(This is the continuation of a series of journal entries written during my deconversion process.)

October 24, 2011

Over the past week and a half, I’ve just really allowed myself to deeply question my beliefs…even to the point of questioning the existence of God, the reality of the Kingdom, and the accuracy/validity of the Bible. I am beginning to wonder if much of what I have suffered has been the result of this belief system. I am having trouble reconciling the God I’ve been told about and the God of the Bible with my experience and the experience of those around me. This is not the result of bitterness or anger, it is simply the result of not being afraid to ask some tough questions.

I desperately WANT my faith to be true. But I don’t know if I can go through the spiritual, mental and emotional gymnastics I must perform to hold on to it. My first thought in response to that is, “but it isn’t about performance, He gives us faith as a gift, all we do is abide in Him…” Those answers just don’t do it for me anymore. How do I “abide” in something that seems to produce more turmoil inside me than anything else?

Maybe this is a phase and I will move past it. What I keep coming back to is that if God is real and is good and is “in love with me”, He will chase me…He will bring things to me to show me that He is indeed real and concerned and an active part of my life. The past 3 years have been filled with me going after these “experiences” and “encounters” with God. But when I look back over this time, I just see a desperate hurting girl who needs God to show her that He loves her. I see a girl who was hurt by her belief in God from an early age but who continued to love Him, to surrender to Him in spite of the lack of evidence of His intervention. I see a girl who learned that without God she was a mess – just a girl curled up in her bed crying and too depressed to be motivated to do the simplest of tasks. I see a girl with a “big destiny” if only she could “trust God to do it in her and through her”.

I’ve lived my entire adult life believing that without God I can’t function…and yet in 20 years I’ve never been able to attain the level of relationship with Him that has caused me to be fully functional. I’ve cried out, hungered after Him, worshipped when I was too sick to even stand with my eyes closed (and not b/c I had to but b/c I wanted to!), asked for more revelation, studied, gone to church, meetings, and conferences. I’ve prophesied and prayed for the sick, I’ve been prophesied to and prayed for. I’ve given up, surrendered, trusted Him and His finished work, and rested in Him. But no matter what, I kept coming back to the same place. Where is He? Where’s the evidence of Him in my life? If He doesn’t do miracles in my life then how is my life better than that of an unbeliever?

I can hear all the arguments and answers to my questions – the same ones I’ve raised when I’ve heard and read the questions of others over the years. “You just need to get a different perspective.” “The evidence of His love is everywhere!” “He intervenes all the time, you just might not know it!” “He does miracles all the time!”

Really? Is it? Does He?

This really isn’t about me being bitter or mad at God. I think for the first time in a very long time, I actually DON’T feel those emotions. In a strange way, the thought that my belief system has been wrong all my life is actually comforting. Why is that? If my belief in God has actually been great for me, caused me to grow and thrive and live a full life, then why in the world does the thought of letting it go give me a strange sense of peace? Does that mean that I am deceived?

Or am I on the verge of waking up?