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christianity is ruining my life (from old journal




christianity is ruining my life!

Date: 10/20/05 at 12:21AM


i wish i never heard of it!


why do i keep going back too it! it promises me heaven but gives me hell!


first journey with me threw my life and let me show you why im thinking of throwing it completely out of my life!


i grew up in church of christ my dad gets caught with another woman my mom devorces him. the preacher tells the whole church david northam is a sinner. my mom runs out crying we run after her. (years later we find out the preacher got caught with another woman lol)



i end up with an abusive step father, kids at school call me ugly and make fun of me. my moms so over protective i can barely leave the house.


i say their is no god cause if their was i wouldnt of been made this way. (deformed)


she makes me read the bible all night. the old testement makes me see god as a bully i dont like him even more.


my freinds jim and seth talk me into going too carter church. i get back in christianity.


other kids get me interested in satanism years later i draw upside down crosses and shit on my notebook. my teacher sees it and i get talked too about how god will win and satan wont bla bla bla.


i try putting curses on randy my stepdad melting wax images and telling satan ill kill a dog for him if he kills randy.


so guess i worshiped satan and jesus. oh dont forget meagan.


my freind micheal said he was gonna start a religion worshipping meagan he was also in occult stuff. im not sure who meagan is. but i was looking in encyclopedias on goddesses and decided she was a moon goddess and jehovah was the sun looking at us. or Appolo.


see as a kid i thought it was all the same god. i even did rituals. id draw a sun for appolo and put a stick in the middle for meagan since michael said it was her symbol.


in my meditations i met a spirit named zachary who said he was my brother. i asked mom she said i had no brother its just a silly dream.

so are the dead relatives, squirrel,ghosts,shad ow people

all in my head.


of course seth and jim had too say i worship satan and need too get back in church or ill burn in hell.


well after i move out i decided on the internet too look up witchcraft it made so much sense too me. i joined a course with a school. i asked could i use mary and jesus as deitys. they said christianity is a dead religion but go ahead. and they later talked about bondage, tatoo initiations and sex magic and it turned me off. i quit sending them 20 bucks and quit.


jack fisher kept telling me too keep my apartment clean, quit letting people stay here. but oh the bible says too help those in need so i let people live here, drink eat be merry. it got too the point the housing authority did house checks. they saw my alter i was kicked out.


thanks alot!


i was in a rooming house then moved too a trailer.


mom said i was insane loosing touch from reality with witchcraft and should stop it. its not normal! christianity is the ongly true religion.


the bible says give too those who ask and refuse not,


1. i practicly gave 4000 dollars of my dead dads money too users


2. i let people live with me getting me kicked out.


3. i ended up with a 300 dollar phone bill letting people use the phone.


4. people now constantly come over begging for money, cigs, cokes and stay over never letting me sleep.


5. iv had money,clothes and god knows what else stolen


6. my apartment stayd in a mess.


7.i let my neibors use a extention cord too power their apartment i got a 200 dollar power bill.


8. all my so called freinds owe me thousands of dollars ever one of them. these so called christian freinds.


9. iv gotten conned so many times it ant even funny.


i was really interested in wicca i ordered thousands of books and ritual stuff. i joined the alabama chapter of the pagan foundation.


i went on a trip with them too birmingham.


mom yelled i wish you never got a computer them people are gonna eat you! why cant you be normal!


iv left that group so many times. i remeber seth my so called freind breaking in my trailer i was hiding from him. he was preaching too me. he ripped up some courses i had.


finally i gave in. i cried that night after he left and i left the acpf. i begged too be let back in.


i later met spirithawk and morganna of the electic coven of red mountain.


morganna made me a robe and spirithawk gave me several books.


then..... my mom said shes talk too evelen the person over the housing authority into letting me back in if i throw away the witchcraft stuff.


i did. i told spirithawk on the phone. he said too morganna (he thought he had me on mute i guess) man i cant beleave hed be that desperate hed throw it all away.


i found a group on witchvox circle of newlife freedom in sulligent. i had too find this group.


i did. it later became light of hope i went too rituals, archived the group, got intitated, went too hundreds of meetings, and learned alot of things. i also joined another group twilight walkers. these two groups taught me so much. if i had a billion dollars id pay the leaders too bring those groups back! but thats another issue and not the point of my rant so ill not write about why their gone.


my neibors i said a little about that was practicly living of me took me too church. i was laid off and really depressed. seth made the comment gods punishing you by not giving your job back for being in wicca and having pagan freinds.


i dont know why i beleaved this. colby has lay offs all tha damn time shit i been their 5 damn years and ever summer im laid off!


i leave this note too the group:


oo tell the truth i just dont have the spirit for paganism that i used too. i guess when light of hope died my spirit went with it. ever pagan group i ever been in i put my heart and soul into just too see it die and everyone dissapear. it just feels so dead too me now i dont have beleaf andfaith in it i used too have. iv gone back too christianity but ill say no more. i hated it when people talked too me about that and i wont do it too yall. i read the bible and it felt like i left behind what i really beleaved in. im not telling you this too try too convert you. i just dont think itd be honest of me too play pagan and live a double life. thatd be lieing too you and im not gonna lie too you. )


i also leave it on me and my sisters group twilightcoven.


i put my ritual stuff and books in boxes and put it away.


sre said im sorry too hear that and thisll be the last time you hear from me.


i delete me name and everything.


my neibors moved and i feel like a damn fool!


you know i have too say this. the people in light of hope and twilightwalkers have never used me, abused me, or pitied me. ongly the christians have.


i dont know why i said what i did too the group. i suppose my brain fucked up and i beleaved jesus would just fix my life if i made them go away.


the ongly people who come too my door are people wanting money, cigs and computer time. and i put a sighn up saying if thats all you want go away. but it does no good.


yea i got my job back i make money for bills and stuff.


but you know what. i think ill risk being laid off again.


fuck this mess!


tha hell with the bible!


and u know what! i work 10 hours a day 8 hrs friday and saturday. and no fucking way am i spending sunday my ongly off day in church.


hell i may put my bibles and christian shit in a box up stairs!


fuck that turn the other cheek, give to those who ask, let those who ask for a cloak givem your coat also mess!


follow the bible and youll be a fucking doormat and have nothing cause you gave it all away.


jesus i reject you! your no longer my god and i refuse too follow tha bible. i will be myself! for ever.


i hope all my pagan freinds forgive me someday.


as for my christian freinds keep your damn doormat religion too yourself


i ant wasting my damn time anymore.




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