This is the time when I get to say what's on my mind. If I could calm the raging voices in my head, maybe I'd say something lucid. My thoughts are chaotic, but my gut feels empty. It's like there's a disconnect between my brain and feelings. That may be a sign of mental illness.
I was taught in recovery to accept that I'm powerless and turn my life over to a Higher Power. I'd do that if I could find any evidence that such a being exists. So, my mind says I'm in this deal alone and my gut doesn't want to believe it. I can no longer pretend, or blame my situation on some nebulous cosmic daddy. God, the worlds most notorious absentee father. I never really got the loving father analogy anyway. My experience taught me that fathers are harsh, inconsistent, selfish, unapproachable and vindictive. Wait, I guess that pretty much fits with at least some of babble gods characteristics. Can I get an Amen!
That's the foundation for my expectations. Mostly negative. I'm stuck with the attitudes and coping methods I developed as a kid trying to survive in an extremely dysfunctional family. I can tell myself things are different now. I'm an adult, not a kid. I just have trouble making my thoughts line up with my feelings. What to do now? Fuck if I know. It won't be easily resolved and I'm getting tired of making the effort. Tired and angry, that's me. So screw serenity and let's go beat the shit out of whoever's responsible for this cluster fuck! Can I get another Amen!