Death for me over the years has rarely been difficult to process and move on. I've buried quite a few, only mourned a couple. The two I mourn are now memories I guard so earnestly a mother bear could not rival my ferocity. These two people immediately bring on the wet eyes and short tight breaths when I just so much as think on their lives, their influence, and my loss.
This past January I experienced a third loss of someone very important in my life. It's hit me very hard, and I am surprise
"Three thousand years..." For three thousand years, we have watched over the sands of time. Watched civilizations rise, and watched their fall. We have stood as the stewards of all events in history - from the fall of Rome, to the rise of the Soviet Empire. We made the Berlin Wall crumble, and we built up the new face of the world. For the first time in our history, we watched...as we failed. We watched, as one man thwarted our plans. And we watched as another presented new ideas. However, failu
Despite having found out the urban dictionary definition of this word, dorbies still makes me blink my eyes slowly as I digest what happened. Upon further thought on this, I quickly discovered that I am stuck in the perpetual climb of complimental words. While I have never been accused of turning heads where I walk on any occasion, the number of "odd" events had suddenly exploded to unsustainable levels.
As the previous entries have detailed time and time again, I have lost a bunch of weight
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
Once upon a time, there was a girl who stopped believing in love. She was cynical about marriage, and thought that it was everyone’s problem, but her own. She and her father had so many problems between the two of them, that they seemed insurmountable, at times. The girl had once left faith, but then she returned to it…and it all felt different than before. Better.
Someone told the girl
I'm unsure of where to begin. My heart is torn into pieces, even though I'm the one who left him. I did everything I could to help him. Before we broke up, I was a caregiver for a codependent leech who lacks the ability to care for himself. By becoming a living sacrifice for him, I kept hurting myself, my needs and wants uncared for, brushed to the side. And when I left him, he took all of my help, all of my care, everything I did for him, and spit it all back in my face like it didn't matter.
Ok this is going to be a vent, because I realised I get crying bouts and difficulties in concentrating from holding stuff in, and I really need to be able to study.
I'm doing well. I find it's kind of unfair. This is probably some echo from years back.
I'm getting amazing dental care and my depression is healing very well. I still take all the meds and other care as before because I sure don't want to stumble and fall back down now, but my direction is very good.
The problem is I wi
Can hardly believe this year is nearly over. As the calendar flips over to the 1st of December, we are officially in the final days of 2015, moving on into 2016 and beyond. This coming year offers a grand chance to get this officially situated and squared away, pending a successful contract signing in February. If that happens, the following happens:
New place. I will officially be able to get back out on my own again, and finally start to make some headway in terms of being a responsible adul
I'm going to probably catch some serious flack for what I'm about to say, but bear with me.
I'm not offended by the whole #PrayforParis bit. I have several reasons for this, all of which I think are fair enough. The first being that many folks cannot comprehend what they can do to render aid to such a large scale tragedy, let alone console those who have suffered. This is not a condemnation of their humanity. This is not a failure to act. This is the variations of the biological responses we
As it stands, my return to a workout routine has not been the best yet. Two days in now, and both have been cut short due to the need to get back into my regimen. Today came with my body deciding that it didn't want to run, so my body got weak and I had to stop, almost in a: "Nope, not doing it motherfucker!"
Doing some research a couple days yielded a brilliant guidance tool for measuring your daily metabolic rate: A BMR calculator through google. My BMR is 2104.5 (meaning I don't get out o
Many call me the fool for my inability, or maybe even refusal, to move forward in life from a very traumatizing situation that followed me pouring my being into helping someone I felt like I could love. Watching all of the answers I wanted finally come together, and I'm yet still left with asking where I messed up. While that same many have told me it was nothing I did, it takes two to tango and somewhere along the lines I couldn't connect the dots. Or maybe I didn't want to, blinding myself to
When I was a Christian, I:
Constantly felt guilty for the "sinful" things I kept doing, such as pre-martial sex, drinking, masturbation, etc.
Kept asking God to take away my desire to "sin" and to live in the "spirit", not the "flesh"
Distanced myself from non-believing friends and prayed for them to come to the Lord. Tried to not participate in dirty/vulgar language and jokes
Did not watch certain shows or listen to certain music or read certain literature because it went against the Bi
...do we ever catch a break from life's grip? My entire existence seems to be fighting against some invisible force who is hell bent on making my every step a fucking chore. Today alone, I have thrown out my back, had a clamp fall on my head, had my mind explode, and had every thing and its grandmother go wrong in terms of work content. What have I done to piss off this invisible force?
