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Last Goodbyes
By TheBluegrassSkeptic
Death for me over the years has rarely been difficult to process and move on. I've buried quite a few, only mourned a couple. The two I mourn are now memories I guard so earnestly a mother bear could not rival my ferocity. These two people immediately bring on the wet eyes and short tight breaths when I just so much as think on their lives, their influence, and my loss. This past January I experienced a third loss of someone very important in my life. It's hit me very hard, and I am surprise- 0 comments
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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.
Monday, April 8th, 2013
This will be my first actual blog entry I've ever made in my life. I have never written something with the intent of it becoming a "blog".
In fact the whole blogging concept started without me paying much attention to it.
But anyways, here it goes.
I have a wonderful 26 year old girlfriend. She treats me so well, as I do to her. She is sweet, she understands me, she is goofy with me and shares my sense of humor. She is beautiful as well as sexy.
Also, she has been my first (and only)...for many things.
The first girl I've kissed.
The first girl whose body I've touched in any way outside of a hug or handshake (except one time grinding at a club in Canada).
The first girl I've taken on a traditional dinner date.
She helped me get my driver's license by letting me practice in her car.
She's the first girl i've introduced to my family.
The first girl whose family I have met.
The first girl I've passionately hugged.
The first girl I've taken on a trip.
The first girl I've stayed at a hotel with.
And of course she is the one who took my virginity.
But despite her wonderfulness, there is one major problem in our relationship. We've been in a relationship for 2.5 years, and I am just not in love with her. Or at least I'm fairly certain I'm not. I've never said the words "I love you" (Though she has said them to me) to her. We've talked about it before. But I do not like to just say those words. Because to me saying "I love you" when you mean "I'm in love with you" is basically the same as saying "I want to be with you forever". Don't get me wrong, I care about her very deeply. Probably as much or more than most people do when they say those three words. Those words just have specific and special meaning to me. And I'm not going to use them prematurely just because it's normal in our culture.
When I think about my future, I can sometimes see her in it. But usually not. She and I have very different interests. In fact I'm not even sure what her interests are. I know she likes to watch movies and TV shows. I know she likes to bake. But she never seems to have anything she wants to do. And she doesn't like to share my interests (anime, Japanese culture, religion, video games, exercise). I actually like to do any random old thing out of the house...but she never has any such things. Also since she is unemployed, she doesn't have money to do things, so if we do find something to do that costs money per person, I need to pay for her portion and her food. Don't get me wrong, she is very generous, when she actually has money. Also, she has been unemployed for the entirety of our relationship. She was in school for most of it. She finished school and DID get a job for about 3 months, but then they let her go. Her parents have been paying her way to live in the city we live in. I think she will likely have to move back home. Unless she gets a job soon...but with this Job market and basically no experience it is not going to be easy.
Ah, and she also only has a few friends that I know of. Her old roommate, his boyfriend, and an old friend from elementary school that she never sees or talks to. It confuses me and bums me out that she doesn't have more people in her life. I try my best to keep my old friends in my life. I probably have between 10 and 20 people from highschool and college that I would call my good friends. I still like to hang out with these people whenever I get the chance. I really want her to have something like that. She needs a social network (not as the saying is used today, but an actual one).
So here I am with this wonderful, sweet, caring, beautiful, sexy, funny, unemployed, friendless, hobbyless girl who I care about more than anybody else in the world. Who is my best friend. Oh, and I forgot to mention that her family is pretty religious (even though she isn't, but that is not "out").
But, I can't help but wonder what else is out there.
I can't help but wonder if I could find a girl who was not only a great girlfriend, but who I could share my hobbies with, or get to know her friends, or enjoy hanging out with her family.
I can't help but wonder what it's like to be with somebody else.
What would it be like being with a girlfriend that had an income?
What would it be like kissing or sleeping with another girl?
I really don't know. And it kills me to wonder these things...because I feel like I am not ready to commit to marriage until I do know these things. I feel I could marry my current girlfriend...if I experienced more in life and realized that how I feel for her really IS it. It doesn't get any better! But I'm so scared that it does get better, and I could have not just a "great" relationship but a "wonderful almost beyond belief" relationship. I don't want to not get the most I can out of life, and I'm just not certain that with her I will be able to do that.
..........
So it took some courage. But yesterday, I finally came out and told her most of this. I told her I won't be ready to marry until I have more experience. Experience being alone again (now with money, last time I was single I was broke and carless). Experience being with other girls. I told her I think we have a great relationship, but to be honest with my own feelings I don't think I'll ever be able to commit at the rate things are going. I told her I didn't want to hurt her, but I don't want to keep this from her because she should know...because it's her life too. I told her that nothing has to change now...if she doesn't want it to. We can still be together...but someday I feel it will have to end.
I cried so hard while I was telling her. My voice trembled as I held her. I am so scared of losing her, even though I know this is all my decision. It's hard for me to imagine life without her. She cried too, which only made me cry more. I hurt her. I've almost never hurt her emotionally before. This was probably my second time..but it was such a huge way to hurt her. We held each other, crying and talking for an hour or two. She doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose her. But I do want to know what else is out there. Having only been with her...I feel like I can't make an informed decision on my own life.
After the crying, we agreed to keep going as usual. And no matter what to always be friends. Our time is limited now, but we still care about each other. We can still make some great memories.
There are mainly 3 scenarios I see at this point.
1. Her parents give her an ultimatum and say get a job by X date or else move home (they actually did this last year before she got her previous job). If this happens we will stop being a couple before she moves. (This Scenario is most likely)
2. She does get a job, or her parents keep paying for her living here. If this happens I will probably have to break things off by the end of the year.
3. She gets too sad about this and can't handle the thought of "impending doom" on our relationship and breaks it off with me.
But for now, I'll just enjoy being with her as much as I can. I'll live in the moment for now.
We aren't broken up yet. Life isn't that simple. Love isn't that simple. I hope she and I will always be friends. And who knows? Maybe in 5 or 10 years she and I will end up together. Not that I will be waiting for that, and I hope she won't either.
For now I'll live life one day at a time.
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I love to read and learn.
I have read a library full of books and delved into great thoughts with reckless abandon. That is until I became a christian.
After I "gave my life to Jesus", since I "was no longer my own" but I was "bought with a price", I didn't have the right to run my life and think great thoughts and follow great thinkers...
I had to follow Jesus...that was it.
I am NO LONGER a christian. I have seen myself, accepted my beliefs and have lived as an EX christian for almost two years. I really have never taken a fighting stance that I needed to protect, preserve and perpetuate my decisions. The reasons for this blog is to allow myself to continue to think through all the areas of my life, my experiences and the beliefs that brought them to me and share them with you, others how are seeking the ability to see life as it truly is...to think critically and logically and love deeply and passionately.
When I had become a christian, I gave up "childish things"...like thinking. No really, that is the mainstream christian undercurrent of thought. Once you become a christian, "God" does the thinking for you. If something happens in your life, it was "meant to happen" to allow God to show his grace upon you or to teach you a much needed lesson because you have allowed pride and self-centeredness to rule your life and relationships. A logical thought, not supported by scripture, was not only not expected but not welcome in christian circles. There was no asking of "why" I would believe this or that but that I "should not believe it" because it was "not scriptural"...In abuse circles, we call this "circular reasoning". The "Bible" was inerrant and was a "plum line" for all truth. If any statement contradicted it in any way, then the statement was false. Period. So much for thinking.
As much as it may seem impossible, I am not bitter about my life and being kept in the dark while being a christian. I understand that those who live that life, as I had done, live it with possibly the same fervor and conviction that I had. I was "saved and sanctified". Funny thing is...I am STILL saved and sanctified. If you believe in the "once saved always saved" then I have not "lost my salvation" but "coming to the truth"...but indeed I have FOUND my salvation IN the truth. The truth has truly "set me free" from the "power of sin and death".
