I wish I never got that money. No wait, nevermind. We got money back from our taxes, a whole lotta money like around $3000. That's alot for us. Most people have to pay the gooberment that much, aren't you jealous?! Of course me and Jenn (she's my wife) have been spending it all way too much. We were supposed to save the money to move out of this expensive state (NY) and into some cheaper one somewhere (PA?). We probably have 2k left now.

Oh well. So I bought tons of computer games. I got a new computer last christmas and it's pretty damn fast. I just need more memory (must..not..spend..money...). Recently I got FarCry. That's one damn fun game that I'd play to death. But I got stuck in the first cave part (research facility) and kept on dieing. I had it set on realistic with that AI setting, so I asked for it. It was easy up until that part. I just can't hide and camp in that level. Damn.

A couple of days later I was in a vampire mood for some reason. So I went off and bought the computer game Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines. That's a fun game but I didn't like that few characters I had to pick from. None of them "fit me".

I always have identity crisis in role playing games. I always want to pick a character that mirrors me in real life (well as much as possible). You should have seen me in the damn Sims 2 game, I spent most of time trying to make it look just like me. That's freaky now that I think about it. RPGs are my drug of choice I guess. It's the escapism of it all, the freedom that I don't have in real life. The more freedom a game has (non-linear ones), the more I like it.

Morrowind had that. I bought that game for the computer recently too (see a pattern?). I played it before for the x-box and loved it. I had an identity crisis with that too...am I a nord or a breton..which face looks more like me, etc.. I'd play through half the game and get sick of my character and start all over again. I bought the game again for the computer after seeing all the amazing mods people did for it. Now there is flying fire breathing dragons you can slay and horses that you can train and ride (like in Daggerfall!). But it was a bit choppy on my computer with the mods loaded and I got fustrated and didn't end up feeling in the mood to play it anymore.

Identity crisis. That's what I definately have though. It's the same with religion. I can't find any one that fits me, that I feel good with. There's always some horrid flaw in it all. Damn humans I tell you. They are always screwing everything up! But I'm not really so bitter at this or that people or groups, it's just fustrating. I hope this blog will help me sort things out though. Even if people don't read it, I will. I think I can understand myself better that way. It will also help me deal with reality, something I've been avoiding.