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In response to 'Gay Kid' thread




Below are the list of rules this kid must follow, along with a few of my comments sprinkled here and there. I have removed the mind-numbing lines and lines of scripture. This also appears in plain text. To view the full version, go to the original blog where they were posted.


My comments can be found at Libby's Blog



One of the core functions of the Refuge is the common pursuit of corporate sobriety from sin. The program strives to perpetuate a safe environment that is ripe for growth and for hearing from God. The sobriety of each individual is a key focus.




1. No smoking, alcohol, drugs, or inappropriate use of over-the-counter medications. All prescription drugs and over-the-counter medications must be left in the care of a parent or guardian, who will administer them when necessary. Refuge clients may not have prescription or over-the-counter drugs in their possession at any time, exceptions by C.O.C. approval only.


2. No sexual/emotional misconduct. Any temptations, fantasies, or dreams are to be presented to one¹s staff worker only. Sexual misconduct includes viewing pornography, visiting an adult bookstore, emotional dependency, voyeurism, stalking, masturbation, mutual masturbation, or any form of genital or sexual contact with another person. Sexual temptation, as well as the above, is not to be discussed between clients. This includes MI's (Moral Inventories) written on current sexual struggles or temptations).


3. No hugging or physical touch between clients. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is allowed (exception is when observed by therapeutic accountability).


4. Clients are to remain within the ³safe zone² while in the program. This "zone" is illustrated on a map of the Memphis area in the office. An exception is for clients who reside or are staying outside the safe zone, and commuting to the Love in Action campus.


(At this point, I'm thinking, "a little extreme, but ok...")




Small unhealthy habits can either reflect or lead to dysfunctional, life-controlling habits. Attention to the details of daily lifestyle is a pivotal aspect of residential recovery.




1. All clients must maintain appropriate hygiene, including daily showering, use of deodorant, and brushing teeth twice daily.

Men: Men must remove all facial hair seven days weekly, and sideburns must not fall below the top of the ear (the top of the ear is defined as where the ear meets the face below the temple). Clean business-like haircuts must be worn at all times. Hair must be long enough to be pinched between two fingers.

Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice weekly.

All: Only natural hair color is allowed. Hair that is colored, highlighted or streaked, mut be dyed back to its original color, or the color must be cut out before entrance into the Refuge program.


2. Attire: General

Modesty is expected. No tight, provocative, or suggestive clothing or spandex may be worn. No provocative or suggestive mannerisms are permitted. Fresh undergarments are to be worn at all times. Boxer shorts of any kind are considered underwear and are not to be worn as outer clothing. All clients must be dressed appropriately in clean, unwrinkled clothes when leaving the house for the day. Men may not wear any jewelry (other than a watch and a wedding band) unless approved through a C.O.C. In addition to a watch and wedding band, women may also wear a pair of simple earrings (one earring per ear.) The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories.

Men: Shirts are to be worn at all times, even while sleeping. T-shirts without sleeves are not permitted at any time, whether worn as an outer garment or an undergarment. This includes ³muscle shirts² or other tank-tops. Bikini-style underwear is prohibited.

Women: Bras must be worn at all times, except while sleeping. Thong-style underwear is prohibited.


(At this point, I'm thinking, "a little hard to enforce, but ok...")


Attire: LIA Campus

In addition to the General Attire above, the following items apply. No torn, ragged, or stained clothing is to be worn at any time while on campus. Monday through Thursday, clients must wear pants, a clean shirt, and shoes or sandals with socks. Jeans and a nice t-shirt are acceptable. On Friday, clients may wear clean, knee-length khaki or denim-style shorts.

No athletic or excessively baggy shorts may be worn on campus at any time. No hats, jackets, or overcoats are to be worn on campus

Women: In addition to these guidelines, women may also wear skirts which fall at or below the knee. Women may wear tank-tops only if they are worn with an over-blouse. Women may wear open-toed shoes or women¹s dress sandals without socks. Bras must be worn at all times, except while sleeping. Sports bras may only be worn while working out.

No sleeveless blouses may be worn. All blouses and t-shirts must fit modestly (not extremely tight).


3. No cologne, perfume, or use of other highly scented hygiene products.



Therapeutic & Staff Issues


A goal of the Source is to be purposeful and strategic in order to help clients pursue growth and transformation. The principles below are common elements of this plan.









