Its kinda backwards but mu coming out brought up a lot of questions for her. Some of which would have been answered had I done this sooner. I threw this together and its what I gave her.

 

I am not a writer, I have always been more a speaker so I am sure I

will struggle through this letter.

Though I am not quite sure of the date (we'll say 2009 just to throw

something out there) I started watching a lot of online learning

videos during my downtime at work. These videos I found fun and

educational. As the online video server began to recommend videos

based off of what videos I seemed to like (philosophy and science)

more and more was the system recommending religious material. I did

not watch these videos because I was happily in my christian bubble

and didn't want to move. However, I was intrigued by one of the videos

that was a debate over whether or not god exists. I didn't watch

because I assumed that this was just innate, Everybody believes in God

only the close-minded fools who openly reject are the ones missing out

on God's goodness. But out of curiosity, I watched the video. I was

floored. It was the first time I ever heard an argument against my

belief system. As a christian I was taught to put myself in a bubble

and block out the world and its sinful view of reality.

 

After watching the video, I realized that had I been on that stage I

would have been torn to bits as a christian. I was not at all strong

enough in my faith to weather that storm. Sure I could have great

biblical answers to things and could point to bible verses for certain

references. but this was the first time I ever heard anyone remotely

imply that the bible MIGHT not be true. So as a good student of God, I

dug into the material into the tough questions that I knew any skeptic

would ask so I could win them over to Christ. I started with the

questions that I had even as a christian. The ones that always rubbed

me the wrong way that I swept under the rug. Surely if I could solve

this puzzle in my own mind it would make for a much stronger arguing

point. Why do dinosaur fossils appear so old and the earth is 6000

years old? There was a host of tough questions that I had. But they

were not the kind that I was used to dealing with as a christian. If a

friend was hurting I knew exactly where to point them in the bible and

what to say. I never knew of what verse to point to to increase faith

in the face of doubt. What do you do when the world around you is

pointing to one thing and your faith tells you another?

 

I dug into these questions using online literature and documentaries.

I even emailed and got a response from the man I watched representing

Christ in the debate. I realized that I dint have a problem with the

christian perception of right, wrong, salvation, etc,. I had a

problem with the "rational" side of it. Like little details that were

overshadowed by the broader picture of the story.

 

Example. Noah and the flood.

Sinful world is cleaned but Noah, his family, and one of every kind of

animal are spared. I was taking from that story.."a sinful world gets

what it deserves for disobeying God". It wasn't until now I thought

about "how did a ancient boat with one of every kind of animal on

the planet weather a flood large enough to wipe out earth.

Furthermore, if 40 days of rain covers the tallest mountain it would

rain 10 feet per hour and where did all of this water go because water

displacement says that even frozen water and liquid water take up the

same volume. also, where did the dinosaurs on the boat go and how was

this all just 6000 yrs ago. Then I realized I never saw any prayer

answered and everything that I attributed to god had a perfectly fine

explanation that didn't involve god. I saw the universe and the ways

that we are sitting ducks to be killed by asteroids. Not just that,

but here on earth we are land mammals so we cant live on 75% of the

planet that was created "for us". To scrutinize the 25% that we can

walk on, some is either too hot, too cold, plagued by volcanoes,

earthquakes, and other natural disasters. I found it very hard to

reconcile that all this was made "for us". If god would have made the

world for mankind we wouldn't be bound to such small quarters of the

planet. Then I looked at the solar system and the vastness of the

cosmos and cant help but think that is overkill if all you want is for

people to worship you. Why not put people everywhere on every planet

and capitalize on all that "Unused space" in the cosmos. Questions and

thoughts like that filled my mind.

 

Within a week I had WAY more rational based questions then I had

answers. I read material on the topic and the result was ALWAYS one of

2 things. 1. Just have faith don't sweat the details 2. something

incredibly implausible that I wouldn't have even believed BEFORE I

started questioning things. I swept all these under the rug but slowly

they began to pile up and make a bulge. I prayed for faith but reason

was so much more fulfilling I even began to think "all those old

testament stories are bologna, but I'll ask Jesus the specifics of it

all in heaven.I continued to learn and grow as a christian but my

doubts were growing along with me. I saw that the world around me made

sense with a secular view and sounded absurd with a christian world

view. Eventually, I put myself in denial because Jesus was real. I

felt him in my heart. I was saved. I got emotional in songs and felt

convicted. Over time I realized that I even get teary eyed during the

star spangled banner thinking about how people gave their lives for my

freedom. irony there huh?.

