It's an interesting time for me in this long road of searching that has taken me to this point now, an interesting transition rather. It happened relatively recently actually, and I find myself having difficulties even seeing the world through the same set of questions I used to ask.
I have always used debate and dialog to sift out the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. And even though that has been a useful tool for me, such pursuits as 'finding the Holy Grail', grabbing that prize brass ring of 'understanding' ultimately is realized in its reality when you see it, reach for it, and it merely blends into a new understanding that answers the question by negating it. The question is answered in dissolving it into a perspective that makes the question only important in order to transcend it into a more mature thought - not a question at all, nor an answer to it.
I was recently asked if I will ever feel my curiosity about the world will be satisfied. The answer I gave revealed something to me about where I have come to. My thirst for knowledge is not about finding 'truth', to know right from wrong in order to have some sense of assurance I'm on the right path or something. Rather I have that sense within me from - within me. My thirst for knowledge is to further wonder within the marvel of our existence, my existence as part of this staggering reality that we are awakened to!
This is a very different place than trying to 'be right'. The whole Christian experience, in fact it's very sweeping influence on our entire mindset, the entire framework of questions it creates, and all the schools of thought in response are all arguing the same questions! It was framed 2000 years ago in the formation of "Authority of Truth" in the dogma of religious Orthodoxy. And today it has become glaringly obvious to me that every argument in debate is in a challenge to that Authority, and so off it goes in saying no to them, yes to this, or yes to that as the Answer to our searching. Science, New Age, Eastern religions, Objectivism, Existentialism, Positivism, Materialism, etc. When so many of our culture look to these things, they look to them in reality as a replacement to Christianity as the New Orthodoxy, never quite grasping that that approach itself is what is broken. It's the same thought, just looking to a new Authority to answer reality for us, to tell us the truth, to find trust in so we can rest assured.
The question is existence. The question is not even "what is the meaning of life", as it is really "how do I become?" Become what? Who we are! How do we become who we are? What are we? What is that which I call me, and is that the total 'definition' of 'me'? It's as absurd as demanding to 'define God'. Is there a limit to us? Is there a limit to the nature of existence itself?
Ever since the Enlightenment in our awakening into the Age of Reason our questions have been about knowing the mechanics of the world, and then we translated the system of nature into some sort of "objective" understanding of ourselves as human. But we are internal creatures as well as material creatures. We are body and mind as well as 'soul', worlds of reality in themselves and with each other in interactive relationships. We are creative wellsprings of life expressed through our thoughts framed in languages and symbols. To deconstruct everything to the workings of the machine entirely ignores the reality of being 'in here'. And what is that reality?
Is it the ego, how we define "me" by those thoughts, this personality, these emotion sets, this career, this family, this mate, these children, house, material goods, and all these things? Do we define ourselves as "green eyes"? Then why should all these features of mind become the locus of our identity, if we don't identify ourselves with our left big toe the same way? Because we have outgrown identification with the body? What happens when we outgrow identification with the world of thoughts, and feelings in this sack of skin we call 'me', in this brain within my head? Is that possible? Yes! Oh, yes and again, yes.
But we are stuck in the mind that this is reality, and we look to the left, to the right, to this and not that, in order to support that locus of self identification. "This is who am I, and I want to know what is real in order to support this reality" - as we assume it is looking through that set of eyes - our eyes, as "us" in our world, in the shell of our ego. That world is real because it is where we have framed the limits of reality by assuming what we see is what is, and with the tools of our reason, by god! we will confirm this.
At each point of higher understanding what is seen takes on a whole new world of truth to it. But each present understanding understands itself as 'in touch' with truth. Our present mind is no different in that thought than those who assumed the same for their present mind seeing gods as the ultimate highest ideal of reality. And so it goes, each new realization errantly assuming itself as the highest realization, gradually, hopefully, the lesson learned is that of humility in the face of our infinite upward potential, and such ideals of system-centric views of the Absolute yield to true knowledge and wisdom. There is no Orthodox, "straight-thinking", only unfathomable Light of Reality beyond all our realities; the end of all questions.
Back to the initial point, I rather unexpectedly have found myself 'different' now, and in many regards it's somewhat disorienting while at the same time a place of curious beginnings. I'm not sure where to go with it to foster it, but what is a striking feature to me is that I have this acute sense of no-return. It's not like some eureka, ah-hah moment, not at all, but rather more like just waking up one morning and yourself and the entire world looks different. Now what? seems the question, but more a question of what it will look like, than 'what's the answer'. Whatever this place, I have peace.