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Slowly Coming Out Of My Shell


roadrunner

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I like many others have built up a foundation based on Christianity and now Im having to slowly disassemble it all alone (in solitude unknown to anyone other than to my wife who thinks I am just more vocal with emotion now and just shooting from the hip without thinking when i say genesis is not true).

 

I dropped a bomb on my wife a while back that put her in show. The story is on here somewhere. I think it was a punch in the face and now a stab in the heart. I say that becuase it seems that it is swept under the rug and hasnt come up since then. How can I expect my wife to belive me when I still go to church and pray and all.

 

So Im taking steps to gradually show her rather that blurt that "There is no god" when I just left church. Im doing things like....I dont read my bible just so my wife can ask why. I tuck the kiids in and kiss them goodnight and "now I lay me down to sleep...." is no longer a part of the routine when I'm tucking them in alone. I set the plate on the table and let the kids dig in without saying grace until my wife says "hey, did anyone say grace" and my kids chant that stupid song. Its embarassing when they do that in restaurants. I used to take pride in it. "Hey everybody look my kids can sing grace for their food!! We are good parents!!!" HOGWASH! The irony there is that its truly indoctrination. when my wife was teaching them the prayer she thought it was "BOW our heads, we are fed. Give us lord our daily bread. Amen". She went almost 30 years and never knew what she was saying!! Proof that it doesnt matter just ignorantly chanting some stupid words. LOL

 

I still pray with my wife even though she and I remember quite well the day not long ago that I told her that I doubt that anything is up there listening. I cant find they words in our prayers anymore. they are just mindless repetition of vague stuff. I used to think it was therapeutic because if it did ANYTHING it let each of us know what was important to the other. if we cared enough to tell god about it, then we may need to pay attention. eg. If my wife prays to lose weight but she never told me anything i better not caller her fat.

 

I have the kids dedicated to church I have not once told them god did anything or that there is even a god. I give them scientific answers to everything. The power goes out and come back on mom says "Thank you jesus". I say "Thank you Duke energy! You can pray all day but unless some one at duke pushed the button there arent any gonna be any lights". If nothing else from me they are learning how to be a down right hypocrite. I go to church without believing and I act like a christian but its because its the right thing to do not because I think god is watching (of course I dont mean going to church is right). My wish for my kids is for them to come to me at a young age and ask me if its all true or if it makes sense to me because it doesn't to them. I want them to ask me hard questions becuase they see its a load of crap. if they do that, 80% of my lifes mission would be complete to have raised 2 kids that can logically make sense of the world around them. I know they'll be OK. BTW somewhere in that other 20% is playing a round at Augusta National.

 

I listen to shows where people came out at a young ago to their parents or and I think to myself "you lucky SOB, good for you". I'm too deep into this to get out without it being an atomic bomb. The earlier to better. What do I say to my grandparents and to my in-laws.

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I see an awful lot of myself in this post.

 

I do the same as you with the kids and praying over meals. I'm never the one who says, "Did you pray over the food?" I just let them start eating as soon as the food is on the table.

 

I wonder if my wife noticed when we were talking about something last week, and my answer to one of her questions was, "Because there is no justice in the world." She never asked what I meant by that. I don't know if she understands all of the implications behind that single sentence.

 

I also wonder if she notices how critical I am of people at our church that think they're Biblical scholars or have received any specials words from God.

 

I don't plan on ever telling my in-laws, unless they ask me or my wife directly. And they are certain to not like the answer when, after being asked, I tell them what I actually think.

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