Death for me over the years has rarely been difficult to process and move on. I've buried quite a few, only mourned a couple. The two I mourn are now memories I guard so earnestly a mother bear could not rival my ferocity. These two people immediately bring on the wet eyes and short tight breaths when I just so much as think on their lives, their influence, and my loss.
This past January I experienced a third loss of someone very important in my life. It's hit me very hard, and I am surprise
So I'd felt this awful fatigue for a couple weeks. Fatigue that stopped me from concentrating on anything personally difficult for long, from staying up late on some evenings (I totally crashed into sleep earliest at 9 pm no matter what I was doing at the time), from so many normal things that it was annoying and also becoming worrisome. I was thinking I may be pregnant, so I went to see a nurse to have a blood test.
Then, on Wednesday before I got the blood test results, the pain started. S
I read an interesting article on CNN the other day by Craig Gross. For those who aren't familiar with Craig, he's a pastor and founder of xxxchurch.com, which helps fight porn addiction. The article he wrote was entitled "Is Judas In Hell?" , and you can read it here: http://www.cnn.com/2015/02/19/living/judas-hell-jesus/index.html.
In a nutshell, he acknowledges that Judas made a big, big mistake. As did Thomas. But, he skates the question for a larger dialog about what is important to focu
It was one of those little paper cups that one can put ketchup or tartar sauce in. A white little bowl of pressed edges and a crimped rim. Almost origami like. Just a shallow condiment cup that, at its bottom, held two impossibly small pills that held too many promises to believe.
Help me sleep.
Help me calm down.
Help me have control.
Help me feel normal.
"Help me," I said to myself as I swallowed them down unquestioningly. This cup was my first introduction
This entry was inspired by an article and two quotes that referenced it from another blog [Naked Capitalism] that I follow.
Link to Original Article [Titled: "It's What Jesus Would Do, Right?"]
For those unsure of what anachronism is: a thing belonging or appropriate to a period other than that in which it exists, especially a thing that is conspicuously old-fashioned.
That's pretty much what Jesus is in today's world. An old fashioned story about a guy who supposedly p
As requested, a compilation of some of my essays are now in eBook format. There are fourteen total compositions, nine of which are new and not published until now. This short book focuses on some of my reflections of childhood abuse, loss of religion, and so on. I know most who read my experiences enjoy them simply because one can relate.
And if one can relate, then you aren't crazy.
Book is approximately 40 pages, and available in either pdf or epub format. Does include a lame cover ar
In the early 90's I had the first of my nervous breakdowns. My mind was racing with out of control thoughts.....I was so ill and less than 24 hours after my first symptoms developed, I found myself in the care of the local mental health hospital and my medicated lead recovery was slow and painful. I remember being taken to the local village by a member of staff (we walked), by body had a reaction to the meds and seized up and I had to crawl back on my hands and knees as my muscles would not wor
A lot of politicians and congressional members have been making the headlines in some of the worst ways lately. Headline making behavior like writing treasonous sounding letters of hate and rebellion against diplomatic talks directly to Iranian leadership. Making the phrase "climate change" an unrecognized term when talking about Earth science. Trying to declare Christianity the state religion. Submitting legislation that proposes punishing homosexuals....wait for it...for being homosexual. Ther
For about a week now I've been drafting a blog entry. Hopefully I can finish it, because starting to write it really made me think and it's proving itself difficult to get coherent from start to finish.
Anyhow, someone mentioned Dumbo in the forum threads and this really embarrassing realization came over me.
You know, I could read when I was 4. I started to know letters when I was 3. So I could read books, comics and subtitled TV shows to myself. And I sure did, because I was both a ver
The Book of Genesis is the first of the 66 books traditionally accepted as the Protestant canon of the Bible. Because of Mark 10:3, Luke 24:27, and John 1:17, Moses is thought by many to be the author of Genesis, as it is part of the Pentateuch, or the Law. According to chabad.org, Moses was born in 1393 BCE and died in 1273 BCE. Christiananswers.net posits that Moses compiled his book from accounts kept by Adam, Seth, and the other 11 generations mentioned in Genesis (i.e., "this is the book of
I hate to admit this, but I have a trophy folder on my laptop. Not game trophy images. Not racks of deer I've hunted. Not the typical photos of my children standing all posed with academic or sport awards. No, it's a folder full of screenshots. Frozen images in time, with winning moments in debates with religious followers who attempted sparring with me about belief.
There was a time when I wasn't feeling confident about my lack of belief. I didn't realize it then, of course, that this was t
This forum is a crazy place in how much it makes me self-reflect. I'm looking at me, not an idealized dream of how I'll be when God has made me all better, not a part of a gigantic divine plan, not even... what, indeed, what am I, what am I not? Some days it's hard to say, because I viewed myself through such a weird lens when I was a believer.