3. All clients are expected to memorize the Program Expectations as they summarize the spirit and heart of the rules of Love in Action.


4. All Refuge program members must complete four MI's (Moral Inventories) per week unless otherwise instructed. Detailed instruction on writing MI¹s will be provided within the first few days of beginning the program.


5. Refuge clients will be prepared to give an Introduction (³Intro²) at every Intro Rap. Detailed instruction on giving an intro will be provided within the first few days of the program.


6. To make special requests of the staff or inform the staff of something (e.g. asking permission to leave the safe zone for some reason, informing the staff of a breach in program rules, etc.), Refuge clients must communicate appropriately. This means filling out a Chain of Command (C.O.C.) form. All C.O.C.¹s must be signed by the Refuge client¹s parent or guardian before being submitted to a staff member, or the C.O.C. will be returned with no answer. All C.O.C.¹s must be concise and not ³story tell² or ³whine.² Such will be returned with no reply.


7. No continuing education while in the program. Home-school Refuge clients may be allowed to continue their studies during the program, pending approval by LIA staff.


6. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians are required to attend Love in Action¹s host church, Germantown Baptist Church, on Sunday mornings. More information about GBC can be found online at www.gbconline.net.


7. Parents and guardians are expected to attend the Friends and Family support group on Thursday nights from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., held at the Love in Action campus. Refuge clients will be supervised during this time by a Love in Action staff member.


8. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians are expected to attend Love in Action¹s Open Meetings whenever they occur, held on the first Tuesday of every month at Kirby Woods Baptist Church at 7:30 p.m.


9. Refuge clients are expected to maintain a committed pursuit of a positive and thankful attitude.


10. Absolutely no journaling or keeping a diary outside of the MI process unless directed or approved by staff.


(At this point, I'm thinking, "Can you say, brainwashing??")


11. Absolutely no calling staff outside business hours unless it is an emotional, therapeutic, or physical emergency, or unless prior permission from staff has been obtained.


12. Additional (i.e. beyond one per week) one-on-one counseling sessions will be granted by C.O.C. appointment only.


False Image (FI) Concerns

Through the Source, God renews clients¹ minds and lives, helping them to put off the old self and put on the new. False images are items or behaviors that are of the old self.




1. LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances. Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity, seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women), excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or gay/lesbian behavior and talk.


(At this point, I'm thinking, "Uhhh....")


2. As non-residential clients, Refuge participants must submit to an F.I. search every morning. With the exception of the very first program day, when they may arrive no later than 9:00 a.m., Refuge clients will arrive daily at the Love in Action campus no later than 8:50 a.m., waiting in a designated area until a staff member meets them to perform the F.I. search and check them in. Refuge clients may not enter any of the client spaces on campus before submitting to an F.I. search. All belongings brought to campus will be searched, including book bags, notebooks, wallets, handbags, purses, etc. Items that violate the F.I. policy or the dress code will be held for the client, to be returned no later than the client¹s last day in program. Clients may request to have their F.I. items returned by filling out a C.O.C.


(What is up with all these acronyms??)


3. All photographs will be taken for the purpose of sobering re-evaluation. Clients may request to have pictures returned to them via C.O.C.


4. Refuge clients will not be allowed to use personally owned computers during the program, whether on campus or at home/in temporary lodging. Computer stations are normally available on campus when clients need to type something.


5. Clients should report all FI's (with discretion), whether their own or another's, to staff.


(Oh good...you have to worry about your neighbor tattling on you too)



Campus Rules


LIA honors clients¹ confidentiality and time. A campus structure has been established that will ensure a fair and balanced approach to every client.




1. No visiting or entering staff offices unless prior permission is given.


2. While on the LIA campus, Refuge clients must be in phase at all times, whether indoors or out of doors. A client is ³in phase² when he or she is with two or more other clients (whether Refuge or residential,) one of whom must have been in the program for at least eight weeks. Exceptions to phase rules will be granted by C.O.C. request only.


3. Further campus rules which are still being developed and revised will be communicated to Refuge clients on their arrival.



Relationship Issues


Emotional dependency and inappropriate sexual behaviors have their roots in unresolved relationship issues as well as poor personal or relational boundaries. As a key part to his/her recovery, each client¹s program will focus significant attention on resolving relationship concerns and cultivating healthy relationships, both within and outside of the program.




1. No physical violence or physically threatening dialogue. Violation of this rule warrants immediate dismissal from the program.