As with many christians, I had also sought quick answers to life's problems. The meaning and purpose of life was made certain by believing and following the christian doctrine. It was a nicely wrapped package complete with a cute little bow on top. I had everything that I thought I needed for a life "of godliness" but again, ironically, I STILL have a deep rooted understanding of "the meaning of life" and my purpose in it. Maybe even greater than I had while I was a christian. It was not such a quick fix for me as an ex-christian but it was my journey. It is my life. And I am not looking for anyone else to give me meaning or purpose but seeking to live honestly, whole-heartedly and "thoughtfully".
If you are in the process of deconversion or may have questions regarding why you are reading this blog, please leave a comment for me. I would love to converse with you and share even more of the things that I have learned about myself, life and how I became an ex-christian.
This is a "learning blog"...a tool of self-discovery and life enhancement. My life did not begin when I became a christian, my life began when I realized that religion was no "quick fix" and I challenged myself to think for myself. You can too.
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Tension In My Mixed Marriage
I came out to my wife as an atheist a while ago. Shortly after she was accepting of it but she was undoubtedly very hurt by this. She was expressing frustration in that she didn't have the answers to questions that I was asking but I wont seek the help from people that have the answers. This is frustrating to me that she can live in ignorance of anything that is so important.
To make matters worse, a few months ago, I said that we would no longer tithe with my income. We would only use hers. At the time she was very accepting of it and we even selected a charity that we would donate to instead of putting our money in the offering plate. That sunday you would have thought that conversation was with an evil twin. All hell broke loose when I didnt write a check at church. Church consisted of her being one of the people who anonymously raised her hand for "special prayer" and when we got home with tears in her eyes she said that she wanted separate bank accounts because if we are not going to be in agreement on where our money needs to go, she will get a separate bank account. We make good money and have always been on the same page about money and consequently we have not had that issue in our marriage. Most marriages are plagued by money issue and we didn't have that problem for the reasons I just mentioned. I have always felt that if you can solve this problem in marriage (money problems) you have avoided the biggest hurdle. I refuse to get a separate bank account since it starts as a simple separate bank account then next thing you know we are sleeping in different rooms living two separate lives and that is not the marriage I signed up for.
For this reason I just write the stupid check. Its not worth it. I love my wife and family and if I have to go through the motions (which is very obvious by this point) to keep everybody together then so be it. I don't cry while they show passion of the christ clips, I spend time critiquing the singing and analyzing outfits. She pointed out to me that its obvious that I am going through the motions and I am a phony. I am a faker. I smile and hug people but they have all made the assumption that I am a believer. While I haven't outright declared myself atheist to our groups I have said that I have BIG questions and Big doubts about all of it. They welcome it and then presumably forget about it as it never comes up to them again.
Bringing up the issue always leads to tears since she is she is so hurt by it. Consequently, its often unmentioned so 99% of the time we are the normal loving couple with a great marriage. The "barrier" of my unbelief has faded to ALMOST not there anymore except that unmentioned 1% of the time. It tends to rear its head at the most inopportune times. While we lay intimately in bed, the "mood" is immediately killed as she says "I miss being on the same page as you" or "I'm smiling but inside I'm really still hurt" or "I wish things were back like they used to be". These are the "ice breakers" (unsolicited, off topic, out of nowhere comments) that lead her into tears and completely disrupt the evening (and usually the next morning since she cries herself to sleep over it). This part is the most frustrating for me because religion has faded in importance in our marriage but because of where its "supposed to" be, when we do talk about it, it seems like all the good times get trumped by my non-belief and once every few weeks she has to remind herself that I'm an atheist and things are not supposed to be this good.
Her wish is that I sit down with a pastor and talk about all my doubts and have them convince me that god is real. I don't want to believe in god anymore. I dont even want to try. I dont want to sit down with anybody and hear their flawed, uninformed, biased arguments. I am much happier since losing religion. There are periods where I am even losing interest in all the bible history and religious stuff from just being burned out. She forwards me articles about how religion is a "personal revelation" and that each person has to find their own path. The irony there is that having known her for as long as I have, I dont think thats the case for her.
In conclusion, just know that I have a great marriage 99% of the time but that 1% of the time sure sucks.
EDIT: and dont think for one second that my kids aren't going to be raised skeptics. THey LOVE science and we embrace that desire to learn.
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She gave a speech today in which she basically rehashed all her old talking points: Obama is evil and probably not "really" American, lawmakers are all evil bastards, guns are awesome, down-home aw-shucks snowbilly Alaskan proverbs about dogsleds, she is very pretty, she has tits (no, really), she is still bitter about 2008, she still thinks teleprompters are evil (I assume because they involve reading), the Midwest is Jesus-land and Midwesterners are the awesomest people ever, reality TV is evil and politicians shouldn't emulate it and she very much hopes we've all forgotten she left politics to try to have one of her own, and she is willing to TAKE A BRAVE AND NOBLE STAND by drinking a Big Gulp RIGHT THERE on stage, etc. I'm still wondering if it was an SNL skit and the GOP is miffed we all missed the joke.What really struck me most is that a big part of her speech centered around how the GOP should forget facts, figures, statistics, and consultants and just keep doing what they "know" is right. By that presumably she means the GOP should continue to be anti-civil rights and anti-women's rights, to keep picking at the Separation Clause, to keep pushing gun rights on a society sick of gun crimes, and to keep denying science so the fundies won't feel too threatened, and oh yes, to keep pushing candidates who are too crazy to win elections. No, she thinks it's genuinely shameful that some Republicans are starting to speak out against the GOP's habit of running ultra-fundie candidates and that some think tanks and advisors are advising against it. She thinks think-tanks and DC advisors are evil too, incidentally. Of course, one such advisory council got her to the vice-presidency candidacy, but like her failed TV show, she's hoping we don't remember that either.
She still hasn't figured it out. Hell, the GOP in general still hasn't figured it out.
Subjective feelings do not substitute for objective facts. There's a reason why focus groups, advisors, think-tanks, and pollsters are used. They work--which is why pollsters knew like a year in advance that Obama was going to win. The GOP itself has a tendency to shoot its messengers when the objective facts don't mesh with their subjective wishes. That's why six months after the election they STILL don't really understand why they actually lost!
The GOP lost because people don't want what they're selling. Flinging shit harder at people won't make them open their mouths any more than flinging it gently did. Pandering to the Religious Right doesn't work. The solution is not to pander harder; the solution is to stop pandering. But the GOP hasn't heard the definition of insanity quite yet. They think there's a way to package racism, sexism, and theocracy in a way that will appeal to voters. Give 'em time; they're just now coming around to gay marriage. In 50 years they might be kind of okay with women in high office sometimes... IF they're married with kids, too dimwitted to be a real threat, very fundie, and also very hot.
And: Only an American redneck could ever think that eating and drinking junk food is a noble thing that should be made a point of at a major political rally. Sarah Palin's last big stand involved eating fast-food chicken sandwiches, for chrissakes. I'm all for boycotting businesses whose practices violate my own conscience, but JUNK FOOD? What, is this Nazi Germany and she's scared that if she doesn't stuff her face with sugar and fatty food that next "they" could come for her radishes? Way to go, Sarah Palin. You sure showed us evil lib'ruls by ingesting a sugar bomb on stage.
Her political showboating failed utterly; she just came off as a catty, not terribly bright, passive-aggressive soccer mom/ex-beauty queen type with an axe to grind and a desperate need for attention. It's just so sad that out of all the women in the GOP, *THIS* was what the GOP considers an ideal female politician. I don't think it's possible for the GOP to make clearer to America that they're terrified of women in power. I'm somewhere between absolutely disgusted and totally amused at this display of ignorance and fundie-pandering.
The silver lining: if the GOP still thinks she's a relevant political voice, then women's and gays' rights and the Separation Clause are perfectly safe for another election or so. We ex-Christians can breathe easily.
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Who Am I?
