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Belated Thoughts About 2015

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knightcore

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I finally figured out how blog posts work, so I guess I'll start it off with an introspective post about my past year.

 

2014 was really hopeless for me, I had to drop out of school completely and was pushing towards saving up so I could move out of my parents house. I'm not out to my parents, and I don't mean religiously, they know about that. I mean actually out to them as a gay guy. It was a really, really stressful time for me. I wanted to be able to figure things out for myself more but was so afraid to push it because I was worried they would find out if I was too obvious. My dad is getting more southern by the day, and honestly I am terrified of every coming out to him.
By the beginning of 2015 I was in a decent job, and all I did was work. For the first half of the year all I did was wash dogs, muck out kennels and deal with my super temperamental boss. I wasn't planning on moving until December, but in January I realized how depressed I was getting.

 

I'd always told myself I would go back to therapy if I was suicidal. I didn't this year, we had too little money and the only ones around were the religious ones I had seen previously. When I was on campus, I had been seeing a therapist who worked there. It was free, and he was also the head of the LGBT department. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have solidified a lot of stuff about my gender and sexuality. But I wasn't allowed to see him anymore once I left school. I ended up just throwing myself into my work even more to cope, and hung on to moving in August or July as desperately as I could.

 

I finally planned on moving as early in July as I could so I could find a job by August (I moved to a college town, and that's when all the students would be back by). I put off telling my dad as long as I could, because he didn't want me to move in with the people I moved in with. Which hurt, a lot. They weren't terrible people, I've known them for years. But my friend is a lesbian and her brother is a single guy, both of which my parents were 100% not down with me moving in with. My dad told me my parents wouldn't be supporting me at all, which I had already figured and was the main reason I was saving so aggressively.
It wasn't until the week before I moved that my mom told me (casually in conversation as though we'd already talked about it) that it also meant my family wouldn't be visiting me. As much grief as my family has caused me, I still love them dearly. Especially my siblings. It tore me apart and I cried the whole morning while I worked. I hadn't even been able to discuss it with my mom because when she dropped me off at work she had started crying about me moving and I'd had to comfort her.
That was really the final nail in the coffin for my good relationship with my family. We've spent the rest of the year trying to fix it, but it's still a patchwork and will never be what it was.

 

When I finally moved, it was such a relief. I got a job about a month after I landed and I've had it since then. It's slow sometimes and I don't get all the hours I need, but I've been able to improve as an artist enough to help out some during those times. I love my friends, and I love my apartment, and I honestly love my job.

 

I have plans to start beauty school, which aren't going exactly to plan, but I'm still getting there.

 

2015 was exhausting. I don't think I've ever worked that hard in my life. I've cried so much over the last year, but I'm finally somewhere I'm happy. I even got to see an old friend at the end of the year, and just had to say goodbye today. 2015 was very, very full and painful. But it got me so many good places by the end. I intend on working just as hard in 2016. I'm starting school, working towards something that I want more than anything I've ever wanted, and I might even have chances to feature my art publicly. I'm sure I'll cry a lot more this year, but I cry about everything. I'm really looking forward to where things will go.

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