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So Much For Summer


NaturalMary63

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Hey guys -

 

Have I told you all lately how much I appreciate you? I don't blog here enough, although I think about you daily. This is the only place I can come and say what I'm feeling - not only about religion, but about anything - because no one here 'knows' me. ;-) I mean, you all know me as an internet friend, but you aren't blood-related, a face-to-face friend, or park visitor, or a team mate at work. Since I've been working, now everyone I know there is my friend on Facebook. So I have to check myself. I can't bitch and moan about annoyances when my supervisor and team mates are all reading it.

 

Not that there's a lot to bitch and moan about, but, you know.... there's crap everywhere and we all make it and step in it... so there's always something.

 

Mostly, I love my job. The job itself. I enjoy talking to the visitors, showing them what's special about our park, talking about wildlife, telling them about fungi and flowers and birds and bugs. But there are downsides, too. Like a lack of leadership or mentoring on my supervisor's part. So... it sucks, but it's not about to change. So I live with it for as long as I'm there, don't expect anything different, and when it's time to move on, I move on. But I wanted more.

 

I have learned a lot, however, mostly as a result of having to answer questions for the visitors. They're constantly testing me and making me stretch my horizons, so I'm always doing more research, learning more. Which I love doing. But as far as learning to be a better NPS employee or resource interpreter... I haven't gotten any of that from my higher-ups.

 

Also, I haven't saved any money this summer like I suggested I would. Which should have been expected. But I bought several big-ticket things I've been needing/wanting. Like a new laptop and iPad. Upgraded Adobe Creative Suite.

 

So I'm no closer yet to my goal of having an RV and SUV. Now with the initial blast of spending out of the way, however, perhaps I can focus on my 5 and 10 year plans. Which are vague and dreamy yet. But include the RV and SUV, and traveling from park to park doing nature interpretation and Campground Hosting and ....

 

Something I'm afraid to even say out loud. Or rather, to even write here for your non-judgemental feedback. Cuz it's tantamount to being a bad person.

 

I want to live alone. I have dreamed of living alone for most of my life (including childhood), despite loving my husband who is truly a wonderful supportive man. And despite loving my children, who have become intelligent, healthy, grown adults.

 

So part of my dream is to earn enough to support myself, pay for my own RV and SUV and groceries, etc, and live alone.

 

There. I said it.

 

I don't want a divorce (anymore). I love my husband. I'm just sick of living with other people.

 

This weekend, I'm home alone (with the dogs). My husband and our grown daughter (who is out of work and lives at home) have gone to the family reunion. I probably could have gone, but I didn't really want to, so I said I had to work. Which is mostly true... I'm not sure I have enough leave hours to cover 3-5 days off... but I might. I didn't check. Because I wanted to be home alone. And now I am.

 

And it's bliss.

 

I feel like a bad person. I don't even want to be with the people I love and who I know love me unconditionally (they're proven it). I want them to continue to love me, and I don't want to hurt them, so I squelch my desire to be a hermit in the woods.

 

I feel like a bad person for having these feelings, although I've had them most of my life. In fact, when I was a kid, one of my friends asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Even then, I wanted to be a hermit.

 

Ok - wow. This blog has gone in directions I didn't anticipate. But that's the story of my life. If you would have told me 5 years ago I'd be an uniformed park ranger now and speaking in front of groups about woodpecker and butterflies, I would have thought you were crazy. But here I am.

 

And there you are.

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