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Relaxation And Realizations

During my hiatus I've begun to regularly consume a certain herb of questionable legal status. I was sitting in the storage area underneath my residence, smoking a bowl in the dimly lit area with only my new puppy for company. I had some chill EDM tunes playing on my phone. It was a quiet night on the plains, a little chilly in the unheated underbelly of a relic. Wrapped in my jacket, preparing for lift off...   I realized how insignificant humanity is. Now I can't turn that realization off. We

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Memory Lane: First Loves And Other Disasters

Come with me, to visit the rambling past of an irrelevant human female....   -----------------   As a teenager, I had a tough time fitting in. I was quiet and withdrawn. I had issues being around boys due to being sexually abused for years by neighborhood boys as a child. In grade 8, my mom made me join a youth group at a church near our new home. They kids there weren't bad but I just didn't fit in. I slept next to the girl's youth director and her two little girls when we went on trips bec

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Dead Inside

"The devil inside, the devil inside Every single one of us the devil inside The devil inside, the devil inside Every single one of us the devil inside   Here come the world, with the look in its eye Future uncertain, but certainly slight Look at the faces, listen to the bells It's hard to believe we need a place called hell, place called hell" -- lyrics from "Devil Inside" by INXS   True. So true. Evil exists in all of us. Doing the right things in life is sometimes a punishment. That'

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Jesus: The Inconvenient Anachronism

This entry was inspired by an article and two quotes that referenced it from another blog [Naked Capitalism] that I follow.   Link to Original Article [Titled: "It's What Jesus Would Do, Right?"]   Quote 1:   For those unsure of what anachronism is: a thing belonging or appropriate to a period other than that in which it exists, especially a thing that is conspicuously old-fashioned.   That's pretty much what Jesus is in today's world. An old fashioned story about a guy who supposedly p

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Reddit, Anyone?

I've been toying with the idea of starting a subreddit for interested parties here on ex-c. There is already an ex-christian subreddit, but it's not really anything special, imo.   Sometimes we have fun or deep discussions in chat or on threads that seem like they deserve more attention. Also, some of us are more open to exploring certain things like philosophy, meditation, speculative fiction, fringe theories, political issues or other topics that just don't fit within the scope of the ex-c s

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Reason #2: Why I Left My Child-Like Faith Behind

********************   This is part 2 of my series "Why I Left Child-Like Faith Behind". Read Part 1 HERE first if you haven't already.   *********************   When we returned home, there was emptiness. The room felt empty, even though little Nikki was still there. Grandma B wasn't and I missed her terribly. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I developed an aversion to beds. The spot where my grandma had fallen in front of the door became my sleeping area. I took a giant beach towel a

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Reason #1: Why I Left My Child-Like Faith Behind

This entry is going to kick off a series of entries over the next 2ish weeks. In the process of making some changes in my life, not sure where they are headed.   -----------------   Reason #1:   When I left my faith last time, it was due to a lack of evidence. I think that is the case for many of us here at Ex-C. Nothing special about me. Now, I find myself reconsidering faith. It is a startling notion for me to even entertain the idea of believing again. Faith violates logic and mocks rea

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Internal Struggles With The Eternal

I have been struggling with a lot of things lately. My mother's declining health My drinking problem My health problems My oldest sister's morbid depression and committal to an institution My grandmother moving to another state to live with relatives that I don't trust Extra shifts and responsibility at work The loss of two longtime important friendships back to back last month Issues with my girlfriend who is currently living 2ish hours away while attending a master's p

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Trying Not To Care...

Last week, I finished reading "The Alphabet Vs. The Goddess" by Leonard Shlain. It was a very good book and it caused me to reconsider a lot of things about my journey away from the faith. I wrote an essay about my journey. I wanted to share it with my former mentor. She and I have had our falling outs over the past year or so. Last week she emailed me and we had a minor row about her not respecting my boundaries (not going into that here).   Anyway, I was very excited about this essay. It re

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The Future And Its Distractions

I've been trying to come up with an idea for my 2014 NaNo Project. I did semi-autobiographical stuff in 2012 and LGBT YA in 2013. I really wanted to do speculative fiction this year, or spec-fic for short. Speculative fiction is basically riffing on the future, theorizing about what will happen and why a certain chain of events may happen. I like that sort of thing.   I'm a bit of a futurist. I am not heavily into Kurzweil's works, but I do enjoy thinking about AI, nanotech, genetics and how V

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Shit Hitting The Fan Called My Life

Just a quick entry from me tonight.   I'm going through some personal stuff. Been thinking a lot about God, praying, etc.   As some of you know, I care for my grandmother. She hasn't been doing well these past couple of weeks. Lots of long nights, extra medication and chronic pain...   Last Thursday, my mother (who also has health problems) fell and fractured her left elbow and severely bruised her left hip. She also damaged the tendons in both of her shoulders over the course of the past

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Entering The Fertility Cult

**Part of the "Reasons Why I No Longer Believe" series       Yes. YES. This is how I feel most of the time. I left Facebook once my friends started getting married and having kids ~3 years ago. At the time, I was still in the church and pretty actively so. I had temporary custody of one of my sister's sons. They were my everything at that time. I am infertile and have known that kids were never going to happen for me since I was a teenager. I have a rare genetic condition called Nonclassic

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Text Message Apologetics: What's In A Name?