2. No breaching another person's confidentiality to anyone outside the program.


3. No talking behind another person's back (TBB).


4. The 24-hour rule is to be used after challenging another client who is in breach of the program rules. If one notices that another client¹s inappropriate behavior continues, the client should be challenged to report to staff. If in 24 hours he/she has not done so, one is required to report the breach to staff via C.O.C. or verbal communication.


5. Due to the nature of many gender identity struggles, issues of enmeshment and emotional dependency can develop not only with same sex, but sometimes even more easily with the opposite sex. Because healthy and appropriate same and opposite-sex relationships are encouraged, dating and exclusive relationships of any kind are prohibited while in the program.


6. Clients may have no contact with anyone who has left the program prior to graduating without the blessing of the staff to do so. Clients may address off-limit persons they inadvertently encounter with a polite "hello" only.


7. While in the program, clients may have no contact with anyone involved in unrepentant emotional dependencies, inappropriate sexual behaviors, or chemical dependencies. This includes any contact with friends struggling with dependency issues or inappropriate sexual behavior that was known about prior to entering the program. If such a person is encountered, the client must make his/her staff worker aware of this.


8. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians will be participating in off-campus events and meetings where non-program strugglers are in attendance. To encourage the safety of all involved, clients are required to be in phase when communicating with non-program strugglers at these meetings, and will be prohibited from establishing contact with them outside of the these meetings.


(No contact with people...brainwashing technique)


Safekeeping Rules


1. All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping for the initial two to three days of their program. A client on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their question or request and show it to another client, staff member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used when absolutely necessary. Parents and guardians must enforce their child¹s safekeeping status at home or in their temporary lodging.


(Are you seriously reading this?)


2. Refuge clients may C.O.C. to be removed from Safekeeping status. Safekeeping clients will be removed from Safekeeping at their staffworker¹s discretion.


3. Any client may be placed into Safekeeping at any time, at a staffworker¹s discretion.


4. Safekeeping clients are permitted to say ³hello² and to communicate enough information to be courteous in public interaction (mostly in the clients¹ church setting).


5. Safekeeping clients are required to spend a minimum of two hours (in one sitting) a day alone in their room (note: by ³alone² it is understood that parents or guardians can be in the room but are not to interact or disrupt the alone time of the safekeeping client). During the alone time Safekeeping clients may work on their treatment plans, read program materials or the Bible, pray, or work on other assignments from their staffworkers.


6. In the evenings, all Refuge Safekeeping clients must remain at home or at their temporary lodging with their parent or guardian (i.e. no going out to eat, to the store, etc. during Safekeeping.)


7. Non-Safekeeping clients are responsible to protect and uphold the Safekeeping parameters of the Safekeeping clients.


Rules for the Home/Temporary Lodging




Refuge encourages all clients to first focus internally. Why is the client here? What is broken? What is the core motivation of the client¹s unhealthy behavior? Staff members will work with clients as they learn what is wrong and as they take the steps to articulate it. Second, staff emphasize the need for each client to seek the truth of God. What does He have to say about each client and his/her pain? The rules that follow are designed to both protect the client and facilitate his/her wrestling with God.




1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep conversations positive.


2. Clients must gain permission through C.O.C. to make or receive phone calls from friends and family members outside the program.


3. No cell phones, beepers, computers, or e-mail/internet access at. Exceptions by C.O.C. approval only.


4. No visitors from out of town without permission via C.O.C.


5. Refuge clients may only read materials approved by staff.


6. No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the client¹s and the parent¹s/guardian¹s control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media policy is the weekly movie.


7. Refuge clients may watch one video/DVD per week that has been approved by staff via C.O.C. Movies submitted for approval must be rated G or PG. The parents/guardians are responsible for securing the video/DVD.


8. Weekend curfew (Friday and Saturday) is 10:00pm. Weekday curfew (Sunday through Thursday) is 9:30pm.


9. Refuge clients must be with at least one parent or guardian at all times when off-campus.


10. On certain occasions Refuge clients have the opportunity, with the C.O.C. approval and their parent/guardian¹s permission, to visit the residential houses of the Source program clients. On these occasions Refuge clients must be in phase at all times, and must abide by all the house rules and follow instructions given by Source program house managers. House rules will be communicated to Refuge clients as the need arises. Refuge clients are encouraged to ask for clarification if they are unsure about a particular house rule.


