abode of the stars
Heaven (as the abode of God)
(source)
And finally, "the earth" ('erets):
Outline of Biblical Usage
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land, earth -
earth-
whole earth (as opposed to a part) -
earth (as opposed to heaven) -
earth (inhabitants)
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country, territory -
district, region -
tribal territory -
piece of ground -
land of Canaan, Israel -
inhabitants of land -
Sheol, land without return, (under) world -
city (-state)
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ground -
soil
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people of the land -
space or distance of country (in measurements of distance) -
level or plain country -
land of the living -
end(s) of the earth
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lands, countries(source)
So there we have three potentially mistranslated words in the first verse of the Bible, but they are of vital importance, as the alternatives present very different meanings. In further posts, I'll start looking at the verse in context of that which comes after it, and I'll build on the information given. I'll also be adding sources and additional knowledge as I find it in my research.
Lastly, formatting is a bitch. I'll clean it up later.
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often in contrast to Canaan
[*]
land
[*]
ground, surface of the earth
[*]
(in phrases)
[*]
(almost wholly late in usage)
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” (Sure, why not take this opportunity to proselytize?)
" (This was the ONLY comment I saw where someone seemed to actually understand what was really happening in this photo.)
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