So, I was going through a bunch of writings from my high school newspaper days, and came across some of my journaling attempts from just a couple years ago. It's a fun way to reflect on life and where you were at in your state of being at the time. The backdrop for this particular entry I am sharing would be my having once again, for the gazillionth time, left my current special someone. At this point, I had entered into a new relationship where I actually managed to fall in love and move past my times of emotiona turmoil, only to find out I was in even more turmoil with my new self.... Hmmnnn...so here goes:
I've been feeling alone even with company close at hand. Maybe this is because over the past few months I have had short term purposes, and when around my children and family, and friends, I focus on their purposes instead? Purposely avoiding my own it would seem. But as I lay to sleep at night, or drive to work with the cloudy display of incoming storm fronts meeting my soaked thoughts, I have time to clear my cluttered mind and consider my own life, my own desires, my own ultimate purpose.... I am hit with this overwhelming presence of the world, and I have no idea where my little thumbtack on the map will manage to land, let alone be seen.
I am lonely in such thoughts.
When there are not any blaring detours of other's lives overlapping in to my very own.
I think I have reached a point of happening. I can go for these long term agendas with an avarice I only daydreamed about. Yes, I can start my journalism now. Yes, I can pursue all my creative media hobbies unfettered for once. I can be me again and let myself be wholly involved in this map of destiny instead of happlessy running around with my compass locked away for emergency use only. I don't have to ration myself out anymore and I think this is where I feel the most alone. Like a child entering dance class for the first time, but a few minutes late so everyone that has already gotten with the program will see how awkwardly you stand out.
I've held back for so long! My cover comes easily now. My defensive trappings slip on so instinctually, I don't know how to change my designer's taste. I automatically grab the right hat to compliment the outfit without so much as a look in the mirror.
I am an old soul though. I don't think that attribute is a false one. It has been a blessing, and it is truly who I am, but that plays off the cuff with the subversive intent of seeking information to help keep me unattainable. Impregnable. Unrecognizeable.
It's like I am constantly on stage, waiting for my close up....