I have no idea. I used to know. I used to have a clear and complete picture of who I was, what life was about, how the universe worked (roughly), and what my future would be like. This has been thrown around and smashed into pieces several times, a bit like a vase in a washing machine. I'm currently piecing it back together, throwing out the parts that no longer work and adding new parts that I have found along the way. This much I know:
I was born in 1987 in the English countryside about an hour away from London, the middle child of a psychologist and an IT manager. None of my family or extended family were religious. I was taught to be grateful for what you've got, pursue what you enjoy, be open to new ideas, and be tolerant of others. I went to a good state school and sixth-form college, where I became friends with some very devout evangelical christians who were always nudging me to take a leap of faith to believe in their god. I resisted but we remained close friends as we went our separate ways. I went off to university to study foreign languages with the hope of living abroad, having as many interesting experiences as I could and meeting as many interesting people as I could. I drank a lot of alcohol, fumbled my way through a broad range of sexual experiences and found some time to write some essays, which I quite enjoyed and was actually quite good at.
It was in my second year that I gave in to my friends and 'found God' whatever that means. To me it meant committing to a personal relationship with a very mild, relevant Christian deity, but nevertheless adhering very strictly to the evangelical view of the Bible. It was like falling in love for the first time, but somehow better because it was a secret love that only certain people knew about. I threw all of myself into it, heart, soul, and even head. It was predominantly an emotional experience. I think I saw myself as mathematical and logical, perhaps to the extent of suppressing emotions up until that point, and this was my way of setting all of that aside and opening the floodgates so that I could feel something very raw and very intense.
Throughout my time at university I became increasingly fervent in my doctrine and my actions, moving into youth and student leadership roles at church, playing and leading in worship bands, and using my language skills on short term mission abroad. I paid less and less attention to my university work and became ever more distant from non-christian friends. When it came to my year of study abroad in continental Europe I saw it as an opportunity to witness to people in countries that I considered to be two or three times more secular than my own country. The Christians I met there were incredibly strong. In my mind this was either because they had to be to thrive in such a 'spiritually dry' environment, or due to the influence of the many missionaries from the US, many of whom were Bible-Belt fundamentalists. Because I was still learning the language, these guys became my best friends. We would joke about how when they would say pants I would say trousers, we would pray together for revival in the countries we had come to love, and I turned into one of them. I mean in pretty much every way: eating sloppy joe's, cornbread and peanut butter, learning how to play american sports, and I started a relationship with a blonde girl from rural North Carolina. I quickly became accustomed to what for me was a very rule-based subculture. Don't drink, don't swear, don't read Harry Potter. Guys and girls were segregated, and everybody wore checked shirts, had army haircuts and carried a Bible around everywhere. The values my liberal secular parents had tried to instill in me were a thousand miles away.
I got back to the UK, broke up with my girlfriend and had a conversation with an atheist friend on a 2 hour train journey that would change my life forever (again). I spent the next 4 months reading everything I could get my hands on, attending debates, hounding pastors and hapless street evangelists, and generally obsessing over finding out what the truth was. This wasn't an important question in my life, it was the only question. I said my last prayer at the midnight service at my local church on Christmas eve 2010.
I had now graduated from uni, and had lost touch with all the christian friends I made there and abroad, including the Americans, and countless others I knew from or through church. I was living in London, sharing a place with strangers, and I felt utterly alone. On top of that I had no idea what the point of my life was now. I had planned on planting a church or becoming a missionary. At the very least carrying out God's will and living in Christ until I got to heaven. Now what? No eternal life. No point to the universe. No point to my life. And worst of all, as I grappled with these realisations, I had lost all community, routine, support network and even friends. My flatmates could never understand, my parents could never understand, and my old christian friends could never understand either. I began having anxiety attacks and not wanting to ever go to sleep because it felt like a mini-death now that there was no one in control of the universe or my life. I experienced some mild depression, and began a course of cognitive behavioral therapy. It helped reduce panic attacks and some of the symptoms of depression, but all I wanted was to talk to someone about religion, but someone who understood what I was going through.
That's when I found this site in the summer of 2011. I read testimonies, watched videos and read articles by Marlene Winell among others. I have come a long way since then. I've been gradually repairing relationships with friends I had neglected either as a result of my conversion or my deconversion. I have taken up all sorts of new interests, like writing, drawing, running, politics and the environment. I've done another round of CBT and will soon go for some counseling. I still want to change the world for the better, but this time I want to engage with reality. Fantasy makes for great art, but the truth is always a better guide. So now I live my life the way I want to live it. Recognizing that I don't know anything like enough to not change my mind, as Hitchens said, taking the risk of thinking for myself every single day. I create my own meaning, I create my own identity and I'll even change the world. One of my favorite quotes is by George Bernard Shaw: "Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."
You might wonder after all that, am I really happier? As a matter of fact, yes, I am. Why? Because when you look at it in the cold light of day, it really is a wonderful world. I certainly wouldn't have it any other way. Here's to life, the universe and everything. Cheers.
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Destroying Everything Held Dear.
I used to be quite an eloquent writer and considered myself an intellectual. I always was the guy who was quiet, introverted, but always thinking. I learned that I was sharper, as well as more linguistically literate than my peers, around high school. As I came to my junior and senior years, my love of learning as well as philosophy and writing was my strong suit. I always struggled with depression and anxiety, but otherwise I had a pretty good life.
When I started college I was like a kid in a candy store. My professors were just like me, and taught me things that I enjoyed even more than their comedic lectures. When I got into writing class I was told repeatedly by the professor at the time how good a writer I was, despite trying to downplay it to avoid a teacher's pet reputation. I loved using words to elegantly articulate my thoughts and communicate abstract ideas, with a certain joy in being a smart ass. I especially loved history and anthropology. Of course after a year I started having problems with OCD. Even with the anguish of anxiety I still loved school.
I lived for school, scifi and video games; school now being my favorite. I got good grades, spent hours talking after class with my professors about a wide range of topics, and I loved every minute of it.
This was all until I met my soon-to-be stoner friend, getting more into party scenes. Eventually I was persuaded to try marijuana, as he was more than happy to toke with friends. I started out smoking sporadically; every few weeks or so. This was the beginning of the worst and most devastating mistake I'd ever make. Little did I know, as the online cursory research turned up little, that prolonged mixture of the drugs would render my short term memory horribly shot, and my precious literary skills decimated. That my thoughts would no longer be clear statements or mental sentences, but some convoluted mess of narrow cognition and emotional impulse. I no longer was cognizant of my own thoughts, and still am not. Even my long term knowledge, including things I'd learned through those treasured lectures and books were gone, if not frustratingly distant, foggy.
When I first encountered these symptoms I was not worried. I just assumed it was normal marijuana fog that would clear after I'd been off the weed. Other symptoms alleviating at about 5-6 months, as I'd read online in other accounts. However, along the way, I noticed that my issues did not quite line-up with traditional marijuana experiences, about 3 months in. At around 4-5 months I realized something was horribly wrong. I had smoked only a year and I was experiencing severe deficits in memory. What's worse, the symptoms weren't getting any better, if anything they were slightly worse. At this point I started considering the combination might be the source of the novel state of my brain. Indeed it is ironic that someone who was so smart could do something so stupid as mix medications. However, I'd looked it up and couldn't initially see any problems that would be enough to deter trying the drug. In fact, I thought it was awesome that I could smoke weed because I couldn't drink with the paxil. Of course I didn't search as intensively as I did when I was trying to explain my symptoms. I didn't look at prolonged effects, only any interaction. Most said it was fine. I was a stupid 19 year old, just trying things. Unfortunately, the mistake was a large one.
I looked and looked, but only ended up finding one post of a man who was warning others online not to make his same mistake. He had smoked marijuana for 2 years with paxil. He was warning others about how his memory was shot, and how he had trouble articulating himself. How he used to be sharp. Even in his post online he showed how bad he was, having lots of sloppy spelling errors and odd grammar. All I can think now is at least I didn't do it for 2 years, instead doing one. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I'd continued.