I had a dream that's related to this. In it I found these new glasses of mine all bent and dirty. I was with the two people I live with, BF and Roomi
"Anyone who believes in that shit is an idiot. Feeble minded and stupid."
Man, that is pretty harsh an assessment of those who believe in religion, isn't it? It's even harder to hear when you don't share the same attitude towards theists. Worse? What if that was your lover talking to you? These type of atheist attitudes can be difficult in a relationship with a friend, family member, or lover. I've found myself in this type of scenario, and in public no less, and it completely jived against
There are those who maintain that without the absolute standard of the religion they follow, no morality is possible. There are those who maintain that they have a perfectly good moral standard and standing with no religious outlook. It's a word that gets bandied around to no particularly good effect, with endless and sometimes vitriolic debate over what is right or wrong. Probably we are all guilty to a greater or lesser extent of thinking in its' terms without having much structu
Craig Hicks made headlines this week after brutally gunning down three UNC students over an alleged parking space disagreement. Many are saying in reports that his aggressive response was part of a larger ideological motive. Deah Barakat, 23; Yusor Mohammed, 21; and Razan Abu-Sallah, 19, were of Muslim faith, and Hicks is a self declared atheist.
There are postulations abound to be read about Mr. Hicks and his deadly act of violence against these three young people just getting their feet in
As I've stated elsewhere, I love Fight Club (the book and the movie). If you have not seen it, you will likely be lost in reading this, and it will include spoilers. Please do yourself the favor of watching it first.
Ideas are larger than individuals. Fight Club is about an idea, expressed well, I think, by the character of Tyler Durden (portrayed by Brad Pitt in the film):
In my "fall from grace," I see the plot of Fight Club. A man in the midst of pursuing his ideal lifestyle and all
My new glasses arrived on Monday. If I was still religious the way I used to be, I'd meditate on the coincidence in how in my old glasses the left lens was so wrong, I wasn't really using the eye and thus not seeing properly without knowing I wasn't, and now that I've gone through all the deconversion and all the changes it's brought, I also got these new glasses and the world looks physically quite different because I use both my eyes again.
Staircases look the weirdest. The craziest thing
Before you begin this blog, and if you are not familiar with Shalom Auslander's writings, I ask you to enjoy this podcast from This American Life that reads a brief short story of his called Chicken Coop For The Soul. This story is the basis for my discussion today. 8 minutes of your life, go ahead and listen.
Okay, so hopefully you listened to the piece and I ask you, if you could reveal the truth, would yo
This is something I wrote in the "Sex & Christianity" forum, but I wanted to share it here, as it really goes beyond sexuality (though it is hinged on it, I believe).
Lust was always a hangup for me as a Christian. As I've stated elsewhere, I am a virgin, but I became addicted (truly addicted) to pornography and masturbation. The problem was that I hated myself for it. Most of my prayers were in penance for my sexual sins. Now that I'm an agnostic/atheist type (still working on that), I hav
I went to an optometrist today. It was years overdue, I last had my vision checked in 2008 and I should do it every 5 years at max. This should teach me to actually do it - my vision had improved quite dramatically.
Ah, the new glasses are going to be so nice. I can't wait to wear them! I can't wait to not have my eyes tired all the time from the wrong lenses! Hooray!!
I wrote an introductory thread where I tried to explain my extimony, but it was poorly written and even more poorly thought out. I included details I didn't need and left out important details, so here's my official story.
I was born with a disability called spina bifida. I can walk, albeit with a limp, but I do have other, more embarrassing problems with it. I was ridiculed in school for my disability, as well as for being a young, outspoken Christian in a Christian family. When the ridicul
It was another terrifying experience. One of many throughout the years. This time I woke up, face covered in tears, mind in a panic as I took a few minutes to calm down. I spent a bit longer than usual getting reoriented, my mind's movie content having hit a NC-17 for a number of things. But confirming that horrible episode of disaster and loss wasn't my reality anymore always takes a minute after waking up anyway. Deep cleansing breaths of cool forced heat assured me of what my slowly waking br
I guess the title of this entry says it all really.
I have a tendency to run from positive relationships, and I'm trying to break that habit. My biggest issue right now is that I feel numb, as in, I cannot feel my emotions, whether I care deeply for someone, love them, or simply feel deep respect for them. The only exception to this is my children, whom I know I love unconditionally as any parent should.
All I want right now is to feel again, it appears as though this is goi
First of all I want to apologise to everyone who commented on my last entry - turns out I still don't have my notifications set right, as I didn't see the comments before today! I'll have to work on that.
I've come out as truly Ex-C to three people now. My BF, my psychiatrist, and a friend who knew I'd left New Age anyway but I hadn't told him everything about it before now. It's been surprisingly good.
I'm still struggling with how to come out to people with whom I shared my act