Better part of the second day of sobriety is over. The depression and the nasty feeling in the pit of the stomach has come. The lack of appetite sucks. Excessive caffeine use just lead to more depression and anxiety.
Was gonna walk to the store to buy some headphones but chose not to because of the promise to stay sober for today which I may have violated if having gone to the store.Now there is an online addiction I need to address that I'm substituting for the drugs. Was acting like a whiny pussy at ex Christian but thanks be to God(maybe ) some of the guilt is gone now that I realize that I'm not who I was in the past and don't have any evil intentions toward others.
If it weren't for the promise to self and others not to use today I would have run to the store to make this depression go away. TomorrowI'll see if I can renew the vow to not use for another 24 hours.Since I'm trying to commit to not shoplift, I'll have to pay for the fix if I relapse. It will be a total of 11 dollars for two bottles but much cheaper if I go to Wal-Mart.
Failed at my goal to get organized and clean the room. Messy room is depressing. Had some fun taking my tarantula Next door and educating some people about them. Got extremely arachnaphobic people to touch their first giant Hairy Spider. They were so interested in it they followed me home LOL Finding little things like that to do help.
I want to go for a run but this fucking knee prevents me. Running is such a great coping skill. I miss the 12 mile runs I used to be able to do. Going to the gym and swimming and lifting weights would be so helpful when tempted to use.
Tried meditation but the uncomfortable thoughts and mental torment wouldn't silence. How much do you want sobriety? Sobriety could mean a new life, a good job, better mental health, a girlfriend , a wife, kids, more money, better place to stay, better health, better look, and the ability to help other suffering addicts.Desire sobriety more than anything and have faith that it will bring a new and happier life, and you will get there. Sobriety is possible, much worse addicts have achieved it.
Am worried I will relapse tomorrow which is why I wont renew my 24 hour vow until I see how desperate I am. What I do promise is not to shoplift tomorrow.I can do this! One day at a time. Kill the addiction or it will kill you. You are no longer using the drugs. They are using you. They are your God and they have your ass! I feel a little less miserable and hopeful after this entry.