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Learned Some Pretty Big Things About Myself




The past couple weeks I've had a feeling of impending doom.


To handle it, I've done reading on subjects I haven't touched before, tried to think of things from a new point of view. My body has been telling me something with the pain it feels, but I had a hard time grasping it. More and more doctors' check-ups, I always get "ok", "normal", "very good", "nothing alarming" except for my bite. And my teeth aren't even in pain.


A few days ago the veil started to open when I found some texts that resonated with me.


Ironically enough, the thing I had a hard time grasping is that I dissociate.


Not in the United States Of Tara way (love that TV show, btw). But this is what I mean:


I often have more than one inner monologue (and always an inner music) and sometimes the inner monologues start arguing and I freeze up, unable to function - this happened all the time when I was badly depressed. On different days, apparently unrelated to hormones, the same things are great or not an option at all, including what to wear - from super feminine, covered in floral print and lace and with curled hair, to wishing I still had my brothers' old clothes. My eyes cry tears without me feeling particularly sad. My mouth laughs without me feeling particularly amused. I constantly talk to myself when I'm alone, and I'm finding myself compelled to talk out loud when I'm alone in public as well. The other day I was just arriving home and somehow, I yelled "JINGLE BELLS!" at my front door. I'm also super compelled to do glossolalia now that I don't believe it has a divine meaning anymore, and will whisper out a few nonsensical "words" now and then.


I've also dissociated away from a LOT of memories. They are there as images that don't make me feel a thing but they pop out to disturb my trail of thought. Sometimes I get muscle jerks when that happens. I can talk about what happens in them with a straight face, and if it's in front of someone, I must remind myself to not look like I'm telling a story about why did the chicken cross the road.


I can also stop feeling a thing, physically, during a stressful situation. Sometimes it's kind of weird what I find a "stressful situation". It's particularly disturbing if it happens with intimacy.


Man I wish I could get to therapy now.


I cried for a couple hours over this. It was both really sad and also a weight off me because I finally understood.


I e-mailed a physiotherapist about whether she'd teach me TRE. It sounds like something I really could use right now. I can't try to learn it alone because I'm much too clumsy and would likely just get hurt. Hopefully she won't charge awfully much.



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