11. Refuge clients may not enter any restuarants with bars, even when accompanied by a parent or guardian.


12. Refuge clients must be accompanied by a parent during any trip to a public restroom.


13. No access to malls of any kind.


14. Clients are not allowed to visit any video, music or media stores that are not expressly Christian, even if accompanied by a parent or guardian. Clients may visit LifeWay Christian stores with a parent or guardian.


15. Refuge clients must report off-casmpus emergencies, illnesses, or injuries to their parents/guardians as soon as possible. Parents/guardians are required to inform LIA staff members of such situations by phone as soon as possible.


16. Total silence time at home begins at 9:00 p.m. Sunday through Thursday. Refuge clients may use this time for resting, but are encouraged to make a habit of using it for a nightly quiet time with God.


17. Lights-out time will begin each night at 10:00 p.m. Sunday through Thursday.


18. Refuge clients are allowed a one-time 15-minute maximum closed bathroom door time for shower/grooming purposes. The only other closed-door alone time allowed is for using the restroom.


19. Refuge clients must keep their bedroom doors open at all times, day or night.


20. Proper bedclothes must be worn during nighttime sleeping hours. Appropriate bedclothes include full pajamas (tops and bottoms) or a pair of non-underwear-type shorts and a T-shirt. Nightgowns are not allowed.


21. Refuge clients are expected to eat dinner with their parents/guardians/other family members (if any) at least four times per week.


22. Refuge clients are expected to cook dinner one time per week.


(It gets worse....)


On-Level Rules

³On-Level² is a protective and therapeutic measure that is sometimes implemented between clients who are having relational difficulties.


1. On-level clients may not speak to each other unless there is a potentially life-threatening emergency.


2. On-level clients are to spend no time alone with each other.


3. On-level clients are not allowed to ride in the same car unless C.O.C. permission has been granted, in which case, one must sit in the front of the car, and one must sit in the back of the car.


4. On-level clients, whenever in the same room, must always have exactly one person between them, whether sitting or standing. Planned activities such as church, Open Meetings, and socials are no exception.


5. On-level status can be initiated by any staff member or house manager.


6. On-level status can be removed only by Executive Staff.


Group Norms


1. Be honest, authentic, and real.


(I'm sorry...did they just say be real??)


2. Active participation is expected. This includes body language and eye contact. No slouching in chairs, sitting back on chairs hind legs, sitting with arms crossed, rolling eyes, or making disgusting faces.


3. No attacking or demeaning another person¹s character.


4. Raise hand to speak. Speak one at a time as called on by the facilitator.


5. Maintain strict confidentiality of everything discussed in group. "What is seen here, what is heard here, remains here!"


6. Clients are to sit in such a way as to not cause another to stumble.


7. No food or drink during rap. This includes chewing gum and toothpicks.


8. Appropriate attire is required. No hats, athletic or baggy shorts (for men), or extremely short skirts (for women) are allowed.


9. Say "I love you _____" after each person is finished relating.


(This is just creepy...)


10. Be on time!


11. Do not talk at, preach to, or teach one another. Each person should keep the focus on him/herself and how he/she feels.


12. Do not be defensive. While being spoken to, one may not respond to defend him/herself or return confrontation to the person speaking.


13. If one needs to leave the group for any reason, he/she must ask permission from the staff in charge of the group session.


14. Stand when speaking, relating, or being related to. During general raps, one must stand while relating. One must also stand when someone is being given feedback or being related to. Standing is not necessary during teaching raps.


Men/Women Dynamics

The following common courtesies apply to relational dynamics between men and women. While these are not rules and may initially feel a little awkward, they are strongly encouraged as practical guidelines to promote mutual respect and honor. It is LIA¹s hope that these suggestions will become common practices and help to nurture a value of self and an appreciation for others.


Places of Honor for Women:

Respect for women may be shown by offering them first priority in a number of ways:


1. Please invite women (not just LIA clients) to be the first in line to eat.


2. Encourage women to accept the more comfortable seats in a room. Men should consider offering a woman their chair when there are none left in the room.


3. Men should think about opening doors for women, both when entering a building and when entering a car. This simply adds a level of respect, consideration, and value.


Honoring Both Genders:

Be mindful of the types of humor and communication used around one another. Jesting about bodily functions, discussing gender-specific issues when not in rap sessions (at the LIA office), and other conversation which could potentially be inappropriate to the opposite sex should be avoided.



