Last night I found out that I will not be allowed to eat at the family table at the funeral. I will go this afternoon to view the body. I think I have to go simply to know for sure that she's gone. The following is part of an email written for the support person who is giving me a ride:
I find some things easier to say in writing than verbally. I have quite a number of online friends. One of them did a Google search on ex-Mennonite. He felt there had to be someone out there with similar life experience to myself. An article came up that was written by an ex Old Order Mennonite man from the States. He also deconverted from Christianity. That article was posted on a website called ex-christian.net. I joined up and those people have been a real source of support. They helped me work through some major family issues.
I shared some letters from my sisters. Their response to those letters helped me see the abuse for what it was--that it was not only in my imagination, and that it was every bit as bad as I felt it was. In other words, I had a full right to feel hurt. I think it was about fifteen years ago that I found out that I had a right to feel hurt at all. But mostly that was with regards to the more blatant abuse and judgmentalism. Some of these discussions regarded my "nice" sisters. And it was the "nice" part of my family that decided not to let me eat with the family. The fact that no one offered to share my exile tells me they don't truly love me.
Just now I looked out the window. I see the snow is settling a bit already from this rain. I like this neighbourhood. It feels like home. I feel like I am bonding with the very land, the wildlife, and nature. It is my healing balm. Nature has been my refuge in many severely troubled times.
You know what is going through my mind just now? It's totally irrational but I'm thinking if Mom dares to be sitting in her rocking chair when I get there I'll kick her out. Mostly I feel liberated that she's gone. It's as though my horizons have opened up. On the other hand, it's also as though half the foundation of my life has collapsed.