Still Trying To Get To The Bottom Of It.....
3
Goodbye Jesus
When I was a kid I liked the song JOY JOY this must surely mean, jesus first and yourself last and others in between. That resonated with my natural propensity for looking after people, so I learned early to care deeply about everyone's needs. To me this has been the focus of my life, the way I thought we were meant to live to make the world a better place for all of us.
During my time as a christian I was often puzzled by people not reciprocating that. I have spent a lot of my life crying b
For just one year of my life, just one, I would like it if there was nothing to be angry about. That is yet to happen. No liars, no emotional. retards, no bludgers, no people where I have to carry the whole load for the relationship, no fairweather friends, no people who havent dealt with their own emotional issues. I'm just so fucking tired of having to beg people for the things I need. I want my life to be more than just working and my heart hurting and washing sox.
In the past few ywars it has really come home to me how differently I view the world from the average person. Even growing up I saw things that other people either didn't see, or ignored. I was always that kid who pointed out the emporer was naked, and sadly for me I was surrounded by people who were not very bright. They laughed at my questions and told me my curiosity about the world was odd. I was lucky enough though to have access to libraries, that answered a lot of my questions when other
It astounds me at times how much shit has to go down before I learn lessons. When I was a child I was born into a family that had nothing of value to offer me. I learned early that at least I could trust my grandparents, and if I wanted an example of how to be a decent human being I should look to them, not my parents. On top of their lessons to work hard and look after yourself, christianity seemed like a good deal. I was obsessesed with being a good person, so the image of jesus I was sold fit
The hardest thing for me is understanding and processing that people simply just do not care, they just dont. I have always cared about everyone as much as I can, and that has been a lot, I have lot of natural empathy. The cognitive dissonance this shit causes me has been frying my brain for decades. I think though the truth is finally starting to get through.
I have two ladies that have been my friends for a very long time. Neither of them want to discuss how badly this rift with my daughte
I sat in the delivery room for ninety minutes after you were born, just looking into your eyes and having you look back into mine, our hearts were winding around each other, forging a bond that I always thought could never be broken. Your father and I loved you with everything in us. Even after he and I could not stay together we tried to make it as easy on you as we could, spending equal time with each of us and us always encouraging your love for the other. I adored you.
I never had that,
I know my biggest problem is my extreme emotional reaction to things. I do not have either an off switch or a volume control on my emotions. They swamp me and I have very little control over that.
Right now I am possessed by extreme rage, because I am so angry at people for not wanting to be the best they can be. I have always been like this, I suspect it is my melancholy temperament, but this goes beyond a preference, it is an obsession.
I have always thought that if I could still love
I have never really liked being alive very much. Still don't. The fact my kids needed me kept me here for a long time. Now they don't need me anymore, and while I am glad about that, I don't really have any reason to stay.
I love my partner a lot, but life has taught me that down the road I will probably lose him too. I never expect anything to last now. Someone younger or prettier or more suitable will probably come along and take him from me.
All I see ahead of me are more years of str
My parents destroyed any chance I ever had of a decent life when I was very small. Luckily for me I was born with raw tenacity and defiance, which is the only reason I am still alive. Some days I wish I weren’t. It is slowly but obviously becoming clear to me that no one else is ever going to understand the misery I live with, and no one is going to care about it.
People expect me to walk around in the world like I am just like everyone else. I am smashed to pieces, I will never see the worl
I was watching Revenge last night, a story about a girl who comes back to get even with the people who wronged her father. As I was watching it, I realised I don’t really understand the need for revenge or to get even. Often it is called justice, but I don’t see any justice in it.
Where I grew up, if someone wronged you, you wronged them back, then they got you back, then you got them back, and on, an on. It never made any sense to me. I could not understand why anyone didn’t say hey, this s
When I was a little girl my mother taught me two things. One was that just because I can do something, doesn't mean I should, the other was no lies ever, unless the situation was life threatening. That was a long time ago now, and I am just starting to understand how far away. My grandfather taught me in both word and deed that the content of one's character was the most important thing, and the constant honing of the conscience, to keep one completely honest with oneself at all times. I learned
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