However when I realized the gravity of my mistake, my mental fog and that it would never lift. That my issues would stay with me. That my dense cognitive confusion and convolution, would never alleviate. By extension, I would never again be able to talk on the same level, or discuss with any detail or intricacy, topics which I was once enjoyed talking about for hours. My struggle with reading, much less remembering, details of what I'd read in even just a few pages of a book. I noticed how hard it was to try and keep up with story details, even in tv shows; where before I would be guessing what would happen well before hand, now I was barely able to keep up with what was going on. I then began to sink in denial and deep anxiety. I would never be able to pursue college level education, ever again. My purpose and joy was no longer available to me, no matter how hard I tried or wanted it. I could never fulfill my promise to myself not to live pay check to pay check as my parents did when I was younger. I could barely even remember simple instructions for cooking. My whole world was pulled out from under me, everything I valued about myself a memory.
More and more I realized that everything I had expected for my future; all my hopes for a good life and graduating college, gone. Fuck I hadn't even ever gotten a girlfriend, or had sex. Now, due to my self-inflicted stupidity, I would never have that luxury, nor would I even try.
I destroyed everything I loved and all because of one stupid mistake. I never even noticed until after I got off and paid attention. Now every time I see a post on facebook about finishing finals or playing video games with friends, or even just my old friends posting, it rips my heart out. Knowing that I ruined my amazing potential for a good life so soon, so stupidly. That I'll never be able to deeply connect with anyone like that again; barely being able to communicate. That this amazing age of technology and information we are entering in, I will be unsuited for. Now all I have are a bunch of jesus freaks trying to tell me that god can heal me. Debating because I know enough to know it's bullshit, but I'll never get past that into being into relationships with people who are educated and less bigoted.
So please, someone tell me. What is there left to live for? Is life really worth living if you are miserable and incapable of building any sort of meaningful future? Being completely incompetent and losing absolutely everything you held dear in life? I am beginning to more seriously contemplate suicide. Before it was more just daydreaming. Now though, it seems like a quick end to a life of torture being shown what could be, and what I ruined. It's not like I'll be able to have a comfortable life now anyways. Just living in poverty with no friends, and eventually no family, intellectually incapacitated; surrounded by people who are poor and statistically more likely to be fundamentalists out of ignorance, because what else do they have.
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Further Thoughts On Peace
I recently wrote about finding peace. My life took a turn in the road where I am now between jobs, looking forward to moving to a new phase in the unfolding of my life. In reorienting myself, I'm finding it an opportunity to further understand the nature of finding that inner peace, the center from which we are able to move outward into the world, how that who we are is not grounded in our sense of accomplishments, or shortcomings. They should not be.
In a group I belong to of former members of my original church organization, one member posted some thoughts about God, how that imagining God seeing her through a microscope caused in her to feel a sense of envy from God, that she needed to appease him, rather than being reflective of a creative love force that brought her into being. I understand the heart behind such symbolic perspectives. This is what I shared in response:
The shortcoming I see in envisioning God as external to us and evaluating us as doing this or not doing that in order to be 'obeying' him, is that that sort of mental image turns the focus upon ourselves. We are in effect judging ourselves, using some external idea. We are looking at our own ego, and not seeing who we are beyond that.Our inner peace is not a product of how we evaluate ourselves by some standard. The source of it does not come through telling ourselves we did something right, or in telling ourselves someone is pleased with us when they look at us as a person (be that God or anyone else). That sort of exercise only creates a temporary state of mind through 'thinking good thoughts'. That's important for some things as a temporary 'fix' to feeling bad or something, but it is not knowing Peace, which is unconditional, unlike these things.That Peace is known in our very Being, unconditionally. If we are to envision God in the meditations of the heart, than it is to see that unconditional Being that is within our very self. It does not come through the thumbs or or thumbs down approvals of some external or internal judge, but in releasing all judgement into that unconditional Being itself. From that center in ourselves then, that Peace, we see ourselves and the world without these valuations. We see ourselves, and others as we are, eternally. We become grace, we become compassion, because that is who we are.This very much reflects where I am at now. It is a hard place to hold at times as we fall into habits of mind, trying to judge ourselves as we try to present ourselves to the world as needs present. But if we rest in those things, we are dependent upon the things we tell ourselves, rather than in resting in that very Being, our center. As I move to open new doors, I have to be mindful to first rest in my center. From there, who am I can move without self imposed hindrance.
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Should We Just Give Up On The Thanksgiving Holiday?
(First and foremost. I am so sorry for being away for so long. Too much going on in my life and not enough hours in the day. I've been thinking all day today and had to bring these thoughts out in some way shape and form,)
Should we just give up the idea that Thanksgiving is a real holiday for Americans. Who really has that "Norman Rockwell" holiday? How many people in this country dread this holiday more than any other holiday in the American calander? Let's face it. People drive maybe hours or days or rush to caught fights to meet at someones house where they meet ONLY to eat a meal together and perhaps watch a parade or Football match on TV and what ends up happening more times than not--Arguing, fighting, and night full of indegestion or worse from too much food and too much stress. Not to mention that this day has become nothing more than the kick off day for the "Shopping Season". But this isn't truly about the Family Drama that Thanksgiving seems to bring but rather the actual event that kick off the "Shopping Season"--aka BLACK FRIDAY.
Look at the headlines during this past week and a half. Stores pushing that start of the mad Black Friday rampage and dangerous event of rushing to get the more important events of Christmas holiday and store profits ramped up even faster than the year before. Stores are starting Black Friday Sales on Thanksgiving day and those stores that aren't opening their doors until the more "reasonable hour" of 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. are still having workers going on Thanksgiving to prepare for the "BIGGEST SALE" of the year.
But look at it more closely. Isn't this holiday just emphasising those of prilviage to those who are not? I will state right now. I am one of the lower paid americans. I make a little more than min wage BUT not much more. I work hard for my money and I'm not saying that Teachers and Lawyers and doctors and bank tellers do not work hard for their money BUT I know cashiers and stockers who work at various stores who will not have much of a thanksgiving because they must work and THEY themselves will not be able to take part in shopping for those same sales they much supply and ring up. One of my neighbors mother will be at the store she works at and will not see her family on Thursday.
Not to mention the fact that THE "HOTTEST" TOYS and the MUST HAVE ITEMS are priced much lower than any time during the "shopping season" before Christmas. Why shouldn't we see these type of sales or prices throughout the season leading up to christmas? Why is it that we see those who are lucky enough not to work on Thanksgiving or Black Friday treated like non-humans during this time of the year?
I know I won't change this whole event but perhaps if you are lucky enough to be one of those who can partake of this event of Black Friday try and remember those who had to work to make it a shopping event for you and JUST MAYBE if people start realizing that their fellow Americans who are working and a lot of these people aren't volunteering or getting time and a half like they once did but must look at the "holiday" as just another working day maybe the shoppers can make the retailers see is an event America doesn't need as much as a real living wage and a little more respect when it comes to benefits and kindess on how they are forced to work like sub-humans.
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Your First Time... Listen Up Ladies
So, the conservatives hate this ad. It's so vulgar! How dare a woman choose a man because he has the same values as she!
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Moving On
So it's getting close to a year or so when I discovered this place and not much longer after that when I became a member. This community has truly been a family to me during this time of leaving my faith behind. Thank ya'll for reading my posts and responding as always with empathy and understanding as well as opinions. Ex-C really is a great community.
I feel right now that it's time that I move on from this place and take a leave from here for a while. This has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the drama from last week. I just need to take a break and really revel in the freedom that I've found from Christianity. I find that the more I am here the more that I dwell on the injustices and hurts that I suffered in my former religion. I am moving on, from the pain, the hurt, the anger, etc. and really try to just live in the world that I live in. The more that I linger here the more that I make myself into a victim and that's not right. Yeah, things happened but my family really wanted what they thought was best. Some of the best things about my come from my religious upbringing because without it I wouldnt' have left my faith. Kind of ironic, no?