I have struggled since day one on this Earth, being born clinically dead due to being choked by my mother'
So today I once again attempted to find where my mom hid my birth certificate and SSN card. She had mentioned that she had it all together for when we would go to get my passport. I know it has to be somewhere. So, I often go hunting for it when my mom is off somewhere. I often find stuff like drawings, crafts, school assignment, papers, and progress reports from preschool. This stuff eats me up. I feel really guilty for want to leave and rebelling against my family's wishes. I know I need to pr
It seems that once a month is a good interval for updates.
Life's been good. Yesterday was such a day, if I still believed in God I'd have thanked him for all the nice coincidences. I didn't miss a bus because a garbage truck appeared in its way before it reached the bus stop I was running late to. I've had the flu, and the local pharmacy was offering zinc pills for free because they're great for people with the flu. That kind of thing after another. At some point I noticed the silence in m
Well, wasn't going to post anything about this, but because I've come to know some of you, and care about you...albeit in a virtual way...I thought I'd share this here.
I've decided to go back to faith. Not my former faith life, that 'former' me is gone. When I deconverted from Christianity, no one could ever prepare me for the journey that would lay ahead. There were days, when not having any beliefs at all were great. I'd say...liberating, at times. And then there were moments, when I miss
I last wrote about how I've been thinking of my late brother, and how I was feeling a new anger about how my mother handled (well, didn't handle) the situation when we were all living at home.
It didn't come out of nowhere. You see, last week, I met a person with pretty severe Tourette's. He had extremely loud vocal tics, flailing of arms, and also continuous very, very hard coughing. It was obvious he wasn't doing any of it to be a nuisance, and he wasn't very healthy anyway with his obvio
It's been a month since I last blogged. Life has calmed down and changed into a lot of routine, with my studies having started again and my health being okay for now.
One emotion keeps emerging, though. A new kind of anger. It's one I haven't allowed myself to feel before, because I was so occupied with trying to make sense of bad things being my "fate" or "god's will" or whatever so they must just be accepted and "understood" and the worst thing, thanked about.
It's been about exactly
The Christ’s Rebellion series is here! Book One: The Wayfaring Son hits the Amazon bookstore on 9/14/15, and is available for pre-order by 9/9/15. Only 99¢ if you pre order, otherwise will be $1.99. Each episode will be released every two weeks. This novel is complete.
Son of a carpenter, or son of God? This is something that Jesus of Nazareth is on a journey to discover, but he isn’t sure where to begin until he meets his future mentor John the Baptist. Little does Jesus realize he will bec
Jehovah spoke to me, told me to act. Vester Flanagan.
America, we have to stop the double standard being applied to Christianity. Just like in Islam, and even within Hinduism, you have your extremists. Still many Christians beg me not to judge the entirety of their religion, yet turn right around and denounce the entire lot of the Islamist community as extremists.
Jesus lovers everywhere, it’s time to understand that this is where extremism starts. In the actions of lone individuals, who
Hey girl, you’ll drive me to ruin…
Zeppelin seemed oddly appropriate listening for tonight while I was reading more and more articles revealing well-known celebrity men being revealed on the discreet cheating site known as Ashley Madison. A large majority of the men being outed are Christian, have families, and a few have already had major headline backlash for other incidents of malfeasance that are recently made public. One such fellow would be the seemingly headline plagued Josh Duggar. H
Many times as an atheist, I enjoy the quick synopsis of horrible Bible stories that are available online via other atheist groups or secular networks. You read about all kinds of outlandish tales like that of haunted vaginas, girls seducing their father with alcohol, or an entire town wanting to rape angels.
Some of the stories want to make you laugh or cringe, while others make you want to cry and rage at the horror they share. Then there are the ones that you thought you already knew the s
Jesus didn't approve homosexuality. Jesus Saves! WWJD? Jesus take the wheel. Jesus is Lord! Y'all need Jesus!
Jesus on stationery. Jesus on itty bitty gold crosses dangling from your mom's neck. Jesus on billboards. Jesus in politics. Jesus on South Park. Jesus on toast.
Jesus fucking Christ! I get it already.
Every time I hear someone tell another,"I'm praying for your healing." Saying this while standing next to a friend, bedridden with cancer. Every time someone lets me
I have a month of time to decide whether I choose to have dental surgery.
First of all I'll mention that I'm going to discuss this at length at least once with my great, very experienced dentist before the date comes that my decision for this autumn must be finished. So that puts my mind at ease somewhat. But before that, I'm weighing the pros and cons.
My bite is thankfully not catastrophic. There are many things wrong with it, but it could be a lot worse. I can choose to just have a de
I said it out loud in the breakfast table this morning: "Thinking you're in guidance makes you do random things". It's a truth about how I used to be, a very sad truth that made me waste so much time and make some very stupid decisions. Well, as it's random, I did make some very good decisions too, but didn't take much of the responsibility for them either - I decided they were me fulfilling someone else's plan.
There was only my boyfriend listening, I'm still not "out" as ex-Christian to my