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Thoughts Of Illness

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yunea

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This stupid weather! Right now it's much too easy to dress yourself way too little or way too much. I feel a cold coming on and I have an exam on Monday, I'm trying to survive by resting a lot and studying at least a few hours every day. I just hope my body won't do the old trick of getting my fever up high the previous day so that I can't even think of going. I've had that happen many times, especially before my burn-out in 2011/2012.

 

My head's been doing weird things. I hallucinate colours and my eyes have a hard time focusing. In the autumn, due to sensitivity to my meds, I would wake up during a few nights and freak out over seeing flying snails. A good thing that my head chose flying snails for vision material, as right then I was in the middle of the huge crisis that ended a few months later with me knowing I was agnostic. Seeing angels or something would have wrecked me up even worse. But since I saw flying snails, I knew for sure that it was my head crying for help and had my meds adjusted. The visions stopped and I was told that if I ever see anything like that during daytime, I must get to a doctor asap. But random colours aren't anything like that, right?

 

I think of my past a lot. There's so much there that's hard to accept, and there's a lot that I think that I've worked through and gotten over, but then situations come up that show I haven't, at all. It's not uncommon for me to wish I could start my life all over again.

 

Thinking that God picked the perfect family for me, and then during my New-Age period thinking that our souls had promised each other to walk together before we were born, was such a waste of time. Forcing myself to think it was "good" that I had so much illness in the family, that my suffering has a "higher purpose" that God would let me see clearly at some point. Waiting for that goddamn purpose to become crystal clear, expecting it to be something amazing because I'd been through so much crap. You know, you can't make blades without fire, without beating them just right, and someone prophesied to me a long time ago that I would be a weapon of God one day. How glorious that "one day" would be when I'd transform from a particularly ugly duckling to one whose every little step is guided.

 

I had a strange mother. Well, she's still alive, but we're not in touch much at the moment. She wasn't openly fundie when I was pre-school age, she'd tell me that religious people were weirdos, in the middle of singing some very beautiful hymns. I didn't know what to make of that, so I took the "religion is strange" attitude and had other imaginary friends.

 

When I was 12, a first grader died on our school trip. Suddenly my mom felt like telling me the poor kid had gone to heaven. At that point I thought all the stories of Jesus were mostly akin to fairytales or fables, and there I had her tell me the kid was in heaven, and even some 15 years later tell me that it was the right thing to do.

 

Years went by and I wound up Pentecostal, amazed that the hymns, the book, everything was "true", based on the personal religious experiences I started having. At that point my mom had spent some years expecting ufos to come get her, she made me watch X-files when I was in elementary school and told me it was real. But now I was sixteen and she told me she was Pentecostal as a teenager too.

 

Now comes an interesting detail. She said that back then she knew a girl who could ride a bike with her eyes closed because God guided her. She said that God is like that to the ones who have had the worst lives; that particular girl had had a huge tragedy happen to her, I forget what exactly. But she was riding her bike with her eyes closed and never crashed it.

 

How much I wanted God to love me that much too. How my heart ached for that kind of love.

 

 

If nothing else, with her example mom taught me to NOT give birth to a single kid before I'm sure I won't be completely delusional when the kid is growing up. It doesn't matter much whether it's ufos or Jesus or a huge conspiracy theory you're indoctrinating the kid with, just being raised so detached from the world and so frightened of enemies that aren't there is incredibly harmful and I won't personally subject a child to that. Not even if I go past my best fertility age trying to get better. I don't believe that I need kids, but if I ever have a kid, I know it'll need me. And if I am to be a mom at all, I want to be a mom that can be counted on, a consistent mom, a mom who knows who she is and can show a good example of self-esteem. The mom I didn't have.

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///God is like that to the ones who have had the worst lives.....How much I wanted God to love me that much too. How my heart ached for that kind of love.///

 

It makes you wonder how much worse my life had to be as just a freakin' kid in order to get his help. Is it really any wonder I started trying to find demons to hurt me just to get his love? I absolutely understand where you are coming from on that need for love. At least you know you won't leave your "someday" child searching for it. <3

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Good blog post.  I think you should mention the hallucinated colours to your doctor... better safe than sorry, you never know what it could mean until you ask.

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Thanks both <3

 

FT, I have my next scheduled appointment in May, but maybe I indeed should call him before that and ask about it. 

 

///God is like that to the ones who have had the worst lives.....How much I wanted God to love me that much too. How my heart ached for that kind of love.///

 

It makes you wonder how much worse my life had to be as just a freakin' kid in order to get his help. Is it really any wonder I started trying to find demons to hurt me just to get his love? I absolutely understand where you are coming from on that need for love. At least you know you won't leave your "someday" child searching for it. <3

(((Zomb)))

Just now I got a flashback - standing in church (maybe during a song?) looking over the people, and feeling like I wasn't filthy enough to have my life changed by God. 

 

Kids (or adults, for the matter) really, really shouldn't be taught like that that being bad and hurt enough earns you some kind of miraculous divine love. :( 

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