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At What Point...

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Travi

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...do we ever catch a break from life's grip? My entire existence seems to be fighting against some invisible force who is hell bent on making my every step a fucking chore. Today alone, I have thrown out my back, had a clamp fall on my head, had my mind explode, and had every thing and its grandmother go wrong in terms of work content. What have I done to piss off this invisible force?

 

I have struggled since day one on this Earth, being born clinically dead due to being choked by my mother's umbilical cord. Then, even once I was free of that - I was drowning in embryonic fluid that had flooded both lungs. In an effort to save me, it was siphoned out and along with it, the natural lining that protects out lungs. It has never grown back, and my lungs have been the bane of my existence. Asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia - all of them I have battled. Add in depression, anxiety, and the feeling that life is just out to kill me because I have defied death four times now, and you have a melting pot that is ready to blow a gasket.

 

At what point can we honestly plead to whatever invisible force it may be for some reprieve? At what point are we granted some sort of asylum from having the mind bombarded with so much bullshit and fuckery? People say we are the makeup of our own existences, but I didn't ask for every god damn day to be a fucking chore. I have never asked for much of anything in this life (living is enough), but for some reason - whatever it is, is not happy that normal is an option. No, it has been pressure and pain all damn day, and I don't even get any relief with sleep because we can also add in the fact I'm an insomniac to the list of shit that just plagues my existence.

 

I have tried nearly every technique there is, in an attempt to turn my days around. None have worked, and the day to day just keeps getting worse and worse. My physical and mental health are beginning to suffer as a result. Most of it is in the shift I work, the worst fucking hours possible from 2:30pm to 10:30pm (1430 - 2230 for you 24 hour people). No life, no chance to do anything unless I wake up early (an impossible chore on most days because of my inability to sleep), and with the amount of mental exhaustion I deal with on a daily basis, my mind is so fried by the end of the day that all I want to do is die. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I'm too god damn stubborn to even do that.

 

Inaugural entry. Short, but had to unleash some frustration before I broke my hand punching a metal panel. More later.

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That's really rough, sorry to hear about it. :(

 

It's so true though, so many people who live in pain/poverty/life-threatening situations from day to day have not done anything to get into that situation except be born (and that is not a choice). Not everyone has equal opportunities at all. 

 

Virtual hug.

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