Anyways, I'm going to take a break and get the help I need and stop dwelling on the past. I can't change what happened, what I believed, or my actions but I can live in the now, and work towards a better future for myself. I hesitate to say it but I LOVE YA'LL!!! Seriously, ya'll have gotten me through some shit. I'll be back eventually or I may even lurk but for now I think it's best I leave for the time being.
Thankies,
Zephie
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I Had Too Many Of My Own Thoughts
This probably should have gone in my testimonial back when I first signed up for this website, but a lot of what I'm going to write about are things that I did not remember until I meditated on my past as a Christian. Through this meditation I have realized one important thing: I could never have been Christian for long. If I hadn't deconverted in the past year, like in reality, then I would have deconverted eventually. Throughout my life, I've slowly become less and less Christian in my viewpoint of the world and more and more atheistic. But of course, this was bound to happen.
From an early age, about 6-10 years old, I loved to read mystery novels. In retrospect, I think that this habit of mine was the main tool in constructing how I think about, well, everything. In mystery novels you can't completely trust anything outside of solid evidence, like fingerprints or a bloody knife. Unfortunately for Christianity, this view of the world is at complete opposition to its teachings.
When I think back on my Christian youth, I realize that the way I saw things was almost always in opposition to what my Sunday school teachers and pastors were trying to teach me. Here are a few examples:
- When I was about nine or ten, I got into an argument with another kid in Sunday school about how the trinity didn't make sense to me. I was convinced that Jesus and God had to be two separate people. I mean, how else would the story of Jesus make any sense? If Jesus was God, then what would the point be in sacrificing himself to himself? Not to mention the fact that God could do whatever he wanted. Why couldn't he just forgive people? I remember the Sunday school teacher coming to us and siding with the other kid, who had been arguing the typical Christian response, and I ended up just trying to not think about it so much.
- When I was in fifth grade (about 11 years old) I learned about how people could only be saved through believing in Jesus's death and resurrection. I remember the thoughts I had immediately after learning this: "But wouldn't it be reasonable to not believe? I mean, why would someone just believe me if I told them? Why should people take my, or the Bible's, word for it?" At this point I basically became on of those, "everyone finds their own way" type of Christian.
- By my freshman year of high school, I adopted a Pascal's Wager type of faith, though I did not know that it was called this at the time. Basically, I didn't really believe in the Bible and its God, but I may as well try just in case. Not coincidentally, this was the same year in which I went to Biology class and learned of evolution. I got an A+ in Biology.
- In my sophomore year of high school, I remember having a bible study in which we talked about the uses of prayer. What was the gist of the discussion? There was no use of prayer. At least, that's what I got out of the whole bible study. I'm surprised to find that I'm the only one, out of all of the people there, who realized this. Now, the youth leader kept dancing around this concept, but he never outright said it. It seemed to me that his conclusion was different from mine, but I couldn't figure out how it was different. Perhaps we just had different opinions on what constitutes "use"?
- Also during my sophomore year, during my last church retreat, my group talked about using the Lord's name in vain. I thought the whole conversation was stupid. Why should God care if I say "Oh my God!"? How petty! This was the last church event I ever went to. I even told some of my friends how stupid I thought the whole situation was.
- And again, during my sophomore year, my sister-in-law bought me The Case For a Creator. This book didn't sit well with me at all, but I couldn't understand why... I think I had, as I am somewhat ashamed to say, a sort of "faith" in science. I couldn't believe that scientists wouldn't revise a broken theory. There had to be an explanation. Of course, there was, but my reasons for believing so weren't good, at least in my opinion.
Now, I kept my Pascal's Wager type of belief until early my Junior year, when I did a Physics project on, you guessed it, Pascal. When I learned what the opposing viewpoint to his wager was, I realized that I couldn't keep lying to myself. I was an atheist and had been too stubborn, and perhaps scared, to admit it.
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- When I was about nine or ten, I got into an argument with another kid in Sunday school about how the trinity didn't make sense to me. I was convinced that Jesus and God had to be two separate people. I mean, how else would the story of Jesus make any sense? If Jesus was God, then what would the point be in sacrificing himself to himself? Not to mention the fact that God could do whatever he wanted. Why couldn't he just forgive people? I remember the Sunday school teacher coming to us and siding with the other kid, who had been arguing the typical Christian response, and I ended up just trying to not think about it so much.
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Latest Entry
Dream About Fundie Brother
Wow, just woke up from a wild dream involving my fundie brother (FB) and my other brother (OB). Basically my FB had documents drawn up saying that he was going to have to withdraw from seeing me or my OB ever again. I said to my Hubby that my FB was divorcing us. My FB's reason for all this was that he didn't have the money to come see us. Well, we knew that wasn't the truth and I called him a goddam liar to his face. (That felt really good!) I walked away and wouldn't sign the papers. It didn't matter to my FB, he was already planning to do things and buy more stuff. I just shook my head knowing he was full of it. Truth was, he just didn't want anything to do with us anymore.
I think this dream might be an indication that I need to back off of the time I spend on this site for awhile. Reading other ex-Christians' experiences and feelings has started to bring back some of those same feelings in me and it is making me a feel anxious and overwhelmed. So I might not be around as much. Please don't think that I have been offended--not so, I just need to put a little distance between me and my past again by doing and thinking about other things also.
I think this site is good for me, I have just been spending too much time here and need to keep a balance in my life. Hope this makes sense. I would still like to write my extimony and visit and post from time to time. Hope you understand. I'll be around, just maybe not quite as often!
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Use Your Brains, People!
As a recent ex-christian (6 months sober), I am still waking up to the utter lunacy of the majority of our population. Even as a True Believer, when I saw things like this I was able to call bullshit. I would get aggravated by believers who seemed to check their brains at the door, and felt like they made the rest of us look bad. I feel like a self-righteous ass to admit that. But if you were to get them to admit it – there are many Christians who feel that way. Even though I kept more of my common sense intact than many other believers, I was still much more in the dark than I realized. I didn’t recognize the tremendous scope of absolute idiocy that resides in the majority of this country that I love so dearly. Now, don’t get me wrong. I believed in my share of poppycock! I bought into god’s supernatural intervention, I just tried to balance it with some sense of reason…which eventually led to the undoing of my faith.
What is so shocking to me now is the stuff I chose not to pay attention to. I chose to see my brothers and sisters in the faith as people who were good, god-loving and who would eventually “change the world”. Even though many of my fellow Christians may have been of a different religious stripe, I considered that we were all unified because of our belief in Christ. So when believers did bat-shit crazy things, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, it was “us” against the world.
Now that I’ve moved over to the “dark side”, I am able to more fully grasp the deficit of critical thinking skills that resides among believers. I must admit that as I sat and read through the comments on the above photo this morning, I was shocked. It’s not that I haven’t seen this sort of ignorance before among Christians. I guess it just sank in to a new level for me. Maybe for the first time I really let myself see these people as completely separate from me. I allowed myself to scorn them and their ignorance. I am just now getting to a point where I truly see this vast chasm between myself and my former Christian family.
I must admit that in a strange way this saddens me a little. I realize that I will never again be a part of that greater family. But that sadness is quickly followed by a sense of relief. I no longer have to check my brain at the door. I no longer have to feel like the odd person in the room and the only one asking questions and thinking rationally about things. And I’ve realized that leaving my faith doesn’t mean I have to be alone. I’ve discovered a whole world full of amazing people…people I never would have considered “friend material” as a Christian. I’m now part of a group of beautiful, loving, accepting heathens!
So, without further ado, here is the epic Facebook thread that pushed me over the edge this morning...
The caption for the photo above was "Click share if you see the angel and Jesus!". It originated from the "I Love Jesus" FB page (which you should never visit unless you want an ulcer!). This photo had over 1700 comments. The majority of them were people who seemed to ACTUALLY believe that someone ACTUALLY caught Jesus and an angel at the scene of this accident. Of course my first thoughts were the logical arguments, such as “If Jesus was there, why were these people in a near-fatal crash?”, and “If Jesus was there why did the EMT’s need to help the victims? Weren’t they instantly healed by Jesus?”
