Half laying, half sitting here in the cargo bay of my vehicle - I am exhausted. Insomnia struck at an inopportune time last night. An hour of sleep for six hours of picket duty in the back of my SUV. Fatigue sets in and sleep threatens to overtake me. Still three and a half hours to go, and time is going no quicker than five minutes ago. While the bay floor isn't as comfortable as my bed, it is the right position for what my body needs: rest.
The stress of the last few weeks has really taken a toll on my health. Heart palpitations occur almost daily, mainly when taking deep breaths, and yawning - with the feelings ranging from about to beat out of my chest, to barely feeling it, to the pit of my stomach, to the top of my throat. Between my car wreck on the 14th, to having this current vehicle bought, and dealing with the wants to get my plan in motion - exhaustion is a commonplace occurrence. I hate it. The feelings of being drained, lethargic, and listless. I'm sure I've shaved a few years off my life during this time, and it soon becomes a legit question of just how many lives I have left and just a sobering thought about how we can literally be one breath away from death at any given moment.
I think of all the times I have brushed with death in some form or way, and I'm either extremely lucky or just shielded in some way. Clinically, I have been dead four times in my life and there are many other times I probably should have been, but yet - I am still here somehow. While I am by no means invincible, I definitely have a survival instinct that rivals very few I would imagine. And no matter how tired I get, how exhausted I am, or how many times I feel like all is lost, life manages to throw me enough line to keep me fighting: Be it in the form of life event, circumstance change, or someone who comes into my life that needs me to be strong for them - something, or someone, is always there to remind me that I am still needed.
And sometimes all it takes is a sweet voice, lovely smile, wonderful personality, and beautiful vestige to prove it to me. All of this coming in thought while I lay on the floor of a SUV cargo bay. Life is weird.