Why I’ve almost never had a girlfriend, and probably never will.
I’ve been looking at threads + posts on these forums regarding women, dating, virginity + nice guys. It’s saddened me to once again remind myself of how much of a “nice guy” I am, or was, or still am. When I say “nice guy” I mean it in the nicest possible way (read: worst possible way).
When I was growing up I swore I would never be like my father. I would never be the violent, angry, physically + verbally abusive person he was (and still is). I was half successful in not being like him. I’m not violent, angry or abusive, at least not towards others. But I continue to be like him in other unfortunate ways: I’m insecure, I lack confidence, and I often worry about what others think of me. I’m not that bad. At least I can make decisions for myself, even if they are often wrong, I can cook + clean + do my own chores, I don’t need to enslave a woman or child to do these things for me. (“That’s why I had you kids, so you could do things for me!”)
I used to be “interested” in certain women, all through high school and university. “I’m obsessed with such-and-such” I’d say to my friends at high school. But I couldn’t do or say anything to “such-and-such”. With a face as acne infected as mine was, I knew what any response would be already. One girl found out “through the grapevine” that I was interested in her and she let me know in no uncertain terms that nothing would ever happen between us. I wrote another girl a letter. She wrote back saying “thanks but I already have a boyfriend up north.” Even when I had the courage to “ask a girl out”, or “declare my interest” the answer was always and unequivocally “NO!” (always expressed in terms of “just friends/thanks/I’m flattered/boyfriend somewhere else.”)
Then Christianity came along…..
“JESUS WILL HEAL YOU!”
“JESUS WILL HELP YOU!”
“JESUS WILL SAVE YOU!”
“JESUS WILL CHANGE YOU!”
“It doesn’t matter that you’re not good enough because JESUS IS GOOD ENOUGH!”
Jesus will find me a wife, I thought. Yeah! He’ll answer my prayers like he promised and find me a nice Christian wife. We could raise a nice Christian family, and we could share our Christian love with each other, and the world. After all, the bible is full of references to how good marriage is and how much better than being single it is and how great it is to find a partner. (Pr 5:18-19, 18:22, Eccles 4:9-12, Song of Songs, Eph 5:25, etc) Bullshit. Whenever I tried to ask a girl who I knew from church out, or “declare my interest” the answer, again, was always and unequivocally “NO!” (again, always expressed in terms of “just friends/thanks/I’m flattered/boyfriend somewhere else.”) “Same shit, different day”, so to speak. Jesus didn’t heal me, help me, save me or change me, and, of course, I was never good enough.
I’m not a people person. I don’t “go out”. I’m not into joining clubs, although I have joined a couple, none of which, incidentally, have any women near my age, and, on the rare occasion that they do, no matter how hard I try, I always fuck it up.
I even moved to a different part of the country where I could more easily get away from people. (Actually I moved so I could chase a woman I was interested in. I stayed because of the other reason, among others.)
I had a “girlfriend” for two weeks. I “got” her by trying to be the exact opposite of everything I was up to that point. I was cocky, secure + confident. But then my insecurities began to show themselves, without me even knowing it. Within two weeks I’d managed to say something so hurtful that it pretty much ended the “relationship” then and there. I tried to apologise, but she “read between the lines.” She could see the insecurities in me that I couldn’t see.
Back to depressing normal.