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Studying The Tape




Did the obligatory reminiscence yesterday afternoon while I tried to sleep and realized how uneventful 2015 was outside of a few major events. I essentially tried to break out of my introvert shell on a couple occasions, meeting with mixed results. A lot of it depended on context of event and when and where it took place.


January: I rang in 2015 alone at home while recovering from the car wreck that was still fresh on my mind and body, the effects of the concussions making life miserably and hellish. Worse yet, I was missing my girlfriend (now ex) who had decided to visit family, a decision that I did not mind. However, being injured with a minor brain injury really made me depressed and I found myself in tears on most nights. I made it back to work for a day and a half before the effects of my concussion became all the more apparent. Wound up burning close to a week of vacation while I finished recovering. This entire time, I still was without any contact with the gal I loved. I was beginning to get a little concerned. I managed to make it back to work, made a few arrangements to finish the repairs of her truck and oversaw a lot of the things plaguing her, finding solutions and making the adjustments needed for her to find a clear view. It seemed to work.


February: This month started rather well, having got many things situated in my life and hers. I was looking at moving, but was set back due to dealing with the aftermath of my car wreck. Had a heart to heart with my girlfriend and told her how I was feeling about things between her and I. The beginning of that end had begun, although it had already been so for many months at that point I would later find out. Valentine's Day weekend, in an effort to try and get things back on solid ground - I went all out. Roses, a big stuffed puppy dog, a heart pendant necklace, and tickets to a Garth Brooks concert (of whom I was not a fan of, but was willing to suffer though for her sake). All in all, a good chunk of my paycheck that week went through everything for the concert. We went, had a blast, and I had a feeling that maybe things would be okay. Two weeks later, I had begun writing a poem to her (more on that in a moment), when my phone rings. She winds up breaking it off with me over the phone, citing a story that later turned out to be false. I shelved the poem, and quietly grieved the night away. I began to focus on my flaws and after a brief assurance of we could be together again once she sorted things out, I just held my breath. It was also during this time that I returned from the brink of Christianity for the second time, having gone back into it because she had asked me to (her being a "Christian" herself).


March: I did a lot of soul searching, finding no real answers to the problems that plagued me. I continued to focus on my flaws, trying to find a way to maybe win her back (once I found out that things were fine, she again recoiled at the notion of getting back together). I also started a few self destructive habits during this time, mainly drinking heavily and smoking. During this month, she attempted to contact me - wanting someone to talk to. I had offered to bring her to the venue I was frequenting at the time with some friends, but she refused. At this point, I told her that if she had no interest in anything other than asking me to be her punching bag, to leave me alone.


April: After working overtime one night, it dawned on me that one of my major flaws was my looks. While I can't help much in the face department (having been hit with the ugly bat a few times in my life), I decided that maybe I could work on other areas. Deciding that this was the thing that I needed to improve on, I joined the local gym and didn't look back. Absolutely certain that my problem was my being 280 lbs, I decided to slim down and maybe that would be enough. Eye candy I had been told was important, so may as well make myself as attractive as possible. People starting noticing, except the one person I was trying to impress. But it got to the point that I had started and was not going to stop now.


May: My birthday was uneventful, a few more phone calls between her and I yielded nothing - so I had finally given up on that. Met a very short term friend with benefits that didn't last long, and made my first attempt at being an extrovert to VERY disastrous results that nearly landed me in the hospital due to anxiety attacks. The friends that I had tagged along with apologized for it, but it wasn't their fault. Still trust those people with my life.


June: Uneventful, was on 3rd shift and basically working, eating, sleeping, and going to the gym.


July: Same here.


August: Was put on 2nd shift and I entered into a MAJOR funk. That shift has always been the bane of existence just due to the hours. I fell back onto my bad habits and began to get a little loose with money. Between drinking heavily again, and spending more time than I should at bars and clubs of two types, I met a few people along the way that I was not destined to have any association with. One of them however, I do rather miss due to her kind nature. Sadly, have lost contact with her along with the rest. Met a few new people through Ex-C, and have maintained good friendships with them. A few others, not so much.


September: The funk continued, tensions at work rose due to my working partner who had anger issues and extreme OCD. My method of working conflicted with his and it led to many exchanges of verbal and non-verbal (though never physical) daggers that we eventually were able to rectify on a day when we both were too tired to even think straight. I began looking for a way to reset things, finally found it when a job opening can available. I also, at this point, finished up the poem I had shelved back in February, ending it with a closing tone of basically telling her to never cross my path again.


October: Suffered through some union issues and finally landed my new job, and back on 3rd shift - and not surprisingly, my life began edging upward again. Met a few new friends along the way and managed to keep a minimal contact with them, mainly when work schedules don't conflict.


November: I upped my workouts, in an attempt to reach my goal before the end of the year. Plateaued pretty hard, and have since. However, compliments have began rolling toward me with the progress and a few odd events in terms of encounters with women that left me puzzled. To this day, I still scratch my head at the encounter in the produce aisle at Walmart of the run by "YOU'RE CUTE!" gal that bolted no sooner the words left her mouth. I still wonder how much money she made on that bet.


December: Was weird in a lot of ways. I was sick for most of it with a respiratory virus, then a bad back, and then I messed up my foot running. That injury has lingered into the new year.


As I look into the new year, I go into it limping quite literally, but I'm hoping that is on tab this year will be worth the wait. A Tough Mudder run, FINALLY getting moved, then another Spartan Run-esque event, along with whatever bells and whistles that go with it.
Sorry for the wall of text, just wanted to write and got carried away. Happy 2016 everyone.



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