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Crossing my fingers




I have a date tonight.


Just dinner, nothing exciting. A friend of a friend and I've seen him before at parties and at the bar. In a way I'm happy to be back on the scene, but at the same time I'm tired of it (just like everybody else?).


So many things have changed and/or have been redefined for me in the past year. I know myself much better, but now instead of being super easy-going and open, I've found myself to have a list of terms and conditions. Such as: I don't think I ever want to get married. And I don't want to bear children. Ever. For anyone. And I know now that being myself is more important to me than any relationship, and I am willing to give up any amount of comfort to be me.


I suppose I'm not that difficult to get along with, but my little list is very serious. At what point in a relationship do you discuss your list? Last weekend at the bar, the guy I'm going out with tonight said something about me not having any kids "yet". That's what brought The List to mind when he asked me out. Yet??? How about never? What happens when you get in a good relationship with someone and something like this comes between you? I've never been one to discuss and compromise too much. I just leave. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm one of the few people I know who haven't been divorced yet.



Last year I was dating Casey. I met him at a Halloween party at the local bar and we clicked. He was easy-going and would have done anything for me, but I was smothered by him. When he gave me the opportunity, I bolted. 8 months later, at the same Halloween party, we met again and it started all over. It was good this time. I got him to be more open about himself, and he didn't shower me with gifts and schmoopy stuff. Two months later, I got a text message from him saying that he didn't want to hurt me, but he needed some time alone. I did what I did and said that I would leave him alone. He thanked me and I never heard from him again. A few weeks ago I heard that he met a girl (I'm guessing his time "alone" was with her) and he got married. This is the guy who always said he'd never get married again. He doesn't want kids either. Maybe the girl is knocked up. Anyway, I thought he was smarter than that, but I can't help but think in the back of my mind that the independance I have that he hated just ate away at him and he ran to somebody safe who liked to stay home and watch movies all day and eat a lot of potato chips.


In between dating Casey and dating Casey, I had the most unfortunate experience of dating a preacher. I walked into it so innocently, thinking that when he talked about a relationship with God, he meant that he didn't think a person needed to go to church or follow any church's rules. Duh! At the time, I believed in God but had stopped being a good little Catholic girl for about 10 years. I could go on and on about the BS I endured, but it's boring and I think everybody has heard it. What I did with the BS was research it on the Internet as quickly as it was shoveled to me. I came out of the releationship an Atheist.


So here I am, as non-traditional a young woman as anyone can imagine. At least on the inside. Hopefully that makes me interesting.



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