Program Expectations


Therapeutic & Interpersonal Expectations


1. Clients are expected to affirm one another and edify their personal and corporate pursuit of growth and transformation. This includes a commitment to courageous honesty with respect, a commitment to sobriety in all manners of talk, action, and dress, the exercise of prudence, and honoring confidentiality and accountability.


2. Clients are expected to take responsibility for their environment and to inform appropriate authorities of program breaches. This is to be done using the 24-hour rule.


3. Clients are expected to give back. This includes watching out for one¹s brothers and sisters. It also includes the initiative of upper-phasers to provide accountability for lower-phasers.


4. Clients are expected to maintain a committed pursuit of a positive and thankful attitude.


5. Clients are expected to avoid peer-to-peer physical touch. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is allowed.


6. Clients are expected to actively identify and subsequently remove all personal and corporate FI¹s.


7. Clients are expected to avoid therapeutic topics of discussion with House Managers.


8. Clients are expected to make their homework a priority. Phase 1 clients must complete four MI¹s per week unless otherwise instructed. Phase 2 & Training clients must complete two MI¹s per week unless otherwise instructed. Phase 1 clients will be prepared to do an Introduction at every Introduction Rap. All clients will be assigned a personalized treatment plan.


9. Clients are expected to plan ahead and communicate appropriately, following Chain of Command (C.O.C.) for any information or communication with staff.


Practical Expectations


1. All clients must maintain integrity in their personal presentation. This includes daily grooming and hygiene maintenance, bed-making, as well as regular bedroom and bathroom cleaning and maintenance.


2. Clients are expected to work either therapeutically or professionally Monday through Friday unless prior permission is granted through C.O.C. Clients who are not working are expected to be in the office.


3. Clients are expected to actively re-evaluate the influences of secular media. Phase 1 clients are restricted from television-viewing, internet access, secular media, or reading of any kind without specific permission. Clients may not enter any non-Christian bookstores. Phase 2 clients may use email and the internet at work for work purposes. Training program clients may listen to secular music. However, they may not listen to secular radio for the first 30 days. No secular music is allowed in residences or when around Phase 1 clients.


4. Clients are expected to honor their home environment by being on-time with cooking responsibilities, attending all weekly house meetings, dinner attendance, curfew, total silence, lights out, and by working cooperatively to complete all stewardships with a positive attitude.


5. Clients are expected to remain accountable with all relationships. No cell phones, phone calls, or contact with anyone outside the program without prior permission. Phase 2 and Training Program clients may make approved relational phone calls.


Refuge Program ­ Parental Rules (not to be given to client)



1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep conversations positive.


2. Clients are to be picked up from the LIA office no later than 5:00pm each weekday.


3. Respect all Love In Action and Refuge rules. If you do not understand them, support the program in front of client at all times and gain clarification from LIA staff. Do not sabotage or defocus your client.


4. Don¹t allow client to split your family. Unite to present stability and unity.


(Ignore the pleas of the person in this camp, if things are not going well. Do not question anything. Be a mindless brain-dead moron.)


5. Your client is not allowed to talk to anyone outside of your home including friends or family. Do not tell client who has called for them or who is asking about them. Keep the thoughts of the client focused on his/her treatment.


(More isolation)


6. The family needs interactive time together. It is very important that togetherness is the priority during this time. The client does not need extended time alone or with only one family member. The only exception is for Refuge clients who are from out-of-town and staying with a significant guardian while here.


7. Family dinner is encouraged to occur at least four times weekly.


8. The client is expected to cook dinner at least one time weekly.


9. The client is expected to complete a weekly cleaning regimen to your satisfaction.


10. Parents/guardians are asked to make themselves available for any special meetings deemed necessary for the successful treatment of their loved ones.


11. If there is an ³Open Meeting² during Refuge Program, parents/guardians are asked to attend to enhance their involvement with Refuge. Open meetings are held the first Tuesday of each month at 7:30pm at Kirby Woods Baptist Church (on the corner of Poplar Ave. and Massey; entrance is located at the ground floor on the east side of building entrance).


Consequences for Rule Violation:


1. Constructive criticism from the group.

2. Ten to thirty-page written paper on rule violation.

3. Program dismissal. This does not need to be addressed with the client (The client may sabotage his/her own program due to purposeful dismissal consequences).

4. Isolation from the group.




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