Nope. No one seemed to have the balls to ask those questions (or maybe the page administrator deleted such comments). As I read through them, I was amazed and appalled by the fact that most of the commenters didn’t show compassion for the injured people in the photo. Also, I did not see even ONE comment by someone thanking the EMT’s who were there (in real life!) to rescue the victims. And, surprisingly, most of them didn’t mention the very obvious ass-crack in the photo. No, they were all too busy giving praise to god for…um….letting these poor people get seriously injured or possibly killed?
Here’s a sampling of the comments…
The True BelieversTM:
"aye he goin to heaven now thats cray and scary!!" (WTF?!)
"amazing grace!"
"just what I needed!"
"wow! amazing!"
" One day, we will all have to give an answer to our maker. Amazing picture, thanks for sharing!
” (Sure, why not take this opportunity to proselytize?)"breathetaking!" (Why can't these people spell?!)
"gave me goosebumps!"
"they are always there when you need them!"
"why can't we just believe" (In response to those calling "photoshop")
"he's always there and loves when you talk to him"
"please send to my phone or fb wall" (Apparently this person does not understand how to share or send a photo. Shocking.)
"Beleving &Haveing faith" (Again with the spelling!)
"an ever present help in danger" (HOW is helping these victims?)
"amen. guess john sullivan does not know jesus" (John Sullivan commented with "nice photoshop", so I guess he deserves to go to hell?)
"padre eterno que tu anjel cuide mis hijos no nos desanpares telo pido con toda la fe dios mio." (No idea what this says, but I'm sure it's really stupid.)
"WOW! MAKES YOU BELIEVE" (No, it makes me ill.)
"De Javu" (Because you were once at the scene of a horrific accident accompanied by Jesus and an angel? Do you even know what déjà vu means? If so, maybe you could learn to spell it.)
As I skimmed through the comments I found a few made by people who may still have their brains intact. Only a small percentage of the 1700 seemed to understand this photo did not actually depict Jesus and an angel. This seriously makes me afraid for this country!
The Brave Naysayers:
"plumber's crack!" (This guy was one of only a few who caught that.)
"you people are retarted" (of course they misspelled retarted!)
"it's photoshop my friends"
"potato!" (LOL!)
"good graphic"
"you people are freaks" (Ahhh so refreshing.)
"amen to shitty photoshop!"
"photoshop and butt crack"
"hail satan" (This made me laugh! It actually got 11 likes!)
"science!" (LOVE this one.)
"So sad...
" (This was the ONLY comment I saw where someone seemed to actually understand what was really happening in this photo.)"awwwwwwwwwwwww im sorry that happed amen" (Well, this guy almost got it.)
And my comment:
“Maybe instead of ignorantly praising god for this photoshopped pic, you guys could ask yourselves why he would allow these poor people to get critically injured? Don’t you think if Jesus and an angel were ACTUALLY there that they would have prevented this horrible accident, or at least instantly healed the victims? How about instead you actually thank the EMT’s for being there to rescue the victims and SAVE THEIR LIVES? The EMT’s are the only people in this photo who should be praised. Use your brains, people!”
(SOMEONE had to be a voice of reason!)
So, there you have it. I feel like I need a shower to wash off the stupid.
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Latest Entry
The Meditation Guide
This is a slightly revised version of the little guide to meditation which gets mentioned in the forums from time to time. I posted it here in blog form for ease of access. Please leave any questions in the comments section or on the Ex-C Epic Buddhism Thread: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/49256-the-ex-c-epic-buddhism-thread/
The usual disclaimer to satisfy the Dharma Police: I am not a recognized or certified Dharma or meditation instructor in any tradition. These are simply my own ideas and thoughts from my experience.
Recommendations for a meditation location:
1. Enough room for you to sit comfortably either on a cushion or on a chair.
2. The wall and floor of the location should be as plain as possible (ie, solid colors, wood
paneling)
3. Out of the main traffic areas of the home or able to be separated for the duration of one's sitting
session. This is to limit the amount of disturbances.
4. Not lit too brightly or not brightly enough. (Personally I prefer candlelight or natural sunlight)
For outdoor sittings find a location that is quiet and private so you are not disturbed. Recommendations include:
1. Shade
2. Dryness
3. Level ground
4. Shielded from wind
Preparing for sitting:
It is a good idea before you start any sitting, but especially if you are going to engage in multiple sessions, to get some light stretching in before you begin. Be sure to stretch your back, neck, shoulders, knees, hips, glutes, and flanks. This is to help ensure that you do not cramp up while sitting still for extended periods and to get the blood circulating, helping to prevent your extremities from falling asleep.
Hydration is important to meditation as well. Always keep some water handy just in case you start to feel a bit parched. Tea has been used for hundreds of years to keep practitioners awake. Avoid coffee and soft drinks while sitting meditation.
One should also avoid eating large meals before sitting.
Be sure that the time you set aside for meditation practice is regular and uninterrupted. If you have to turn off the ringer on your phone and do not answer the door during your practice session.
Recommendations for posture:
(a note: This section originally included pictures. I do not own the rights to those pictures so instead I have to describe posture through text.)
Perhaps the easiest posture for beginners is what is called “chair sitting”. You will need a chair. Unfortunately, your recliner will not do. Any chair without arms that allows your feet to touch the floor firmly will do. Sit near the edge of the chair with your upper and lower legs at a ninety degree angle. Again your feet should fully touch the floor. Also the chair should not wobble when you are seated in this position. You have a natural curvature to your spine, so you do not want to force it into artificial rigidity. Do not slouch since this will also cause discomfort while you are sitting. Allow your shoulders to hang loosely and naturally. If you try to keep them square, this will only create tension in your neck and shoulders. It is not a posture you should devote any conscious thought on holding. The more natural the posture, the easier it will be to meditate.
The traditional sitting posture is what most people think of when the word ‘meditation’ is used. You can sit directly on the floor, but there are issues with one’s buttocks falling asleep. You will need either a special meditation cushion or a folded pillow (I’ve found that ‘body pillows’ work very well.). Your upper body is held as described in the chair sitting description above. The problem areas of floor sitting are the lower back, pelvis and legs so I will focus on these areas. You should sit near the edge of your cushion allowing your legs to be at roughly a 45 degree angle to your spine. Your knees should rest firmly on the floor but without any of your weight applied- much like your feet in chair sitting. Crossing the legs is more difficult to speak of. You can Google ‘full-lotus’, ‘half-lotus’ and ‘Burmese’ postures for images and possibly even instructional videos of how to sit in these postures. Unless you are rather flexible or have some experience with the Lotus postures, I would recommend looking into the Burmese posture.
I am not aware of any traditional method of standing meditation. However, because I work at a job where I must stand, I did improvise a method. Place you feet shoulder width apart and stand in an erect and relaxed posture. Do not lock your knees.
There are many videos on youtube offering examples and instruction on walking or moving meditation forms. These can range from Theravadin and Zen walking meditation to Taoist ‘qi walking’ to Qi Gong and Tai Chi Chuan exercises.
The Hands:
The most common hand position is called the cosmic mudra. You simply place your right hand, palm up in your lap, rest your left hand (also palm up) in the palm of the right. Gently touch your thumbs together to create a circle/ oval shape with your hands. There should only be enough pressure to hold a piece of paper between your thumbs. Alternately, you can rest your fists or hands on your knees.
The eyes:
“Open or closed?” is sometimes the topic of debate in meditation circles. The standard suggestion is to sit with the eyes partially open and down at a 45 degree angle. Personally, I find it difficult to sit with the eyes like that for extended periods of time. I would suggest that the eyes be kept open normally and focused on the blank wall, floor or a patch of ground a short distance away. Remember to blink normally. The eyes can be closed while meditating. However, it should be remembered that it’s easier to fall asleep or start daydreaming with the eyes closed.
Clothing:
The clothing worn during meditation should be loose enough to accommodate your sitting posture and appropriate to the climate of your sitting spot. Otherwise there is no dress code for meditation.