News of the Day: My friend MJ finally had her fucking kid. A precious bundle of uncircumcised fake Jewish joy, complete with a really obscure Hebrew name. Bleh.   Anyway, we had a conversation via text today and she went there. Oh yes she did! Just had to throw the whole "you don't believe so..." excuse for not answering my questions as to why it was such a big deal to give her son a hideous name that will be mispronounced for the rest of his life. Here ya go, ex-cs...   *Note: I didn't incl

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Jessica, Gwen, And The Devastating Consequences Of Prolonged Human Depravity

Part of the possible series called "Reasons Why I No Longer Believe"   Reason #7: Gwen, Jessica, and The Devastating Consequences of Prolonged Human Depravity   What is it to love another? What if the other person does not want to be loved? Or cannot respond in kind? What do you do then? According to the doctrines of long-suffering emotional stifling and doing battles with the demonic forces of the Enemy of All, you are to take it on the chin, like a (wo)man. No matter what, God will work hi

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Skeptical (A Pre-Deconversion Novella): Ch. 1 - Caleb's Cancer

****I wrote the following around the time I quit attending church. Not sure links still work and I admit there may be flaws in my calculations. Very long and verbose.****   --------------   This is a story, an example of probability, possibility and the delusions that many believe.   There is a family that goes to the church that I sometimes attend. I do not know them. Perhaps we have passed in the halls or the worship room. That’s about it though. They are believers, hardcore holy-rollin

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Decompression

This is not a well-thought out entry.   I'm just really pissed at myself and at other people right now. Just messaged a friend online. Got the brush off. A variation of "I'm busy and I'll try to talk/email later this week."   Fuck it. I'm through caring about people IRL. They're all a bunch of fucking liars and hypocrites. It's always "I'll make time for you later."   Reminds me so much of my childhood, I can't stand it. My parents were like that, always wrapped up in their own worlds, put

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Wanting Something To Be True Doesn't Make It So

So I'm pissed off at MJ again.   Why do I care so much about this one friend from the old days? Why does she get under my skin when no one else does?   MJ is expecting. She is due in September, I think. Maybe August. I haven't seen her since April (or was it May?) We had a falling out about my lack of belief and my unwillingness to sugarcoat things around her. She wants God to be real, really real and can't tolerate my outspokenness.   GOD AIN'T REAL.   It doesn't matter if you feel him,

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Musings: Gender-Bending Jesus, Sin, And Righteous Asshats

July. A crazy month if there ever was one. It was around this time last year that I began to doubt the existence of Yahweh and his holey son Jesus. I wasn't in a good place mentally. I had been writing a lot of erotic smut and posting to a few websites that are into that sort of thing. It was a release for me, a release after 2 years of attempted reparative therapy. From 2008 (when I accepted Christ) until 2012 (when I had my falling out of sorts with God), I was beset by "demons".   My therap

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The Vicious Cycle Of Self-Hatred

This is a heavy entry. I'm trying to sort some things out.   TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of sexual abuse below. Do not read if this is a problem for you.   I've dealt with depression for most of my life. As a small child, I was very quiet, always afraid of my father who had a boiling hot temper. He wasn't around much due to his job, but when he was home, we were expected to walk on eggshells. He drank a lot and wasn't always the kindest man around. Don't get it twisted. He was a good provider, not

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God Never Gives Us More Than We Can Handle?

I'm tired of pithy sayings.   A good friend of mine said that God only lets us get as much as we can handle. I strongly disagree. I'm tired of arguing with her. Not that we have been arguing. One can't argue with someone who refuses to engage in reality, preferring to maintain delusions about a best friend named Jesus.   Thing is, I've been considering going back to it all. I almost want the delusion. I want the dreams. I want the comfort.   I'm sick and my grandmother is sick and everyone

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Teachings Of Jesus Vs. Philosophy

I have been working on a project for the past month or so. I thought that maybe some of my research would be worth sharing. Not really a forum friendly topic, so starting a blog seemed like a good idea.   Judging Others “Judge not, that you be not judged." - Matt. 7:1, ESV   "Do not judge your fellow until you have stood in his place." - Hillel, leading Pharisee and theorist of Judaism during the time of Herod the Great. (Pirkei Avot, 2:5)     Turn the Other Cheek "But I say to you, Do

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