 

At this point several months have passed and I am thinking what if I

take my Christian glasses off for just a day. So I did, I was

amazed!!!! I saw the world from a completely different perspective.

Things made sense. The more I learned the better and better it got. It

was so interesting. I learned about the bible, Jesus, the universe.

everything I shut the door to I opened the door to and let it ring in

my head. Of course not until I scrutinized it to determine if it made

sense. I was happy and comfortable. So I put my glasses back on still

experiencing a slight euphoria from the previous day. and things

didn't even look the same. What was once this beautiful world that I

saw and was so amazed at had the life sucked out of it. It was a rigid

place that already had a purpose. Even I had a purpose and it was not

my own. I never looked at Christianity the same way. I secretly fell

out of love with god and cursed him for not being there but it felt

stupid like I was talking to myself and I knew it. I needed to know

what I was. I didn't know who I was. I did know that I was not the

same person I was years earlier.

 

In a quest to find answers I hunted and hunted. I learned more about

the bible in these 2 years that I probably ever had in my life. Since

I no longer believed that god was pulling strings I could look at

other religious beliefs. By this time, all religious beliefs look

silly to me. It was simply people trying to find explanations for what

they didn't know and understand. And these people were DEATHLY afraid

of hell. I knew that most people if they were like me , in their

heart, they feared hell more than they loved god. They didnt care

about the specifics they just focused on what they were told the big

picture is. I just so happened to be born in America, where we are

predominantly christian. in Pakistan they are Muslim in china they are

Buddhist and in India they are Hindu. We all have their own

explanation for why we are here that was imposed on them from birth by

their parent and other believers. I see things from a different

perspective and I was comfortable an atheist in my own little bubble.

I remember the shock of thinking "ATHEIST" even Muslims still had some

sort of hope at least they cling to SOMETHING. Not nothing.

 

So after 2 or 3 years there I was alone afraid. I was at the end of my

spiritual journey and didn't know who I was. I frantically start doing

things like eating better getting in shape, being a better husband,

spending more time with the kids (according to my wife more time one

the computer, lol) I was now to a point that I believe that this one

life is ALL i have and I have to make the most of it. Heck, that

evidence is here, in front of me everyday, I can promise that. No

longer would I put something I couldn't see in front of my family.

but I wasnot at the end of my quest for understanding. that was just

waiting on the next discovery the next article I read. I can use my

own internal filter now not the bible. I was HAPPY. My problem? I

went on this journey alone, I never intended to go on a journey but I

left my wife and kids and family and friends back at the starting

block while I wandered off the track.

 

Afraid, I turned to the web where I found a comfy little website for

people who were leaving Christianity where I found several guys just

like me.

1. They were married some with kids

2. they all went to church and were active members

3. and in a quest for answers they were turned away from Christianity

and their spouses and families didn't know it.

 

Though we don't know each other or know each others names we all once

loved Christ and knew that our marriages and family were the most

important thing in the world to us. We encouraged each other to mosey

up the strength and tell our wives rather than live in seclusion like

this. I hated having to rely on support from people I didn't know but

it was SO GOOD to see people in my shoes. They understood....Then my

eyes were open to a new truth. I realized that ATHEISTS, who I thought

were mean immoral close minded people, were not that. MOST of them

were just like me. they were Christians, who looked for answers and

didn't find them and they could no longer believe that god was real.

but by then they had huge stakes in the game and a lot to lose. Family

who wont talk to them anymore being banned from family functions,

being discriminated against.

 

My thoughts now....I think that everyone who looks deeply for answers

without any bias ahead of time will in no way come out of this thing a

believer. I wouldn't dare to impose my belief on any one but I would

encourage them to look deeply for answers to all the questions you

have don't roll over and accept anything. My fear.....My wife is very

rigid in her belief and I don't see her ever turning from the faith.

Though it would be easier if we both had the same mindset, I have

never seen her change her mind about ANYTHING since I've known her. so

I don't see her ending up like me anytime soon. I'm an information NUT

and it took me years to get to where I am. at this point I'm just

mapping how best to move forward. My wife's perception of me has

changed now. This is scary and what I feared most....my wife to change

her opinion of me at a point when I'm so happy and comfortable. I can

only imagine how I would feel if the situation was flipped. Time and

knowledge is the only thing that can heal this.