Duration:
Most Zen teachers recommend a session length of 30-40 minutes, twice a day. Not everyone has the luxury or physical ability to practice this way. If you are new to meditation, it is better to work yourself up to sitting for longer periods. Begin your meditation practice with 10 minute sittings and work your way up to longer sessions. You can also use 10 minute increments and meditate multiple times during a single practice session.
You can use any means you have available to time yourself. There are mp3 format timers you can upload to a player, organize as a media play-list, or burn to a CD. There are also a few applications you can download and some internet browser based timers.
Breathing:
To begin your sitting, take several deep breaths from the abdomen. It is usually recommended to be mindful of your breathing while you are sitting. As you progress you will notice that your breathing falls into a natural rhythm. If your mind begins to wander during meditation, bring it back with a couple of deliberate, deep breaths.
The Point of Meditation:
Much is said about the benefits of meditation, but it is important to realize that in expecting the benefit we negate it. Don't get hung up on the described results, such as "dropping away body and mind,” "kensho," "oneness," or other terms. Just sit, breathe normally and pay attention to your mind.
The Mind and Meditation:
Meditation is basically a concentrated state of mind. Because the mind is concentrated on one
thing, it derives enormous relief from the huge weight of thought that it usually experiences.
Imagine for instance the sound of an 80 piece symphony orchestra, with all the musicians playing different pieces of music. This is like the mind’s normal condition – a skull-numbing cacophony of thoughts, tumbling through our minds and if truth were told, most of it is utter dross and totally irrelevant to what we actually want to do with our days. It’s amazing that we can put up with such a noise, but we do and this is why we get so tired and stressed. Now imagine what a joyful relief it would be if all the musicians stopped and left a single flute playing a single pure note.
This is what the mind is like in meditation – resting on one single pure thought.
~Shankarji, English sadhu
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The Sin Of Cynicism (Copied From The Main Blog)
The Sin of Cynicism
4/06/2011
By agnosticator ~
The Greek word translated as “Sin” in the Bible is “hamartano”, literally meaning "to miss the mark." Just what is the mark that is missed? The New Testament says the first couple “missed the mark” and we all are blamed for it:
Romans 5:12:
"Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—
Romans 5:18:
Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people,..."
We can conclude from the first couple’s story that obedience was the mark they missed. Apparently, we are born missing the mark thanks to them.
Humanity is born disobedient and also evil. Evil means many things that are considered offensive to God in the Bible. In Mark 10:18, Jesus said no one is good—except God alone. Ephesians 2:3 also states we are by nature deserving of God's wrath. The concept of "Sin" is tied to our nature, because we are born evil and therefore also missed the mark. How can a newborn baby be considered evil and only capable of missing the mark, when it just has the capacity to learn a concept of self? The newborn is beginning to develop in every area of its being, and has yet to learn anything about where to aim!
This view of human nature omits the truth that humans are born with the capacity for both good and bad. The capacity for good is dismissed while the capacity for bad is blown out of proportion. This God of love's assessment of humans is cynicism at its worst! "Sin" and "evil" are religious terms created to convince us there is something inherently wrong with human nature. We have totally evil tendencies with no hope of any goodness. I find it hard to believe anyone has ever been totally bad in thought and deed. Sin, evil, and Salvation are overreactions to the dark side of humanity.
Sin serves to make us feel bad about ourselves. Besides inheriting Sin, the authors of the New Testament allude to corrupt morals as being the sin and evil in people's lives. Since no one can be morally perfect, being a helpless sinner in need of Salvation can induce guilt where none is merited. Our evil thoughts and deeds count, while our good thoughts and deeds mean nothing!
Sin is stronger than the love of God since a God-human sacrifice is necessary for Him to love humanity. Neither is God's forgiveness stronger than Sin, because it was not possible for forgiveness without a sacrifice. Love and forgiveness become complete through action. It is what one does for another that fulfills them both. If God forgave humanity there would be no penalty, nor terms of acceptance of love and forgiveness. His all-powerful, all-loving nature, isn't.
Humanity's dark side can be held back by embracing our better half instead of demeaning it. If we aim for the good qualities like hope, love, and forgiveness, we can triumph in an imperfect world.
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Why Didn't Jesus Write Anything Down?
Here is a question I have about Jesus. Why didn’t he take the time to write anything down himself?
As I understand it, the basic message of Christianity is this: That God had a message so important for human kind that it would provide a way for each individual to avoid everlasting torment in hell. To do this he had to become a human in the form of Jesus Christ to bring this message to humankind.
So he shows up in the bronze age, and instead of spending his 33 or so years on writing this message down clearly in way that would not be confusing, he relies on the visions and dreams of people who didn’t bother to write about what he said until many years after he died.
If Jesus was the incarnation of the mind of God, couldn’t he have been the most compelling, persuasive author of all time? Couldn’t he have written down this message in all know human languages?
Instead the message of Christianity relies on copies of copies of copies of writings where no originals exist, and different account in the gospels have contradictions and discrepancies.
The people today have to take it on faith that the New Testament writers got it correct, and 2000 years later there are groups of remote people who still haven’t been reached with this message.
This doesn’t sound like a very well thought out plan.
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What's On My Mind.
It's been almost a month since I posted my first blog entry on this site. That's a long time for me, I posted quite regularly on the site I used to hang out on before it closed.
I'll tell you what has been on my mind lately-my wife. She is still a believer and she gave me hell when I first told her 2 years ago that I didn't believe the bible anymore because she was and is embarrassed. She was (and is) more concerned about what her friends would say than she is about my "eternal soul". In fact, she has never once expressed any concern over my spiritual well being. It has always been, "how could you do this to me?" statements.
Then there is church attendance. We left our last church for other reasons around the time I deconverted and I promised her I would go to church with her when we found one she liked. Well, guess what? It's been 2 years and we've been to church 3 times. It's like she's not really interested in going to church, it's just something she tries to use against me.
There are other things as well that I won't go into, but suffice it to say that if there were no other reason for me to not re-embrace Christianity, her actions would be sufficient.
Couple that with the statistics that Christians are not better people than atheists and I have to wonder what it is they think they have? What did I think I had? I honestly don't know, but I know that I used to be cock-sure that I knew.
Enough rambling for one night. I just wanted write something. I'm going to try to be more regular with my blog, its therapeutic.
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So Much For Summer
Hey guys -
Have I told you all lately how much I appreciate you? I don't blog here enough, although I think about you daily. This is the only place I can come and say what I'm feeling - not only about religion, but about anything - because no one here 'knows' me. ;-) I mean, you all know me as an internet friend, but you aren't blood-related, a face-to-face friend, or park visitor, or a team mate at work. Since I've been working, now everyone I know there is my friend on Facebook. So I have to check myself. I can't bitch and moan about annoyances when my supervisor and team mates are all reading it.
Not that there's a lot to bitch and moan about, but, you know.... there's crap everywhere and we all make it and step in it... so there's always something.
Mostly, I love my job. The job itself. I enjoy talking to the visitors, showing them what's special about our park, talking about wildlife, telling them about fungi and flowers and birds and bugs. But there are downsides, too. Like a lack of leadership or mentoring on my supervisor's part. So... it sucks, but it's not about to change. So I live with it for as long as I'm there, don't expect anything different, and when it's time to move on, I move on. But I wanted more.
I have learned a lot, however, mostly as a result of having to answer questions for the visitors. They're constantly testing me and making me stretch my horizons, so I'm always doing more research, learning more. Which I love doing. But as far as learning to be a better NPS employee or resource interpreter... I haven't gotten any of that from my higher-ups.
Also, I haven't saved any money this summer like I suggested I would. Which should have been expected. But I bought several big-ticket things I've been needing/wanting. Like a new laptop and iPad. Upgraded Adobe Creative Suite.
So I'm no closer yet to my goal of having an RV and SUV. Now with the initial blast of spending out of the way, however, perhaps I can focus on my 5 and 10 year plans. Which are vague and dreamy yet. But include the RV and SUV, and traveling from park to park doing nature interpretation and Campground Hosting and ....
Something I'm afraid to even say out loud. Or rather, to even write here for your non-judgemental feedback. Cuz it's tantamount to being a bad person.
I want to live alone. I have dreamed of living alone for most of my life (including childhood), despite loving my husband who is truly a wonderful supportive man. And despite loving my children, who have become intelligent, healthy, grown adults.
So part of my dream is to earn enough to support myself, pay for my own RV and SUV and groceries, etc, and live alone.
There. I said it.
I don't want a divorce (anymore). I love my husband. I'm just sick of living with other people.
This weekend, I'm home alone (with the dogs). My husband and our grown daughter (who is out of work and lives at home) have gone to the family reunion. I probably could have gone, but I didn't really want to, so I said I had to work. Which is mostly true... I'm not sure I have enough leave hours to cover 3-5 days off... but I might. I didn't check. Because I wanted to be home alone. And now I am.
And it's bliss.
I feel like a bad person. I don't even want to be with the people I love and who I know love me unconditionally (they're proven it). I want them to continue to love me, and I don't want to hurt them, so I squelch my desire to be a hermit in the woods.
I feel like a bad person for having these feelings, although I've had them most of my life. In fact, when I was a kid, one of my friends asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Even then, I wanted to be a hermit.
Ok - wow. This blog has gone in directions I didn't anticipate. But that's the story of my life. If you would have told me 5 years ago I'd be an uniformed park ranger now and speaking in front of groups about woodpecker and butterflies, I would have thought you were crazy. But here I am.
And there you are.
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Easter~
I was awake on my computer with lights out last night when the Easter Bunny came...but I didn't know that. I left to go to the bathroom at around 1am and saw my Easter gift early. I felt like a traitor or something lol
Facebook feed is abound with Christian status updates, and I saw a truck today that someone had written "Follow Jesus Lord" and "John 3:16" on the back of it. Well then. Here I am, saying that I don't need a blood sacrifice or a god or anything like that to be a good person and feel good about myself. EASTER IS ABOUT EGGS SILLY
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Confession 4
My mom had one of the worst childhoods imaginable.
My brother survived Afghanistan even though some of his friends didn't.
I've been through one tragedy and dealt with it and it was no where near as bad as those others. So why can they deal with it and I can't? I've always prided myself on being strong, not crying, being tough skinned. So why do I always break down? Why do I let these things get to me? Why am I so weak?
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Being A Woman In A Christian World
Being a woman in a Christian world isn't at all like being a man, I think. We are to be submissive and let god, Jesus, our fathers and our husbands all tell us what to do and think. It never has seemed like a healthy lifestyle for women. I am glad I got out.
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A Letter To My Christian Friends.
Since my revelation of my deconversion from Christianity, I've been asked one type of question more than any other. What purpose is there to life? What hope do you have without god? Isn't it depressing to think that we're just here for no purpose?
I'll address each of these, but first I have to point out that the question is rarely about coming to my conclusions from a logical standpoint. It's usually about how it FEELS to be an atheist or agnostic. The general theme of the barrage of questions from Christian friends is about emotion. Some even say that without god or Jesus they could not continue. This is an emotional statement. Much the same as I might say I can't live without my family, the truth is that I can live without them. Life will go on, and eventually I'll find my emotional support from another source.
-What purpose is there to life?
As I have explained to numerous people, my purpose in life is to leave behind a legacy. My legacy may be short lived, but legacy begets legacy. It's a chain reaction. My legacy may be lesser than that of Albert Einstein. But nonetheless, what I leave behind will be of importance to someone.
Some would argue that the purpose of life is to glorify god. Why did he create us if that was our only purpose? Is he so vain as to need us to love him? Is he such a needy god as to desire that we glorify him. Isn't the whole of existence a glory on it's own without us having to pay homage to an absent god? If there is indeed a god, I believe it to be of no real consequence ultimately. I think that all the beauty that surrounds us is evidence of something that was purposefully created. However, I have no proof of said creator. So I admire creation while I'm here. Isn't that ultimately glorifying to a creator? I can read a novel with an unknown author. I may appreciate that novel, I may gain knowledge and insight from that novel, but without knowing who wrote it, I can simply only appreciate the novel itself until I meet that writer. Upon meeting that writer, I have proof of his being. At that point, his glorification comes in my acknowledgment of his brilliant writing. Isn't that good enough for him?
So for me, I may not know what my purpose is at this moment, I may never know. But that's not what matters. What matters is that I lead a fulfilling life and live true to myself. I'd much rather be content for 70 or so years than live that length of time under the aegis of a god who tells me that I'm inferior to him, but he loves me anyway. How screwed up would our kids be if we told them that nothing they would ever do would be good enough?
-What hope do you have without god?
I hope for the future. I don't need there to be an eternity to make my life meaningful. Meaning comes from my current state of affairs. My life could be hopeless with Christ, and indeed in some ways it was. To me it was incredibly hopeless to think that my life was ultimately out of my control. I put my happiness in the hands of an absent god, who might be content with me remaining alone for the rest of my life. That's a hopeless state to me. You might be saying that the difference is that I'm glorifying myself instead of god. No. I'm simply living my life. I'm not elevating myself over anyone else. Am I better than rapists and murderers? I believe so. I live my life at a higher moral state then they. I contribute more to society than that. However, I'm not elevating myself anymore than any other normal person. My hope is in the life ahead of me, not the penultimate death that awaits my physical body and the ascension that might await my soul
-Isn't it depressing to think we're here for no purpose?
No. That's an emotion. Emotions are not only transitory, they are subjective. How you view your existence is not the same as how I view mine. Ultimately, we are the authors of our own purpose. That's comforting to me.
Much love,
Randi
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Testimony Of Disbelief...
I am still relatively new here...even though I have been signed up on this forum for almost 2 years. I say relatively new because I have a on and off activity range here. So here's my testimonial...it is short and brief:
I realized that truth was objectively relative and relatively objective so I realized that being honest to myself and others around me was more important than relishing in the Doubting Thomas syndrome and more important than believing in impeccable truths.
End of story without further questioning by strangers...
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Latest Entry
Mosquito Bbq
Look into my eyes.
See me full of surprise.
See me burning with demise.
Hate arise, justice serviced at sunrise.
The time is here and now so surmise.
There’s no knowledge inside.
Take the bus for a ride.
Fill up your backpack with formaldehyde.
One more minute until arrival now run and hide.
Input the answers to your questions.
I have no understanding so I’m all for guessing.
I once had a home but the mosquitoes got me arrested.
Said I was a blood sucker without work invested.
Took the shortcut to the central blood bank for my daily bread.
Found a funnel with a tube and drank myself dead.
The children were looking at me like they were disgusted.
The adults cheered because Jesus Christ was now digested.
God said let there be light and congress scattered.
Like cockroaches into pop cans under the rafters.
I’m not very concerned about life hereafter.
I can’t seem to concentrate with all the laughter.
The devil is sitting behind me playing poker reminiscing about natural disasters.
The world might be crumbling but Tiger Woods flopped at the masters.
The world is melting but Lindsay Lohan just got out of prison so it doesn’t matter.
World news organizations deliver news by the kilobyte to keep our minds scattered.
I think on the eighth day God transformed into the mad hatter.
I’m hanging out at a mosquito barbecue.
No repellents to keep them from eating you.
Mr. Pig and Cow sitting at a table with a view.
Asking the waiter for the dinner menu.
Will you have the daily special of freshly ground human stew?
Don’t worry we ensure you they were extensively abused.
Kept in a box, legs broken and their flesh beaten and bruised.
If you’re stupid and naive we could always microwave some tofu.
Welcome to the mosquito barbecue.
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” (Sure, why not take this opportunity to proselytize?)
" (This was the ONLY comment I saw where someone seemed to actually understand what was really happening in this photo.)
